musical words？

好像当代诗歌里一个时髦的理念是诗歌应该 musical ，俺不懂，觉得是故弄玄虚，尤其英文。 好像意大利语，电影里看到，倒是感觉他们说话像唱歌。俺喜欢余秀华的， 翻译过一首，倒是有人说 musical ，很是惊讶。也许余秀华是 musical 的高手。

 

横店村的下午 

 

余秀华

 

恰巧阳光正好，照到坡上的屋脊，照到一排白杨 

照到一方方小水塘，照到水塘边的水草 

照到匍匐的蕨类植物。照到油菜，小麦 

光阴不够平整，被那么多的植物分取 

被一头牛分取，被水中央的鸭子分取 

被一个个手势分取 

同时，也被我分取 

我用分取的光阴凑足了半辈子 

母亲用这些零碎凑足了一头白发 

只有万物欢腾 

——它们又凑足了一个春天 

我们在这样的春天里 

不过是把横店村重新捂热一遍

 

One afternoon in the village Hengdian

 

The sun shines exactly as needed, on the roofs on the hill, on a row of aspen trees

Shines on many square ponds, on the aquatic grass in the edge of the ponds

Shines on the crawling ferns. Shines on canola, wheat

The alternating light and darkness aren’t fair or regular, shared by many plants

One share for a cow, one share for the ducks in the water

Shared by many hand gestures

At the same time, shared by me

I piece together my share of light and darkness into half a life

Mother pieces together her trivial share into all white hairs on her head

Only all other creatures frolic

—They piece together another spring

We reside in this spring 

Nothing more than envelope Hengdian into warmth again        

 

Likes: kevin, Mariovitale227, Owain, Hosein shafiei, Cal Smith, rcampbell13

 

Owain - I love that 'sun shines exactly as needed'. It emphasises to me that nature does what it sees best and not what we want it to do but that generally our needs/desires match what nature is willing to provide. This poem describes one of those times.

3 years ago   x

 

Cal Smith - A very nice picture of a little village. A little too much word repetition though.
It might be better, for example, to write:

"The sun shines exactly as needed,
on the roofs on the hill,
with its row of aspen trees.
And on the many square ponds
with aquatic grasses on  their edges.

It shines on crawling ferns
and on canola wheat.
The alternating light and darkness
isn't fair or regular,
because it's shared by many plants."

 

这是一位教 poetry 的回复，也许他能感觉到 musical 

 

“I admire greatly your translations from the Chinese, most especially the one by Xiuhua Yu. The idea, very well handled in your translation, of light unequally shared among the creatures, is an arresting one. It's astonishing that you have found a way to render the poem in such smooth and musical English.“