打油版亚裔家长廿七态

亚裔家长廿七态（27 Signs You Were Raised By Asian Immigrant Parents）




引子

美国社会熔炉哉，
世界各族移民来。
钢铁炼成子一代，
争做中流砥柱材。

东亚巨变日战败，
韩战冷战越战排。
战争和平阴晴改，
难挡移民蹈海来。

故国无宁浮桴海，
新邦容安须寻宅。
胼手砥足求survive，
打拼苦尽甘才来。

贫寒如我留学来，
学成归化就业乖。
也有居家迁徙快，
更有逃身自怒海。

徒唤天下父母奈，
半世操劳头都白。
更叹移民家长哉。
背井离乡多为孩。

东西教育差异在，
西山放羊东灌溉。
虎妈藤妈出东海，
兔爹牛爸呲牙待。

孩子未来家未来，
老牛拉车尽力载。
护犊有劲休见怪，
不到成年岂放开。

人离祖国音不改，
故土习俗更捎带。
待人接物土气派，
子女教育常瞎掰。

己不觉察旧俗在，
狐狸尾巴露出来。
见怪不怪子女怪，
搞笑编此廿七态。


27 Signs You Were Raised By Asian Immigrant Parents  Specifically East Asian (Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, etc.)


1.Before prom, your parents had stern words for your date:


1
高中毕业成人礼，
PROM晚会娃娃比。
家长资助专买衣，
二三百元订晚礼。

男孩父母最在意，
晚会儿邀谁家女。
女孩家长悬口气，
谁家儿郎带女去。

儿请女友很秘密，
家长屡问竟口闭。
父母只好小心翼，
设计跟踪悄揭谜。

同学家长通消息，
交换情报各取需。
脸谱上面寻踪迹，
毕竟老爹老狐狸。

顺藤摸瓜摸到底，
背景模样汇报妻。
晚会围校车转急，
老爸请妈按相机。

谜解孩就没脾气，
父母赶紧表美意。
啥时邀她来家里？
要不两家吃饭去?

听此儿更烦意起，
爹妈管事啥都及。
捕风捉影瞎着急，
其实邀舞纯友谊。

2.On vacations, your parents took photos like this:


You laughed, rolled your eyes, but years later you realize you should've taken more photos of them.
Via: m.lolsnaps.com

2

孩子眼中父母另，
一起照相难为情。
动作夸张摁快门，
连摆pose笑煞人。



3.They did this at the fruit aisle:



3
东方父母智慧发，
最囧商场买西瓜。
一个一个拍听掐，
常常生蒌抱回家。



4.And ordered hot water at restaurants.


Source: electricgale.tumblr.com


全家出门入餐馆，
几杯开水最先点。
餐馆若只备冰块，
微波快热花时间。


5.They coached  you on starving before a buffet and gorging only on rib eye and  lobsters. Seafood-phobes were deadweight in buffet Olympics.


跃跃欲试自助餐，
之前节食肚饿扁。
摩拳擦掌店里见，
摇摇晃晃开始选。
专吃牛排烧熟烂，
更喜龙虾贵海鲜，
比谁吃多腹便便，
简直堪比奥运练。


6.When the bill came, older relatives fought, i.e., yelled and screamed in the middle of the restaurant, for the right to pay.


Via: justkiddingfilms.net


6
餐馆聚餐将近完，
各家首脑吵翻天。
都是争先抢埋单，
土豪大款侠气显。
老美看得直瞪眼，
以为抢钱要动拳。
差点报警桌下潜，
见此儿女愧连连。


7.Some distant  cousin or family friend's son/daughter is always being trotted out as a  paragon of perfection that you're falling short of.


Source: zazzle.com


7
爹妈烦人爱攀比，
总把亲戚邻居提。
设个榜样好成绩，
拐弯抹角激励你。

他们在家搞刺激，
出门又都胡吹嘘。
望子成龙凤成女，
尽在刺激吹嘘里。


8.When you got sick, your parents fed you bitter herbal brews, or sent you to weird bruising traditional treatments:

It didn't actually hurt, but you were always afraid someone would report you to Child Services when you changed for gym.


Source: youtube.com

8
当你小病小灾起，
优先中医来治疾。
苦口良药海碗提，
银针火罐皮肉激。
害你GYM不敢去，
更不敢随便脱衣。
斑痕累累隐血迹，
就怕有人报警急。

9.Your mom's always convinced it's too cold without a jacket outside.

And you would never, ever, leave the fan on when you're sleeping.

Via: youtube.com


9
家里固然很暖宜，
娘觉外边冷无比。
每次你出大门去，
她都立马追送衣。
加你厚衣强迫披，
还硬扣帽趁头低。
经常室外暖天气，
害你半道汗兮兮。

10.Your relatives stuffed you with awesome food. And they didn't hesitate to comment when your waistline ballooned.

Expert food trolls, those Asian aunts.

Via: fucking-hyolyn.tumblr.com

10
父母移民非孤立，
多有七叔八大姨。
每次你到Ta家去，
所有好吃全喂你。

11.You ate savory breakfasts littered with jarred pickles. Rice was always involved.

Source: 4.bp.blogspot.com

11
早餐顿顿味道咸，
咸蛋卤蛋加泡饭。
腐乳难闻尝却鲜，
各种泡菜大小盘。

12.When they visited you, they always crashed on some relative's couch, or kicked you out of your own bed.

They were convinced hotels were a rip-off.



12
远道来访不住店，
说店敲杠太费钱。
毫不客气你床偏，
亲戚亲近啥不嫌。

13. The remote control is wrapped in plastic wrap.

Source: ressacjane.blogspot.com

13
爱惜东西非一般，
啥都包裹严又严。
遥控器外塑料缠，
手机小心贴膜面。


14.For a  household that was low on luxury, there were a lot of foot massagers,  back massagers, massage hammers, and massage accessories.

Via: themetapicture.com


14
虽然身心俱操劳，
却爱修身养性操。
太极八卦跆拳道，
假装关公舞大刀。

按摩装置家不少，
肩膀后背腿和腰。
也有木勺痒痒挠，
按摩木屐更硌脚。

15.Your mom put fluffy dried pork into your sandwiches, and your friends said it looked like hair.

Scarred for life.

Source: seriouseats.com


15
自制三明治难看，
肉脯肉松加个遍。
学校同学好奇观，
说多黄发夹里边。

16.Your fridge was packed with jars whose labels never matched the food within.

You also saved every jar to store pickled stuff.

Source: bangkokgoplay.pixnet.net

16
冰箱从来装满满，
大大小小瓶瓶罐。
罐装个个错标签，
各种泡菜吃饭搬。


17.You only had bowls. No plates.

Source: pzed


17
家里到处都是碗，
碟盘常常难找见。
筷子一撅就都断，
不断从来也不换。

18.The dishwasher was used only as a drying rack.

Source: 3.bp.blogspot.com


18
洗碗机的用处变，
只做储碗加风干。
自动洗碗从不练，
号称省水也省钱。

19.In the drawers were free napkins, cups, utensils, and mini shampoo bottles your parents hoarded from hotels.

Also shower caps, though no one in your family has ever used one before.

Source: pakermonkey.blogspot.com


19
抽屉杂物花样显，
很多顺手自旅馆。
肥皂牙膏洗头液，
没用也拿已花钱。


20.Saturdays,  you studied your parents' native tongues. Sundays, you practiced an  instrument. Your dad was rad if he let you pick the guitar.

Via: castnet.nctu.edu.tw

20
除了学校课程管，
课外活动逼你干。
周六中文补习班，
周日钢琴请教练。
如果你抱吉他谈，
爹就跟你急红眼。
看你沉溺游戏玩，
怒不可遏娘网关。

21.Your friends were always wondering why your parents were arguing. That's just how they speak.

Via: shutterstock.com


21
父母说话声音大，
让人听着疑吵架。
你在身边很尴尬，
恨不找个地缝钻。


22.Everyone was your aunt or uncle, but you had no idea if they were actually related to you.

Also your parents called each other Mom and Dad instead of their  first names. In fact, you didn't even know adults had first names.




22
叔叔阿姨到处见，
是啥血缘搞不掂。
只叫姓氏混不堪，
名字从来忘脑边。


23.You know what durians smell like.

Source: hungrytravels.com


23
多有雅习吃榴莲，
你闻味道就鼻掩。
热带水果味奇变，
何止榴莲闻与见。


24.People always assume that you're related to another Lee/Chung/Nguyen/Hong/Kim that they know.

Source: daves4

24
亚裔扎堆学校惨，
同姓氏者整个班。
李陈吴洪金张阮，
以为全有亲血缘。



25.Nothing will stop your aunts from trying to set you up with royal bores with Ivy League degrees.

"Mom, we have nothing in common." "But she's a doctor from Harvard!"

Source:


25
见名同姓自藤校，
就当榜样跟你唠。
既然同族能达到，
你该尽力也去搞。


26.Every year, you got money in red envelopes on New Year's.

Source: kristinandkayla.com


26

亲戚朋友过节到，
每年都给大红包。
他们也不望回报，
长辈只想晚辈好。


27.Finally: Your parents gave you everything they had and spent nothing on themselves.  They know firsthand the dangers of the world, and their work isn't done  until they see you settled and safe.

Their clothes are 20 years old, but they sent you to college. They  may be too stoic to say, "I love you," but you know they do, and you  wouldn't change anything! Thanks, Mom and Dad!




27

咱爹咱妈如此搞，
前面已列廿六条。
当年赴美路迢迢，
忆此他们泪就飚。
所作一切为孩好，
毫无保留铺儿道。
惨痛教训故园消，
勤勉经验新家找。
世界奇幻也危妙，
切身遭遇说与晓。
引咱上路他们笑，
等你平安父母老。


他们旧衣又旧袍，
廿年不买新裤袄。
送你大学去深造，
节俭家用掏腰包。


只有母语呱呱叫，
他们英文待提高。
他们也不亲情矫，
“I love you”心想难口道。
你知他们自人小，
养你教你从襁褓。
护你顾你阳关道，
行动远胜言语表。


父母之恩平凡耀，
默记于心细微晓。
得此机会假搞笑，
实向他们谢意表！