I hope your day is going well so far…I wish I could be there with you.
I read your e-mail last night over and over again…my mind became so
full of words, thoughts, things to tell you. If there is any doubt or
wondering how I feel about you, you need to know that when I close my
eyes, I feel that we are together. I can feel you in my heart, in my
soul. For some reason, and without any effort, you have become a part
of me.
Last night, I laid down and spoke to you in my mind, told you that I
loved you, and prayed you could feel my love from a distance. When I
woke this morning, I was clutching my pillow tight to my chest, and as
I woke, I realized I was still telling you I loved you.
I am not normally this way. There have even been times that I longed
for you, that I would try to think of something else so as not to feel
your absence…actually, my absence from you. What surprises me is that
I dream of you so often. I don't think I have dreamt of anyone so
consistently, as I have you. It's almost like my soul is trying to
tell my mind that you are always to be with me. Most times in my
dreams, I don't even see you…I just sense you are there…even in my
most intensely passionate dreams, I just feel you. I wonder if that
makes any sense.
I think there was a time in my life that I needed validation. My first
relationship was more like a challenge than a relationship. I felt
that if I could make it succeed, then I would have what every man
wants. At the time, I had a lot of disposable income, and that was how
I managed to keep things going for so long…many years after the love
had gone, in fact. It wasn't unlike your relationship with H, in
many ways, I think. I see a burden of pride in H like I once had
myself. That pride caused so much pain in my past.
Anyway, in many regards I had affection for the last person I was
with. She never challenged my thinking, and was not very intelligent.
I could never discuss philosophy with her, or thoughts, opinions,
ideas. The fact that I dedicated my life to raising her son was a huge
commitment for me, a challenge. Beyond that, I could not let her
completely into my heart, and I did not trust her. The effect that
had on my ability to love was dramatic. I had settled for what I had,
not what I wanted or needed. I was content, and emotionally lazy. It
was if I accepted fate, given up on life almost. I justified things
to myself, and put still more energy into her son. It wasn't until my
perceptions of her became clear, my lack of trust in her proved a good
instinct, that I decided to move on.
My point is, I have always had to TRY to love the people I wasted time
on. With you it is so clearly different; My love for you is a natural
one. I never tried to love you, I just know I do. I could never tell
people the things I can tell you, I could never share with anyone the
feelings and thoughts I can with you. On top of that, I would normally
feel like hiding myself from you…I feel like the poor man who would
not court the rich woman for fear of her finding out I had nothing but
love to offer. Pride was always important to me. The weird thing is, I
am not afraid to show you who I am…to bare my heart and soul to you. I
sensed you were special a long time ago, and it has taken until
recently for me to realize just how special.
I have been thinking about what this all means lately. I feel that my
heart is tied to yours. I have felt that for some time now, though if
you asked me what point in time that became clear, I don't think I
could tell you. It just happened. That, in itself, seems close to a
miracle to me. Over the last year, I had built up a defense against
feeling connected to anybody…how you were able to get through that
confuses me.
I have been alone in my feelings for a long time. Even in my previous
relationships, I have always had a reserved place in my heart that no
one would reach…I guess that came from my fears. I don't know why, but
I feel so comfortable with you. I have no fear of you hurting me…I
think you understand more about me, in such a small amount of time,
than anyone has understood even after years of knowing me.
You are right that we have cultural differences. I am not afraid of
those, no matter how strong they are. I am flexible and fair-minded.
Truth is, I am so interested in your life, your experiences, your
ideas. The joining of ideas is how people grow together, and besides
that, America has no real culture of her own, anyway. It is more an
amalgam of many cultures, and I have been more receptive to that fact
than most of my family. I used to say "My country, right or wrong!",
an ignorant and arrogant approach to the world I think. The fact is,
the world is a large place, full of new things to learn, cultures to
explore and integrate.
I don't love you because you are Chinese. I love that you are, though.
It is an important aspect of who you are. I want to learn everything
about that, because I feel that will help me know you completely. I
don't like to think that I am rigid on my thinking, that I cannot be
open to new things. It is a part of your very fabric, and therefore it
is important to me as well.
I want to share a future with you, J. Someday, I believe that
future will be realized. This puzzle that you and I are a part of is
for both of us, I think. I have been doing so much thinking about what
my plans are, what my dreams are, what choices I should make. I know
that if it is something we both want, than we can be together someday.
I know it is complicated, especially when factoring other people into
the equation. I have just never felt so strongly that someone could be
worth that effort. Until I met you.
I was not feeling too well today. As the day passed, I became very
fatigued and sore. I had a long set of naps this afternoon, well into
the evening. I dreamt a lot. I am still amazed just how much you have
become a part of my mind, heart and spirit...
I miss you so much it hurts...
I'll write more later, love...
Always thinking of you,
-------------
I am human, I assure you...
I wish you would tell me everything, happy, sad, good,
bad...everything. I love getting to know you, and unhappy topics don't
effect my physical health. There was a time I think they did, but I
have become stronger as I grew up and learned how to handle my
energies...
I feel a strong need to be around you, by the way...you are right when
you said it was addictive...and just hearing from you, or reading your
e-mails brings a joy to my heart, no matter the content.
Is everything good with you? I only ask because I have a feeling that
you are tired, or sad...
Things do go according to people's plans, eventually, I think. If we
want it bad enough, that is. Some people are not even drawn to things
in life, feel no importance in the grand scheme of things. You are not
one of those people. You should not feel bad about the choices you
have made in the past. You deserve love...unconditional and
complete.Someday you will have that, just the way you dream it should
be.
I wish I was there to talk with you...to hold you, listen to your
breath, feel you...
Please don't ever hold anything back with me, okay?
Sleep well, j, and have sweet, happy dreams...
Love,
> At least I know that you are human now ;). I worry about you a lot and was
> hoping that you can get some good rest at your parents' home.
>
> I wish I could do something for you to make you feel better. I will not talk
> about the unhappy topics anymore. Things never happened according to my
> plans anyway.
>
> Hope you will feel better tomorrow...You don't need to write to me when you
> are not feeling well...
---------
You are so beautilful...
I love this picture...
I want you so bad right now....
