我与我尊敬的比利时朋友的通信Fri 07/04/2006 19:04

Fri 07/04/2006 19:04

Hello Peter,

 

I am sorry to reply you till now.  In these months, a short story happened, which disturbed my mind for a while. Now I return to the normal state.

 

In the last few years I experienced a couple of times of self-realization. I saw the ceiling of my view. I tore away it with bitterness and happiness. I was sorry that I had lived under a low ceiling for such a long time. I was happy that I could see more. This state did not last long. Shortly later I saw another ceiling, another and another. It seems that there is no end. One night when I ran over my life like a video cassette again and again in a half dreaming state, I suddenly realized that I skipped over certain parts automatically almost throughout my life. I was surprise that I had never really accepted myself. I did not accept my looks, my nature, my evil side etc. I avoided them, and was eventually blind to them. I tried hard to meet this and that standards, running exhaustedly towards the perfect image of myself. At that moment,  a strong feeling arose to my chest. I confessed to myself: I am very sorry I was not gentle and affectionate to you.

 

You are right. Understanding things intellectually does not help. Something tricky is that I cannot tell my understanding is real till I can really understand. So I am not too optimistic this time. As you said, how I live has the final words.

 

As to my research, I am certainly doing better than last time. But it is still not easy. The Good thing is that I learned quite a lot on the way. My education I had in Huagong (especially in primary and high school) is really rubbish, dogmatic and rigid. It divided my brain into many rigid theoretical cells. I make big effort to open the walls of cells. Thinking abstractly and mathematically is a new tool for me to look at the world. It is not easy to cultivate at my age with my rigid brain. After more than four year struggle, only recently I have some feeling of this art. It is beautiful. It also provides me one new tool to see architecture. To be really skilful in this area, there is long way ahead. I expect to get my PhD in the early of 2008. Long time, eh? Fortunately, my salary is ok, 1000£ tax free.

 

I don't have any particular plan, but I have a sense of direction. I feel that architecture is still my true interest. I attended evening art classes regularly in Edinburgh Art College since last year. I also attended dance classes. All these refreshed my feeling of architecture. You see, I am dancing around my subject. At appropriate time, I want to travel around the world. In this way I hope that one day I can cook out something meaningful. If not, I enjoy the process. The direction gives the purpose of my life.

 

What is your direction? I would be happy to know.

 

Warm regards,

Zi