asleep in your arms... 10/21

I think you are right...my mind has been so active lately, it's
actually unusual. I think when I am used to a routine, things are
easier. I guess everyone needs routine to some degree, but I also
needed time to think hard about what to do next in my life. Still not
sure about that...it is actually more than just planning, too…

It is hard to explain, but the last few months I feel like I needed to
keep my mind open for something important. Remember when I told you
about my instincts, and how I have learned to be receptive to them? My
instincts have been telling me that I am on the verge of something
great, something larger than myself. I wonder now if those instincts
were about you.

It's really hard for me to make a decision about what I want now
without taking you into account. I don't want you to think of that as
a burden, though, it really isn't. I just don't think I would be fair
to myself if I didn't consider you.

In a way I almost feel selfish.

I would feel even more selfish if I went to Mexico.  The more I think
about going, the less I feel like going...it is such an irresponsible
thing for me to do right now, and I feel like I am doing now what I
wanted to do there anyway, which is to say, not much but think and
write. Of course, it isn't as warm here, but there will be plenty of
warmth in the future for me.

There was a time when I thought I had everything I wanted. I enjoyed
material wealth, and I lived a fast, carefree lifestyle. I always
thought it was strange that the more I had, the less I felt. Almost
all of the important things, feelings, spirituality and emotions, were
dull in my heart. I think most people carry on living that way, and
trade their personal spiritual growth for a life of distraction. But,
the more things I bought, the more my soul became hungry for something
more.

I was always very generous to my friends when it came to money and
gifts. For awhile, that served to keep my soul somewhat content. I
felt that as long as I returned my good fortune to others, I was
somehow satisfying my heart and soul. It took a long time for me to
realize the error in my thinking...I wasn't being honest to myself. I
was always hungry for something else. I think that is why I stayed in
the abusive relationship I was in for so long. I felt my happiness was
dependant on my changing the person I was with into the person I
wanted her to be.

It's not that I didn't learn anything, though. I learned certain
nuances about living with women. I learned about loss. I felt genuine
hatred for the first time in my life. I also learned that I am good
with children, so much so that I still think they teach me more than I
could ever teach them. Does that make any sense? Still though, I think
I was merely training myself for something more, something better.

When I was growing up, I had a real hard time dealing with all the
thoughts in my head. I wrote a lot throughout my early teen years,
poetry, etc. I studied hard, did well in school, even though for the
most part it bored me so much. I felt my only challenge was to figure
out why I had to be born "different" than the people around me.
Typical childhood angst and estrangement, in retrospect. Still, the
strong feelings I had, the emotional swings, the constant
thinking...it all caused me to feel depressed about things. I chose
the "wrong crowd" to hang out with, mostly because I felt accepted,
but also because it was an outlet for me to be more honest and
outspoken without fear of judgment. If you can imagine this, I had
long hair, never took off my sunglasses, cut class whenever I chose,
but studied in advanced placement courses. I never quite fit into the
mold others (teachers, counselors, parents) felt I should fit into. I
was a case study in fact, for a student psychologist, who I had to sit
with once a week for almost a full year. She was worse off than me,
and most the time I spent counseling her.  I wonder if she ever did
get her degree…

I have always been empathic, and because of this I became very
depressed around age twelve or thirteen. I think it was because
adolescence among the people around me was so difficult. That and I
think I have always tried to get acceptance from my father, a goal
that to the day I feel I may never succeed. Interesting…tonight I
asked him what he would do if he were in my place. He responded, "I
think we both know that we don't see things the same. I could never
take the blind leaps of faith that you seem so comfortable doing,".
Well, the one thing manhood has brought me is the knowledge that I may
never satisfy my fathers' wishes for me. I may never do things his
way, only now I don't care too much!  For that reason, I have not told
him about you.

I am definitely from my mother's side of the family. This worries her
to no end, of course, because she had such a rough time growing up
with her siblings. There is another reason though, but it takes an
open mind to understand.

Do you believe you have only five senses? When you wrote and asked if
I thought I was telepathic, I almost choked. The reason I ask, is that
while I don't believe I am telepathic, I do believe there is a
powerful sixth sense that runs on my mom's side of the family. The
only person that has a conceptual grasp of it is my Aunt/Godmother,
while all of my Mom's other siblings have not realized that sense the
same way. Almost everyone in my family seems to think my Aunt is a
little bit weird, maybe borderline crazy at times. I kind of laugh at
that. To have a other sensations, especially in the Catholic church my
Mom's family was raised in, was taboo, to say the least. So, for the
most part, this "gift" manifested itself differently in my relatives.
My uncles struggled with addiction issues with drugs, for instance,
sometimes thinking they had "voices" in their head. My Mom, like
myself when I was younger, thought she was different. She actually had
a whole lot of other circumstances that prevented her from being
aware, not the least of which was the death of her mother when she was
twelve.

Anyway, my Aunt and I share a quiet, unspoken understanding…an
awareness that we see things differently than most. (She is uncanny
when it comes to predicting earthquakes, for example). I think some
people are more aware of things in life than others. Kind of like
radio antennas, people have a different sensitivity to the world
around them.  My antenna is just a little more tuned than most others,
I think.  Like I said before, I can "see" the future…but only a couple
minutes ahead!  Lol…seriously, though, I don't think I would
characterize anyone in my family as crazy, nor would anyone else.  My
own brother and sister don't seem to have the same kind of mind as me,
that's for sure. They are definitely my Dad's kids, even sharing the
same physical traits.

So…just thought I would write you a little more about what goes on in
my mind. I have been thinking of how well I'd be able to sleep if you
were at my side…I think I'd sleep very well, by the way…or maybe not
at all! I think I would stay up all night watching you sleep,
actually…and I would have a perpetual smile…

Love you,

 

 

 

Since nobody can understand life completely yet, anything is possible. I do believe people have different talents, and some talents cannot be explained or even described. As far as I know, you are different from any men I've ever known...

 

Like I told you before, I am not going anywhere, I will always be here. I love you and I want you to do things that you like to do, things that make you happy, no matter what.

 

I don't have time to write more today, so good night, and rest well.

 

 

 

I think I understand that destination is not important for your journey, no matter what you do next, you will have my support. It doesn't matter if you chose to travel or stay. I said "I will always be here" because I don't want you worry about me when you decide to travel and explore the world. But I do want you to come back though. Actually even if you decide not to come back in the end, I won't blame you. I will be happy for you if you find what you are looking for. You are free, and I want you to be free.

 

On the other hand, I am not free, and I feel vulnerable at this point. I don't have enough time for my daughter, and I am not financially independent. I need time. Before I can stand on my own feet, I don't want things go wrong and out of my control.

 

When I face H everyday, I feel very selfish and deceiving. I want to tell him but I know the consequences won't be good.  I don't want him to find out because I want to tell him myself someday, when the time is right, to minimize the hard feelings and damages. I imagined different ways of telling him but none of them are good at this point.  I try very hard not to check your email often at home, and try not to write to you at home unless I feel absolutely necessary. I don't want to rise any suspicion to complicate things.

 

I don't think I have 6 senses, but if you say you have, I believe you. When you told me that you can see the future, I believed you too. If I can not prove something non-exist, I believe it might exist. Remember I said that I liked your eyes first? Somehow I found them very mysterious in the beginning, that is why I decided to look into your eyes to find out what color they were. I thought that was the first step I should take to figure out why your eyes were mysterious. I'd never found anyone's eyes mysterious before. It was the first time I did something daring like that, I was surprised to find out that your eye color was so light, yet your eyes seemed so deep that night. It was such a strange feeling that I wrote it down and posted on the forum I visit very often. My friends there laughed at me because I used both "light" and "deep" to describe your eyes. In Chinese, "deep"  uses the same character as "dark", the opposite of "light". They also made fun of me by saying, "how close did you look so that you can say light eyes look so deep?" :). But then when we get to know each other more, I don't think your eyes are mysterious anymore, even though they are still very beautiful.

 

My mind was very busy all the time when I grew up. It was even like that in the first three years of my college. I got very frustrated and forced myself to do the crazy things that I planed to do earlier in my mind so that I could learn a lesson and stop thinking so much. I asked others that if they thought that much as I did, they all told me no. I daydreamed so much, sometimes I stared at my textbook for the whole evening but didn't even read one single line. But I lost this towards the last two years of my college (It is a 5 year college). I don't know how and why. I don't think much at all now, I don't even plan things when I should be planing. I feel bad about this, but I guess I could take it as a blessing, judging from my experience.

 

I think your father probably worries about your life and your future. Like the pictures you showed me, when we look at things too close, we actually cannot see them as what they are. Your father watched you grow up and knew all the things you did,  he probably focuses on those things and cannot understand you are not a boy any more. You've grown up to be a responsible man. Since he doesn't know, it is normal for him to be worried and upset. You cannot explain that to him because he needs proof. Don't worry about him, I am sure he will understand in the end. He is your father, and he loves you.

 

Actually, we all need to learn to do things that we feel right, not to please others, even parents. Every generation is different.
I suddenly realized this after my daughter's born. There are some stories here, maybe I can tell you some other time. Anyway, my daughter's birth made me realized that I am the only one who is important to her, just her, that I need to be strong for her so that I can take a good care of her. From there I became  more self-assertive.

 

I am glad that you feel better today...

 

Oh, if you stay up all night watching me sleeping, I probably cannot sleep at all. I am very picky about sleeping environment. It has to be dark, quiet, warm, and, no one is watching... :)

 

Have a wonderful day.

 

 

I think it is good we finally broached the subject of H and your
daughter...I have thought a lot about that, and how that is a part of
this "puzzle".

Like I have said, I will not push you into anything you are not
prepared to do. You mention that you are afraid of losing control of
the situation, and you'll have to trust me that I don't want that to
happen either. I would never intentionally hurt you, and will do
everything I can to please you.

I guess the simple question is, do you want to remain married to him?
If you decided that you would accept that as your fate, then I would
support that as well, albeit sadly. You are right when you say that
your daughter has no one else but you for her guidance, and really,
your decisions have to be made by taking her into account first. I
would expect nothing less of you, and that is the mark of a loving,
caring and responsible mother. I know you are that kind of woman, and
I love you for that, as well.

How you treat yourself, and how you allow yourself to be treated, are
also equally important...not only to you, but to your daughter as
well. She will grow up and idolize you as her model, and she learns
from you first.

Patience is important in these matters, and they do require careful
thought and timing. The consequences of divorce are never easy. That
is your decision, and like I told you, I will be patient and wait for
you. You will know when, and if, the time is right. I trust your
judgment.

> Actually, we all need to learn to do things that we feel right, not to
> please others, even parents.

I think that is a very profound statement. I think about that often,
especially considering that I am not a conventional person. I find
myself asking that question to myself, "Am I doing what I feel is
right?".

Jen, when it is right for you to act on your behalf, as far as H is
concerned, it will be difficult. Probably more difficult for him, but
not easy for you either.

I think you and I have created a special relationship with each other,
and I will always be there for you. You must believe me when I say
that I don't take love lightly. How you and I have come to this is
still surprising to me, but I do know that it feels right. You are
very special to me...

Anyway, I have to take a shower now, I will write more later...

 

When I said "I want you to come back", I meant that when you do come back for me, the situation will be different, that is, I will not stay married with H. It was not easy for me to say that to you, and I was surprised that I even said that so soon. That is why I said it is very hard for me to refuse anything you want.

 

I don't really have a very clear logical explanation, but it feels right for me to say that, so I said it and try to treat it as a promise. However, when I try to be practical and think about what I need to do, the first thing I want to do is to get to know you well. I trust you, and believe almost everything (well, a few differ from my belief and need time to prove ;)) you said, but still, there are lots of things I don't know yet and I feel uneasy about that.

 

Actually, the best explanation might be my boldness, come to think about it now.  I would do things with very little thinking, just follow my instinct, or even, my interest during certain period of time. It also because of my understanding of love. It should be natural for two people who love each other to be together. Somehow I feel it is not fair to you if we love each other, but I stay married to H, and you are alone by yourself...Anyway, there is no clear explanation.

 

I thought about how my relationship with H would affect Rebecca's view very often ever since she's born. I know there are lots of things that I cannot change and cannot control, I am also afraid that her image of a good husband will be like her Dad, but in many cases, I cannot do anything about them. That is why sometimes when H was mad at Rebecca and discplined her, I, somehow, would get mad at him and picked on him. It seemed very unreasonable, but I know that is because of my disappointment in him.

 

I didn't really like my father when I grew up, even though I respect him a lot. I don't want to have a husband like him, but actually, "my type" of men bears a lot of resemblance to my father, a updated, better version of him. :)

 

This is such a heavy topic. But I never want to avoid it.

 

How's your day? Are you still tired? less tired?

 

You started to learn Chinese now? How? You amaze me a lot.

So...ask away. Some things you will learn about me when we have time to be together, of course, but I would never hold anything back from you. I will do what I can to help you feel less uneasy...

One reason why I am studying Chinese culture and language is an effort to learn more about you. Since I cannot be around you, I can't speak with you often, all I have is e-mail and generic information. When you mentioned that our two cultures make things different and difficult, I decided to read about anything I can to understand you better.  So, yes, I am trying to get a start on language, writing, poetry, etc. By the way, I am finding that Chinese poetry is either very beautiful, or very sad. There is a lot of romantic poetry though, too...

Anyway, we both want to learn more about each other. I never take anyone at face-value, and I find that looking into the soul and really trying to understand somebody is important. Usually I don't even go through all the work to really know a complicated person like yourself. Most times I find that it wouldn't be worth it...but you are different. Some people are real simple, and you don't have to scratch too deep to find their nature. There are a lot of layers to you, not the least of which is your intellect...something I've never had in my serious relationships.

So...I hope your Friday wasn't too busy. Busy is good for money, I suppose, but I hate to see you work so much.  I miss you so much, Jen...

I am feeling okay...still lingering discomfort, but I've been drinking a lot of tea and reading, relaxing, etc. I think I've even managed to gain a couple pounds this week. :)

I've been reading a really good book today...I was writing you a message earlier about, so I should finish that by tomorrow.  It might be a long e-mail. Anyway, the book is titled "Into the Wild", and it is a true story about a young man who is similar to me in many ways. It's real interesting that I started reading this book today, especially considering some of the content...common dates with things in my life, common ideas about travelling and living an almost ascetic lifestyle...some strange coincidences. Unfortunately, it is a sad story, as the man was found dead. Anyway, I should finish the book by tonight.

Hope you rest well, tonight Jen...the thought of you makes me smile, inside and out.

 

How's your day? Is everything good?

 

I am surprised that you think I am a complicated person. I have layers, but I never thought I could be described as complicated. :(

I like simple things, but if possible, I prefer simple things with an elegant twist. I am mentally lazy and always try to avoid complicated situation, I don't even cook food that has too many ingredients, or has too many procedures. I enjoy simplifying things in everyday life, or you can say, I am lazy;).

I really appreciate that you even make an effort to learn Chinese now. You have a mind of a child who doesn't fear to learn new things, and you are very flexible. Have fun, don't work too hard. 

 

Last night I dreamed that you and I were walking on a street, we came to a big building, and you told me,"Look, this is where the Irish people go for special occasions." I guess I was trying to learn things about Irish in my dream.

 

I've been very busy today. Today is Rebecca's birthday. 

 

I have people here to paint the walls overnight now. In a couple of days, this place will look different.

 

很想你.希望你的病已经好了. 

 

Good night, and rest well.