Feelings,strangefeelings.Nowaytogo.[
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It'sbeenawhilenotwritinganything.Busy,onemainreason.Triedtoberelax.Triednotaskingtoomuch,orevennotaskingatall.Triedtopullmyselftogether,andmoveon.Triednottalking.Itseemsitworked.Thingsstartedtobounceback.IhavespentmoretimeandenergytofocusonwhatIneedtodo,notwhatIwanttodo.Thingsstartedtogetdone.
Wenttoourgroupactivity.Talkingabouthowtoimprovetherelationship.ImemtionedthatIwaswilllingtospendsomet...[
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Deathandlifeinthepowerofyourtongue.FromBible.Whyalltheseneverbeendigestedbyhumanbeing?Sameorsimilarproverb.LiketheSunandtheMoon,liketheworld,fromonegenerationtonext,repeatitself.Andyet,wedonotunderstandit,nottakeit,untilwefall,
Letmefall.letmefall,...whosesong?Thatyoungkid.Yes,Idonotrememberhisname,youngwithun-matchingvoice.Languageisalwayslikeonelayeroffilter,madeyouawayfromwhoyouare,whatyouf...[
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Today,listenedtoJamesBlunt's'You'rebeautiful'and'GoodbyeMylove'again.Stillcannothelpcrying.Whatmakshissongsotouchingtome?What?Iaskedmyself.Yes,maybeitisthatconflicts:Iloveyou,Iswearthat'strue...Goodbyemylover.Love,butcannotgetit.You'rebeautiful,itistrue,you'rebeautiful.butIwillneverbewithyou.Let'sfacethetruth...Ihavegottheplan.IwatchedMTV.Hejumpedtoariver,suicide!Ithitmehardinside.[
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Afterallthesedays,upanddown,workandhome,Ihit,onceagain,thebottom,andstartedtoup.Alotofenergyneededtokeepthespiritup,butIamtrying.Don'twanttogiveupyet.[
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Morethanoncetotellmyself.Icannotbebeaten.Ihavemydaughter,sheneedsmeandIhaveresponsibilitytoraiseher.AndIloveher,andshelovesme.
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Therewillbetomorrow.Ineedtothink,think,think.WhatamIgoingtodowithmytomorrow???[
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Afewdaysago,wacthed'EverybodyLovesRaymond'.Oneclipclickedme.Raymond'smomcomplainedshelivedinalovelessmarriage.Hisdadwassoupsetandbrokehernewglasses.Momwas,then,thinkinghelovedher,evenheignoredhercomments,ignoredherfeelings,ignoredherall,buthelovedherbecausehisreactionoverherlovelessmarriage.Ifeltthatissowomenishthinking.Lookslikeyouhavetoreceivesuchreactionstoprovetheloveyoudreamed.Icanseemyselfin...[
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Livedhereformorethanadecade.Stillgoingbackandlookingthroughallthedustofmymemories.Memoriesabouthim,aboutthetimeIwaslosinghim,aboutthesadfeelingseverytimeIlookedathimandknewIwouldbeleaving,losingcontact,nevercouldcomeback.Holdinghisheadwhenhewasasleep,knowingtherewouldbenochancetoholdhimanymore....HowIcouldholdmydecisiontocometoNorthAmerica?Howstrongatthattime?ormaybejustnumbed.Love,finallylostinmy...[
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