I am smiling uncontrollably right now...you really amaze me. Actually,
'we' amaze me. 'We' have a lot more in common than you think, and when
I read your e-mail, it left me with a feeling that the things 'we'
have in common are the important things; The way 'we' look at life,
appreciate simple beauties, ideas, not overlooking little things...I
can go on, but I am rambling already. And still smiling.
I don't even know where to begin, only to say that you caught me on a
rare occasion that I should "tell more" about myself in writing, and
do so freely and maybe even a little too candidly. Oh, and also, I
think I'll have to split this letter up into about five parts. Maybe
more. But okay, I'll give this a shot.
(Disclaimer/Warning: This could get a little long-winded.
No...actually a LOT long-winded in all probability. Read at your own
risk.)
(Before I get to that, actually, I have to tell you that as I watched
the sunset today, I asked myself if you and I see the same things. I
wondered if you and I saw the same moon when we look up, whether a
beautiful sunset to me is a beautiful sunset wherever you were
looking...I wrote last month in my green notebook, while sitting in
the booth watching you work, "I wish we could close our eyes,
together, and see each others' visions...". That's why I am smiling so
much about what you wrote about the moon.)
Okay, on with the story.
Part One (okay, part one and a half)
I guess you could say that I remember being aware very early in life.
Honestly, I remember being home with my Mom at age two, watching
soap-opera's. I remember my first birthday cake upon turning one year
old. I remember being three years old standing in the front window for
long periods of time, waiting for my Dad to come home from work. I was
also very cool with animals at ages two and three, and remember
crawling around, interested and strangely protective of all manners of
insects. I used to pick house-flies up by their wings and take them to
the front door to let them out. Incidentally, I still prefer this
method of pest control over easier, more lethal methods. Well, with
big bugs anyway. I still hate ants. The thought never even occurred to
me that the house fly was already happy in his house environ, and
maybe sending him (actually more likely 'she') out to the open world
was, in some small way, extremely sadistic. I plead ignorance due to
age for that. Anyway, suffice to say I love animals, and I believe I
have a good relationship with them, and vice-versa. More on the animal
thing later...
(Strange sense of humor for me tonight...one of my
"wanna-be-a-comedian" nights, I guess.)
Okay, so I was a quiet, observant, and seemingly fearless three year
old, with a strange obsession for insect survival, apparently. Never
mind, the insects aren't important.
I also didn't mind being left alone. Partially because I never was
left alone for too long, but if I had been left alone, I think I would
have been alright with it. Seriously though, I have these strange
memories of sitting quietly, alone. I still can't figure out why I'd
remember being a toddler doing nothing, quietly. Nonetheless, it
became a part of my individual fabric early on. Part of my discipline
as a child was to get sent to my bedroom until my Dad got home. That
happened quite a bit through my childhood years, so I had a lot of
time to read, think, write, and devise new self destructive ways to
upset my parents so I could do it all over again. Hope that makes some
kind of sense, and yes, I am trying to be funny and serious at the
same time!
I was thinking how to tell you more about myself tonight, and all I
could think about was this strong obsession with the rhythm of things
in life. In music, in time, in sounds, in breathing...there is no day
that has passed that I don't feel, listen, or observe the rhythm and
timing of random things. (I wonder if you noticed when I would focus
on your breathing, feeling your heartbeat, or feeling the pulse in
your neck, when we were close?) Anyway, I think I have a strange
awareness of things like that, almost a heightened sensitivity. The
patterns of things in life, the rhythms, they all have their own
energy in a way, and understanding them is a special gift, I think.
Maybe that's why I love music so much...anyway, I can talk more about
that later, I guess. There's a whole metaphysical-philosophy thing to
that as well! ;)
I had better sign this off and send it, or I fear I will continue
writing until you fall asleep!
So...quid-pro-quo, tell me more about yourself. Why is that that all
of a sudden, someone who doesn't dream very often, suddenly does? I
love hearing that I am in your dreams, J...you are in mine, so maybe
the moon has been sending love from both of us.
(By the way, when I dream of you, we talk a lot as well...some other
things also, but we talk a lot. I hear your voice at night, I can
almost hear you breathing...weird?)
I better get some rest. I am thinking more and typing less now...
Wish I was holding you close,
----------------
How's everything?
>
> Your email makes me laugh.
>
> I noticed you feel my heartbeat, but I didn't know the breathe part. I
> thought it was an interesting habit though. Didn't know you are so
> interested in rhythm. :)
>
> I will tell you a little more about myself too.
>
> As I told you before, I was a frail, sensitive, shy and extremely cautious
> little girl when I was young. My great aunt kept me at home so nobody could
> bully me. Thus I had no social skills at all when I started school. But that
> was never a problem for me. I was in my own world when in elementary school
> years, spent a lot of time reading, doing crafts, and day-dreaming. I didn't
> have any close friends before Junior high.
>
> I was very good at using my hands because my great aunt had to find things
> for me to do while keeping me home. I could make dumplings just like an
> adult when I was 5 and I helped her to sew at age 5 or 6. I could sat there
> for the whole afternoon sewing with my hands. I enjoyed doing that.
>
> I couldn't go to sleep very easily. I have a cousin who is only 6 months
> younger than I am. Whenever she came to visit us, we shared a bed at night.
> She would fall to sleep right after putting her head on the pillow. I would
> listen to her breathing and feel very frustrated. Some nights when I was
> sick, I would stay up very late because I had difficulties to breath. My
> great aunt would ask me,"Are you OK?" I would say, "No, I am not. But I will
> be fine. Just go to sleep." I was always a good patient, never fussy when I
> was sick.
>
> I don't have any memory before 4 years old. My mom told me that I was very
> talkative before age 2, but I guess after I finished the task of learning to
> speak, I became very quiet. I was so shy that I hided in my room to avoid
> greeting guests.
>
> I grew up in an environment where flies, mosquitoes and rats were very
> annoying pests. There were too many of them. I would kill a fly without even
> thinking about why. I am not afraid of any insects. I only love furry
> animals though, especially the beautiful ones. I had my first puppy when I
> was 6. The first evening my great aunt took him home, he cried the whole
> night and I woke up many times worrying about him.
>
> Every cat I had was our family cat to keep the rats away. But everyone of
> them loved me more than any other of my family members. I got into a lot of
> fights against my brothers to protect the cats.
>
> This is the first time I wrote about my childhood in English. It is kind of
> strange because I rarely think in English. I never pictured myself even
> being a friend of someone other than Chinese.
>
> I don't know why I started to dream again. I also sleep less now because
> after I wake up in the morning, I start to think rather than going back to
> sleep.
>
> I have to go now. I will write you more tomorrow.
>
> Miss you.
-------------------
Things are good here...I spoke with my family about things today...I
even told my Mom about you. I've always been very honest with her,
sometimes too honest, I think. I have a lot in common with her on an
emotional level. Anyway, I still have some things to take care of up
here, and as it turns out, I should be busy here for nearly the whole
week.
Interesting side note: I went to church this morning with my family.
I've done that about twice in the last 20 years or more, not counting
weddings or funerals. I still get emotional at church, sometimes even
feeling choked up, though I think it's not me...I think I actually
feel other peoples' excitement, sadness, joy, energy, etc. I think
that's why I have a hard time being in church...it's not that I am not
interested, just that it is too draining an experience usually. I'm
actually like that at some weddings and funerals, too. Hard places to
be, sometimes.
I was raised Catholic, though not very well. By the time I needed
church discipline I was already old enough to leave the church. I
started Catechism very early, and confirmation, etc., but I didn't
always make it to church all the time. I have many clergy in my
family, though, most of them dedicating their entire lives to the
Franciscan order of Roman Catholics. Mostly my Mom's side of the
family. Actually, all my Mom's side, come to think of it. My Mom used
to faint in church when she was a girl, because of all the painful
extended standing you do in Catholic mass. The priest would tell her
she had black spots on her soul! Funny priests...anyway, she's
Christian in the more broad sense now, no more Catholicism.
I am a little worried to read that you are sleeping less, that you
spend your mornings thinking. Is it worrisome thoughts you have? I
hope not...being pensive can be mentally expensive, that's what I used
to tell myself! Really though, is everything okay? I would wish you to
wake up like I do...smiling, thinking of the one I miss the most!
(Honestly, I keep telling myself that one morning I will awake and
find you there next to me...not an easy wish, but I think a good one.)
I love reading about your childhood, and I think it is so special that
you share it with me, even in english. Actually, now that it is a
topic, I think it is also wonderful that you could find love in your
heart where you least ever expected it. I think that is how I feel
about you, that my feelings are so strong and unexpected. I have to
say I love writing to you, and I love reading your responses even
more. We have so much to share with each other, I think, and I feel I
am supposed to know you for a reason.
I wish for one moment I could be in your mind, that I understood
Chinese, so I could experience your thoughts in your voice...maybe you
could teach me...
J...I think that you and I are building a strong connection to
each other, no matter how things may turn out between us. Life is a
long and an often surprising journey, anything can happen. I have
romantic interest in you, an emotional connection, and feel very
strongly that you have awakened a feeling in me I have not felt often
in life, or should for that matter. I only hope that you don't fear
those feelings, that you won't diminish them if they feel true in your
heart as well. I miss you so much...
Time for some sleep...I think of you constantly...
Love,
PS. Please rest well, Jen. I wish you could feel my heart tonight when
I think of you...
