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1 疯人院
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!”
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!”
一天深夜, 在疯人院里一个患者大喊: “我是拿破仑。”
另一个病人说: “你是怎么知道的?”
“是上帝告诉我的。”
这时隔壁的一个声音说: “我可没有告诉他!”
2 会说话的青蛙
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I’1l turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "1f you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'11 stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again, the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’1l stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I’m an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
一天, 一个男人走在路上。这时一只青蛙喊住他说:“如果你吻我, 那我就会变成一个漂亮的公主。”他蹲了下来, 捡起了青蛙并把他放到了口袋里。青蛙大声地说:“如果你吻我, 那我就会变成一个漂亮的公主。我会告诉每一个人, 你是多么的聪明, 多么得勇敢以及你是怎么成为我的英雄的。”男人把青蛙从口袋里掏了出来, 对它笑了笑, 又把它放了回去。
青蛙又大声地说:“如果你吻我, 那我就会变成一个漂亮的公主, 而且我会成为你最爱的同伴, 并陪你度过整个一周。”男人把青蛙从口袋里掏了出来, 对它笑了笑, 又把它放了回去。青蛙再次大声喊道:“如果你吻我, 那我就会变成一个漂亮的公主, 而且我会陪伴你一年, 做任何你希望的事情。”男人把青蛙从口袋里掏了出来, 对它笑了笑, 又把它放了回去。
最后, 青蛙问:“怎么了?我已经告诉你, 我是一个漂亮的公主, 并且我会陪伴你一年, 做任何你希望的事情, 你为什么不吻我呢?”男人说:“我是一个工程师, 我没有时间陪女朋友, 但是, 陪一只会说话的青蛙就太棒了。”
3 谁自私?
My husband and I were discussing the options available on the new car we planned to buy. The standard equipment included a driver's side air bag, but the passenger air bag was an optional purchase. I thought this was a bit odd and asked, “What would a wife say if her husband bought a car with only one air bag?"
"That's easy, "my husband responded. "She'd say, 'I'll drive.'"
我和我丈夫正在讨论我们计划要买的新车上应带有哪些设备。标准设备包括在车上配备给司机座位上的空气袋，但乘客席上的空气袋就可有可无了。对于这点，我觉得有点滑稽，于是就问丈夫:"如果丈夫只买了一个空气袋，他老婆会说什么呢?"
我丈夫回答说:“这很容易猜，她会说:‘我来开车吧!'."
4 预约
A man called his doctor's office for an appointment, “I am sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can't fit you in for at least two weeks. "
"But I could be dead by then!”
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment. "
一位男士给大夫的办公室打电话，他想预约看病的时间。接待员说:“对不起，至少在两周内，我们是无法把你安排进来的。”
“等轮到我的时候，我恐怕已经死了。”
“你就不用为这个担心了，如果你老婆通知我们一声，我们会取消这个预约的.”
5 称职
“What makes you think you're qualified to be a night watchman?” asked the personnel director.
"Well, for one thing,” replied the job applicant, "I'm a real light sleeper.”
一位人事经理问一位求职者:“你怎么就觉得你能胜任值夜班的工作呢?”
求职者说:“噢，有一点我敢肯定，我睡觉很径。”
6 金发美女和她的马
There once was a really dumb blonde who had two horses. Now this blonde couldn’t tell her two horses apart so she decided to ask her neighbor to help her out. She said to her neighbor, "I have two horses that I can't tell apart, can you help me?"
“Sure,” said her neighbor, "maybe you should nick one of their ears, then you could tell them apart.”
So, the blonde went home and did that. The next day the blonde went to check up on her horses but saw that she could not tell them apart for the other horse had nicked it’ s ear also. So, she went back over to her neighbor.
"My other horse has a nicked ear now too.” she said, “Do you have any other ideas how to tell them apart? They are both girls.”
"Hmmmm.” thought her neighbor, "Cut one's tail shorter than the other!”
So, the blonde went home and did that. The next day, though, both horses had the same length of tail! So, the blonde, tired of walking to her neighbor's house decided to call instead.
“I see,” said the neighbor after the blonde told her about how both of the tails were the same, "Try measuring them, maybe one is taller than the other.”
So the blonde did that, then rushed back into her house, phoned her neighbor and said to her" You were right!! The black horse is taller than the white one.”
从前有一个非常傻的金发美女，她有两匹马。但是她不能分辨她那两匹马，所以就去请她的邻居帮忙。她对邻居说:“我有两匹马，但是我总分不清，你能帮我吗?”
“当然可以，”她的邻居说，“你也许可以在一匹的耳朵上做个标记，那样你就能分清了。”
就这样，她回家照着邻居的话做了。第二天她检查她的马时，发现还是区别不了，因为另一匹马的耳朵上也有标记。所以，她又去找她的邻居。
“我的两匹马的耳朵上都有记号了，”她说，“你有什么其它的办法能把它们分开吗?它们都是母马。”
“嗯”，她的邻居想了想说，“把一匹马的尾巴剪短一些，”
那个金发女郎又按照邻居的话回家那么做了。第二天，两只马的尾巴还是一样长!她懒得走了，于是就打电话给她的邻居。
“我知道了，”当她的邻居得知两匹马的尾巴一样长以后说:“试着量量它们，也许一匹高一些，一匹矮一些。”
她又按邻居的话做了一次，然后跑回屋里给她的邻居打电话说:“你是对的!那匹黑色的马要比那匹白色的马高。”
Rebecca, I am glad you like these jokes:)
You have a great 4th of July weekend, too:)
I could not help laughing after I read the blonde joke. She went through all the trouble to find the differences between the two horses. Yet it was right in front of her eyes. One was a black horse. The other was a white horse.
Songsong, thanks for sharing all these hilarious jokes. Have a great 4th of July weekend.
叶子, I'm glad you like them:)
叶子,have a nice week!
Thanks, Songsong!
fengdaming好! #4让人啼笑皆非~ #6金发美女又成了别人嫉妒取笑的对象了~
fengdaming,周末快乐!
美眉好! 夫妻斗嘴也是别有趣味的~ 好像多人都喜欢那个有童话色彩的:)
美眉,周末快乐!
水沫好!那个还有动人的童话色彩:)
水沫,周末快乐！
点点好!是啊,急病可不等人啊.我也是头一次听说新车只装一个空气囊的:)
点点,周末快乐!
哈哈,尼斯,你的情报太有趣了~~~
尼斯,周末快乐!
君子好! 天下可怜的人好像不止是工程师啊,需要同情的人真是太多了~~~
君子,周末快乐!
哈哈,抱抱小小:)
小小,周末快乐!
松松周末快乐！
松松周末快乐！：））