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周末一笑: 死亡讣告(转载)

(2015-10-30 17:29:57) 下一个

1 死亡讣告

The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper. "How much does it cost to have an obituary printed?” Asked the woman.

"It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely. "Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?" "Yes ma'am." "Got some paper?" "Yes ma'am."

"Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'." "That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly. "That's it." "I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum."

"Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. Now let me think a minute... okay, got a pencil?" "Yes ma'am." "Got some paper?" "Yes, ma'am." "Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale.'"

地方报社负责刊登死亡讣告的部门电话响了。“登一篇讣告多少钱？”一位女士问。

“五美元一个字，太太。”书记员礼貌地回答。“好的，”女士沉默了一小会儿，“拿着笔呢吗？”“是的，夫人。”“纸呢？”“是的，夫人。”

“好的，这样写：‘科恩去世了’”“就这些了？”书记员疑惑地问道。“对，就这些。”“很抱歉，夫人，我刚才没有告诉您，在我们这登讣告最少也得五个字。”

“没错，你就应该告诉我，”女士有点生气了，“现在我得考虑一下，嗯…拿着笔呢吗？”“是的，夫人。”“纸呢？”“是的，夫人。”“好的，这样写：‘科恩去世了，出售一辆卡迪拉克轿车。’”

2 每一次都付了！

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.

“Have you ever paid for sex?” The woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, “Every time.”

一位朋友与她的丈夫在一辆献血车上参加献血活动，而作为预选过程的一部分，一位上了年纪的志愿者要问他们一些问题

“你有没有曾经为性生活付过钱？（言下之意：有没有在外沾花惹草的经历）”，那位女志愿者用甜美的声音问我朋友的丈夫。

朋友的丈夫疲倦地瞥了他妻子一眼，同时尽力地哄着刚出生不久的宝宝，眼睛还得盯着在妻子身边乱转的另外几个孩子，叹了口气，说道，“每一次都付了。”

3 爸爸会不高兴的

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, “Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile, "by the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

一个农家小孩好像意外打翻了一车玉米，住在附近的一个农夫听见了，

喊道：“威利斯，先放那吧。过来和我们呆会儿，一会儿我帮你扶起来。”

“太好了”，威利斯答道，“但是爸爸会不高兴的。”“哎呀，快来吧”，农夫仍然在坚持。“好吧”，小男孩终于点头答应了，“但是爸爸真的会不高兴。”

一顿丰盛的晚餐之后，威利斯向农夫表示感谢：“我觉得好多了，但是爸爸肯定很不高兴。”“别傻了”，农夫笑着说，“哦，对了，你爸爸在哪了？”“车底下。”

4 晨起反应

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

“What's wrong?” she asked. The friend told her that she had “morning sickness”.

Surprised the neighbor said, “I didn't even know you were pregnant.”

“I'm not.” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just sick of mornings.”

一个邻居顺道去拜访自己的一位朋友，发现她正呆坐在厨房的桌子旁，眼睛茫然地盯着已经喝了一半的咖啡，她的三个孩子正在隔壁的房间里大声地喧哗。

“怎么了？”她问。朋友告诉她自己不过是有点“晨起反应”。

邻居非常吃惊，说，“我甚至都不知道你又怀孕了！

“哦，我没有怀孕，”年轻的妇人苦恼地回答，“我只是腻烦透了早上而已！”

5 我还是喜欢传统的仪式

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

一对年轻的夫妇和牧师商定婚礼的日期。牧师问他们是喜欢当代仪式还是传统的，他们选择了当代的。婚礼那天，强烈的暴风雨迫使新郎走了另一条路去教堂。街上积水很深，为了避免弄湿裤子他卷起了裤腿。最后他终于来到了教堂，伴郎赶忙拥他进了大殿走上圣坛，典礼开始了。“把裤腿放下来。”牧师小声说。“嗯，牧师，我改变主意了，”新郎说，“我想我还是喜欢传统的仪式。”

6 维持婚姻的秘诀

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week:

a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

有人问Anthony拥有长久的婚姻的秘诀。

秘诀是：他们每周去两次餐厅：

听着轻柔的音乐吃一顿烛光晚餐，然后漫步回家。

不过Anthony太太是周二去，而Anthony是周五去。

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