Competence
We know that competence in adults is a prerequisite to achieving academic and professional success. But what is competence in children?
Competent children are free enough from emotional issues to tackle the age-appropriate developmental tasks of each stage of development, master them, and emerge with greater confidence.
Children who see themselves as competent and capable feel powerful. They are more likely to be resourceful, to believe in themselves, to attempt difficult challenges, and to exhibit resiliency in the face of setbacks.
How can you help your child develop competence, which is really a mix of confidence, resourcefulness, and capability?
1. Let him try to do it himself from the earliest age. Rein in your own impatience. That doesn’t mean abandoning him to it. Stand by, smiling, ready to be helpful in whatever way actually helps your toddler -- BUT keep your mouth shut and your hands to yourself except to give appropriate encouragement, unless you REALLY need to help physically.
Clucking anxiously about how worried you are as he climbs that play structure may make you feel better, and it may impress the other parents on the playground with your attentiveness, but it won't help your child. In fact, it unintentionally limits him.
Just ask if he is keeping himself safe, then stand by and spot him. Smile proudly. Say "Look at you! I knew you could do it!" (And if he falls, you’re there to catch him. Which is, after all, what allowed him to try it.)
2. Help her build confidence by tackling manageable challenges with your assistance. Emotional development researchers call this "scaffolding," which could be defined as the framework you give your child on which she builds. You demonstrate, or use words to suggest a strategy, or simply spot her, which helps her to succeed when she tries something new.
These small successes achieved with your help give her the confidence to try new things herself. Scaffolding also teaches children that help is always available if they need it. You want your kids to know that deep in their bones before they hit adolescence.
3. Don’t set him up for failure. Intervene early and offer structure to help him succeed. Should you step in when you see failure ahead, or "let him learn a lesson"? Always a hard call.
Rescuing children can prevent them from learning important lessons. But research shows that children who see their parents stand by and let them fail experience that as not being loved. Instead of learning the lesson that they should have practiced that clarinet, or read the directions on that science kit, they learn the lesson that they are failures, that they cannot manage themselves, and that their parents did not care enough to help them not be failures or teach them to manage themselves.
But isn't stepping in “rescuing them?” That all depends on how it's done. If you take over the science fair project and do half of it the night before it's due, that's worse than rescuing: not only does your son learn that you will bail him out if he goofs off, he learns that he is incompetent.
But if you help him each step of the way to organize his ideas and his work, BUT resist the impulse to improve on the project yourself, he completes the job, hugely proud, and having learned something about how to plan and execute a complex project.
4. Praise effort, not results. "I see you worked so hard on this." "Wow! You didn't give up!" Of course it isn't perfect. She's a child. And even if it is great, the point is never the product -- you don’t want her resting on her laurels at the age of six, or sixteen. Your goal is for her to keep trying, practicing, improving, and for her to learn that hard work pays off.
5. Teach self-encouragement. Model maxims to repeat as mantras when the going gets tough. "Practice makes perfect!" and "If you don't succeed, try, try again!" and "I think I can, I think I can!" may all be propaganda, as one of my friends remarked, but those kinds of sayings can work remarkably well to manage ourselves in the face of frustration.
When your son goofs a piece on the piano and has to start over, or your daughter strikes out with the bases loaded, they need an automatic internal comforting voice to encourage and motivate them. Otherwise the harsh criticizing voice steps in, triggered by the disappointment. This kind of self-talk has been shown to improve our ability to master difficult tasks, as opposed to the self-disparaging comments many of us automatically make.
6. Model positive self-talk. If something negative about your child -- or, equally important, about yourself -- starts to come out of your mouth, bite your tongue. Most parents know better than to say "What an idiot!" to their child (and most of them are able to stop themselves), but a surprising number see nothing wrong with berating themselves that way in front of their kids. Whatever you model, your child will learn and will emulate. Just train yourself not to do it. (It certainly isn't good for you, either. Would you let anyone else talk to you that way?)
7. Manage frustrating circumstances. There’s a trend in child-raising philosophy that maintains that children learn best with reasonable doses of frustration. It’s true that we all learn from overcoming challenges, but we always need to ask, what is a reasonable dose? We also learn best when we experience success, which motivates us to tackle more difficult challenges. Mastery begets mastery. Failure sets up a cycle of lack of confidence, giving up and more failure.
Your child will naturally develop the ability to handle increasing amounts of frustration and anxiety as he attempts more difficult challenges. But those frustrations are inherent in growing up and are guaranteed aplenty in life. There is no benefit whatsoever to setting your child up for extra frustration or negative experience. In fact, he will see your doing so as evidence of your lack of caring (which is always translated in his mind as his lack of value.)
When your child does encounter frustration, remember that your empathy will be a critical factor in his overcoming it.
8. Affirm your child’s ability to impact the world. Competence and feelings of mastery are about power and derive from a child's experience of herself as having an effect on the world. "If I stand on the stool, I can flip this light switch and light up the room!"
All children will experience reasonable limits to their power (“I can't make the rain stop, and neither can Mommy"), but the more your child has opportunities to make a difference in the world, the more she will see herself as capable.
9. Minimize the number of times your child gets the message that her actions don't matter. The earliest lessons are the ones that have the most power throughout our lives. Beware of sleep training (letting babies "cry it out"), for instance, which gives babies the message that they are powerless; that no matter what they do they cannot summon the help they need.
10. Foster Responsibility, Good Judgment, Optimism and Persistence, all related traits that increase your child's competence level. For more ideas on encouraging these characteristics, check out those sections on this site.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/emotionally-intelligent-child
