大杂烩

 

 

 

 

During lunch at work, i ate 3 helpings of of beans which I know I shouldn't of...

When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight"... 

She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang...

She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call...

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room. I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go...

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump... 

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more... 

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes...

The pleasure was indescribable.

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself...

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long...

She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not...

At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday"...

 

 

 

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked,

“Say partner before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said,

“I had to walk home.”