温哥华失眠夜
嬉笑怒骂皆成文章
谈到美国standup comedy而不谈杰里赛菲尔德（Jerry Seinfeld），就象到了纽约而没到时代广场一样。虽然直到目前为止，我还是没搞明白他那部连续播放了九年的电视剧《宋飞传》究竟红在哪里，可人家就是红了，问你服未？
这正应了一句俗语，“富贵逼人来”。当运气朝你劈头盖脸地砸下来的时候，你怎么躲也躲不掉。试问有谁可以凭一部电视连续剧创下收入过亿美元的记录？有谁可以凭讲讲笑话就被比尔盖茨看中而重金聘邀为微软做广告？
赛菲尔德做到了。
《宋飞传》是一部以纽约为背景的都市情景喜剧。它反映了现代大都市小人物的喜怒哀乐。虽然剧情平凡琐碎，居然飞入千千万万寻常百姓家，成了九十年代最受欢迎的电视剧之一。平心而论，对我这个没有啃过纽约这只大苹果的局外人来说，电视剧《老友记》要比《宋飞传》更深得我心，可那纯属个人偏好，与两剧的高下优劣无关。
诚然，每个走红的谐星，必有其独特之处。赛菲尔德多年在standup comedy圈里打滚，也时有妙语连珠，可供一笑。
这个世界上每天发生的新闻数量刚好填满了报纸的版面，真是好神奇啊！
（It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. ）
约会是什么？不就是整晚的求职面谈么？唯一的区别就是，求职面谈最后肉帛相见的机会不太多。
（What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked. ）
男人对底裤的要求跟对女人的要求是一样的：一点点支持，一点点自由度。
（Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ）
狗是世界的主宰。要是你看到两个生命体，一个拉了一泡屎，另一个为它拿着。你说是谁说了算？
（ Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. ）
根据最新研究，人的头等恐惧是公开演讲，次等恐惧是死亡。死亡退居二线。这像话吗？这就是说，如果你在一个葬礼上，躺在棺材里比在那里念悼词好受得多。
（ According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. ）
瑞士的军队很好玩。五百年里无战事。真神奇。也真走运。看过他们的武器----瑞士小军刀没有？根本算不上啥武器。葡萄酒瓶螺旋起子，啤酒瓶起子。“喂，哥们，咱们走。你先走，我后面那家伙有一把汤勺。后退！我这可是有一把指甲钳呢！”
（The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here." ）
人们为何互赠鲜花？为庆祝各种重要场合，就扼杀生灵吗？为何只限于植物呢？“甜心，咱们和好吧。给！这是一只死松鼠。”
（Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." ）
八卦杂志的读者活该受骗。
（People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to。）
我觉得，在性方面，男女之间的冲突在于男人象救火队员。对男人来说，性是紧急事件，无论我们在干什么，我们可以在两分钟内准备就绪。女人则象火。她们很热切，可是条件要恰到好处这火才生得起来。
（Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.）
男式礼服背后的理念，反映了女人的观点，即天下男人一般黑；所以我们不如也就穿得一般黑。因此，婚礼就象一位容光焕发的新娘子和一群男人的结合。男式礼服是女人发明的一项安全装置，因为她们知道男人靠不住。所以，一旦新郎倌吓跑了，大家向前迈一步，她就跟下一位结婚。
（ The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy. ）
一个谐星的思路有别于常人。因此，一个谐星的收入也就有别于常人。
生子当如赛菲尔德。
