罢了也好

世上万般,好便是了,了便是好。 若不了,便不好,若要好,须是了。所以,“罢了也好”。
正文

女儿的小小说《Songs we hum》

(2010-03-23 10:46:36) 下一个
once, in first or second grade, i spoke to emily. it must not have been a very deep conversation--how deep can seven-year olds get?--because i don't really remember what each of us said. i just remember emily's wild blonde hair and long eyelashes; the explosion of freckles across her face. emily lived down the street, but she lived far away enough to be on the stop before mine, so we never had a chance to speak. or maybe i just didn't want to talk to her. i don't know.

now, here's the thing. emily, you still live down the street from me. you have a daughter--angela, i think--and i have my beautiful melissa. melissa's first day of school, i walked her the extra few blocks to get to angela's bus stop. while melissa counted cars and found animals in the sky, i had eyes only for the fair-haired, blue-eyed girl that stood to my left; the stars scattered upon her cheeks. maybe if i'd been looking at you, emily, instead of your ghost, i would've known. known better.

there was my chance, and i didn't take it. for the same reason i didn't take it on the bus, twenty years ago. the same, stupid, juvenile reason. why speak to her now? you still have nothing in common with her. that part of me should've grown up long ago, but it didn't. if it had, then maybe things wouldn't have happened the way they did. maybe melissa and angela could've been friends. best friends.

anyways, i'm rambling. i used to believe that words had the power to fix things--to heal things. maybe they do, but i didn't use mine. i didn't think i needed to, because i never looked at your face that day, emily. and now, when i dream, all i can see is your face. beaten and aged. stormy-eyed.

i should've known better. i really should've. i should've talked to you that first day on route 9; i should've been there to tell you not to marry your husband, whose name i don't even know, in spite of it being all over the newspapers. i should've been there to introduce melissa to angela; to introduce my life to yours. i should have known better than to believe you died in your sleep--from a stroke, that bastard said.

and i talked to him, you know. your husband and i, we stood by the stop sign on 16th street and talked about your blue eyes and your long eyelashes. or maybe i just talked and he just let me speak. if i would've known, emily. if. i wake up and that's all i can think about. if.

but, every story has a hero. and in this story, it's my daughter, melissa. she saw your beaten eyes; the blood in angela's hair. she took the chance i left behind; she saved angela. and you know what? that brave girl stood there when they took your husband away. that beautiful girl held your daughter's hand and counted cars with her as her father was being shoved into a police car. melissa mended angela's bruises, with no words. something i'll never be able to do.

on friday, melissa was silent. "angela's gone." i was in the middle of my "grieving for the lost" speech when melissa interrupted me and said, "i'm not sad. i did what i was supposed to do. she'll come back one day."

will you, emily?

no."but i do miss her."

"i miss her too, milly."

i held it together until the late show came on, and then i locked myself in the bathroom and cried. cried my heart out for you, emily. and no words were involved in making me feel this way about you.

that was yesterday. today's saturday. no, nothing significant happened between you and i--melissa and angela--on a saturday. but today, i remembered something about you that makes it so that you're suddenly alive again. i can't explain it.

today, i remembered the sound of your laughter.



Author's Comments:
it's amazing the things we learn before we learn to complicate things.
feeling inspired lately.






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罢了 回复 悄悄话 知我者流沙小弟也!能分享儿女的故事绝对是做老爸的一大的快乐!谢谢小弟万忙之中拨冗来我后院串门。
罢了 回复 悄悄话 很赞同石库门说得,生命创造生命真的很奇妙。记得大仲马曾说过,他这一生最杰出的作品就是小仲马。如今我多少也有一点这样的感觉了。
流沙随风 回复 悄悄话 女儿和老爸分享着故事,或者准确地说老爸分享着女儿的故事,是何等的快乐之事,嘎嘎
石库门 回复 悄悄话 看着孩子一天天长大,除了喜悦,还有就是感恩:有个年轻人,流着你的血,延续你的生命。

现在的孩子比当年的我们成熟多了。
青青小河 回复 悄悄话 回复罢了的评论:

"常会想起自己像她们那个年龄的时候;有时候喜悦,有时候担心,有时候会心一笑"
就是这种感觉! 喜欢这样的感觉!
罢了 回复 悄悄话 谢谢小河的鼓励。看着两个女儿一天天长大,常会想起自己像她们那个年龄的时候;有时候喜悦,有时候担心,有时候会心一笑。。。再过两年,老大就要上大学了,我这个做老爸的一定会非常miss她。
青青小河 回复 悄悄话 “that beautiful girl held your daughter's hand and counted cars with her as her father was being shoved into a police car. melissa mended angela's bruises, with no words. something i'll never be able to do.”

真是一个坚强、有爱心的好孩子!!!

的确, 有些人、有些事会给小小的孩子留下很长、很深的印象。 在我儿时的记忆中也曾有过一些人、一些事, 多多少少影响了我的人生观。
罢了 回复 悄悄话 这是一个半真实的故事。在我女儿读小学的时候,一个邻居家的男人把他太太给杀了,留下一个读小学的女儿。看来这件事情在我女儿心里留下很深刻的印象,以至过了许多年后的今天,她写了这么一篇小小说来叙述自己的心情。
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