9 青中年 Middle Age

目录 Catalog：9.0 序言 Preface；9.1 拓疆房地产公司 TJ Real Estate Ltd；9.2 岩土顾问公司 Soil Engineers Ltd；9.3 黑社会帮我 Mafia Helps Me；9.4 我抑郁了 I'm Depressed；9.5 桫椤给我改性格 Sal Changes my Personality；9.6 迷惑 Muddles；9.7 社会环境 Social Environment； 9.8 把工程作坏 Job Rip；9.9 觉思失调 Schizophrenia

9.0 序言 Preface

1998年4月，我东北大学硕士毕业了，也失业了。我担心刘团长在背后坏我，到新的工作单位后找不到女朋友，就不愿意去国家机关，学校等国营的企事业单位，认为在私人企业他很难使坏。我喜欢搞房地产，可我是色盲，不愿意练习计算机绘图，使我找工作遇到了困难。我在家里，平时上个英语口语学习班，也参加了GRE的学习班，但我发现GRE对我太难了，学不了。

In April 1998, I graduated with a master's degree from Northeastern University and became unemployed. I was worried that Liu was doing something bad to me behind my back and that I would not be able to find a girlfriend at my new workplace. So, I was unwilling to work in state-owned enterprises and institutions such as government agencies and schools, thinking that it would be difficult for him to do something bad in private enterprises. I like real estate, but I am color blind and unwilling to practice computer graphics, which made it difficult for me to find a job. At home, I usually took an English-speaking class and participated in a GRE class, but I found that GRE was too difficult for me, and I could not learn it.

 

9.1 拓疆房地产公司TJ Real Estate Ltd

1999年春，辽宁拓疆房地产公司的董事长，刘总找到了我，说他们在沈阳人才市场发现了我的个人简历，让我做这个公司的经理。工作中，刘总让自己找项目，自己做方案，计划成熟了再向他汇报。刘总是1960、70年代在沈阳军区大院里长大的；我接触的人也多是沈阳军区的高干子女。同事们开始给我介绍女朋友了；我把以前的不开心事全忘了。

刘总是会计出身，没什么复杂的经历，可他写了回忆录，而且准备出版（注1）。

我常常对我的工作中弄虚作假的事而烦恼，而且因为工作中所做的亏心事，常常感到恐惧。我申请了移民加拿大，决定如果我在这里工作得不好，就到国外去开辟新天地。

注9.1，刘总写回忆录的行为对我的影响很大。我写回忆录就是因为他的熏染。

In the spring of 1999, Mr. Liu, the chairman of Liaoning Tuo’jiang Real Estate Company, found me and said that they found my resume in the Shenyang Human Resource Market and asked me to be the manager of the company. At work, Mr. Liu asked me to find projects and make plans by myself, to report to him when the plans were mature. Mr. Liu grew up in the compound of the Shenyang Military Region in the 1960s and 1970s; most of the people I met were children of high-ranking officials in the Shenyang Military Region. My colleagues began to introduce girlfriends to me; I forgot all the unhappy affairs in the past.

Mr. Liu was an accountant by profession and had no complicated experience, but he wrote a memoir and was preparing to publish it (note 1).

I was often troubled by the fraud in my work, and I was often afraid because of the bad things I did at work. I applied to immigrate to Canada and decided that if I couldn't work well here, I would go abroad to open a new world.

Note 9.1, Mr. Liu's act of writing a memoir had a great influence on me. I wrote my memoir because of his influence.

 

9.2 岩土工程师公司 Soil Engineers Ltd

2001年4月，我移民到了加拿大的多伦多，一边学英语，一边在肯德基打工。不久后，我结婚了，开始了新的生活。2002年3月，一家岩土工程师有限公司找到了我，作工程质量检测的技术员。面试我的人说是在人才交流中心发现了我找工作的简历。

我上班没多久，就有同事们议论我说，我在中国是个大家族的孩子，和父亲吵架，就自己跑到加拿大了；我父亲委托这家公司的所有者Victor，帮我安排了这份工作。有人对我说：加拿大可不是你这种人该来的地方，你该明白了，回去吧！或者说，你什么时候回国呀！？我对这说法没什么感觉，就认为是他们搞错人了。

In April 2001, I immigrated to Toronto, Canada, and worked at KFC while learning English. Shortly afterward, I got married and started a new life. In March 2002, I was approached by Soil Engineers Ltd, a geotechnical engineering company, to work as an engineering quality inspection technician. The person who interviewed me said that he had found my resume in a job exchange center looking for a job.

I hadn't been at work for long when some of my coworkers were talking about me saying that I was a child of a big family in China, and that I had run away to Canada on my own after a fight with my father; that my father had commissioned Victor, the owner of this company, to help me arrange this job. Someone said to me: Canada is not a place for people like you, it's time for you to realize that and go back! Or when are you going back to your country! I didn't feel anything about this statement and assumed that they had the wrong person.

9.2-2 谣言 Rumors

同事刘加力（Garry Liu），是一位来自台湾的工程师，几次跟我说父子吵架不应该这样。我回答，在大陆，我只是个普通农民家的孩子。

一次，刘加力对我生气了，指责我不给爸爸打电话，还说：“你爸给你找工作，就表示他已经后悔了。怎么地？你还想让你爸给你道歉呐！那工作给你找的，你满意不满意的可不是问题所在。你爸他一个大陆人，在加拿大办事能有多大能量！怎么就这点事儿，我就跟你说不明白呢！”

My colleague Garry Liu, an engineer from Taiwan, told me several times that father-son quarrels should not be like this. I replied that in mainland China, I am just a child of an ordinary farmer's family.

Once, Garry CC. Liu got angry with me, accusing me of not calling my dad and saying, "The fact that your dad got you a job means that he already regrets it. What's wrong with that? You still want your dad to apologize to you! The job is for you, whether you are satisfied or not is not the issue. Your dad is a mainlander, he can't do much in Canada! That's the only thing I can't get through to you!"

我开始明白了，这是刘团长指使人在背后制造的谣言，对他说： “我回家就给他打电话。”

事后我想，这老头子终于后悔了。可让我难受的是，刘团长知道我喜欢刘健君，是因为不喜欢他，所以我不愿意和刘健君交往。老头子心里明白，他得多难过！

I began to understand that this was a rumor created behind the scenes by Troupe Leader Liu's instructions, and said to him, “I'll call him when I get home.”

Afterwards I thought, this old man finally regretted it. But what makes me feel bad is that Troupe Leader Liu knows that I like his daughter Eve Liu, because I don't like him, so I don't want to go out with Eve Liu. The old man understood in his heart; how sad he had to be!

9.2-3 窃听 Eavesdropping

一次，公司在每个员工工资支票的信封里放了一个通知，说有人监听我们公司技术人员的电话，让所有的员工不要使用公司的电话作为媒体来交流测量数据和商谈质量评定。随后经理在公司开会时说，我们也琢磨不出为什么有人监听我们技术人员的电话，但是总公司发现了这个问题。

当时，对此我没在意。后来，我怀疑我家的电话被窃听了。电话的声音小，声音不清晰，像似被串联了许多电话。我更换了电话公司。开始还好，可不久后，电话的音质又变差了。随后十来年，这一问题都纠缠着我。我没办法，只是心里想，“我没有秘密，让你们听去吧”。可是，我总感觉个人隐私被泄露了；这事对我觉思失调症（Schizophrenia）的形成和爆发有很大的作用。

At one point, the company put a notice in the envelope of each employee's paycheck saying that someone was listening in on our company's technicians' phone calls and that all employees should refrain from using the company's phones as a medium for exchanging measurement data and negotiating quality ratings. The manager then said at a company meeting that we couldn't figure out why someone was tapping our technicians' phones, but the home office found out about it.

At the time, this didn't bother me. Later, I suspected that my home phone was tapped. The phone's voice was small and unclear, like it was strung up for many calls. I changed phone companies. It was fine at first, but soon after, the sound quality of the phone got worse again. This problem haunted me for the next ten years or so. I had no choice but to think to myself, “I have no secrets, let you hear them”. However, I always felt that my privacy had been compromised; this played a big role in the development and outbreak of my Schizophrenia.

9.2-4 糊涂的争吵 Confused Argument

一天在Mclaughlin Rd crossing Derry Rd 西北角的工地，忽然工地的经理和另外几个人怒气冲冲地来和我吵架，指责几件我不知道的事。开始时，他们说我撒谎，还是很生气。后来，他们看我的表情是既没生气也没笑，是在认真地分析他们所说的事。他们几个相互质疑说：“咱们是在和谁打架呢！？他们相互商量，结论是都是从XXX地方，那两个中国人那里听来的，他们在骗我们。”几个人愤愤地离开了。

注9.2-4，这种挑唆别人和我打架来改善我性格的作法，道理上和5.2节，9.3节，以及9.5节桫椤的作法相同。

One day at the site on the NW corner of Mclaughlin Rd and Derry Rd, suddenly the site manager and a couple of other guys came in angry and argued with me, accusing me of a couple of things I didn't know. At first, they said I was lying and still angry. Later, they looked at me with an expression of neither anger nor laughter and were seriously analyzing what they were saying. Several of them questioned each other and said: who we are fighting with! They discussed with each other and concluded that they had heard it all from XXX place, from those two Chinese, and that they were lying to us. They left angrily.

Note 9.2-4: This method of improving my personality by instigating others to fight with me is essentially the same as in Sections 5.2, 9.3, and 9.5.

 

9.3 黑手党帮我打架 Mafia Fight for Me

2003年夏，我在Mavis Rd and Steels Rd工地工作。这是一个很大的工程，开发区里在开发学校，商场，公园，和千余栋房子。工程前期施工承包商是TACC，是加拿大一个很大的私人施工企业。

一天下午，快要下班的时间，几个50左右岁，自称是工会的，有白头发的意大利人来到工地，还故意露出他们的手枪，说：“你们这个工地的人有种族歧视，对卢岩没礼貌。下班后，除了卢岩，别人谁也不准离开。” 当晚，那几个意大利人就跟工地上所有其他人一个一个地谈话，了解情况。

In the summer of 2003, I worked at the Mavis Rd crossing Steels Rd site. It was a large project, with a school, a shopping mall, two parks, and thousands of houses being developed. The pre-construction contractor was TACC, a large private construction company in Canada.

One afternoon, near the end of the shift, several Italians in their fifties, claiming to be from the union, with gray hair, came to the site and deliberately showed their pistols, saying, "You people at this site are racist and rude to Luyan. After work, no one else is allowed to leave except Luyan." That evening, those Italians talked to all the other people on the construction site one by one to find out what was going on.

第二天，工地的人们问我：“怎么回事啊？你有什么意见不能直接说？你找那帮人！他们就是电影电视里拿机关枪的那帮人。这可不是在开玩笑，会出人命的。” 当然，我是真不知道发生了什么事。

两个星期后，那群带着枪的意大利人又来了，说：我们警告过你们，你们对卢岩没礼貌，你们不听。” 他们和一个工人吵起来了，推倒了那个工人，用枪把打了几下，还说：“把他送医院去，住院三天。” 事后，工地经理Bob和一些人找到我，问是怎么回事，让我好好想想是不是跟谁抱怨过他们的不是。我真的从来没抱怨过。Bob说：“你再好好想想，什么时候想起了什么，就告诉我。这次那帮人是给我们个警告，没真打人。那个工人伤得不重，但是我们已经跟医院的人说好了，让他住院一个星期。那帮人是靠面子吃饭的，若是他们的面子在咱这儿丢了，咱们可赔不起！”

The next day, people at the site asked me, "What's going on? What is your opinion? You can say it directly, should not look for those guys. They are the ones with the machine guns in the movies and TV. It's not a joke; people can get killed." Of course, I really didn't know what was going on.

Two weeks later, the group of Italians with guns came back and said, "We warned you that you were rude to Luyan, and you didn't listen." They got into a fight with one of the workers, pushed the worker down, hit him a few strokes with the gun handle, and said, "Take him to the hospital and hospitalize him for three days." Afterward, Bob, the site manager, and some of the guys approached me, asked what was going on and asked me to think about whether I had complained to anyone about what they weren't doing. I never complained to anyone. Bob said, "Think about it again, and let me know when you remember anything. They gave us a warning this time, they didn't really hit anyone. The worker wasn't badly hurt, but we've talked to the hospital people to keep him in for a week. Those guys eat by face, if they lose face here, we can't afford to pay for it!"

9.3-2

工地中有很多不同的工种，人员的流动很大，许多人我都分不清谁是干什么的，谁是新来的。有人在谈这件奇怪的事，我就去听了。

他们问我：“是你老板干的？”

我回答：“不可能！我们公司的实力不如你们公司的百分之一。你们老板还有许多亲戚有自己的大企业；谁敢惹你们公司！”

There were a lot of different types of work on the site, and there was a lot of turnovers of people, many of whom I couldn't tell who was doing what and who was new. Someone was talking about this strange affair, and I went to listen.

They asked me, "Did your boss do it?"

I replied, "No way! Our company is not as strong as one percent of your company. Your boss has many other relatives with big businesses of their own, who would dare mess with your company!"

他们当中有人说：“是这么回事！那帮人是谁给他们钱就给谁干活。这事肯定是人干的，而且那个人肯定和你有关系，是你爸爸？”

我回答：“我连个房子都买不起。我爸爸哪里有钱，干这种事。”

他们当中有人说：“有人认为人生幸福不幸福不在于有多少钱，而在于性格。有钱人跟咱穷人想的不一样，就有人认为找人帮着打架对改善性格有帮助（注2）。你再想想，是不是你的哪个亲戚干的？现在咱这里还没出什么事，没什么关系。”

他们帮我回忆了所有亲戚，我都回答：“他们既没钱，又没这知识，也没这能力。”

注9.3-2，这说法，前文5.2节《在集市打架》中的那个前女友她爸爸说过。

One of them said, "That's how it is! Those guys work for whoever pays them. Someone must have done this, and that someone must be related to you, is it your father?"

I replied, "I can't even afford a house. Where would my father get the money to do such a thing."

One of them said, "Some people think that happiness in life does not depend on how much money you have, but on your personality. Rich people don't think the same way as we poor people do, so there are people who think that getting help in a fight will help improve personality (Annotation 2). Think again. Is it one of your relatives who did it? Nothing has happened to us here yet; it doesn’t matter yet!"

They helped me recall all my relatives, and I replied, "They have neither the money, nor the knowledge, nor the ability."

Annotation 9.3-2, this same statement was made by her father, the ex-girlfriend in the previous section 5.2, "Fighting at the Fair".

9.3-3

过了几天，工地经理Bob找我谈话。他说，前些日子他从外面找来两伙儿明白人，对前些天发生的奇怪事进行了调查，都跟我卢岩谈过几次。前天下雨的时候，我卢岩不在工地，他们全体员工和外来的两伙儿明白人一起开了个会。会议中，全体员工一起对那件奇怪的事举手表决，全数通过决议。我卢岩也是工地的一员，应该服从决议，合作：

1. 他们决定不报警，自己处理。原因是，如果报警，这个工地肯定就被关闭，调查耗时至少两个月，结果什么也查不出来。这两个月所有工人就没活干，待在家里。但是，黑社会那帮人的事儿没办成，还把面子丢了，那我们这里就有可能有人被打死。

After a few days, Bob, the site manager, approached me to talk. He said that some days ago he got two groups of wise people from outside to investigate the strange affairs that happened some days ago, and all of them talked to me, Luyan, several times. When it was raining the day before yesterday, I, Luyan, was not at the construction site, and all their employees and the two groups of wise people from outside had a meeting together. In the meeting, all the employees together on that strange affair by a show of hands, all through the resolution. I, Luyan, am also a member of the construction site and should obey the resolution and cooperate:

1. They decided not to call the police and deal with it themselves. The reason was that if the police were called, the site would surely be closed, the investigation would take at least two months, and nothing would be found out as a result. During these two months, all the workers would have no work to do and would stay at home. However, if the Italian mafia fails to get anything done and loses face, then there is a possibility that some of us may be killed.

2. 黑社会那帮人想办什么事呢？你们新移民的境况，我们都很清楚，以前在自己国家都混得不错，结果来这里干这些没人愿意干，辛苦还不挣多少钱的工作。你们生活得不开心，满腹牢骚。就有一个你的有钱亲戚知道了你的情况，难受了，所以咱们的工地就出现这件怪事了。前几天，那两伙明白人在调查你的时候，跟你说过：有人认为，人生的前途和幸福取决于性格，而找黑社会帮着打架能改善性格。虽然这作法也有很多不好的影响，但就有人认为利大于弊，就有人迷信这事。这种说法虽然是我们意大利人的，而你那个有钱的亲戚是中国人。在会上，我们全体100多人一致认同：你们中国人也应该是这么认为的，全世界的人都一样。

2. What did those Italian mafia want to accomplish? We know very well the situation of you new immigrants. You used to be doing well in your own country, but now you come here to do these jobs that no one wants to do, and you work hard and don't earn much money. You are unhappy and full of complaints. Just one of your rich relatives knows about your situation and has a tough time with it, so we have this weird thing going on at our construction site. A few days ago, when those two groups of wise people who were investigating you, they told you that some people believe that the future and happiness of life depends on personality, and that finding triads to help fight can improve personality. Although this practice has many harmful effects, there are those who believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, and there are those who are superstitious about it. Although we Italians have this belief, and your rich relative is a Chinese. At the meeting, all of us agreed: you Chinese should think the same way, and so should the rest of the world.

3. 那因为这事，我们可不能跟你打架呀！这事说大就大，早就已经触犯刑法了，还可能出人命；说是小事，就是小事，人家还真没让我们做多为难的事。我们决定就按他们的意思做，那两伙儿明白人都告诉我们怎么做了。我跟你商量，要求你配合我们。从现在起，你就是这个工地的老大 ，你走路时要挺直身体，说话办事要硬，要横，说一不二。我们所有人都已经安排好了，都配合你。

3. We can't fight with you because of this! This is a big matter, it has already violated the criminal law, and people may be killed; but saying it is a small matter, then it is a small matter, and they have not really asked us to do anything difficult. We decided to do what they wanted; the two groups of wise people have told us how to do. I am talking to you and asking you to cooperate with us. From now on, you are the boss of this construction site, you must walk with a straight body, talk, and act hard, be gross, and say one thing but not another. All of us have decided to cooperate with you.

和Bob谈话后，工地里的人们都开始训练我。早上见面一定要站直了，相互打招呼，而且声音要大，要霸气，等。有时候，我没注意，就可能被对方提醒说，“站直了，大点儿声，有人在看，你别看（他们）！” 开始时，我还向工地外看，说，“那不是个中东人么！” “哎呀，还中东人！我们在这里土生土长几十年了，都分别不出谁是干什么的；你来加拿大两年半，就能看出谁是黑社会的！在多伦多谁都不知道谁是干什么的。人家要是发现我们在演戏，那再教训教训我们，会死人的！”

工地的人都很认真，很害怕，我也随着害怕了，变得认真起来了。

After talking to Bob, people in the construction site started to train me. When we meet in the morning, we must stand up straight, greet each other, and be loud, bossy, etc. Sometimes, when I wasn't paying attention, I could be reminded by the other person, "Stand up straight, speak up, someone's watching, don't look at (them)!" At first, I would look out at the construction site and say, "Isn't that a Middle Eastern guy!" "Oh, a Middle Easterner! We have been here for decades, and we can't tell who's doing what; you come to Canada for two and a half years and you can tell who's in the triads! In Toronto nobody knows who does what. If they find out we're acting, then teach us another lesson, it'll kill us!"

The people at the construction site were serious and scared, and I became serious with the fear.

9.3-4

几天之后，我想出来了，这事是刘健君她爸刘团长干的，很感动，心想，“老头子老了，终于后悔他对我做过的事了，要弥补。可是你要帮我，就帮我买座房子呗！整点儿钱都捐给黑社会了！”

这件黑手党帮我打架的事持续了一个多月。

注9.3.4, 这两伙儿明白人给出的对策正确吗？答：正确！刘团长就喜欢这个；这行为代表着最胜真如，参见16.2节《离垢地》和5.3节《威仪路》。

A few days later, I figured out that this is done by Eve Liu’s father, Troup Leader Liu, very moved, thinking, "The old man is old, finally regret what he did to me to make amends. But if you want to help me, just buy me a house! The whole bit of money goes to the mafia!"

This mafia helped me fight for over a month.

Annotation 9.3.4, Is the response given by the two group of wise people, correct? Answer: Correct! Troupe Leader Liu likes this; this behavior represents the Most Victorious True suchness, see Section 16.2 “Heartland of Leave Filth,” and Section 5.3 “Majesty Path”.

 

9.4 我抑郁了 I was Depressed

2003年9月的一天，一个工地，同事刘加力（Garry Liu）气冲冲地来找我，说： “我又听说你不给你爸爸打电话。你爸爸委托你的邻居和朋友劝你，你谁的话也不听。” 我愣住了，明白过来后，问：“是谁让你来劝我？”

刘加力（Garry Liu）愣住了，知道自己是突然说了这个话题，回答说：“谁也没让我来劝你。前天我去世嘉堡 (Scarborough)开会，休息时，有人故意在我后面说你的事。这不是他们知道我和你的关系不错，又和我不熟，就故意这么做，让我来劝你么！这事咱们全公司的人都知道了，结果我跟你连这点事都说不明白，那我是啥人呐！我还怎么做人呐！你还知道，你爸爸的身体不好，说不定哪天就咽气了。你怎么就感受不到他老人家的那片心呢！我跟你说，等他死了，你肯定后悔，到那时，你肠子悔青了也没用！我还听说你爸爸知道你在加拿大生活得不开心，想尽办法来帮你，可是你就是不接受！这爹跟儿子打架，儿子生气到你这种程度的，我长这么大，就从来没听说过！”

One day in September 2003, at a construction site, my colleague Garry.CC. Liu came to me angrily, said, "I heard again that you don't call your dad. Your dad entrusts your neighbors and friends to persuade you, and you don't listen to anyone.” I was stunned, and after understanding it, I asked, "Who asked you to persuade me?"

Garry Liu was stunned, knowing that he suddenly mentioned this topic, and replied: "No one asked me to persuade you. I went to Scarborough for a meeting the day before yesterday. During the break, someone deliberately talked about you behind me. Isn’t this because they know that I have a good relationship with you and they are not familiar with me, so they did this deliberately to asked me to persuade you! Everyone in our company knows about this, but I can’t even explain this to you, so who am I? How can I be a human being! You also know that your father's health is bad, and he might die at anytime. Why can't you feel the old man's heart? Let me tell you, when he dies, you will regret. By then, it will be useless even if you regretted your intestines into blue! I also heard that your father knew that you were unhappy living in Canada and tried his best to help you, but you just refused to accept him! A father fights with his son, and the son is as angry as you are. I have never heard of it in my whole life! "

刘加力和我一样，都是老实人，生气脸就红。这时，他激动得像是要哭了似的。我赶紧说：“我知道了，回家就给他打电话。过一段时间，回去看他。”

他走了，一会儿又回来了，说：“他们没说你爸爸病危，你回家的事可能也用不着那么着急。我看你脸色不好，像是病了。我已经跟工地的经理说了，你把这里的工作交给我。今天，你早点回去，好好休息休息！”

Garry like me, is an honest person, and his face turns red when he is angry. At this time, he was so excited that he seemed to cry. I hurriedly said, "I know, I'll call him when I get home. After some time, I go back to see him.”

He left and came back after a while and said, "They didn't say that your father was critically ill, so you probably didn't need to be in such a hurry to get home. I see that you don't look good, as if you are sick. I have already told the manager of the construction site. Now, leave the work here to me. Today, you go back early and have a good rest!"

9.4-2

回家的路上，我把车开到一个空停车场，然后放声大哭。这时，我虽是怀疑，但认为我以前在和平房产局（参见第6章）和在拓疆房地产公司（参见9.1节）工作时，背后有刘团长的帮助。我出国后，没有了他的帮助，两年多了，连个正经的工作都找不着。我回国去看望他，说什么呀！？没脸去见他！我又想：这是刘健君到现在还没找着对象，还结婚后又离婚了！？老头子又想起我来了，又闹心了！可是我已经结婚了，还能怎么办！我失声哭过后，全身舒服了，忽然想，“老头子这是又玩什么花样？你不是要用 “死不瞑目” 诅咒我么，一辈子不能和我见面吗?”

注9.4-2，就在这时，“死不瞑目”（参见2.4节《刘团长对桃花劫的讲解》）这个诅咒从我的无意识跳到了意识。我感觉刘团长是在诅咒我，但我并没有回忆出什么证据，只是隐约地感觉我在第6章《和平房产局》时，也是他在背后帮助我。

On the way home, I pulled into an empty parking lot and let loose. At this point, although I was skeptical, I thought that when I used to work at Heping Housekeeping Bureau (see Chapter 6) and at TJ Real Estate Ltd (see Section 9.1), I had the help of Troupe Leader Liu. After I left China, without his help, I couldn't even find a decent job for two or three years. When I went back to China to visit him, what did I say? I didn't have the face to see him! I also thought that this is Eve Liu so far has not found a partner or married and then divorced! The old man remembered me again, and disturbed! But I'm already married, what else can I do! After I lost my voice and cried, my whole body comfortable, suddenly thought, “the old man this is again playing what tricks? Aren't you going to curse me with ‘Die with Eyes Open’, and not be able to see me for life?”

Annotation 9.4-2, just at this moment, the curse of “Die with Eyes Open” (cf. v. 2.4) jumped from my unconscious to my conscious mind. I felt that Troup Leader Liu was cursing me, but I did not recall any evidence of this, except that I had a vague feeling that he was also behind me in Chapter 6 “Heping Housekeeping Bureau”.

9.4-3

一天夜里，我妻子突然对我说：“你怎么了？三更半夜不睡觉，在那里唉声叹气！”

我说：“我什么也没想。”

妻子说：“我都看得很清楚，自从我说我怀孕了，你就不开心了，一天天的总是闷闷不乐，在那里发呆。”

这时我才意识到，两周前和刘加力谈话后，我的全身都像是有沉重的感觉（注3），不一样，心情也不一样。将有孩子了，我和妻子商量换家公寓住。我也打算找份新工作，离开这家岩土顾问公司，那老头子（刘团长）就找不着我了。

注9.4-3，当时我不懂，现在想来，那时我患了抑郁症。

One night, my wife suddenly said to me, “What's wrong with you? Not sleeping in the middle of the night, sighing there!”

I answered, “I'm not thinking about anything.”

My wife said, “I can see it all very clearly, ever since I said I was pregnant, you've been unhappy, and you're always moping around day after day.”

At this time, I realized that two weeks ago after talking to Garry, my whole body is like a heavy feeling (Annotation 3), different, and different mood. There will be a child, and my wife and I are discussing a new apartment to live in. I was also planning to find a new job and leave this geotechnical consultancy, so that old man (Troupe Leader Liu) wouldn't be able to find me anymore.

Annotation 9.4-3, I didn't understand it at that time, but now I think that I suffered from depression at that time.

 

9.5 桫椤给我改性格 Sal Changes my Personality

2004年8月，我到Davroc 测试实验室有限公司工作。老板桫椤（Sal Fasullo，如插图9.5）是个意大利人，50岁左右。他有个小心计，就是给新来的员工多到做不完的工作，还总催促快、快、快。这样让新员工在刚到新环境时变成勤快人。结果，我不知不觉中变成了勤快人。桫椤看到了我性格的变化，对他这个小计划的成功感到骄傲，但有美中不足。

随着长子的出世，我开始了新生活，工作之余出去钓鱼，整天无所事事。两年后在一次公司聚餐中，桫椤看着我们，对女秘书，安琪拉，说：“咱公司的人都怕我；你说我怕谁？”

 In August 2004, I joined Davroc Engineering & Testing Ltd. The owner, Sal Fasullo (see fig. 9.5), is an Italian, about 50 years old. He has a careful plan, that is, to give the new employees too much work to do, and always urge fast, fast, fast. This makes new employees more diligent when they first arrive in a new environment. As a result, I unknowingly became a diligent person. Sal saw the change in my personality, was proud of the success of his little project, but there was a fly in the ointment.

With the birth of my first son, I started a new life, going fishing outside of work and doing nothing all day. Two years later, at a company dinner, Sal looked at us and said to the female secretary, Angela: "The people in our company are afraid of me; Who do you say I'm afraid of?”

安琪拉说：“我不知道你在自己的公司里还怕人，你怕谁？”

桫椤说：“我怕卢岩！不知道咋回事。他刚来的时候，还是我面试的他呢。当时看见他，我就毛愣愣的。他走了我就琢磨：我为什么这么害怕呢（注1）！？所以从他来公司上班，我就开始观察他。我琢磨了这两年了，才明白：他是个好人！你知道啥叫好人不？”

注9.5-1，这是我肉眼通（参见第3章）的作用，看见的人感受各异。

Angela said: "I don't know that you are still afraid of people in your own company, who are you afraid of?”

Sal said, "I'm afraid of Yan Lu! I don't know what's going on. When he first arrived, I interviewed him. When I saw him, I was stunned. When he left, I wondered: Why am I so afraid? So, from the day he came to work, I started observing him. I pondered it for two years before I realized: he is a Goodman! Do you know what is a Goodman?

Annotation 9.5-1, this is the effect of my “Flesh Eye Through” (refers to chapter 3), and people who see it feel differently.

安琪拉被问得不安了，说：“我本来知道！但你这么问，我就不知道了。他到底哪里不一样？”

桫椤说：“你就是不知道什么是好人！真正好人的世界里没坏人；卢岩看我是好人!”

安琪拉说：“啊！你是坏人！”

桫椤说：“我说的这种好人，罕见！全世界有多少个？我不知道，也许有60个。他没亲眼看见人杀人，就不相信人会杀人。”

Angela was disturbed by the question and said: "I knew! But if you ask that, I don't know. What is different about him?”

Sal Fasullo said: "You just don't know what a Goodman is! There are no bad people in the world of Goodman’s eyes; Luyan sees me as a good person!"

Angela said: "Ah! You are the bad guy!”

Sal said, "The kind of Goodmen I'm talking about are rare! How many are there in the world? I don't know, maybe 60 of them. He didn't believe that people would kill without seeing them kill with his own eyes.”

安琪拉问：“那他就没在报刊杂志、电视电影里看过？”

桫椤回答：“当然看见了，但那种在媒体上看见的对他的影响小。”

安琪拉问：“这卢岩是不是傻呀？”

桫椤立刻说：“你才傻呢！傻咱还说他干啥！在某些方面卢岩还很聪明！他能理解出许多别人琢磨不明白的事。”

Angela asked, "Then he hasn't seen it in newspapers, magazines, TV movies?"

Sal replied, "Of course he saw it, but what he saw in the media had little effect on him."

Angela asked, "Is this Luyan stupid?"

Sal immediately said: “You’re stupid! Silly, let's say what he does! In some ways, Luyan is still smart! He can understand many things that others do not understand.”

桫椤又说，他看见我生气，就害怕，怕得连心都哆嗦。他最终没研究明白为什么，但他想出了一个解决办法。他说我生气是因为我在工地受气了，懦弱，不打架。过后，我想起来生气，责怪他这个经理没做好本职工作。他说，在工地受气了就应该立刻和他们打架，不打架是我的性格所致。作为男人，这性格可不行。他说他是我懦弱性格的最大受害者。为了解决这个问题，他决定把我的性格改一改。

Sal also said that when he saw me angry, he was afraid, so afraid that his heart trembled. He didn't figure out why in the end, but he came up with a solution. He said that I was angry because I was bullied at the construction site, and I was cowardly and didn't fight. Later, I remembered that I was angry and blamed him as a manager for not doing his job well. He said that if I was bullied at the construction site, I should have fought with them immediately. And I didn't fight because of my personality. As a man, this personality is not acceptable. He said that he was the biggest victim of my cowardly personality. To solve this problem, he decided to change my personality.

安琪拉惊讶了，说：“性格还能改！咋改？你还有这本事！”

桫椤骄傲地说：“看你，又不知道了吧！人都说我，干啥啥不行，啥都不知道！其实他们都不知道：我就干这个在行。怎么做？你就等我以后告诉你吧！照我说的做就行了。”

前面聚会时谈的话，我没在意。我是搞工程质量检测和建筑材料取样的，常常一天走几个工地。

Angela was surprised and said, "You can change personality! How? You can do it!"

Sal Fasullo said proudly, "Look at you, you don't know anything again! People say I can't do anything, and I don't know anything! In fact, they don't know I am good at this. How to do it? You just wait for me to tell you later! Just do as I say."

I didn't pay much attention to what was said at the previous gathering. I was doing project quality inspection and building material sampling, and I often visited several construction sites a day.

事例一 Case 1

一段时间后，工地里有人向我抱怨：“我们一直很尊重你，没对你有区别对待，你怎么抱怨我们不尊重你呢？”

我回答：“我没发现你们不尊重我，没抱怨过。”

“什么你没抱怨过！我们公司来电话，说你怎么，怎么的。”

这我当然生气了，我没做过那事，就吵。随后，他们向我道歉，说一定是公司里的人把名字搞错了。

After a while, someone on the construction site complained to me: "We have always respected you and did not treat you differently, why do you complain that we do not respect you?"

I replied, "I didn't see you disrespecting me, I didn't complain."

"What haven't you complained about! Our company calls and says how you are, how you are.”

Of course, I was angry, I didn't do that, just argued. Later, they apologized to me, saying that someone in the company must have mistaken the name.

事例二Case 2

一次，我去个工地，感觉人们很怪异，说话带刺，就说：“你们这地方，怎么这么特殊呢！”

甲人说： “是！连我自己都感觉自己特殊！”

我感觉事情不妙，对另一个人说：“哎呀！我感觉有人用话熏我呢！”

乙人对甲说： “别挑训！” 我当然愣住了，叨咕：“我什么时候害着它了！”

有人劝我：“别理它，他今天早上吃错药了。”

我委屈又认真地说：“我真想不起来，发生什么事了！”

来人拉我走说：“什么都没发生，你能知道什么。谁也不知道他跟谁生气了！”

Once, I went to a construction site and felt that people were weird and prickly, so I said, "Why is this place so special!"

Person A said, "Yes! Even I feel special!”

I felt that things were not going well and said to another person, "Oops! I feel like someone is smoking me with words!”

Person B said to Person A: "Don't pick on him!" Of course, I was stunned and muttered: "When did I hurt him!"

Someone advised me: "Ignore him, he took the wrong medicine this morning."

I said aggrievedly and seriously: "I really can't remember what happened!"

The person pulled me away and said: "Nothing happened, what can you know. No one knows who he was angry with!"

事例三 Case 3

一次，我去个工地去取测试材料的样本，忽然工地的人对我的态度变了，告诉我说：“我们从安全上考虑，你不能自己去那里取样儿，我们派某人把样品给你取来，你在这里等着。”

我感觉奇怪！就争吵：“我以前都是自己去取的，某某人不知道怎么做工程材料取样儿。你们要搞什么鬼？日后材料质量出了问题，问我，我怎么回答呀！不行！”

Once, I went to a construction site to get samples of test materials. Suddenly, the people at the construction site changed their attitude towards me and told me: "For safety reasons, you can't go there to get samples by yourself. We will send someone to get the samples for you. You wait here."

I felt strange! So, I argued: "I used to get them by myself. Someone doesn't know how to take samples of construction materials. What are you doing? If there is a problem with the quality of the materials in the future and they ask me, how can I answer? No way!"

工地的人说：“这是我们领导告诉我们这么做的！”

我说：“我活见鬼了！取样就必须由我自己做，这是规范和我的工作要求。你们这是在浪费我的时间！我不记得我们有什么过结。你们怎么突然刁难起我来了！”

最后，他们也没办法，就都陪我一起去取样本。

The people at the construction site said, "Our leader told us to do this!"

I said, "What the hell! I must do the sampling myself. This is the specification and my job requirement. You are wasting my time! I don't remember any conflicts between us. Why are you suddenly making things difficult for me!"

Finally, they had no choice but to go with me to collect samples.

对我的影响 Impact on Me

几个月的事情里有蛊怪（腐尸虫在作怪，如图9.5-2）。我渐渐地明白了：肯定是桫椤背后搞鬼；他想让我有脾气，头上长角，身上长刺！我气愤地对自己叨咕：“改性格！竟扯这些没用的！你咋不给我涨工资呢！”

一次在工地，我忽然向工地四周望，想，“那老头子（刘团长）几年都不来逗我玩儿了，他是不是死了！？小时候，梁伯姨父（注，是刘团长安排给我的启蒙老师）经常逗我玩，后来他（刘团长）就来和我寻开心，现在他死了，没人再注意到我了！在国内，有他的照顾，我工作中还有个脸；到加拿大五、六年了，我连个工程师都没混上。”安省工程师学会让我参加它们的工程师资格审查考试，我拖拖拉拉，到现在还没认真准备。从此，我开始认真准备工程师的资格考试了。

There were carrion beetles (aka. Thor’s Devils, see figs. 9.5-2) causing trouble in the past few months. I gradually realized that it must be Sal Fasullo who plotted the incidents; he wanted me to have a temper, grow horns on my head, and thorns on my body! I angrily muttered to myself: "Change my personality! These are useless! Why don't you give me a raise!"

Once at a construction site, I suddenly looked around and thought, "That old man (Troupe Leader Liu) hasn't come to play with me for several years. Is he dead? When I was a child, Uncle Liang(note, who is my revelation-teacher arranged by Troupe leader Liu) often played with me. Later, he (Troupe Leader Liu) came to have fun with me. Now he is dead, and no one pays attention to me anymore! In China, with his care, I still have a face at work; I have been in Canada for five or six years, but I haven't even become an engineer." The Ontario Institute of Engineers asked me to take their engineer qualification examination, but I procrastinated and have not prepared seriously until now. From then on, I began to prepare seriously for the engineer qualification examination.

事例四 Case 4

一次在多伦多的TTC Mt Dennis Bus Garage工地，多伦多地铁工会，还有他们从外地请来的两位专家，组成了一个调查组来调查我。他们对会议记录里留下的我的抱怨处理不了。几个人轮流过来和我谈话，后来一起来了。他们谁也看不明白我的眼神（肉眼通），认为我知道他们调查的策略，在嘲笑他们。

我说：“我可没时间跟你们闲聊，我还要干活呢！”

Once at the TTC Mt Dennis Bus Garage site in Toronto, the Toronto Metro Union, and two experts they brought in from out of town formed an investigation team to investigate me. They couldn't handle my complaints left in the minutes. Several people took turns coming to talk to me and later came together. None of them could understand my eyes (Flesh Eye through, refers to chapter 3), thought I knew the tactics they were investigating, and were laughing at them.

I said, "I don't have time to make small talk with you, I still have to work!"

一个人说：“我们这哪是在闲聊！从记录上第一次出现了你的抱怨，我们就努力改正，让人们注意礼貌。到现在有三、四次你受到不公平待遇的记录了，我们处理不了，在做决定是否交给警察来处理！”

另一个人说：“受害人什么都不知道，怎么报警！”

他们走的时候，还在议论，一个人说：“这肯定是他们公司搞的鬼。”

另一个人问：“那，他们公司干这事儿干啥？”

过了几天，我才想起来，这又是桫椤在给我改性格.

One person said, "Where are we gossiping! From the first time your complaint appeared on the record, we worked hard to correct it and get people to pay attention to politeness. So far, there are three or four records of you being treated unfairly, we can't deal with it, and we are deciding whether to hand it over to the police!”

Another said: "The victim doesn't know anything, how to call the police!"

When they left, they were still talking, and one person said, "This must be Davroc tricking us!”

Another asked, "So, why do they trick us?”

It took me a few days to remember that it was Sal Fasullo who was changing my personality again.

事例五 Case 5

我外出工作，和我们公司别的部门的人唠嗑，他们说我和桫椤关系好：桫椤对我像是他儿子似的，说我是我们公司的二老板。我对此事很烦，认为他们是瞎说。他们却很认真，说：这是真的！我都听说好久了，咱公司里都这么说。但是，我认为这是拿我寻开心，这话题没意思。

说的人多了，渐渐地，我对这种说法接受了，认为我自己的工作干得好，得到了老板的肯定。

I went out to work and chatted with people from other departments of our company, they said that I had a good relationship with Sal: Sal treated me like his son, and I was the second boss of our company. I was annoyed by this and thought they were talking nonsense. But they were serious and said: This is true! I've heard it for a long time, and we all say it in our company. However, I think this is making fun of me, and this topic is not interesting.

More people said it, and gradually, I accepted this statement, thinking that I had done a good job and was affirmed by the boss.

 

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