北美愚医

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活在别人的评价当中,心累

(2018-03-02 11:32:38) 下一个

人类,应该是接受群体的生存和生活方式。即使是在北极或极其偏远地区,也存在着一定的人间互动。既然有互动,就存在着诸如形象,印象,仪表,礼节,表达方式,做人方式等等被别人观察到,或被别人揣测到,或被别人评论到的空间。于是,怎么"做人",就成为一个永远说不完的话题。大家共知的,不同的国家,地域,民族,语言,有着不同的做人准则。我们没法控制别人怎么看我们,可是又很在乎别人怎么看我们,于是内心就产生了矛盾、纠结。

撇开那些公共道德的东西,比如吵闹,不修边幅,不讲卫生,不守时间和约定,不遵守规则等等,这是我们应该做好的基本准则(不是做给别人看的)。我想分析的是那些从内心发出的不安全感:万事都很在乎别人的评价。比如:请人来吃饭,食物很合乎口味,气氛也很融洽,客主都很满意。突然想起来某一家的歺具真是配套和漂亮,心里就有点虚,对客人多说了一句:我们的东西不成体统,招待不得体?休息了一阵,感到要做一点事情,于是,把家里清洁了一下。本来可以自我满足,放松一下。又怕人家评价不足,又多加了一句:我累死了,所以东西都是我包下的。见到熟人,不经意的被忽略了一下,心里就会想:我做了什么对不起她/他的事了?

还有类似的在工作,考试,亲友和同事之间的事情…

著名作家和心理学医师毕淑敏写到:不要总想表现得比实际情况要好。表面上好象是追求完美自己,其实内心深处(潜意识里)是很在意别人的评价。

爱你自己,也会爱上别人。反过来,当你看不起自己时 (潜意识对自己没有安全感),你也看不起別人,也很在意别人看不看得起你。

这种心理疙瘩,有先天性的,也有后天的。后者也许生长在一个长期被否定的环境之中(来自父母,朋友,或者老师的不断的负面评价等等)。长大后逐渐变得很敏感,往往别人不在意的一言一行,就起疑心,对号入座。甚至把别人的粗心(来不及称赞)当成了否定。可惜的是,这种负面的心理,并没有转化成为正能量,反而被拖得精疲力竭。

自己要对得起自己,忠实的善待自己,请不要活在别人的评价当中,因为上帝永远爱你。

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评论
北美愚医 回复 悄悄话 回复 'Yangtsz' 的评论 : 有一定道理。
Yangtsz 回复 悄悄话 其实对别人评价的介意是父母老师社会不断教育强化的。一个不在意外界反馈评价的孩子和成人都很难管理。
北美愚医 回复 悄悄话 回复 'MoatCity' 的评论 : You really enriched this topic of discussion. Thanks.
MoatCity 回复 悄悄话 It is an insightful episode, the professor divided the self-esteem into three levels, and the highest level would be "independent self-esteem". Here is what he said:
Happiness, levels of happiness, are higher when you experience a sense of independent self-esteem. We are much calmer when we don't constantly have to prove ourselves to others. It is enervating to constantly on guard: is this person going to like me? How do I gain their validation. We are much calmer when we say: let me express myself, AND yes it may hurt me, if they don't like me, that is OK, I am resilient, I'm strong, I can deal. We'll have much calmer sense of being when we express rather than constantly to impress. Imagine how much lighter our lives can be, if, when we are here, or when we walk out of here, we experience the sense of being, more and more of the time, again, that is not perfectly, because that's not human, but more and more of the time to just be, to exist, to celebrate our existence and the existence as a whole.

How I wish, I myself, can reach to that level of self-esteem. Most of us would lead a torturous life, simply because we care too much what other people think about us, and how we derive our own self value and self worth by pleasing others, both at home and at work place.
北美愚医 回复 悄悄话 回复 'MoatCity' 的评论 : thanks for the resource.
北美愚医 回复 悄悄话 回复 '云之岚' 的评论 : wise statement.
北美愚医 回复 悄悄话 回复 'MoatCity' 的评论 : Great advise.
MoatCity 回复 悄悄话 "To be known, not to be validated; to express, not to impress" - easy to say, hard to achieve.
云之岚 回复 悄悄话 淡定从容,胸怀坦荡,真诚豁达,心底无私。。不是每个人都能做到的,于是就会很在乎他人的评价,评价还只能是好的,否则就是负面情绪,真是活受罪:)
MoatCity 回复 悄悄话 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5INQ7RiG-f8&list=PL28D16304BA57DD7E&index=27

When your self-esteem reached a certain level, you would be living a life out of your own expectation.
llm555 回复 悄悄话 有道理。
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