2006 (4)
这两年，Jerry在父亲节总会给老爸送点礼物。都是用自己的钱买的，顺手买点什么
包装一下，写上“Happy Father's Day, Dad!"。老何觉得儿子有这个心就很好了，
到不在乎礼物是什么。
近一年多来，儿子经常会突然对老爸冒出一句：“I love you, 爹爹!”，有时还上
来拥抱一下。老何一边回答“I love you too”，一边想：儿子越来越会说了，不
知是真的爱老爸，还是礼貌用语。不过听了还是很高兴。
老何曾试过儿子几次：“把你送到别人家去做儿子好吗？”。他总是说：“我哪里
也不去，就在这里。You are perfect, 爹爹”。老何想，这大概就是中国人说的
“儿不嫌母丑，狗不嫌家贫”吧。
有一天Jerry突然问：“为什么会有战争？人为什么要相互打战呢？”老何感到儿子
长大了，开始想大事了。其实这个问题他也答不好，只是说：“你长大了就会知道
为什么”。
四月的一天，Jerry跟老爸去一个超市。他去玩那种投币后，操纵钓钩去钓小玩偶的
游戏。结果花了两块钱，钓出来五个。有小熊，小猴，小狗，毛茸茸的，很可爱。
一个5，6岁的小姑娘眼巴巴地看着，老何想她肯定想要，就对儿子说：“送给她一
个吧？”。Jerry马上就拿了一个给她。其余四个他拿回家，找了一个很大塑料袋装
上。第二天带到学校，给了他的老师Mrs. G，说是给她还没有出生的baby准备的礼
物。把Mrs. G. 感动得一塌糊涂，在通讯本里写了很多好话来表示她的感谢。
五月份，Mrs. G快要生孩子了，在要离开的那个星期五，举办一个告别Party。因为
老何曾经告诉她，别让Jerry在学校随便吃正餐以外的食品，比如冰淇淋，饮料，pizza等。
大概因为party上会有pizza，头一天她在那个通讯小本上写了一句话，问老何是不
是允许Jerry参加第二天的Party。结果那天老何碰巧没有检查儿子的书包，Jerry也
忘记了要老爸签字。
第二天去接Jerry时，只见他很悲哀的样子，不停地说：“It is unfair。This is
my worst day in my life"(不公平。今天是我最糟糕的一天)。后来回家看见Mrs.
G 写在本子上的话才知道，原来因为她没有看到老何的签字，准备不让Jerry参加。
Jerry急了，就冒充老爸签字，被Mrs. G抓住。不但不让他参加Party，还让他写检
讨。所以他很sad。老何既要安慰儿子，还得说老师是对的。那天晚上，Jerry梦里
一直在哭。老何的心也一阵阵的痛。
老何想和Mrs. G谈一次的，但她已经离开。就打电话和Case Manager。说他从来就
没有不让孩子参加学校的party，根本没有必要征求他的同意。Mrs. G 完全可以打
电话给老何问的，但却没有打。当然出了事，罚他也是应该的，让他知道假冒签字
是不能容忍的错误。不过可以让他先参加party, 完了以后再用别的形式罚。Case
manager表示很理解孩子为什么那么做，完全同意老何说的，Mrs. G应该可以做得好
一点。
老何专门打电话与接任的老师说了对这件事的看法，要她如果碰上这种事务必打电
话给他，不要让类似的情况再出现。新老师表示一定会灵活处理。
还好，过了两天，Jerry便恢复了正常。
其实老何两年前第一次见新来的Mrs. G就觉得她比较死板，加上说话有点吐词不清，
曾经提出过要换老师。case manager说，你有什么意见提出来，让她改。这种感觉
的东西没法提，加上Jerry也还喜欢她就算了。人没有出现大问题，但小事上常常处
理不好。当然事情过去了就算了。
转眼之间到了六月二十日，春季学期的最后一个星期天。明天就是他的小学毕业典
礼了。
早晨8点，老何醒来多时了，迟迟没有起床，要享受一下周末睡懒觉的舒坦。儿子进
来了，对他说：“Good morning, 爹爹! Happy Father's Day!(父亲节好!)”。老
何这才想起今天是父亲节啊。儿子记得给老爸祝父亲节愉快，太让他高兴了。他高
兴地回应道：“Thank you very much!”。
儿子接着说：“爹爹!我已经给你准备好了早餐(I have cooked breakfast for you),
你现在可以起床享受你的早餐了(You can get up and enjoy the meal)”。何老爸
大喜过望，没想到儿子起了一个大早，为他做了节日早餐。感动地连声说：“Thank
you, thank you!"。他心想：“有你这份爱心，老爸我就是再苦再累也心甘情愿啊
!”。
老何赶紧穿上衣服，洗脸漱口，走下楼去。只见餐桌上有一个大盘，上面有两个煎
鸡蛋，两片烤面包，两片苹果，还有一杯牛奶，旁边放着刀叉，餐巾纸。看来还满
像那么回事的。
早晨的阳光透过百叶落地窗轻洒在餐桌上，老何第一次吃着儿子为他准备的早餐，
心里甜蜜蜜的，“儿子是自己的好啊!”
Jerry走过来，对老爸说：“Dad, I love you! You know, you are the best father
in the world”(我爱你，爹爹。你知道，你是世界上最好的父亲)。何老爸一把搂
过儿子，紧紧地抱住他，狠狠地在他的小脸上亲了一口：“I love you too, my son!”。
第二天，Jerry参加了小学毕业典礼。白衬衫，黑领带，黑裤，黑皮鞋，一副小帅哥
模样。与一百来个同学一起走上台，从校长手里接过毕业证书。然后看老师给他们
怕的幻灯片，记录他们在学校的过去的照片，每当出现一个孩子的照片，所有孩子
高喊他/她的名字。全场一片叫喊声，欢笑声。接下来是party, 大家吃甜点，聊天。
Jerry与同学们，老师们打招呼，还不忘解释自己的父母给老师们。不时地拉上同学
或老师，让老何给他们拍照留念。
老何看着儿子兴高彩烈的样子，发自内心地笑了。
(全文完)
2010年8月10日于新泽西
此连载已经编撰成电子书同名电子书，在Amazon上发表。有兴趣看全文的读者，可以点击链接：https://a.co/d/bftflfO
有人说：对自闭症孩子网开一面是对正常孩子的不公平。“ --能这么说的人非常漠视弱势群体，没有同情心，也非常无知。
Only when I became a father, I began to realize the responsbilities and difficulties in raising a child.
Best wishes to Jerry and family!
email: leweis@hotmail.com
谢谢理解与支持！
新泽西在这方面有一套很明确详细的系统。我对它的服务是很满意的。有人说新泽西自闭儿童的比例远远大与其他州，是因为这边的特殊教育系统很发达，发现自闭现象的能力要高与其他州，并不是真的比例高。
如果有居住在新泽西以外的父母有确诊的孩子，我建议搬到新泽西。如有需要进一步了解情况，欢迎和我联系。我相信何老爸也会乐与相助的。
"feelings and intentions"
1) "我是觉得你有好多方面对AUTISM的理解太狭隘了.可以再去ACADEMIC里面再看看.看看最新的关于自闭症的.这里是几个网站你可以去看看.
WWW.AUTISMSPEAKS.ORG
http://www.autism-society.org"
Austism is a spectrum of disorder, not a single one. Differences of different children are obvious. I do not think that I need to mention that. The disorder covers a range of problems. In recent years, the number of children which are diagnosed so has jumped significantly. Some researchers highly suspected that the increase is because of the criteria for diagnosis. It has become a label which covers too many kinds of behaviour problems. The thing is, it is highly possitive in the sense for getting these children their needed helps, but in the meanwhile, it may also blur some boundaries. Different children may need different treatments.
2). "That is, these children seldom go for hugging people. In fact, they actively avoid any contact with other people. Hence, the disorder is translated 自闭症, they isolate themselves from normal social contacts. "
I am talking about these classic symptoms. The point is: if a child is diagnosed as an autist and he does not have these classic symptoms, it shall be a good thing and a slight relief to the parents since there are higher hopes for the parents that the child's situation can be improved.
z13341 said: "家里有２个男孩，一个５岁半，一个４岁"。"我有很长的时间慢慢去纠正他"。When I read this, I feel rather sad for her. I am not sure when her son was diagnosed. If it was at a much earlier age, her hope is rather slim. (I should not have said this. Sorry, z13341)
3). "好多自闭症的孩子，their social incompetence就是和父母不能setting these rules clearly有关。"
When I mentioned that "setting rules for the kids", I did not mean that the parents shall discipline the child much harder (which seems that a lot of parents have interpreted in that way). What I mean is, to these autistic children, it is rather hard for them to understand other's feelings and intensions, correspondly make a judgement and have a proper response. Thus, parents, and the special social courses, have to help them learn these fundamental social rules the hard way (and the children learn these without understanding why). If as a parent, you could not tell where the boundaries are in certain typical social settings, you have lent your child in a guideless situation. Their panic reactions are sure to incure.
You guys are too defensive. I should stop explain myself now. Wish you all good luck.
尽管我不完全同意何先生的处理方式.总体来讲.他很多方面做的很好.你也许对自闭症有点了解.但是有些言论是错误的,比如说,
"好多自闭症的孩子，their social incompetence就是和父母不能setting these rules clearly有关。"
"That is, these children seldom go for hugging people. In fact, they actively avoid any contact with other people. Hence, the disorder is translated 自闭症, they isolate themselves from normal social contacts. "
我是觉得你有好多方面对AUTISM的理解太狭隘了.可以再去ACADEMIC里面再看看.看看最新的关于自闭症的.这里是几个网站你可以去看看.
WWW.AUTISMSPEAKS.ORG
http://www.autism-society.org
GOOD ＬＵＣＫ
"你认为我不应该去说老师做得不对". I did not say that. On the contrary, I think you may contact the teacher and ask her to contact you by phone when any similar situations happen in the future. But I do think it may be an over-done to judge the teacher (i.e. Mrs. G) as "inflexible", or "not good enough". She is a good teacher, and it is in fact further confirmed from your last reply that she has insisted to give you the list of all children in her class for your Jerry's party.
"我认为你不是恶意，但你不懂自闭症". I have no evil intentions at all. I am lucky that I have no autistic children and deeply sympathise with the parents who are less lucky. My interest and knowledge in autisms is purely academic.
"很多跟贴都怀疑Jerry是不是自闭症". I understand that. I myself is also curious about his case, but not doubt it (don't mis-understand me). This is because, from your descriptions, Jerry is rather clearly short of one crucial symptom for being an autistic child. That is, these children seldom go for hugging people. In fact, they actively avoid any contact with other people. Hence, the disorder is translated 自闭症, they isolate themselves from normal social contacts.
A sad truth is that some of them do not even have emotional attachment to their parents, which make many parents questioning whether they have done something wrong or simply feeling heartbroken for the lack of mutual emotions. Jerry's case is quite opposite here. He seems easily attach to people. I remember you also mentioned that his has eye contacts with you at least. These are all rather good signs. You shall be rather happy about these. One thing for sure, his case is much less severe. He has the high chance to be one of the highly functioning patient.
I wish Jerry's diagnosis was not totally based on his lack of eye contacts with the experts (you said that before). The thing is, he has to meet several criteria to be considered as an autist, given this diagnosis can be so davastating to the family (was his diagnosed as autism or Asperger syndrome or other non-specified? ). If he looked at you when he was examined, his lack of eye contacts with the experts might be explained by his lack of understanding of what these experts were trying to do with him, thus he tried to search some clues from you. However, the situation must be much complex than these. Whether autistic or not, I do think Jerry was delayed in certain development, in particular his social skills.
If you may also have some doubt about his case, I guess you can seek a second diagnosis when Jerry grows slightly older. This does not necessarily for confirming or disconfirming the first diagnosis, but rather for you to know whether he has improved or not as well.
Best luck!
从外人的眼里看，这些孩子从小就不听话，不自觉，在学校调皮捣蛋，不听讲。以为是被父母惯坏了。我今年带我家二子回国，就被不明真相的爷爷奶奶们批评了，说不待这样惯孩子的。因为他们看到的是一个小家伙在蛮不讲理，而他的妈妈在旁边不断的耐心说教，不与惩罚。
如果不是在美国，我不知道，不了解有问题，我的孩子以后也得给毁了。
不过他还小，我有很长的时间慢慢去纠正他。但切记不能以正常小孩的标准要求他。
我码这么多字是因为我私下里知道有很多我这样的父母在看帖子，但没出声。这是对他们讲的，并以此自勉。
我检查了一下自己的留言，可能是为了少打字，省略了很多虚词，以至于我的讲话显得很生硬。检讨一下。
我其实工作压力挺大，因为从事金融领域方面的开发。而家里有２个男孩，一个５岁半，一个４岁。孩子的爸爸一则工作忙，二则比较大男子。帮的忙很少。我一般都是上班的时候偷偷的在发帖，而且只在对子女教育的话题上花时间，所以打字能省则省。
总而言之，我对这个问题中心意思其实是，遇到这种＂老师party事件＂，虽然老师照章办事，但对这个问题的处理上有失妥当。作为家长一定要和老师友好沟通，减少类似事情的发生。而且应当对所有孩子通用，并不是只有自闭孩子才需要。
很多跟贴都怀疑Jerry是不是自闭症，说是老爸反应过度，我没有回答。你是我唯一表示我的意见的。你认为我不应该去说老师做得不对，因为孩子有错。我认为你不是恶意，但你不懂自闭症，你将对正常孩子的严要求与怎么对待自闭症孩子混为一谈。这不是你一个人，很多人都这么认为，所以我觉得要写出我的观点。
我女儿没有自闭症，我对她很严格，以至于她很反感我。孩子不同，处理必须不同。有些自闭症家长在外界的这种期望压力下，孩子一错，不是责骂孩子，就是自责自己。不但于事无补，还产生了反效果，结果孩子状况越来越差。
其实S女士除了最后搞诡计以外，她看起来都是有道理的。但在法律上，她就不能那样做。教育部最后并没有提她无中生强加在Jerry头上的罪名，她前面做的其他事就足够让ASCC离开学校，因为她们并没有遵从保护残疾人的法律。
一个读者看了我的文章，写悄悄话给我。她的儿子三岁多时，儿科医生告诉她，你儿子很可能是自闭症，让她去检查。结果她和邻居，一个美国妇女说起，邻居说：医生瞎说，他才有病呢！结果她听信了邻居的，没有给孩子检查。后来孩子在学校跟不上班，没有朋友，还老惹祸。她生气就老批评他。孩子10岁时，一次因为别人霸占玩具不让他玩，他一气之下说：“我要杀了你们”，学校报告了警察，还要开除他。后来她请了律师， 律师让她给孩子检查有没有智障，才发现是自闭症。学校才没有开除他，还把他纳入特殊教育，但他失去了最佳的矫正时间。妈妈也后悔当年没有听医生的。
有人说：对自闭症孩子网开一面是对正常孩子的不公平。这只能说这种人缺乏起码的同情心和对自闭症的严重不了解。
美国是一个保护弱势群体的社会，法律上，社会意识上都充分体现了。有很多读者说：Jerry这样的人如果在中国就完了。我完全同意。
看到你的反应，可以理解。1）party在学校开，不等于是公事。2）。Jerry没有参加party，是因为老何没签字。3）老师批评孩子，是因为孩子假冒大人的签名。
to: 何老爸
我只是说，there are highly functioning autists.没讲他们是正常的。只是说functions like normal. 也就是表明行为接近正常。 好多读帖的爸妈们，都讲道孩子是“轻微”的自闭，这种情况，应该是很有希望啊
何爸爸很defensive阿。 抱歉，以后不来打搅了。
全班人都在吃着PIZZA，开着PARTY，只有你的小小孩一个人被放在别的房间里，听着同学们嘻笑打闹的声音，我想任何一个家长都会感到不公的吧。
遇到这种情况，家长不去及时和老师沟通，难道指望孩子去沟通？
要不怎么有法定年龄的规定。在孩子成人之前，家长得付１００％的责任。
我想我应该回应你的comments, 不仅仅是要表达我的观点，而且对那些有自闭症孩子的家长们也会有好处。因为你的回答代表了一些人的观点。我想很多家长正是在这种观点的压力下，试着去按照让孩子最终成为一个正常的人，能够自己自立，应付任何不友好的歧视，但是发现做不到，结果不是放弃，就是自责，根本不可能还说出自己的苦恼来。这是误解。自闭症的家长们应该知道，我们的孩子99%以上不可能成为正常人，他们或多或少需要社会的支持，政府的保护，还有家长一生的呵护。
回到你的问题。这一段“The party thing, it is a private thing outside of the teacher's school duty. It might be her choice not to invite Jerry in the first place. However, it was very nice of her that she did send the invitation, maybe informal as you mentioned below (This also told us her soft side and she appreciated the toys Jerry gave her)”
老师的party,在学校教师正常上课的时间开的，不知道怎么能被你定为“private"?此其一。其二，对于老师的这个party, 她说了是想学生们再见的party。她如果单单不请Jerry,那她是什么意思？二月份Jerry生日party,我征求她的意见，请她提一个与Jerry关系好的名单，我们要邀请。她说，她不能提供部分名单。如果要邀请必须邀请全体同学，不然人家认为不平。那是Jerry的private party,在周末，学校外面的一个party专店做的。我们邀请了所有的孩子，special education, 还有正常班的孩子，一共近40人。当时想要一个单子，就是因为怕人太多，哪里地方没有那么大。后来觉得她说得对，就邀请了所有的孩子。
你的判断与论断是建立你的猜测与主管臆断之上，完全不符合事实。你的其他观点我也就不再一一回答了。我相信，读者自有他们的判断力。
1。父母和孩子的感情，正常情况下，是互相的爱。可与外人相交往，感情的付出不一定是互等的。我觉得，何爸应该到了让Jerry知到（尽管他不理解）这一social fact(It is rather common that you love someone, but this someone will not give you the expected response. On the opposite, this unwanted love may bring extra uncomfortable feelings to the person being loved. I am not sure whether this might be the cases that in the past, some people complained about Jerry's hugs). Knowing this cold but true fact, a child like Jerry 会有更多的可能学习别人对他的真实感受，并学会怎么样适度反应(behavioural responses)，今后才会减少更多的heartbroken,进而彻底对自己失去信心。
2. 孩子终于要长大，要有一天独立，这也包括自闭症的孩子。做父母的(with a child apart from being autistic, the child is intellectually rather competent), 是希望他能够functions like a normal person in the social environment, or being treated as an autistist and expecting everyone giving him or her their extra cares ? For parents with the second thought, I would not like to comment further. I am talking to the parents who at least, wish their children can grow up and be treated like everyone else, in the meanwhile fully understand that their children are disadvantaged by being autistic.
For one thing, the highly functioning autists can have good jobs, have friends and respects from others, but only if their social behaviours can be accepted by the people surrounding them. However, this acceptance is not only based on other people's sympathy and extreme tolerances, but also based on the social behaviours of these autistic people themselves. There is always a certain sort of boundary there (invisible in most of the times), no one can cross. 做父母的, must be really clear about this. In order to help their children, certain social boundaries, which we can know intuitively but they cannot, shall be clarified to them.
3. Like all teachers, the special teachers are also ordinary people. A lot of them have the jobs only for paying the bills, and they are often underpaid. As long as they are highly responsible and reliable in their jobs, that is what the society is asking for, and they are already doing very well. A teacher for children with special needs sometimes may take care of several kids. It is unrealistic to expect him or her to take care of every kid with full patience and energy like a parent does.
The party thing, it is a private thing outside of the teacher's school duty. It might be her choice not to invite Jerry in the first place. However, it was very nice of her that she did send the invitation, maybe informal as you mentioned below (This also told us her soft side and she appreciated the toys Jerry gave her). If you still insist on that she should have called you, I am afraid that the case is she might be going to regret or perhaps already deeply bothered that she had sent the invitation to your little Jerry. If the case manager did contact her about your complain, I bet she will learn or being warned by the family or friends that in the future she shall strictly separate her private life from her professional work. That is, no invitation to any other students with special needs in similar circumstances.
何老爸, you may be a little confused about the response from the case manager. One thing is, if I were her, I will be extremely cautious in replying any of your complains. Why? You have sued the district and won your case, right?(I fully agreed that you should win and they deserved what they had to face). It is simply the fact that no one like to be sued and they need their jobs. Being cautious is the best strategy.
Certainly, how to raise a child is totally up to his or her parents. Will all my due respect, forgive me if I have said something upsetting to you. All my best wishes to your Jerry and your family
谢谢你的理解。
我能理解你放弃自己的一切，为了孩子，我也有同样的经历：曾做过家庭主妇，现在为了孩子还只能干Part TIME的工作。为了孩子，换过很多次工作。每次干的得心应手，而不得不放弃时，我是很绝望的。但是，我感谢孩子，正是她的特殊，让我有了许多不同于别人的经验和感受，还让我有了自信，没有可以让我畏难的事情。
我觉得，你所做的一切努力，不会徒劳的。很期待看到你的下一个系列。
也期待不断看到Jerry进步的报道。
祝福你们全家！
真的非常感謝你的文章。
＂我知道的就有几个家庭由于有自闭的孩子而父亲受不了走了＂（五味七色
）。这个真可怕。自闭的孩子需要比正常的孩子多得多的关爱。我家的这个爸爸也很次。但看在他能经常抱着孩子打个kiss什么的份上，认为他对孩子还是有用的。
何老爸是个＂异类＂。我本人在我的生活当中没见过，小说除外。要不是我自己就是个自闭儿的母亲，能读懂何老爸的文章，我会以为又一篇华丽丽的小说诞生了。
向何老爸致个敬。
我没有说老师错，老师也可以罚，我回来也告诉他那么做是不对的。我从来不袒护孩子。
对于自闭症的孩子是不能和同样孩子那么处理的，所以普通老师很难教自闭症孩子，我们才有特殊教育。很多人不同意对自闭症孩子要处理不一样，认为是不公平。这是没有真正理解自闭症和其他有问题的孩子。她是自闭症老师，她应该知道。她的通知是非正式，写在本子上，不是打印的，也没有提前几天。而且只是头一天才写。她知道我们并不天天查的。她可以打电话，头一天，或当天。其实就是普通老师都可能打电话。这点Case manager完全同意我的观点。她就常常打电话征求我的意见，有关长期的，还是马上需要我点头的。
出了事，她可以变通一个方式罚。既让他认识到问题，又不很伤他的心。他就是太爱老师，才想参加她的party。才给她送了赢来的所有玩偶动物。他被罚过，被开除过，但没有一次那么伤心过。因为这么爱她，才这么伤心。这种事常常会导致自闭症孩子状况恶化。ASCC就是缺少爱心，动究罚他，也没有错，但问题反而越来越严重。YMCA对他比较关爱，问题反而消失了。
他们的心很善良，但很易感，很容易受伤。这也就是我为什么多年来一直观察他，试着用不同的方法去引导，才可能让他克服心理障碍，别的老师与教练没有办法让他做的学习，锻炼。
希望你能理解。
再小声说一下：Mrs，G,从你文中的描述，应该是位难得的认真负责的好老师。她死板，才说明她的可靠。你自己的疏忽，怎能怪老师没能给你打电话。：）另外，她教给jerry一个非常重要的social rule. 就是不能伪造。Jerry有自闭，学习这种social rules和别的孩子不一样，容不得模糊。惩罚是必要的。好多自闭症的孩子，their social incompetence就是和父母不能setting these rules clearly有关。
很有心的父亲！祝福你们一家人～
由于你的付出，使jerry进步快速，由于你的付出，让jerry 有个美满的家庭生活（我知道的就有几个家庭由于有自闭的孩子而父亲受不了走了）。
谢谢分享你的感受和经历。。。
祝愿jerry 快乐，健康，更有进步！
AUTISM不能算MENTAL ILLNESS是发育的问题.现在还没定论.祝愿一切顺利.
希望通过这篇文章，大家对自闭症以及所有的患有Mental illness的人多一份关注，多一些理解，多一点宽容。
也希望家里有病孩的朋友，不要悲观，配合学校，改善孩子的状况。
2008年1月底教育部回复我对学区的指控（其实是市政府）后一年多我才与少数几个朋友说，他们都鼓励我写出来，但我一直犹豫。直到一个月多前，儿子给我做父亲节早餐后才让我最后下决心写。而且从头写，不只写那场官司，而要写他。
儿子改善很多，但仍然还有问题，还需要努力。只要尽力了就没有什么遗憾的。