(蓝色部分附有中文注释。Chinese notes are added for the parts highlighted in blue)
2
I was very glad that my friends were coming over to the coffee shop for brain-storming to solve the situation of my Sunday meeting with I-don't-even-know-if-it's-my-girl friend-or-my-ex girl friend-myself Miss Vaughan and her mom one year after our parting.
Lina, Lily, and John Wayne arrived almost at the same time as I did. When we found a table with four seats, I mimicked ex Premier Wen Jiabao's tone and quoted his saying, "it's snowing outside. The weather is harshly cold, but my heart is hot."
The girls giggled and John Wayne asked, "medium double-double, green tea, French vanilla? Who needs what?"
It's his turn to treat us this time. Originally, John Wayne's name was something that sounded like Jiang Weiyin, but I hadn't gone further to check it out, so that's how this nickname had come from. He had hit me hard in the shoulder in our first meeting on the soccer field just because of my tongue slip after his self-introduction - "Wow! I've come a long way to know John Wayne is not an Indian in real life."
Two fire engines sirened passing by, a few fallen leaves flying in the air. I looked into distance outside, trying once again to figure out what I should do with Mama Vaughan and her daughter at AGO the next day.
"Are you as well as you look? At least you look very excited," John Wayne asked and passed the cup over to me via Lily.
"I only pretend to look excited when I see you." I collected a napkin from laughing Lily.
"Miss Vaughan and you parted last year, so now Mama Vaughan wants to meet you tomorrow?" Lina asked.
"And Miss Vaughan," added John Wayne.
"Yes, and you guys never know how scared I am." I took a look at my watch, "in about 15 hours, I will go to the execution ground. Happiness comes too suddenly."
Lily splashed her cinnamon-flavored green tea after my words. She tried to dry the table with napkins, questioning, "remember what you told us long ago?" She turned to John Wayne, "how to say that again?"
"Which one are you referring to?" John Wayne asked for a tip.
"Oh, come on, just wake Gabriel Garcia Marquez up from his tomb again and tell how Cien años de soledad is pirated by someone." Lily reminded.
"Many years later," John Wayne quoted, "as I faced a naked ant on the execution ground of love, I was to remember that distant afternoon when Miss Vaughan took me to discover mosquitoes around West Don Parkland. At that time Toronto was only a city with the population of some two millions. In the city lied a big wetland through which West Don River meandered along the banks of long grasses and weeds. Clear water of the river flew slowly on a bed of polished cobblestones, which were round and white, like unforgettable Miss Vaughan's face."
"Good memory." I commented.
"You said that to me half million times," John Wayne responded. "Yes, we know you like Lu Xun's books. So you've been practising being Xianglin's Widow so as to figure out how close you are to Lu Xun in spirit, right?"
"Oh come on, guys. Back to business now." Lina corrected.
"I was very nice to her, I did many things for her." I explained, "for her, I could do many horrible things if it's a must. Yes, I mean it. I could even go kidnap Steven Harper's wife's cousin's brother-in-law's nephew's ex girl friend's neighbour's schoolmate's godmother's grand-daughter's colleague."
"...which is you." John Wayne noted my words.
"Right, and whatever it takes." Lina added.
"No matter what, I was just this nice to her."
"But was she aware of all those?" asked Lily.
"To the moon, I'm exposing my loving heart;
But all it cares, is lighting up a ditch in the dark."
I uttered a profound sigh.
"Who's that poet?" Lily asked.
"It's from Ling Mengchu's Slapping the Table in Amazement."
"I've heard about the book, but haven't got a chance to read it yet," said Lily, "and which dynasty was Ling from?"
"Ming Dynasty. Actually, he died in defending Xuzhou against Dong Xueli's offensive."
"Who's Dong Xueli?" She was interested.
"A general under Liu Fangliang."
"But who's Liu Fangliang?" Lily continued.
"A general under Li Zicheng. Who's Li Zicheng? A general under me. Hang on, I think Li Zicheng also sent Yuan Zongdi to Henan and Yuan sent an official called Wu Su to help Dong Xueli on civil administration of certain area between Shandong, Jiangsu, and Anhui."
"Go on, go on. we are very interested in Li Zicheng's story. Keep going and tell us who's Yuan Zongdi and Wu Su, and that's why we are here today." Lina cast me a sarcastic look.
Helplessly I shook my head and took a sip of the drink.
"Tell me those later," Lily whispered.
"But isn't Miss Vaughan coming back to you?" said Lina. "Right, she said that it didn't mean anything that her mom would like to meet you. But look, to me, it's a positive step to you two's re-union."
"She's only helping quench her mom's thirst of curiosity. Mama Vaughan wants to see who lured her daughter and wants to see this jerk in person so that this jerk dare not come to her daughter any more in the future."
"I wouldn't think it that way," said Lily.
"You will, after tomorrow. Holy! Tomorrow, tomorrow..." I repeated.
"Why are you so scared?" asked Lina.
"Because, first, Mama Vaughan is very scaring. You guys don't know what I've experienced. Second, many years ago, in the eyes of all the teachers and many of my schoolmates' and classmates' parents, I was a bad boy though I was not. But since then, fears have been dominating me meeting teachers and people's parents."
"Yes, I know. He once told me something. I understand." John Wayne explained to the girls.
"So what will you talk about when you meet Mama Vaughan?" Lily asked, passing to me another napkin.
"What would I say? What could I say? What should I say? Thank you for destroying the love between your daughter and myself last year?" I asked myself. But when I noticed every one waiting there for my answer, I calmed myself down. "I will talk about the reform and re-organizing of big ministry system to Mama Vaughan. Right, I will tell her the plan I drafted. Petroleum Ministry will be re-named as Ministry of Petroleum Import and Export, which consists of three bureaus: Bureau of Low Price Oil Export to North Korea, Bureau of High Price Oil Import from Russia, Bureau of Pricing-Up for Domestic Gas and Diesel; Finance Ministry will be divided into two Ministries: 1st Finance Ministry and 2nd Finance Ministry respectively handling affairs home and abroad. The 1st focuses on 'gathering wealth from all China' whilst the 2nd takes care of 'pleasing foreign countries with gathered wealth'. As for propaganda business, we can establish Internal Propaganda Department, Communist Party Propaganda Department, and External Propaganda Department. The internal one is responsible for fudging with our leaders, the party one handles fudging with Chinese people, and the external one takes care of fudging with world people. And Foreign Affairs Ministry will be re-named as Foreign Aid Ministry, which will be mainly engaged in ..."
"Oh come on," Lina cut me off. "You can't be joking all the time. Take a break. We're here for you and Miss Vaughan, not for Oil Ministry, Finance Ministry, or, what's that again? Oh, Propaganda Ministry."
"But as a matter of fact, Mama Vaughan is a communist cadre, so she would understand my original intention of constantly worrying and caring about Party's business."
"Can you be a little serious about this thing?" Lina flattened her face, "or are you really serious about this thing? Actually, were you ever serious about anything? No wonder your best friend is Comrade O'Connell instead of us." The term comrade was assigned a new life in China now - gay.
Lina really changed since departure of her husband. I resumed the serious tone and said, "hey look, first of all, the Irish never hammered me with words like you do. Second, he and I are straight, both are traditional sexuality-oriented, not 'comrade' or in any relation you guys fantasized."
"We are here helping you," she went on. "You told us you are scared to death at thought of meeting Mama Vaughan. But how can you still have the mood to crack us jokes even now?"
"I don't know," I shook my head, "I really don't know. I'm just too nervous and too scared."
"I understand. You girls don't know, boys are like that sometimes, it's ususal. Understood, understood." John Wayne helped me out.
"So after one year, your girl friend's mom or your ex girl friend's mom wants to meet you. I'm not familiar with this kind of relationship, just like I'm not familiar with Xi Big Big's concept of establishing new type of diplomatic ties for big countries," said Lily.
"Neither am I. But look, if each of us understood, then each of us would be Mama Vaughan, would be Xi Big Big.So, this is very normal, it's as usual as it is. To me, loving someone, of course, contains loving someone's mom, loving someone's dad, loving someone's weight, loving someone's fat thighs, someone's quick temper, and someone's spicy food-triggering-pain butt."
"But," Lina frowned, "who is this someone? You are not talking about Miss Vaughan, are you?"
"No, I'm not," I replied. "Moreover, loving someone, also includes bearing to leave her, for instance, to leave her after meeting her mom. This also represents loving her."
"He's not talking about Miss Vaughan." Lily emphasized.
"There you go." John Wayne knuckled the table.
"So hard to understand. Pardon me for my low IQ." Lily sighed, and then immediately straightened her body when I gave her a dirty look.
"Understood, you guys are with me; not understood, you guys should be with me closer. Only this way, you guys are truly with me, not pretend to be with me as friends. This is what people call 'the mass stick together heart-to-heart'."
"Miss Vaughan is a very smart girl." Lily confirmed.
"And?" said John Wayne.
"She set AGO as the meeting location," she explained and looked at me. "It's a right place where you can show to Mama Vaughan what world is inside you. You know, my level is, as I believe, above the average. But with you beside, I'm like someone who has never been exposed to any content of real culture. Miss Vaughan's pick is definitely a wise girl's choice. She's very considerate and she's trying to help you to well impress her mom."
"Oh yah?" doubted John Wayne.
"Yah," she continued, "with no vulgar taste, Miss Vaughan didn't pick any Chinese restaurant as meeting place."
"But picking Chinese restaurant doesn't necessarily mean vulgar taste." John Wayne argued.
"Right, it doesn't necessarily mean that, but you know what I'm talking about."
"Ok, I know what you mean. But now, I need to go to the bathroom to powder my nose." John Wayne stood up.
"Take me, ta-ta-take me. Wanna be your victim, ready for abduction." Lina held out the hand which John Wayne grasped to pull her up from the seat.
"Wait! Second round?" I asked.
When I came back with four cups of English toffee on a tray, Lina and John Wayne were already back on their seats.
"So, where were we?" asked Lina.
"Reform and re-organizing of big ministry system. So," I continued, "Foreign Affairs Ministry will be re-named as Foreign Aid Ministry, which consists of four bureaus: Aid to Africa Bureau, Aid to Asia Bureau, Aid to Latin-America Bureau, Aid to disasters-stricken Countries Bureau..." I stopped myself as I found Lina, Lily, and John Wayne laid their heads on the table.
"Tovarishchi, tomorrow, I will be officially eaten by Mama Vaughan while Miss Vaughan will be the eater's helper and you guys don't seem to care. But good thing is, someone special will excite me by then." I murmured to the three heads.
"Who will excite you?" John Wayne mumbled with his head still laying there.
"Michelangelo."
"Who's Michelangelo?" Lina raised her head.
"Katy Perry's cousin."
"Katy Perry's original name is Stefani German... sorry," Lina denied herself and added, "that's Lady Gaga's. Katy's is Kathy Hudson. So which side is this Michelangelo kin to? Katy's mother's side or her fa..."
Noticing Lily trying to hide giggling, Lina stopped mid-sentence and gave me a hard kick instantly under the table.
Notes:
01. John Wayne - 约翰·韦恩,美国早期西部片硬汉明星,主演《关山飞渡》(Stagecoach)、《最长的一日》(The Longest Day)
02. Jiang Weiyin - 英文绰号John Wayne
03. AGO - 安大略艺术馆/安大略美术馆(Art Gallery of Ontario)
04. Gabriel García Márquez - 加夫里尔·加西亚·马尔克斯
05. Cien años de soledad - 《百年孤独》(One Hundred Years of Solitude)
06. "Many years later," ...... "as I faced a naked ant on the execution ground of love, I was to remember that distant afternoon when Miss Vaughan took me to discover mosquitoes around West Don Parkland. At that time Toronto was only a city with the population of some two millions. In the city lied a big wetland through which West Don River meandered along the banks of long grasses and weeds. Clear water of the river flew slowly on a bed of polished cobblestones, which were round and white, like unforgettable Miss Vaughan's face." - 多年以后,……当我在爱情刑场上面对一个赤身裸体的蚂蚁时,将会回想起迷思汪带我到西堂河公园去见识蚊子的那个遥远的下午。那时,多伦多还只是一个人口仅两百万出头的城市。城市之中坐落着一大片湿地,西堂河便从这里蜿蜒流过,两岸生出长长的青草和芦苇。清澈的河水平缓地流淌在布满卵石的河床上,卵石洁白光滑,宛若迷思汪那令人难忘的脸庞。
07. Lu Xun - 鲁迅
08. Xianglin's Widow - 祥林嫂
09. To the moon, I'm to expose my loving heart; but all it cares, is to light up a ditch in the dark - 我本将心向明月,奈何明月照沟渠
10. Ling Mengchu - 凌濛初
11. Slapping the Table in Amazement - 《初刻拍案惊奇》
12. Xuzhou - 徐州
13. Dong Xueli - 董学礼,明军将领,降闯军
14. Liu Fangliang - 刘芳亮,李自成部将
15. Yuan Zongdi - 袁宗第,李自成部将
16. Wu Su - 武愫,明朝进士,降闯军
17. Petroleum Ministry will be re-named as Ministry of Petroleum Import and Export, which consists of three bureaus: Bureau of Low Price Oil Export to North Korea, Bureau of High Price Oil Import from Russia, Bureau of Pricing-Up for Domestic Gas and Diesel; Finance Ministry will be divided into two Ministries: 1st Finance Ministry and 2nd Finance Ministry respectively handling affairs home and abroad. The 1st focuses on 'gathering wealth from all China' whilst the 2nd takes care of 'pleasing foreign countries with gathered wealth'. As for propaganda business, we can establish Internal Propaganda Department, Communist Party Propaganda Department, and External Propaganda Department. The internal one is responsible for fudging with our leaders, the party one handles fudging with Chinese people, and the external one takes care of fudging with world people. And Foreign Affairs Ministry will be re-named as Foreign Aid Ministry - 石油部应更名为石油输出输入部。下设三个司:朝鲜石油低价输出司、俄罗斯石油高价输入司、国内汽柴油涨价司。财政部分设为财政一部、财政二部。财政一部负责对内,主要职能是“聚中华之物力”;财政二部负责对外,主要职能是“结与国之欢心”。宣传部分设为内宣部、中宣部、外宣部。内宣部忽悠领导,中宣部忽悠人民,外宣部忽悠全世界。而外交部则要更名为外援部……
18. she would understand my original intention of constantly worrying and caring about Party's business - 她会理解我抱着为党操碎了心的初衷
19. the Irish never hammered me with words like you do - 但人家爱尔兰人从不像你们这样拿话砸我
20. establishing new type of diplomatic ties for big countries - 建立新型大国外交关系
21. Neither am I. But look, if each of us understood, then each of us would be Mama Vaughan, would be Xi Big Big - 我也搞不懂。但,要是我们能搞懂,那我们岂不都成了汪嫲嫲、都成了习大大?
22. Understood, you guys are with me; not understood, you guys should be with me closer. Only this way, you guys are truly with me, not pretend to be with me as friends. This is what people call 'the mass stick together heart-to-heart'. - 搞得懂,你们要支持;搞不懂,你们更要支持。这样才是真支持,不是假支持。这样才叫‘人民群众心连心’。
23. I need to go to the bathroom to powder my nose - 我得去洗手间补补妆
24. Take me, ta-ta-take me. Wanna be your victim, ready for abduction - 歌曲《外星人》(ET)
25. tovarishchi - 同志们(comrades)
26. Michelangelo - 米开朗基罗(Michelangelo Buonarroti),文艺复兴时期意大利雕塑家、建筑师、画家和诗人,与列奥纳多·达·芬奇和拉斐尔并称“文艺复兴艺术三杰”,著名作品为《大卫》(David)、《摩西》(Moses)、西斯廷教堂天顶画(Sistine Chapel Ceiling Fresco)、《圣殇》(Pietà)等
27. Katy Perry - 凯蒂·佩里