诗歌， lost in translation ?

诗歌， lost in translation ? 

 

    从开始读诗到写诗， 大概有一年半的样子。 该是中年危机闹的鬼。 开始时读的都是英文诗， 心痒了， 就开始试着翻译， 这时才发现自己中文退步的厉害。 有时一个英文词， 头脑里英文的定义很清楚， 却想不出中文词是什么。 大概翻译了十几首后， “心就胀满了诗意”， 不得不泄到键盘上。 很尴尬的是自己的中文和英文都是半瓶子水。 两者势均力敌， 常常会起笔时想的是中文， 终了却成了英文， 那个赢， 完全是哪种语言对了当时的感觉。 也许是距离产生美感， 或是我对声音和语调的敏感， 虽然我不懂法语， 却觉得那是诗的语言， 英语， 似乎硬朗了些， 欠悠扬， 而中文则更加硬一些， 更适合豪情。 因为我自认是一个平淡的人， 对豪情没有诗感， 写诗时又总是边写边读， 结果涂鸦的英文诗反倒多于中文的。 

    

    对自己没有信心， 只敢把诗交给陌生人读。 于是找到了这个网站 “allpoetry” 。 这里你可以贴诗， 但有个条件， 你每贴一首诗， 必须评论两首其他作者刚刚贴的诗， 而且不能少于设定的字符。 我哪里真正懂得诗， 只好每次贴诗时， 凭感觉选两首， 说些你好我好大家都好的赞美。 “allpoetry” 还有一个吸引我的地方。 它的主人是硅谷的一位业余诗人， 利用专长， 他提供软件， 给每一首诗从几方面打分， 再给出一个综合分。 我的分数自然惨不忍睹， 虽然其他的写诗人会 “被迫” 留一两句鼓励的话。 

 

    几天前， 我贴的一首诗又得了负分， 你没听错， 比零还少。 自认诗的名字是不错的， Birth of an ocean , 想描述记忆是如何消失的。           

 

Birth of an ocean

 

Time

Gracefully

Erases every color.

Too swift and efficient

For an artist to repaint.

 

Time

Nimbly

Unties every knot.

Too adamant and precise

For a sailor to retie. 

 

Time

Patiently

Melts every snowflake.

Too warm and effective

For a heart to preserve.

 

Time

Eventually

Fuses every drop of water

Into a peaceful ocean.

And a sail no longer needs navigation.

 

(Bshan25 only) autorank score: -0.6. professional similarity 2.9, word order 0.0, concrete 1.0, abstract -1.5, capitalization -3.0

 

    当然， -0.6 并不是我最低的， 我的记录是 -5.9 。 我已有免疫力了。 这次也有些不同， 我收到的“强制性”评语长度远超过了字符的标准， 能读出真心的阅读和点评。 

 

This has a good flow.  Good word choices and form.  With excellent images, this poem, and I like the statement idea first and then the image, different and original.  I believe, by just cutting out the And for tightening your strong emotional poem will read better at the end. Thank you.  (a sail no longer needs navigation) I like it without the And.  OK?  

 

    我读到 “I like the statement idea first and then the image, different and original” 时， 猜想也许我的诗是中文的思维， 英文的字， 所以才让他觉得 “different and original” 。  这般告诉他， 他很快地回复： 

 

 

What constitutes a Chinese Poem?  How is it different from a poem writtten iin another languarge or understanding?  Just curious.  Is it like learning to speak another language and having to think in that language?

 

    于是我回复他一首我翻译的刘霞的诗， “给林昭”。 说这是逐句逐字翻译的， 也许他能对中文诗有个初步印象。  

 

 

给林昭

 

刘霞

 

我就这样 

久久地注视你的眼睛 

轻轻地取出你嘴里的棉团　　　　 

你的嘴唇依然柔软 

你的坟墓空空荡荡 

你的血烫伤了我伸出的手　　　　 

如此寒冷又残酷的死亡 

让九月灿烂阳光中独坐的我　　　　

无法悲伤 　 

任何形式的墓地 

于热爱自由的你 

都过于轻浮 　 

每年的阴历十五 

河上会布满河灯 

却招不回你的灵魂 

你冷眼坐在 

卡夫卡笔下四处漂流的冥船上　　　　 

看这个世界依然荒唐 

北大校庆的举杯欢呼

让你冷冷大笑 

喝吧喝吧喝吧 

这是血呢 

你在黑暗中说

 

To Lin Zhao

 

Liu Xia

 　 

I gaze at your eyes,

as if in a moment of eternity.

I gently take the cotton ball out of your mouth，

When your lips soft，

your tomb empty，

Yet your blood burns my extended hands.

 

Such cold and cruel ending of life,

depleted my sense of sorrow,

while I sit alone in the shiny sun.

Any form of tomb is

too flimsy to match

your love for freedom.

 

On every reunion with the dead,

we can’t bring back your soul,

despite a river of floating lanterns.

You calmly dwell on 

the wandering boat in Metamorphosis,

and observe the same old absurd world. 

 

Those anniversary celebrations at your alma mater 

drive you into a loud scornful laughter.

Toast! Toast! Toast! 

Blood, it is!

-Your voice from the dark.

 

    他又很快的回复：

 

Do you have any idea how lovely this poem is just as it is written here? I believe that you should just translate  your poems into English from Chinese exactly as you have written them. The basic idea of poetry is not to get every understanding over to the reader but to evoke an emotion or emotions in them that they can relate to from their own life experiences.  This is exactly what you have done here.  Just keep your translations in the present tense as though you were speaking them at present and you will be fine.  And above all, remember that the emotion achieved in a poem is paramount over understanding. What is not said in a poem is as important and sometimes more so than understanding every passage or word choice.  OK?  Please give feedback to  this comment but only after you have absorbed what I have stated here. Thanks and congrats on a fine poem.  You new friend in poetry, X.

 

     我连忙回信澄清， 这是刘霞的诗， 写给林昭， 讲给他听刘霞是谁， 林昭是谁。 我也说我希望有一天能告诉刘霞他的赞美。 我还需要读更多的的诗， 写更多的诗， 才能 “have absorbed” 他的意思。 但我还是附上一首我写的英文诗， 告诉他这是我写给刘霞的丈夫的。

 

Silent on July 13

 

In a silent movie, 

I hear tears dripping,

And hearts whispering.

In a silenced world,

I hear fires burning,

And bells chiming. 

To whom bells toll? 

An end or a beginning? 

 

    我也承诺如果刘霞写了一首给她的丈夫的诗， 我会翻译给他读。 我不相信 “lost in translation” 。