1 你现在能听到我吗?/Can you hear me now?
(This one is provided by womaninhome. Thanks womaninhome！)
An old lady had a hearing-aid fitted, hidden underneath her hair. A week later she returned to the doctor for her check-up.
"It's wonderful，I can hear everything now." She reported very happily to the doctor.
"And is your family pleased, too?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, I have not told them yet," said the old lady, "And I have changed my will twice already."
2 三声口哨/Three Whistles
I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle.
"And how much are they then? "I asked, pointing to another tray.
"You, sir, "replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."
3 早报/Morning Paper
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night, she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Deadpanned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
A man is driving home, when he is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys’ car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
“Sir,” the cop says. “Why do you have all those knives?”
“They’re for my juggling act,” the man says.
“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.
“Man,” says the first guy. “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.”
5 婚姻咨询/Marital counseling
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
6 老年失忆症/ Senior Moment
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--and it's fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
没有人相信老年人。 。 。每个人都认为他们是老糊涂。
在回家的路上，一袋钱从一辆装甲车上掉下来，几乎落到了他们的脚下。莎莉很快捡起来，但不知道该怎么办，他们把它带回家。在那里，她数了钱 – 那是五万美元。