今天是我生命中最最sad的一天（写于2009年5月14日）

这两天脑子里一直想着给大家讲讲在美国做医生的辛苦和甜蜜，尤其对女孩子学医来说，早上上班路上还在回忆几个曾经共事过的女医生包括住院医生。每当回忆我在美国做住院医或在美国工作的经历，John 的音容笑貌总是最先跳进我脑海。。。 我来美国几个月就参加了住院医考试，期间有很多好人相助，没有在美国工作一天就直接进了外科做住院医。由于对美国工作和生活环境很不熟悉，突然进入外科住院医训练，可想困难有多大。我第一轮跟的是John。 John为人非常descent and graceful，天生的compassionate,humor and caring。在头两个月炼狱般的training期间，他给了我无数的关照和鼓励。至今仍记得，最初的几天，经过24小时外科on-call，第二天还要查房，处理病人，最后还要把完整病例经电话口述记录。人那时累的如行尸走肉般连哭的力气都没了。一天John过来说我来给你作dictation吧,我咬咬牙说我能做（当时眼泪直在我眼圈里打转转，只好别过头去），他走过来摸摸我的头，深叹一口气,什么都没说。就这一声叹气，一个轻轻的摸头，让我在极端困难的环境里感到无限的温暖。以后我们又在一起轮转了几次，让我有机会从他那里学到更多的东西。我经常给LG讲John对我的帮助，我还知道了John的definition 就是God of gracious...... John是最好的team leader,轮转trauma时，再危及的情况经他指挥都会变得井井有条。他wife是儿科医生，他经常给我们讲他wife,讲他老家后面有条铁路，讲他brother也考上了medical school. 后来还给我们看他第一个孩子的照片，真的很漂亮啊。 John 是trauma surgeon(他天生就有一种大义凌然，荣辱不惊，发自内心的compassionate,绝对是做trauma医生的好材料),我后来做了专科。十几年来，我时不时想起John，想起他对弱者的同情和关照，想起他对我的鼓励和赞许。。。。(I am in tearing...) 不知为什么我最近总是想起他，加上要给大家写有关住院医生的经历，我今天利用一点空闲时间上网google他的名字。突然跳进我眼帘的是“John was killed in Iraq". 我当时一愣，死都不相信那是我认识的John 。 于是我避过那一条，点了John 的faculty profile. 这一页展现的是我熟悉的似乎一点没变的笑容，和让我愣了很久的噩耗。。。。John, a trauma surgeon, was killed in iraq by enemy mortar, on Christmas day,  我眼泪一下就流出来了，follow the webside, 我找到了他和他家人建立的网站，一条条读了他和他家人写的所有blog...... 我为今生能认识John而感到自豪。 John， rest in peace, you will be missed forever! (in tearing......) 下面是他第二次去Iraq前写的，建议大家读一下。 I had been dreading the conversation for weeks. I finally found the right time while my four year old was being captivated by a episode of wonderpets on Noggin. I called the older two kids into our sunroom far enough away from John John that he wouldn’t hear our conversation. I didn’t know how to begin, and with my intial studdering and delay the kids began to get concerned. As a trauma surgeon, I knew from years of breaking bad news to families that often the best way to start is with the painful facts. “Daddy is going back to Iraq” The words had an immediate impact, and Danielle, my 10 year-old daughter began to cry. Along with her, Frankie who is now 8, got up from the chair he was sitting in and came to the couch and we all collapsed into one big sobbing hug. My plan to contain the scene worked as far as John John did not hear the commotion in the sunroom. Forty-five seconds and only a few words to deliver, the message clearly changed the kids world in a deep way. My first deployment as an Army reserve Surgeon was a blurr.. The two years from the time I took the oath of office to become a reservist to the day I left for the first deployment seemed like a time warp. The only recollection I have of that time is the daily torrents from my wife Carmela about my decision to join the army, and her ongoing disbelief that I could intentionally put her and the children through this ordeal. Less emotional, but still personal, was the effect my leaving had on my colleagues at the Trauma center at the University of Pennsylvania. The surgeons I work with are more than colleagues they are my extended family. My leaving meant they would have to cover my responsibilities – which in many cases meant more time for them apart from their families. Some had to curtail vacations and give up some professional opportunities. In retrospect, I balanced all of these sacrifices with an overwhelming feeling of service and duty. I felt, and still do to an extent, that I had a skill set in trauma surgery that would help the soldiers, the army and by extension, the mission in Iraq. I have always had a great sense of patriotism, and felt that it was an obligation for me to serve, especially during a time of war. Without any real military experience to temper my altruism, I was excited to serve. I even felt a sense of adventure peppered with a healthy dose of male bravado. I wanted to go to war. This time is much different. Although I will never regret serving, and I am fully volunteering for this next deployment, I have having deep reservations. Although with the same sense of patriotism, I now feel that I am dragging my family into a commitment that they never agreed to join. Since returning from Iraq, I have come to realize that there are two types of Americans – those that understand duty, honor, country – and those who do not. It is not a measure of how good of a person they are, or even how good of a citizen they are. It is just that some people understand sacrifice for ones country, and some do not. My wife does not see the honor in serving, and instead she sees three children that need their father. My children may understand why there is a war, but they do not understand why I need to go to the war. By singing up to do this, I inadvertently drafted the people I love the most into a very serious commitment that they did not want to make. It was unfair, and I now regret that I am putting them through this for so long. Likewise, my professional colleagues have become fatigued and impatient with military deployments. I am one of several surgeons in my division that have been called into service. This has created significant hardships for our division of surgery and for the trauma center as a whole. With the unprecedented role of reserve units in all aspects of the war on terror, the continued call up of citizen soldiers is straining relationships in many workplaces. Although my team is always supportive and gracious externally, I know that there are feelings of frustration and anger under the surface. In the center of the swirling emotions I have about going back to Iraq is the cold hard realization that I need to go back to Iraq. Although the combat tempo continues to improve monthly, Iraq and Afghanistan remain extremely dangerous places. Perhaps being blinded by excitement, I completely under-estimated the danger of working in Iraq during my first tour. There is no safe haven in country, no “behind the lines.” The war is everywhere, all of the time. And beyond the actual threat of IEDs, mortars and snipers, there are thousands of ways to get hurt by accident. Helicopters crash, cars roll over in ditches, young soldiers accidentally discharge their weapons, building collapse, there are friendly fire mishaps- it is an endless OSHA nightmare. The culmination of all this is a deep depression about leaving in December. I also feel a great deal of anger – anger that the war s still gong on, frustration that young kids are still getting hurt and killed and that the brunt of suffering of the Iraqi people continues. Unlike the first time, when everything seemed clear and precise, I feel this tour is pushing my family, my colleagues and my luck over the edge. I concluded our talk in the sunroom with many hugs and kisses. My message to them, and to my wife, my to my mom and dad, and to everyone I work with is this - I am sorry that I have to go back to Iraq. I am sorry that you were all dragged into this commitment. To my colleagues I know you have my back and I will find a way to return the favor somehow in the future. To Danielle, Frankie and John, I pray that someday you understand why I joined the Army, why I had to go to Iraq. To Carmela, I love you more than anything in the world, and I am sorry I have put you through so much. To everyone, I hope that you forgive me for making you unwilling compatriots in this seemingly unending saga.