I rarely write 2 journals on the same day, but i just felt like for the past 8 yrs, im always constantly worried. When i first came to this country 10 yrs ago, i worried about my english. I wanted to speak fluent english, so i could make friends, talk w/ my teachers. After i became fluent in english, i wanted to master physics, calculus, chemistry, so i took all the possible science courses that were offered at the hs that i attended. When i had a decent understanding of physics, calculus, chemistry, i wanted to graduate w/ a bs degree in ee from u of i's ece department.
Now after graduating from u of i, i was happy for like 2 days, don't give me wrong, after i talked w/ my senior design professor and visited Kudeki's office, shook hand w/ him, i was happy indeed. I felt like i was the happiest person in the whole world. I still remember, when i walked out of Everitt Lab after saying goodbye to kudeki, i raised my arm in the air and i was like man, can u believe i actually graduated?? even now, as im writing this journal, i have a big smile on my face, b/c be able to graduate from u of i's ece department means a lot, if not the world to me. A lot of the times, i feel like the kind of happiness that im craving for in life_is built upon countless days of stressful time, hard work, frustration. However, just like what happened in the past, after being happy and proud of myself for like 2 days, i started to wry again, worried about_after putting my heart and soul into earning a degree from u of i for the past 4.5 yrs, whether am i gonna be able to find a job. Cuz part of the reason that i studied ee at u of i was to boost my chance of finding a job, i also enjoyed learning about eletromagnetic waves for sure, and thats one of the main reasons why i really really really want to work as a RF engineer and just like what happened in the past, i will turn my dream into reality..
I bet even after i find a job, hopefully soon, i will be worried again, im not exactly sure what yet, but i will be extremely surprised if im not worried. I think b/c im constantly unsatisfied w/ what i have accomplished in my life, thats what motivates to work hard on a daily/weekly/yearly basis. Even now, after earning a degree from u of i's ece department, i dont necessarily feel like im a sore loser, but i firmly believe that i can do better, im only 22, not even 23 yet, i still have a lot left in the tank, if i work hard in the next 30, 40 yrs like what i been doing for the past 10 yrs, who knows what can happen, the sky is the limit. But I really hope one day, i will say to myself, kd, daishuo, you have accomplished all of ur dreams that u set for urself, you should feel satisfied. I sincerely and truthfully hope that one day that i will be able to accomplish this state of mind. Otherwise, my life will be stressful all the time, and thats bad. It is bad for me physically/emotionally/mentally. Maybe this is one of the reasons why when others tell me kd, daishuo, im stressed out, i feel absolutely emotionless when others say that to me, cuz i feel like for the past how many yrs, i have lived my life under very stressful conditions. If i can do it, and i don't complain about it, you can do it too.
1/5/11
