南山松
阳光明媚清风起，微波荡漾碧蓝天。
正文
1 优秀象棋手 A good Chess Player
A man went to visit his friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" He explained, "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen!"
"No, he's not so smart." The friend replied," I've beat him three games out of five"
一男士去拜访一位朋友，令他惊讶的是，他朋友竟然在和他的狗下象棋。他惊讶地看了会棋局，“我几乎无法相信自己的眼睛! ”他叫道，“这是我见过的最聪明的狗了。”
“不，他没那么聪明，”朋友回答说：“五盘里面我赢了三盘。”
2 唯物主义的人 A Materialistic Man
A man opened the door of his BMW,when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the man was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer,look what they've done to my BMW", he whined.
"You are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my God!" replied the man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!"
有一位人打开他的 BMW 座车车门，当时刚好有一辆车子突然驶来撞上车门，而且把它完全给扯了下来。
当警察到达现场的时候，这人正在对他的昂贵BMW座车所受到的损害，痛苦地抱怨不已。他满腹牢骚的向警察嘀咕说：
“警官，你瞧瞧他们对我的 BMW所干的好事啦！”
这名警官却回嘴说，“你这人实在太唯物主义了，你真让我觉得恶心！”
“你竟然这么担心你的笨BMW车子，却没注意到你的左手臂被扯断了”这人最后注意到流着血的左肩膀，也就是他的手臂原先所在之处，他回答说：“哦，我的天哪！我的劳动士手表在哪里呀？”
3 醉汉 A drunk
A police officer pulls over a guy who has been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Ok, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I am sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I am too drunk to do that."
有一位警官把一个在车道上穿进穿出，迂回蛇行的男子拦到路边。
他走到这名男子的车窗旁边说：“先生，我要你对着这个酒精测试管吹一口气。”
这名男子说：“对不起呀，警官，我不能吹呀。我是个气喘病患者呀。如果我吹的话，我就会真的患很严重的气喘病。”
“好， 好。我要你到警察局进行血液检验。”
“我不能抽血检验呀。我是个血友病患呀。如果我抽血检验，我就会流血过多而死呀。”
“嗯，那我们就要你进行尿液检验吧。”
“对不起呀 ，警官，我也不能验尿呀。我也是一个糖尿病患者呀。如果我验尿的话，我的血糖就真的会变得很低。”
“好吧，那我要你出来到这边，走这条白线。”
“警官，我办不到呀。”
“为什么办不到？”
“因为我喝得太醉了，所以做不了呀。”
4 致命的错误！ Fatal Mistake!
Fred had been a faithful husband and father. He was now in the hospital, near death. His family called their pastor to be with them at the hospital. As the preacher stood next to his bed, Fred's condition seemed to suddenly deteriorate and he motioned frantically that he wanted to write something. The pastor tenderly handed him a pen and a piece of paper. Fred seemed to use his last bit of energy to scribble something before he had a final spasm and died. The pastor thought it best not to look at Fred's note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. The same pastor officiated at Fred's funeral a couple days later. As he was finishing the service, he realized he was wearing the same jacket he had been wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm quite sure there's a word of inspiration there for all of us." He opened the note, and read, "MOVE . . . you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
弗雷德一直是忠实的丈夫和父亲。他现在在医院，临近死亡。他的家人叫了他们的牧师与他们一起在医院。当传道士站在他的床边，弗雷德的病情似乎突然恶化，他疯狂地示意，他想写东西。牧师温柔地递给他一支笔和一张纸。在他最后一个痉挛而死之前,弗雷德似乎用尽了最后的力气写了有点潦草的东西。在那个时候牧师认为最好不要看弗雷德的字条，所以他将它放在上衣口袋里。两天后相同的牧师主持了弗雷德的葬礼。当他完成了葬礼程序，他意识到他一直穿着同样的弗雷德死时他穿的外套。他说，“你知道，弗雷德死前递给我一张纸条。我还没有看过，但我知道弗雷德，我敢肯定那是对我们所有人都有激励作用的词。”他打开纸条，念道，“移开。你踩到了我的氧气管！”
5 导游 A Tourist Guide
A young Dublin university student with a distinctive Dublin accent - which I wish I could reproduce! was acting as a guide in Anne Hathaway's cottage in Stratford-on-Avon; his job was to show people Shakespeare's personal effects. The student did with great reverence: he would say "Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the bed of Mr. William Shakespeare!" The group of people he was conducting took photos and were suitably deferential; the student took them to the kitchen, picked up a pot and in a similarly reverential voice announced: ladies and gentlemen - the pot in which Mr. Shakespeare made his porridge. More photos, more appropriate deference. Leading his group into Shakespeare's study the student picked up a tiny skull; he held it as any sacred relic should be held and in a hushed voice said: "Ladies and gentlemen - the skull of William Shakespeare!" You could hear a feather drop such was the reverence and awe until a snotty nosed, plummy voiced Etonian adolescent brat pompously dismissed the skull: "Rubbish! - that couldn't possibly be the head of Shakespeare - it's far too small". The Dublin student, sniffed scornfully and in the most measured voice retorted: "Excu u - u - u - se me - that is the skull of Mr. William Shakespeare when he was twelve".
在安妮·海瑟薇的小屋，一位年轻的具有鲜明的都柏林口音的都柏林大学的学生是埃文河畔斯特拉特福的导游,他的工作主题是- 我希望我能重现！他的工作是向人们展示了莎士比亚的私人物品。这个学生带着非常的尊重做事：他会说“女士们，先生们，这是威廉·莎士比亚先生的床！”他导游的一群人就恰如其分地恭敬地进行拍照;学生带着他们到厨房，拿起锅并用一个同样虔诚的声音宣布：女士们，先生们 - 莎士比亚先生用这个锅做粥。更多的照片，更得体的尊重。带领他的小组继续莎士比亚的研究中，这个学生拿起一个小小的骷髅;他认为这是非常神圣的遗物，应举着用安静的声音说：“女士们，先生们 - 威廉·莎士比亚的头骨”你可以听到一根羽毛落下的声音那样的尊重和敬畏，直到有人用鼻子哼了一声，伊顿公学的青年小伙子傲慢地驳回了骷髅：“垃圾 - 这不可能是莎士比亚的头 - 这太小了。”都柏林的学生，轻蔑地嗤之以鼻，并用最有威力的声音反驳道：“请原-谅-我 - 这是威廉·莎士比亚先生的头骨，他那时12岁”。
6 5岁的回答 An Answer by a Five-year-old
Five-year-old Becky answers the door when the census-taker knocks. He asks, "Is your daddy at home?" She says, "No, he's performing an appendectomy." "That's a big word for someone so young. Do you know what it means?" "Sure, it means $1,500, not including the anesthesiologist."
当普查调查员来敲门的时候五岁的贝基开了门。他问，“你爸爸在家吗？”她说，“不，他在进行阑尾切除术。”“对你这么年轻的一个人来说这是一个很大词。你知道这是什么意思？”“当然，这意味着1,500美元还不包括麻醉师。”
(from internet)
忘了说了,谢谢canhe百忙中来访:)
哈哈,喜欢canhe的坦诚:)
问好!
问好fengdaming! 醉汉的问题很多啊:)
fengdaming,周末快乐!
是啊,小小,好悲剧!
小小,周末快乐!
醉汉什么洋相都可能出：））
谢谢松松分享，周末快乐！
问好雪花,周末愉快!
哈哈,圓圓,你的快乐很有感染力~
圓圓,周末快乐!
我补看了以前的，一个人在那儿傻笑，我家老D以为我疯了。。。
问好点点! 哈哈,唯物主义者都是十分坚强的人,欣赏点点高见:)
也祝点点周末快乐,元宵节快乐!