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周末一笑: 盖住鸟(转载)

(2016-03-18 16:23:22) 下一个

1 盖住鸟/Covering the Bird

We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.

Our daughter turned to my wife and said, “Mom, you always did it that way.” “Yes,” my wife replied, “but you don’t have a cat!”

我们去看了我们刚结婚的女儿，她正准备她的第一个感恩节晚餐。我注意到火鸡放在厨房的水槽中解冻而一个盘碟晾干架倒扣在鸟身上。我问为什么用排水架盖住火鸡。

我们的女儿转身对着我的妻子说：“妈妈，你总是那样做。”“是的，”我的妻子答道，“但你家没有一只猫！”

2 濒危物种/Endangered Species

Lost in the woods, a hiker spends two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle, hits the bird with a big rock and eats it. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the man for killing an endangered species. In court, the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?”

“Well, Your Honor,” the hiker replies, “it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

一个徒步旅行者在树林里迷路，两天没有食物吃四处流浪。最后，他发现一个秃头鹰，他用一块大石头打死了鸟并吃了它。一个巡山员偶尔见到现场并以杀害濒危物种逮捕了男子。在法庭上，徒步旅行者解释说，他是在饥饿的边缘，别无选择。

“考虑到这种情况下，我发现你无罪，”法官说。 “但我要问，老鹰的味道怎么样？”

“好，尊敬的法官，” 徒步旅行者回答说，“它的味道像是美洲鹤和斑点猫头鹰之间的杂交。”

3 鱼的紧急事件/Fish Emergency

My friend’s husband, Ray, is a state trooper and enjoys sharing the excuses people use when stopped for speeding. One day, however, the tables were turned. Ray maintains an aquarium of exotic fish, and a prized specimen had threatened to turn belly up. The off-duty officer called a pet store, and they advised him to immediately purchase a special additive that would correct the water’s PH.

Ray and his wife jumped into the car and rushed to the store. A state trooper signaled them to pull over. “Go ahead,” Ray’s wife said. “Tell him you’ve got a sick fish!”

我朋友的丈夫雷是州警，他享受分享他截住的超速的人们用的借口。然而有一天，情况变了。雷维护外来鱼类的鱼缸, 一条珍贵的品种吓人地翻起了肚皮。这个下岗的警员给一家宠物店打电话，他们叫他立即买一个特殊的添加剂来纠正水的PH值。

雷和他的妻子跳上车急忙去商店。一个州警示意他们靠边停车。 “去吧，”雷的妻子说。 “告诉他你有一条生病的鱼！”

4 食品呼叫器/Food Caller

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work.” I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

一天我在一个庭院旧货出售摊上看到一个箱子上写有“电子猫狗呼叫器--保证工作。”我看了看里面，愉快地看到一个电动开罐器。

5 在逃的仓鼠/Hamster on the Run

My niece bought her five-year-old daughter, Kayleigh, a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he escaped from his cage again. My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room.

When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother’s lap. “We’ve got a serious problem,” she announced. “Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took the cage.”

我侄女给她5岁的女儿凯丽买了一只仓鼠。有一天，仓鼠从笼子里逃走。一家人把房子翻了个遍终于找到了他。几个星期后，当凯丽在学校时，仓鼠又从笼子里逃走。我侄女疯狂地搜索，但没找到小动物。希望能让凯丽减少痛苦，我的侄女把笼子拿出她的房间。

那天下午凯丽放学回家，她爬进她的母亲的怀里。“我们有一个严重的问题，”她宣布。“不仅我的仓鼠又逃走了，这次他把笼子也带走了。”

6 如何获得关注/How to get Attention

One of the highlights of the freshman biology class at New Mexico Highlands University was the monthly feeding of a caged rattlesnake kept in the laboratory. One time, the entire class gathered around the cage and, in complete silence, watched as the feeding took place.

"I’m jealous of the snake," the instructor said. "I never get the class’s undivided attention like this."

A student answered matter-of-factly, "You would if you could swallow a mouse."

一个在新墨西哥高地大学新生生物课的亮点之一，是每月关在实验室里一笼响尾蛇的喂养。一时间整个班级聚集在笼子边，寂静无声地看着喂养发生。

“我嫉妒蛇，” 讲师说。 “我从来没有得到过全班像这样的一心一意的关注。”

一个学生就事论事，实事求是地说，“你可以得到如果你能吞下一只老鼠。”

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