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1 那鸡美味啊/That chicken was delicious
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.
Son 1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.
Son 2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.
Son 3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."
Next, she went to Son 3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."
有一个近乎失明的小老太，她有三个儿子，每一个都想向母亲证明自己对她最好。
第一个儿子为她买下一栋有15个房间的豪宅，他觉得这肯定是给母亲的礼物中的最好的。
二儿子为她买了一辆漂亮的奔驰，还配了个司机。他也觉得他一定会赢了。
老三为母亲买了一只鹦鹉。这只鹦鹉接受了15年的训练，能一字不落地背诵整部圣经，并且不论你问他圣经中的哪一节，他都能从圣经里原句引出。这是多么好的礼物啊。
这位老太太走到他的第一个儿子那儿说：“孩子，你买的房子很豪华。但是它太大了，我只能睡一间房，而维护和清洁的工作太多了，我实在不需要它，但还是要谢谢你。”接着她面对二儿子说：“你的车真漂亮，它有你可能想要的一切，但我不会开车，也真的不喜欢那个司机，所以你把它退了吧！”
然后，她走向她的小儿子说：“孩子，我要感谢你最体贴的礼物！那只鸡实在是美味啊！”
2 招揽生意/To Drum Up Business
A man accidentally slipped on a banana peel and performed a very funny fall. He was not hurt, but had his dignity somewhat ruffled.
When he got better a moment later, he found several people standing around in a circle. He said angrily, "What are these idlers doing here?"
"They are not idlers," explained his friend. "This man is a doctor. He wants to look you over." That man is a lawyer. He is ready to file a suit for you. And a producer of comic films is waiting for you to sign a contract agreeing to work for him."
有个人偶然踩到一块香蕉皮上，滑到的样子非常滑稽，引人发笑。他没有受伤，只是有点难为情。
过了一会儿他感觉好些了的时候，发觉有好几个人围着他站成一圈。他很不高兴地说：“这些闲人在这里干什么呢？”
他的朋友解释说：“他们不是闲人。这个人是医生，他想给你检查一下。那个人是律师，他准备为你起诉。另一个人是喜剧电影的制片人，他在等你签署一份同意为他工作的合同。”
3 一个计策/A Contrivance
An old man visited a doctor to consult as to what he should do. The doctor gave him some instructions.
The old man shook his head and started to leave the office. The doctor said: "Sir, you forget to pay me." "Pay you for what?" said the old man. The doctor replied: "For my advice."
"No, sir, no, sir," the old man replied, "I am not going to take it."
有个老头去找医生咨询，问他该怎么做，医生给他提了一些建议。
老头摇摇头就要离开诊室。医生说：“先生，你忘记了付费了。”“付什么费呀？”老头说。医生回答说：“付咨询费给我呀。”
老头说：“不啦，先生，我不接受你的意见。”
4 受不了了/Unbearable
A traveler came to a small Middle Western town. He decided to stay for a few days.
When he was about to write his name on the hotel register, he saw a bedbug crawling across the page.
"It is really unbearable," he said, flinging down the pen. "I've been bitten by fleas in Missouri, mosquitos in New Jersey, horse flies in Kansas-but this is the first place I was ever in where a bug looked over the hotel register to find out the number of my room. Why, where on earth I should go!"
有个旅行家来到中西部的一个小市镇。他决定留下待几天。
当他正要在旅店的登记薄上签名时，看到有个臭虫从单子上爬过去。
“真受不了了，”他扔下手中的笔说：“我在密苏里被跳蚤咬过，在新泽西被蚊子叮过，在堪萨斯被马蝇啃过—而在这里会有一个臭虫到登记台来找我的房间号码，我还是第一次遇到呢。呵唷，我究竟该去哪儿啊!”
5 白她一眼/Roll Your Eyes Back to Her
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, " A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I Do?"
"Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."
两个怪物去了一个万圣节派对。 突然一个人对另一个说：“一个女士白了我一眼，我该怎么办？”
“做个绅士，回白她一眼。”
6 墓地音乐/The Cemetery Music(谢谢womaninhome提供)
A music scholar was touring through a graveyard in Vienna when he heard music coming out of a grave. On inspection, he found the headstone as Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The music was the Ninth Symphony being played backwards.
He soon rang up a friend who came in time to hear the Seventh Symphony being played backwards. They hurried to call an expert who hurried to them to hear the Fifth Symphony playing backwards. The weird thing was the fact that symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. When the caretaker of the graveyard heard this, the only comment he made was, "What's the wonder! He's just decomposing!"
一个音乐学者正在穿过维也纳的一个墓地，听到音乐从一个坟墓中发出来。检查时，他发现墓碑为路德维希·范·贝多芬，1770-1827。音乐是第九交响曲反向播放。
他很快就给一个朋友打了电话，他及时赶到听到第七交响曲正在反向播放。他们急忙给一个专家打电话，专家急忙赶到听到第五交响曲反向演奏。奇怪的事情是，交响乐是按照他们创作的相反的顺序演奏的。当墓园的看守听到这个，他唯一的评论是，“什么奇迹，他只是在分解！”
祝大家万圣节快乐!
笑薇好! 墓地音乐的确不好翻译,两个关键的词composed 和decomposing在文中成对出现, decompose 有分解和腐烂双重意思,但中文没有对应成对的词和带有双关语的词.觉得有些带双关意思的词和涉及发音的词的笑话,只能在原语言环境内发挥作用.
老太太误杀鹦鹉,的确让人惋惜啊.
欢迎笑薇讨论,周中快乐!
谢谢健康喜欢,问好!
嗯,第二个太有喜感了:)
问好疏影笑寒,新周快乐!
谢谢松松的分享！
盒子好, 新周快乐!
哈哈,小小月好! 喜欢你的题词:)
小小月, 新周快乐!
cxyz好! 是啊,谁想到是这样的结果:)
cxyz,周日快乐!
-- 这个弯儿转的， 让人的小心脏受不了
默默好! 可不是嘛:)
默默, 新周快乐!
问好花甲老翁,新周快乐!
问好晓青,周末快乐！
菲儿好, 那只鹦鹉真是可惜哈.
菲儿,周末快乐!
哈哈,尼斯好! 你是喝了酒之后到这儿来的吗? 怎么听着像醉话一般~
尼斯, 周末快乐!
问好阳光, 周末快乐!
小小好! 可不是吗, 老人的需要真是不多, 他们不需要豪宅华车的:)
小小, 周末快乐!
谢谢松松分享，周末快乐！
水沫好! 你说的有道理,最小的孩子最让人爱哈:)
是的,#2 有个Typo,我赶快改了去.
前面四个是用的别人的翻译,我稍微有改动.最后两个才是我翻的.
谢谢水沫鼓励,周末快乐!
家MM好! 谢谢你提供的笑话.鹦鹉真是可惜.
谢谢家MM鼓励,周末快乐!
给沙发上的点点上茶:)
嗯,那只鹦鹉真是可惜.哈哈,估计大夫不干~想摔跤也不容易哈~~~
点点,周末快乐!
松松翻译得真棒。第二个，"只是有点难情"，是不是TYPO，"只是有点难为情"?
到底是才女!
喜欢那可怜的缨鹉，学了十五年的圣经，却被老太太给吃了，好可笑啊。