mimangzhong
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Dr. Joe原创系列 2 学生英语作文评讲
Dr. Joe Original Writing Series 2
Dr. Joe英语原创系列 2
Student Writing Sample
学生英语作文评讲范例
【Dr. Joe Original Writing Series is the original writing works by Dr. Joe. All rights reserved. Dr. Joe 原创系列是Dr. Joe原创作品。版权所有 侵权必究】
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Prompt [作文题目]
“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
Imagine the above quote is your own work and expand this quote into a full essay with no more than 400 words. It can be about any proper topic. Due Nov 12 2016.
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The Student Original [学生原文]
Milton Hershey
“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” This quote by Martin Luther King Jr means that you have to keep moving forward no matter how tough or hopeless your life can be. You can’t give up even on the edge of failure. That is how Milton Hershey, an American manufacturer and philanthropist who founded the Hershey Chocolate Corporation made Hershey’s.
When Milton was young, he was a dreamer who always had his eye out for the next big opportunity. However, Henry Hershey lacked the perseverance and work ethic to stick anything out. At the age 14, Milton borrowed a loan to start a candy shop. He worked for five long years. Hershey poured his sweat and time into the business, but success eluded him. He didn’t give up. As W.Clement Stone said, “Success is maintained by those who try and keep trying.” Milton tried his chocolate business again in more popular cities, Chicago and New York, but he failed. In 1883, he returned to Lancaster, and he was still convinced he could build a successful candy company. He started the Lancaster Caramel Company. Success soon followed. Within a few short years, Hershey had a thriving business and was shipping his caramels all over the country. While his caramel business boomed, Hershey started the Hershey Chocolate Company. His fascination quickly became focused on milk chocolate, considered a delicacy and largely the domain of the Swiss. Hershey was determined to find a new formula that would allow him to mass-produce and mass-distribute milk chocolate candy. Quickly, the Hershey Chocolate Company's success far exceeded that of Milton’s previous success. Nowadays, the Hershey’s Chocolate Company is still the biggest chocolate manufactory in North America. It has endured as one of the world's great candy makers, with brands that include Almond Joy, Mounds, Cadbury, Reese's and Twizzler. If Milton Hershey had given up, you probably wouldn’t taste the creamy chocolate that Milton Hershey had created.
Milton kept moving forward even though a lot of obstacles kept him backward.
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The Edited [老师的批讲]
Milton Hershey
“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” This quote by Martin Luther King Jr means that you have to keep moving forward no matter how tough or hopeless your life can be. [Very strong lesson in the beginning! Make sure to use it as your own words as asked by the prompt.] You can’t give up even on the edge of failure. That is how Milton Hershey, an American manufacturer and philanthropist, who founded the Hershey Chocolate Corporation made Hershey’s chocolates.
When Milton was young, he was a dreamer who always had his eye out [interesting wording] for the next big opportunity. However, Henry Hershey [Who was this Henry?] lacked the perseverance and work ethic to stick anything out. [Any important change asks for a new paragraph.]
At the age 14, Milton borrowed a loan to start a candy shop. He worked for five long years. Hershey poured his sweat and time into the business, but success eluded him. He didn’t give up. As W.Clement Stone said, “Success is maintained by those who try and keep trying.” Milton tried his chocolate business again in more popular cities, like Chicago and New York, but he also failed. [another big change]
In 1883, he returned to Lancaster, [What state? Or even what country? Tell me!] and he was still convinced he could build a successful candy company. He started the Lancaster Caramel Company. Success soon followed. Within a few short years, Hershey had a thriving business and was shipping his caramels all over the country. While his caramel business boomed, Hershey started the Hershey Chocolate Company. His fascination quickly became focused on milk chocolate, then considered a delicacy and largely the domain of the Swiss. Hershey was determined to find a new formula that would allow him to mass-produce and mass-distribute milk chocolate candy. Quickly, the Hershey Chocolate Company's success far exceeded that of Milton’s previous business success. [Time change means new paragraph.]
Nowadays, the Hershey’s Chocolate Company is still the biggest chocolate manufactory [This is the outdated word today.] manufacturer in North America. It has endured as one of the world's great candy makers, with brands that include Almond Joy, Mounds, Cadbury, Reese's and Twizzler. If Milton Hershey had given up, you probably wouldn’t have tasted the Hershey's creamy chocolates that Milton Hershey had created.
Milton kept moving forward even though a lot of obstacles kept him backward. How about you? [Make the individual lesson applicable to all the readers.]
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Dear Student,
It is my pleasure first to listen to your legendary chocolate story with encouraging moral included. In the first place, who doesn't like a nice little bar of chocolate?
Certainly your writing has some issues we need to address. Please read the edited version for the details. Something I need to reemphasize here is the writing prompt (instruction). You are asked to "Imagine the above quote is your own work and expand this quote into a full essay," which means you don't want to say "This quote by Martin Luther King Jr" in the writing. In addition, this shouldn't be a story with a lesson, but an essay supported by an amazing story. The difference is an essay should use most of the content arguing for your point while a story is more focused on the details. In a test, writing type inconsistent with the requirement is one major source of low marks. Hope this will get your attention from now on.
By the way, I always love the never-give-up personal endeavor. For that, I say "Thank you!"
Dr. Joe
