I am glad that things were good with you and your parents. I am not surprised that you told your mom about me. It is good that you can still talk with your mom about your personal life. Not a lot of people have that kind of luxury.
My parents were always busy and I was never close to them. I kept everything to myself since I was very young. I don't remember they ever held me once after I started school. My parents deliberately kept a distance from us because they believe distance creates authority, and authority makes discipline more effective. Their love to us was tough love, and the goal was for us to achieve more in life so we can live a better life. As a result, I became closer to my mom after I started college, when she thought that I didn't need discipline from them any more. But I've never gotten so close to her that I can talk with her about my feelings.
My father tried to sell his parenting philosophy to me when I had my daughter but I didn't buy it. It is a different time and a different place. I love to hold my daughter and hear her talking about anything. I want her to know that I will always be there for her whenever she needs me, no matter what.
You are probably telepathic, I wonder. Have you ever thought why you are happy being around me? I am a happy person, you probably sensed that. Mike (the boy) is a happy person too, that is probably one of the reasons that you like him ;)
I can't sense sadness from others very easily. When I see someone sad, I have to make an effort to tell me that he is sad, and he needs help or comfort, then I will go help him. Sometimes Hao thinks I am cold because I am not even sad at the funerals. Another strange thing about me is that I can find humor even in a very bad situation.
Here is an example. We were watching Pianist at home. At the end of the movie, there were a lot of shootings, and there was a scene that the shootings happened near a hospital. It was not supposed to be a funny scene I guess, but I thought it was funny. I was sarcastic, "Oh good. It is so close to a hospital that they can get cure right away." Hao said, "I knew you would say that." And indeed, in the movie, there were nurses coming out to carry the wounded soldiers to the hospital in the next scene. I laughed.
I am not insensitive. I notice the moods of people around me, and I notice a lot of details that most people can't, but some moods won't affect me.
I didn't expect myself to write so much to you, but I love to write to you. I love to read your email too and I read them many times so that I can memorize them.
I do have fears. I do not fear of love, but I fear of future. I like certainty, and many years after I thought I was settled already, I met you.
I was very stubborn in a way that if I wanted something, I would not give up. I would find all kinds of ways to get it. Normally I am very content and don't have strong desires. But if I locked on a certain thing, big or small, I locked on. Nobody could change my mind, not even myself. This hurt me and others badly in the past. I learned to give up eventually. I learned to compromise when I get older. I learned that I cannot have everything in life so I need to give up some things no matter how good they are.
That is probably one sad aspect of getting older (or growing up), even though it is more helpful most of the time.
For the longest time, I only want a peaceful and comfortable life. I have it, though not perfect, but I accepted it.
But I met you. It happened in such a short period of time, and you are so pure and loving, like an angel. When I was with you, I was so happy that it became very addictive.
There are moments that I could feel my love to you so strongly and clearly, even when I wasn't in your arms. Like one night, I went to shut the door and saw you throw the garbage bag on your back and walk towards the dumpster… It is not simply because you helped us, it was something about you that I love, they way you walked, the way you held the cigarette, the way you carry the garbage bag... I cannot explain. Like you walked in after I said we shouldn't see each other any more. Your face turned red for a second and it was so cute… I can go on and on…I know I love you because if you ask anything from me, it would be very hard for me to refuse…And I'm glad (or should I?) you have very good self-control. I know I love you because I start to care about you so much that it hurts…
I have fears. Fear of conflict, fear of losing something good and important, fear of no control over my life, fear of uncertainty…Don't worry about me though. Fear is part of everyone's life, mine is always under control.
You said you couldn't offer me anything. Things you referred to here are never in my love equation. Maybe I should add them in my equation when I was young, then my life would have been easier, or at least, different;). But I did manage to add them in my marriage equation after I had my daughter and realized I wasn't young any more. Even so, I never worry about those things this time because they will come with marriage if you do love me and we do have a future together.
But I do worry about our differences. Even though you had two Asian fiancées, they are born and raised here. I am different. I am a Chinese Chinese. I have different values, different habits, and different standards on things. These can result misunderstandings everywhere and hurt a relationship badly. I spent a lot time thinking about these.
Yesterday I went to my daughter's first piano recital rehearsal. Her teacher wasn't happy about most kids' performance. She bluntly told some of them, "How can you play like this? It is not good, not good at all." I was surprised that she was so direct in public, but I can understand her completely. Most Chinese parents are just like her, and it is normal for us to be a picky parent. But if you were there, you would have felt very uncomfortable, or even angry. I can tell you that I am a strict parent too. I would scold my daughter hard and make her cry, ask her keep working on her homework while she is crying. I probably will ask her to get straight As from school and will be fussy at even one A-. :(
This is just one example popped up in my mind right now. Nothing significant.
Have said a lot, thought a lot, I cannot deny my feelings to you, and I will not. I don't plan to keep them in the dark forever…I will try to solve the puzzle, and hopefully I can find a good way.
You are the last person I think of when I went to sleep, and the first person I think of when I wake up…
I could hear your voice as I read your e-mail, and I miss you so much
right now, I can feel my heart pounding. I am aching so badly for you
right now...I just want to close my eyes and think of you for
awhile...
I will write more later, probably into the morning, but I wanted you
to read something from me before you went to sleep tonight...
I love you so much...I pray you can hear me whisper that to you tonight...
