英语幽默几则

1. Sooner or later　


　A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.

　　Judge: Have you ever stolen things?

　　Thief: Oh, now and then.

　　Judge: And where have you stolen these things?

　　Thief: Oh, here and there.

　　Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer.

　　Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?

　　Judge: Oh, sooner or later.



2. Very Stupid Robbers



　　Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

　　The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!"

　　The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"


3.　A Jealous Wife


　　There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night

　　and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him," Great, so now you'


　　re cheating on me with a bald woman!"

　　The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by

　　saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

　　吃醋的妻子

　　从前有个妻子醋劲很大。一天晚上丈夫回家，她没有从他衣服上找到头发，于是大叫：“好啊，现在你开始和秃头的女人骗我了！”

　　第二天晚上，她没有从丈夫衣服上闻到香水味，于是又大叫：“她不但是个秃头，而且很穷酸，连香水都不买。”


4. Difference


　　"If you tell a man anything, it goes in at one ear and out at the oth-er." she remarked.

　　"And if you tell a woman anything," he countered, "it goes in at both ears and out of her mouth."

男人女人的区别

女人说：“你告诉男人一件事，他一个耳朵进，一个耳朵出。”
男人回敬说：“你告诉女人一件事，她两个耳朵进，再从嘴巴里出。”


5.　The mean man's party.

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."


　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"


　　吝啬鬼请客

　　一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

　　“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

　　“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。