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周末一笑: 新手上班(转载)

(2015-05-22 17:28:41) 下一个

1 新手上班

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small-crowed standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let’s get off the corner people.” A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let’s get off that corner…NOW!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first officer act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

一位新警官和一位有经验的搭档坐在警车里第一次去巡逻。一个电话打来说让他们去驱散一些闲逛的人。两个警官把警车开到那条街上，他们看见有一群人正站在街的拐角上。新警官摇下车窗喊道:“拐角上的人群快点散开。”人们看了几眼，但是没有人动。所以他又一次大喊:“那个拐角上的人们快点散开……马上!”人们由于害怕开始离开那里，并向他投来了不解的目光。年轻的警察很为自己的第一次执法行动而骄傲，转头向他的搭档说:“看，我干得怎么样?”“非常好，”老警察笑着说，“只不过这里是一个公共汽车站。”

2 只听上帝的安排

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!

He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN!

0k，the man thinks, let’s open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27!

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at the 26.

Finally, the deep voice says: This is called BAD LUCK! My son!

一个男人孤独的在海滩上散步。突然他听到一个低沉的声音:“挖!”

他环顾周围一个人都没有。他认为他一定是产生了幻觉。然后，他又听到了那个声音:“我说，挖!”

于是，他开始用双手在沙地上挖，挖了几英寸后他发现了一个小箱子，上面还有一把生锈的锁。

那个低沉的声音说:“打开!”

那个男人决定把那个箱子打开。他找到一块石头敲开了锁。当箱子打开时他看到里面全是金币。

那个低沉的声音说:“去赌场!”

那个男人一想赌场只有几英里远，于是就带着那个箱子去了赌场。

那个低沉的声音说:“轮盘赌!”

他把所有的金币都换成了轮盘赌的筹码，当他走到一个轮盘赌的桌子前，所有的人都用怀疑的目光看着他。

那个低沉的声音又说:“二十七!”

他把所有的筹码都压在了二十七上。那个赌桌都快放不下了。当那个球在轮盘赌上转动时每个人都安静了下来。最后，它停在了二十六上。

最终，那个低沉的声音说:“我的孩子，这就叫做‘倒霉’!”

3 我的房间在哪？

A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she finds none,and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car. Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to go and get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of aspirin in the car's glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes something: he can’t remember which room was his.

He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and honks the steering wheel horn several times. Within a minute, all the motel’s windows lighten up--except one window, and of course, he makes for the room with that window.

一对耳聋的夫妇在深夜住进了一间汽车旅馆。一进了定好的房间他们就躺下睡了。但等到半夜，妻子觉得头疼，于是就到卫生间找阿司匹林。可是她没有找到，这时她想起来在车上还有一瓶。她不敢深夜独自出去，于是就叫醒她的丈夫，让他出去从车上拿那瓶阿司匹林。晃晃悠悠的丈夫穿上睡袍，东倒西歪地走出门外。他在汽车仪表盘的贮物箱里找到了阿司匹林，当他准备回房间时，他想不起来到底哪间才是他的房间。

他想来想去，最后想出了一个主意。他打开车门然后按起了喇叭。不到一分钟，整个汽车旅馆里除了一间还黑着灯，所有的窗户都亮了。当然，因此他找到了自己的房间。

4 法官的手表

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police. "For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left it on my desk in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

"What?” said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first man,” said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."

一个法官正告知陪审团，不必因为一个证人改变了他已经交给警察的证词就认为他不可信。“比方说，”他说，“当今天我走进我的办公室的时候，我以为我的金表在我的口袋里。但随后我想起来我把它放在我卧室的书桌上了。”

当法官那天晚上回到家时，他妻子问他:“为什么那么着急要你的表?还派三个人取你的表，是不是有一点过分了?”

“什么?”法官说，“我没派人来取表，更不用说三个人。你都干了什么?”

“我把手表给了第一个人，”妻子说，“因为他很清楚那表放在什么地方。”

5 美女上班

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.

The supervisor checked up at the end of the day and found that she had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great,” he told her, "I think you are really going to work out.” The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only did two miles. The supervisor thought, "She is still above the average. I should not discourage her. I'd better keep silence first.” In the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse.”

The boss talked to the new employee and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Is there a problem? What’s keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?" The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket.”

一个已经几个月没有工作的金发女郎，找到了一份公共工程建设的工作。她要给一条乡村公路的中央画线。监工告诉她，在试用期她必须保证每天刷两英里或两英里以上才能保住工作。这个金发女郎同意马上开始工作。

监工当天检查时发现她第一天完成了四英里，是平均量的两倍!“很好!”监工告诉她，“我想你会干得很出色。”但是第二天，他失望地发现女郎只完成了两英里。监工想:“她还在平均量以上，我还不能打击她，我先要保持沉默。”第三天，金发女郎只刷了一英里，老板想:“在她干得更差之前我得跟她谈谈。”

老板对这个新雇员说:“第一天你干得那么好，刷了四英里，第二天两英里，但昨天你只刷了一英里。有什么问题吗? 什么让你连两英里的限度也到不了?”女郎回答:“因为我离油漆桶一天比一天远。”

6 寄给上帝的信

A little boy wanted one hundred dollar for a bicycle very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a five bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted wish the five-dollar bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:

Dear Lord，

Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted ninety-five dollars.

Love, Roger

一个小男孩非常想要一百美元买一辆自行车，但是祈祷了两个星期也没有结果。于是，他决定给上帝写一封信要这一百美元。当邮局收到这封收信人为“美国，上帝”的信后，他们决定把它寄给美国总统。总统很重视，也很感动。他命令他的秘书寄给个小男孩五美元纸钞。总统认为这对于一个小男孩来说应该是一笔大钱了。这个小男孩收到这五美元后非常高兴，又坐下来给上帝写了一封感谢信，信中写道:

亲爱的上帝:

非常感谢你寄给我的钱。可是我发现，由于某种原因您通过华盛顿寄给我的钱，像往常一样，那些奇怪的人扣走了九十五美元。

罗杰

(from Internet)

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