当代美国社会“牛郎织女”现状一瞥 （图s）

      据最近的时代杂志报道，从2000年到 2005年，美国两地分居的婚姻增加了百分之三十，高达三百六十万。这个数字是根据远程家庭关系研究中心的普查结果得出的。除了军事部署，流动性的工作以及经济需求以外，在今天的美国，妇女的职业需求往往是造成两地分居的主要原因。

 　

      两地分居彻底颠覆了传统的婚姻观念，但是研究人员开始认识到这并不必然地是一件坏事情。研究表明，两地分居的夫妻并不比生活在一起的家庭离婚率高。根据 Rand Corp 去年发表的研究报告，军人被部署在外的时间越长，他们婚姻巩固的机会就越高，部分原因是因为军人和他（她）们的配偶在分离期间会固守着他们之间那些被理想化了记忆。

      当然, 对于那些甚至连一夜分离都不能忍受的夫妻来说，两地分居婚姻的优越性是不可思议的。但是对于像34岁的 Wendy Wu 这样一些人来则说不是问题。作为一名为纽约 Proskauer Rose 工作的诉讼律师，Wu 于2006年四月份结婚。作为合伙人，她在工作上投入了大量的时间，但她并不因此感到对离开新婚的丈夫有愧。她的丈夫在三个时区之外的洛杉矶警察局工作，在她回到纽约期间，他则忙于他的铁人三项训练以及和他的朋友们在一起。Wu 说，“这也许并不适合于每一对夫妇，但对我们来说没有问题。”

 

      雇用两地分居夫妇的公司在这件事情上可谓受益匪浅。因为有婚姻的人被认为会比较稳定，尤其是在他们的配偶不在的情况下，他们与工作也结成了一种“婚姻关系”。Evergreen State College 的婚姻史学家 S. Coontz 认为，这代表了一种在对待婚姻角色问题上人人平等的全新态度。“妇女一旦结婚就会搁置事业的假设已经失效了。” Coontz 说，“大量的证据表明，这是历史上第一次婚姻能够在平等的基础上被重新建构。”

 

      甚至有了孩子以后也不会必然地结束这种格局。这项研究包括了817，000 个因其它原因而不是婚姻不合造成的两地分居家庭18岁以下的孩子。对这些两地分居的夫妇来说，这是很令人头疼的事情和充满压力的生活方式，对一方来说是一个人抚养孩子，而对另一方来说则是痛苦的孤独和对其配偶的歉疚感。每逢星期一，当 Karen 离开她在 Plano, Texas 的家去机场时，J. Cangas 都要和他的妻子吻别。作为 Accenture 的咨询专家，她要去外地客户那儿工作，要到周四很晚才能回来。J. Cangas 是做安全软件销售的，他要先把7岁的 Caroline 送去学校，然后把3岁的 Mitchell 送去日托。他利用午餐时间去买日用品，然后在6点钟接回两个孩子。回家以后，孩子们通过网络摄像机给妈妈送去飞吻。

 

      远程婚姻可以持续地延续下去。Ohio State University 的人际沟通学教授 Laura Stafford 说，这部分是因为距离可以延缓关系的发展，延长蜜月期，并阻碍夫妻生活中那些不可避免的摩擦的发生。在浪漫关系刚刚开始的时候，“我们都会保持一定程度的印象管理。” “但在远程关系中，你总是会保持‘化妆’状态。不管发生了什麽事情，你都会竭力避免冲突。” 专家们认为，两地分居婚姻最困难的时期往往是在双方向往已久的永久性团聚之后。当 Joy 和 Tom 在分离了十年重新团聚之后，Joy 说他们至少需要六个月到一年的时间来调整适应，“因为我已经习惯了没有他的生活。”

编自  Till Work Do Us Part by Lisa T. Cullen

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Bonus Video Clips

Making a Long Distance Relationship Work for Both of You

　

　

[edrifter]

回复Daisy2008的评论:

Thank you so much for another thoughtful input! You're absolutely right that it all boils down to the issue of priority - if someone perfers to put career over family, fine as long as there is no complaint; or vice versa. But, let's hope thing will work out, one way or other, for those long distance marriage families before it goes too far.

Thanks again!

[Daisy2008]

I agree totally that we should not judge other people's choices. However, this discussion has prompt me thinking about what ought to be the priority for us. Life is too short, occupation and money are only temporary. If we feel that love, marriage, and family should be our priority, then I'm sure husband and wife would try to make every effort not to separate too long, because that's ultimately detrimental to our marriages and our emotions. just to share my humble thoughts.

[edrifter]

Thank you all so much for sharing your personal stories and inputs!

It's easy for those pundits to say whayever they want to say, but hard for the couples who are separated in real life due to different reasons. A friend of mine headed back to China a couple of years ago seeking for career satisfaction, and left the working wife, along with three kids aging from 1 to 6, behind in this country. The family suffers greatly from this separation while he enjoys his professional success. I don't blame him for leaving, yet I don't want to see the family undergoing this endless torment, either. It is a real dilemma that no one can give a justified answer.

Well, hope things will eventually work out for everybody, whatever the circumstance are. :)))

Have a great weekend!

[GG2006]

Such separation could eventually fail the marriage, especially for western people. That’s also why they’re not willing to work or travel overseas (sure, there are other obvious reasons like guys seeking fantasy). Don’t forget the fundamentals.

[chinacafe]

If husbands went to china for business, the wives in US will have nightmare, many examples, like ...

[walkitalki]

My husband and I live apart quite often, sometimes as long as half a year without seeing each other. Thanks to the cheap long distance telephone services we talk almost twice a day. At first we were not used to it and now we seem to adjust ourselves better to this life style and tend to talk less often. I am not saying living apart is a good choice. It is just a choice of no choices. I don't know what's going to be next but I am ready for whatever is going to happen. I still think physical intimacy is a must between the married couple to maintain the long term relationship.

[brabra]

My wife ahd I have been lived in 2 states for the past 10 years, yes, it's painful but what I can't do? I thought about to separate for good, but there is something which I just can't throw it away. Well, it's life, someone is lucky, others, I don't knowor I can't say.

[Daisy2008]

表面上好象很好，其实是一种逃避。长久下去只会双方越来越疏远。

[edrifter]

回复jwayne_1的评论:

Cultural value might offer an explanation for that. Thanks you for the thought.

[edrifter]

回复wenjuyuan的评论:

Thank you so much for sharing your thought, bro! “Love and Marriage, they go together like a horse and carriage.” It’s a witty statement. ：））

[edrifter]

回复慧慧的评论:

难怪人们把新加坡看作亚洲的“天堂国家”。无疑是吸收人才的最佳选择。只是可惜这种高福利政策不是每个国家都可以负担的起。：））

[edrifter]

回复melly的评论:

Yeah, the article caught me by surprise as I assumed that there won’t be so many Americans living a long distance relationship life, since the society emphasizes so much on the family value.

[jwayne_1]

from my limited data, this phenomena occurs in chinese families much more often.

[wenjuyuan]

Love and Marriage, Love and Marriage, they go together like
a horse and carriage. These, I tell you, brother, you can't have one without the other."

[慧慧]

新加坡这里一些政府研究机构的做法──对于前来这里工作的外国人（包括入了美籍/澳籍的中国人），给予相应津贴（住房津贴，孩子教育津贴等），鼓励他们举家前来，做法非常人道友善，更有利社会稳定团结。

[melly]

Obviously, it is not a unique phenomena occurring in Chinese families. Long distance relationship is not an ideal state. However, maybe it is a new style of marriage in new age and new society. I did not understand why many Chinese couples lead a separate life even both of them were working in the States before. Now I start to understand. The reason is just like what the report describes.

Marriage is an art. So is occupation, I guess.

Thanks for sharing, really a good topic.