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周末一笑: 岛上的创新(转载)

(2016-01-08 17:21:09) 下一个

1 岛上的创新/ISLAND INNOVATION

A hurricane capsizes a cruise ship in the Caribbean. A stock broker washes ashore on a remote island. Outside of the beautiful scenery, a fresh water pool and bananas, there is little else.

One day, after several months have passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appears.

"Wow! I can't believe I found another person!" she exclaims. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answers. "Where did you get that rowboat?"

"Oh," she says, "I found it washed up on the beach. Where is your shelter?"

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the sand," he says.

She invites him to her side of the island. Once she's rowed them to her side, she ties up the boat with hand-woven rope. "It took forever to find enough washed up strands to braid that length of rope," she tells him.

She leads him to a cozy bungalow painted blue and green. "I scouted for felled trees and then stained the salvaged wood with these really juicy berries I found in the jungle," she tells him.

Once inside, she excuses herself to slip into something more comfortable. She returns wearing revealing silk lingerie, smiling provocatively.

"I found some washed up suitcases from the cruise ship a few weeks ago," she tells him. "But now that I've found you, I finally have a reason to wear something sexy again. Tell me, haven't you been lonely? Isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something you've been longing for, too?"

"Oh wow!" exclaims the man. "You mean you've found the Internet, too?!"

飓风倾覆了在加勒比地区的一艘游轮。股票经纪被冲上了一个偏远的岛屿。除了美丽的风景，一个淡水池塘和一些香蕉外，就很少有别的东西了。

数个月过去了，有一天，一个美丽的女人在一个小划艇上出现了。

“哇！我真不敢相信我发现了另外一个人！”她感叹地说。 “你也是在游轮上吗？”

“是的，我是，”他回答。 “你从哪里得到的划艇？”

“哦，”她说，“我发现它被冲上了沙滩上。哪里是你的居所？”

“说实话，我一直睡在沙滩上，”他说。

她邀请他到小岛上她在的那一边。一划到她的地方，她用手工编织的绳子系了船。 “我用了无尽的时间才找到冲上岸的足够的东西来编织这么长的绳子，”她告诉他。

她领他到了一个涂成蓝色和绿色的舒适的平房。 “我寻找倒下的树，然后用在丛林里发现的浆果汁给这些回收的木材涂上颜色。”她告诉他。

一进到屋里，她就借口要让自己更舒服些。出来时她穿着暴露的丝绸内衣，面带挑衅的微笑。

“几个星期前我发现了一些游轮上的行李箱冲了上来，”她告诉他。 “现在，我找到了你，我终于有了一个理由穿性感的衣服了。告诉我，你是不是感到孤独？是不是有什么东西让你非常想念？有些事情也让你一直渴望？”

“哦,哇！” 男人感叹到。“你是说你已经找到了网络？！”

2 恐惧电脑/COMPUTER FEAR

I'm afraid of my computer. I know when I turn it off, it's learning new things without me.

我害怕我的电脑。我知道，当我把它关掉，它在我不在的时候学习新的东西。

3 爱情数学/THE MATHEMATICS OF LOVE

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

聪明男人 + 聪明女人 = 浪漫

聪明男人 + 愚蠢女人 = 婚外情

愚蠢男人 + 聪明女人 = 结婚

愚蠢男人 + 愚蠢女人 = 怀孕

4 朋友家的遥控器/REMOTE CONTROLS AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE

You ever go to your friend's house and try to turn on the TV? It's impossible. They have, like, 45 remote controls, right? Have you ever had your friend tell you to turn on the TV and then he leaves. And you're just like, 'Oh, my God' -- just pick up a remote, push a button, and their blender starts running; push another button, and their dog dies. You're like, 'You have a button for that? You have a dog death button? That's so awkward.'

你有没有去你朋友家，并尝试打开电视？那是不可能的。他们有大约45个遥控器，对不对？你的朋友告诉你打开电视，然后他离开。而你只是，“噢，我的上帝” - 只要拿起遥控，按下按钮，他们的搅拌机开始运行;按下另一个按钮，而他们的狗死了。你就像，“你有一个这样的按钮？你有一个让狗死的键？这也太不对劲了吧。”

5 耶稣与撒旦的交谈/JESUS AND SATAN ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

耶稣和撒旦正在进行的一场争论是有关谁用的计算机更好。争论已经持续了好几天，上帝听腻了所有的争吵。

最后上帝说：“冷静一点，我要做个测试，将运行两个小时，我会判断谁做的更好。”

因此，撒旦和耶稣坐到键盘旁开始输入了。他们移动鼠标。他们做电子表格。他们写报告。他们发传真。他们发电子邮件。他们发带有附件的电子邮件。他们下载。他们做了一些系统学报告。他们制作了许多卡片。他们做了所有已知的工作。但他们的时间就要到了的十分钟前，突然闪电划过天空，雷声大作，大雨倾盆，结果，停电了。

撒旦盯着他的黑屏尖叫出知道的地狱中每个骂人的词。耶稣只是叹了口气。电力终于摇曳着回来了，他们每个人重新启动他们的计算机。

撒旦开始疯狂地寻找，尖叫着“它不见了！这一切都没有了！停电的时候我丢失了一切！”

同时，耶稣悄然打印出过去两个小时中所有他的文件。撒旦观察到这一点很愤怒。

“等等！他作弊了，他是怎么做到的？”

神耸耸肩说，“耶稣拯救(耶稣保存)”。

6 邪恶/E-VIL

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.

She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."

She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:

"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.

Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your password and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.

Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."

There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.

A new page appears.

It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

一个女人到达了天国之门，发现圣彼得不在，但一台电脑终端坐在拱门的旁边。

她走了过去并看到，“欢迎来到www.天堂.com。请输入您的用户名和密码才能继续。”

她两个都没有，但该输入处的下面是一行小字：

“忘记了用户名或密码? 请点击这里。”于是她点了一下。

一个屏幕弹了出来，上面写着“请输入至少两个下面的内容，你的密码和用户名将通过电子邮件发送给您。”需要输入的包括“姓名”，“出生日期”，“死亡日期”和“最喜欢的食物。”

女人输入了她的名字和出生日期，并点击了“提交”按钮。

另一个屏幕弹了出来，上面写着“很抱歉，在我们的数据库中我们没有找到相应的信息。你想注册吗？”于是女人点击了标记着“是的”的按钮。