长篇小说《错乱年华》第二十三章: 朗馨聆听安往事

        美国。费城。 

        朗馨一觉醒来，觉得浑身发冷。她挪挪身子，觉得四肢无力，才知道自己在发烧。她硬撑着坐起身，下了床，把皮箱打开，想找从国内带来的退烧药。她冰凉的手，不意地又触及了箱底那张破碎的结婚照。朗馨把它拿出来，不知是因为头晕还是眼花，她看见仲平在相框里蔑视地朝她冷笑。朗馨禁不住背上发寒，想起凉亭躲雨后，自己和顾宇生有了身体的接触，才意识到自己正在同时欺骗着两个男人。她觉着无论对乐仲平还是对顾宇生，自己都是在做贼；但，如果说心虚，那似乎只是对顾宇生才有， 因为，他对朗馨来说，太无辜。这样想着，她下意识地把那照片面朝下， 死死地塞到箱底，又用几件秋衣压住，才觉得心安一点。这时，有一只蟑螂鬼鬼祟祟地从箱底爬出来，探探头，挥了挥触角，又缩回了箱底。朗馨觉得奇怪，最近自己的房间怎么总有蟑螂，只是不多，就那么一两只。朗馨急忙翻起皮箱， 那诡诈的蟑螂早已逃窜了。 

        她从一个塑料袋拿出两粒退烧药，就着水，喝下去，又手脚冰冷地回到床上躺下。朗馨看看表，见已过了十点，心想：耽误了戴维斯教授的早课；不过还好，下午没课了……对了，还得去和规划项目小组碰头。勋这个人，好象比戴维斯教授还要急似的，总是催碰头，交进度报告， 真是……朗馨想着想着，昏沉沉地入了梦境。 

        她梦见一只怪物，有着骆驼般的身子，恐龙的头型，还有大象的鼻子， 在追她。街上仿佛有许多人在看她热闹，没人帮忙。朗馨的腿又重又软， 两个胯根本带不动它们。眼看那大怪物就追上来了，朗馨突然看见乐仲平和顾宇生同时站在一个高台上，就象见了救星一般，求他俩帮忙，把自己拉上去。可他们都摇着头，只是得意地笑。朗馨又无助地往前跑，她恨自己的腿怎么这么不争气，动一步都那么的艰难。她挣扎着拼命往前迈进，仿佛来到了自己幼年生长的家属大院：泥泞地，三层楼，四个单元。朗馨知道她的家曾经就在那第三个门洞的一层。她仿佛看见了希望。可那楼虽然就在眼前，却怎么也走不近它。 

        眼见大怪物就要追上来了，朗馨忽然看见泥泞的地上有一个圆形玻璃器皿，有着长长的瓶颈，里面半盛了水，有一个黄色的塑料小鸭子浮在水面，几根水草漂呀漂的。她急忙上去打开玻璃器皿的盖子，露出里面的水。果然，那怪物见了水，就一下把长鼻子伸进了玻璃瓶口儿，被卡住 了。朗馨吃力地来到了三单元，进了左边的门。按说，这门本应有三家人的，李妈妈家，是个寡妇，带着两个儿子；钟老师家，是一对夫妇；还有朗馨幼年的家。三家人每家一间房，公用一个厨房，一个蹲式厕所。可怎么这里的境况竟全都变了呢：每个门都挂着黑帘子，走廊也暗得几乎看不见，一点人气也没有。朗馨绝望地去敲自家的门，见上面贴了一个黑色的字条：朗馨，我们走了，你姐姐……” 

         “姐姐，姐姐……”朗馨呼喊着，从梦中惊醒。她出了一身冷汗：奇怪，怎么做了这么个怪梦。爸妈走了？他们难道没和姐姐在一起吗？ 难道姐姐的病加重了？那仲平在梦见死不救，他知道自己变心了？…… 那好像还可以理解，但阿生呢？他也是袖手旁观地在看自己逃命的笑话呀？！ 还有那拼凑成的大怪物，又代表什么呢？朗馨解不了这个怪异的梦，就起了一股冲动，想给龙潭打个电话，告诉顾宇生自己今天身体不适，可能不去做工。但她还是忍住了：第一，她仍旧心里存侥幸，希望自己能去龙潭， 挣为数可观的小费；第二，顾宇生很忙，她不想耽误他做工；第三，她不愿意自己现出个病人的模样，让顾宇生来探视。这样一想，朗馨便打消了打电话的念头。她摸了摸自己的额头，汗已褪去，额头冰凉凉的，的确是退烧了。她下了床，披了件厚毛衣，拿着口杯下楼，准备去厨房弄点儿奶喝。 

        她来到厨房，打开冰箱，正准备倒奶，只听安从身后跟她打招呼： “Good morning, Langxin. How are you this morning?”(“早安，朗 馨。今天早晨你过得怎么样？”)朗馨虚弱地说：“I am fine. What about you?”(“我挺好。你呢？”）安叹了口气，说：“Not very good. Langxin，do you have some time now?”(“不怎么样。朗馨，你这会儿有时间吗？”)朗馨点点头，倒了大半杯牛奶，勉强地撑着劲儿说： “Probably in the morning. This afternoon, I have classes and a group meeting. Do you need me for something?”(“可能早晨有点时间。下午，还有课和小组碰头会。你有什么事吗？”) 安瞪着两只渴望的大眼睛，直率地说：“Can you spend half an hour with me? I will pay you $10 for this.”) (“你能帮我半小时吗？我付你十美元。”) 说完，就走到操作台旁，打开咖啡壶，开始做咖啡。 

        朗馨这才回想起上星期，安的心理治疗师离开了费城，安求过朗馨做她心理治疗的听众，当时朗馨也答应了。可现在安提出来，朗馨有些不情愿。因为，她的确因为发烧而有气无力；再说，下午的小组碰头会多少还得准备准备；最重要的，自己现在最需要的是睡觉，其他的什么也不想做。可她不想让安失望，觉得她挺可怜。不知怎的，每次见到安，她就会想到自己的姐姐。虽然，姐姐得的不是心理病，安得的不是肌体病，但她们俩其实一样，都是病人，需要别人的关心。更何况，只要半小时，就赚十美元，可以顶点伙食费。这样一想，朗馨忍住身体的不适，微笑着说： “Okay. When do you want to get started? What do I need to bring?”(“好啊，你什么时候想开始？我需要带什么吗？”) 安感动地说：“You don't need anything but ears.” (“除了带耳朵，其他什么也不需要。”） 

        朗馨喝完牛奶，回到房间，梳洗完毕，换了便装，来到二楼安的卧室。 她见门虚掩着，就敲了敲，里面没人回应。她又敲了敲，还是没人回应， 便推门进去，里面黑暗暗的一片，什么也看不清；空气中，散发出一股不清洁的怪味。朗馨大声喊道：“Ann, Where are you ?”(“安，你在哪 儿？”) 仍旧没人理会。朗馨抬脚走了几步，一个趔趄，差点被绊倒。她低头一看，原来是踢倒了一个半空的大饮料瓶。那瓶子被朗馨踢倒了， 里面的饮料流了出来。朗馨又提高了声音，说：“Ann, where are you? I accidentally knocked down your drink. I need some towels.”(“安，你在哪儿呢？我不小心把你的饮料弄倒了。你有擦纸吗？”)  

        这一喊，安才象幽灵一般出现在朗馨的面前。她说：“Here, clean with this shirt.”(“来，用这个 T 恤衫擦。”) 说完，用脚从身边的地上拨拉过一件 T 恤衫，压在流出的饮料上。朗馨吓了一跳，问： “Where have you been?”( “ 你去哪儿了？” ) 安说 ： “Make everything dark to get ready for my session.”(“进入黑暗状态， 准备开始心理治疗。”) 朗馨皱皱眉，看看周围的黑暗，开始感到安确实是个心理不正常的病人，她提议说：“Ann, Its too dark. Let's turn the light on.) (“安，这太黑了，咱们把灯打开吧。”) 安边让朗馨和她对坐下来，边说：“No, no light. The darkness in this room makes me feel safe.”(“不, 不要开灯。这房间的黑暗， 让我感到安全。”)  

        朗馨越发感到自己对面坐的这个女人，是病态的。她谨慎地清了清嗓 子，问：“What happened? Why is that you feel this way?” (“发生什么了？你为什么怕光呢？”) 安的身体突然控制不住地抖动起来，她问朗馨: “Are you scared of the darkness when you were a child?”(“你的童年怕黑吗？”) 朗馨点点头，说：“Yes. Most children are scared of the darkness.”(“怕。大多数孩子都是怕黑 的。”) 安进入了一种在往事中行走的状态，说：“But, in my childhood, I was scared of the light. Darkness was my shield.) (“但是，我的童年, 是怕光的。黑暗是我的庇护所。”) 

        “Since I was born, I have never seen my mother, nor do I really know who my father was. The man that I've known as my father is the one who took away my virgin.”(“从我出生，我就没见过我母亲，我也不知道我的父亲究竟是谁；那个我从小称之为父亲的 人，是第一个占有我身子的人。) 朗馨瞪大了眼睛，几乎不敢相信她的耳朵，她强忍住震惊，继续安静地做听众，让安把那折磨她的往事毫无保留地倾吐出来。  

        安停了片刻，往痛苦的最深处走去：“His name is Allen. I've been calling him daddy since I was little. He was the closest person to my life. At that time, we lived in northern New York State. He was very nice to me. Every night, he would read stories to me, and then let me sleep in his arm. Every Christmas Eve, he would take me to the hill behind our house and we would dig a fresh little pine tree to take home. He would sing Christmas songs to me and I would fall to sleep in his lap. The very next Christmas morning, when I woke up, I would see nice gifts under that Christmas tree. I loved him, just like a daughter would love her father, and had no suspicion or caution.”   
(“他的名字叫爱伦。从我记事起，我就叫他爸爸，他是我身边最亲近的人。当时，他带着我住在纽约州的北部。他对我很好。每天晚上，总是给我讲故事，然后搂着我睡。每年圣诞夜的晚上，他总会带我到后山，挖一棵很小的野生松树，带回家来。他会给我唱圣诞歌，然后哄我在他的怀里睡去。圣诞节的早晨，我一醒来，就会在那棵散发着松香的小树下，发现一些可爱的礼物。我爱他，正如女儿爱父亲，没有任何遮掩和提防。”)  

        “But, from when I was nine years old, this man that I regarded as my father, began to approach my body and expose my body under bright light. I wanted to sleep by myself, but he said all the fathers and daughters would sleep together. When we slept together, he asked me to touch his private parts and told me that this is how a daughter would show love to her father. I was scared and the fear occupied my life. Every day, before he came back home, I would hide in the dark storage house in the backyard. If he could not find me, he would curse me and my mother. I wanted to flee but the fear of him conquered me. I lived in such kind of life until I was thirteen.”  
(“可是，从我九岁开始，这个被我称为父亲的人，就开始接近我的身体，而且每次都开着明灯。我提出要自己睡，他却说，所有的女儿都是和父亲睡的，我们睡在一起的时候，他就让我去摸他的私处，说这是父亲对女儿爱的表现。我很怕，每天都生活在一种战战兢兢之中。当我知道他要回来之前，就躲在后院的一个黑暗的储藏房。如果他找不到我，就会暴跳如雷，恶狠狠地骂我和我母亲。我也想过逃，但那惧怕他的魔掌一直笼罩着我。这种状况，一直持续到我十三岁。”) 

        “I started to hate him. One day, once again, he forced me to sleep with him. With trembled voice while I backed up, I said: “If you draw one step closer to me, I am going to call the police.” His face suddenly became twisted. He said to me: If you dare to call the police, your destiny is going to be the same as your mother.I screamed and asked who on earth is my mother? Where is she? Who are you? If you are my father, why do you hurt your daughter? He became crazy and laughed: your mother is a bastard. She married me because I got good money as a salesman always on business trip. However, she cannot sustain the loneliness and had an affair with a man. One night, I came back from the business trip and saw your mother was sleeping with that man in our bed, with no clothes. Later, you were born and your mother left you with me, and ran away with that man. Don't you understand? You are not my child，you are fathered by that man. After I heard what Allen had said, I began to understand:  After all these years, he raised me, just for the sake of taking my body, insulting me, and to revenge his failure with my mother.” 
(“我开始由怕他变得恨他。有一天，他又来逼我跟他同睡。我一边退缩着，一边说：如果你再靠近我一步，我就要报警。他的面目突然变得无比狰狞，说：你敢报警？那你的结果就会和你母亲一样悲惨！
我就大哭着问：我的母亲到底是谁？她在哪儿？你又是谁？如果你真是?我的父亲，为什么会侵犯自己的女儿？！他疯狂地哈哈大笑，说：你的母亲是一个贱货。她好暮钱财，就嫁给了我这个常年在外奔走的推销员， 她奈不住寂寞，就在外面有了情人。有一晚，我出差回家，一开门，就看见你母亲和他的情人赤裸裸地抱在一起，熟睡在我们的床上。后来，你母亲生了你，就把你留下，和那个男人跑了。你明白吗？你根本就不是我的孩子，是你母亲和那个人的种！听了爱伦的独白，我明白了：这些年， 他把我养大，就是为了占有我，侮辱我，为了报复他在我母亲那受到的羞辱。”  

        说到这，安停下来，唇口干裂，朗馨就递给她一杯水，说：“Ann, do you want to tell more? Maybe, we can continue next time.” (“安，你还想说吗？也许，我们可以下次再谈。”)  

        安好还停留在她青少年的世界，又接着说道：“When I was sixteen, I was pregnant. Yes, I was pregnant with Allen's baby. When the baby was six month old, Allen had a car wreck. He left this world with his evil deed, but I have to continue to live and suffer. I had always wanted to verify whether I was Allen's daughter or not. On that day, when Allen's memorial service was held, I took several of his hair and did a DNA test. Allen……He is my biological father! But he had always thought I was the child fathered by my mothers lover. I could not tolerate my horrible deeds. I could not face the result of my horrible action. I drowned my baby. She was only seven month old. I am a killer. I am the one who killed my own child, but what kind of child is she? A child fathered by her mother's own father! If she was to live in this world, how would she survive in such a shame? ” 
(“十六岁那年，我怀孕了，对，怀孕了，和爱伦。当孩子六个月的时候，爱伦出了车祸。他带着罪恶离开了这个世界，而我，还得继续在罪孽的深渊中煎熬。我一直很想弄清自己到底是不是爱伦的女儿。于是，就在为他出殡的那天，我取了他几跟头发，拿去做了 DNA 测试。罪孽呀，罪孽！原来，爱伦，他，他就是我的亲生父亲！可他却一直以为我就是他妻子在外面和别人生的种！我忍受不了自己犯下的罪孽，更不能面对罪孽的果子。我就把那可怜的孩子在水里淹死了。那时，她才七个月。我是个凶手，杀死自己孩子的凶手。可是，天哪，那到底是个怎样的孩子啊！一个女儿和他父亲乱伦的种子！她要是活着，又能凭什么名分在这个世界生存呢？！”) 

        讲到这，安突然失控了，她站起来，拼命地用头去撞墙，歇斯底里地狂叫着，象一头发疯的母狮，喊着：“I am the one who killed my own child, a child that should not be given birth to!” (“是我亲手杀了自己的孩子，一个原本就不应该存在的孩子！”) 

        朗馨感到安的疯狂就象决堤的洪水一般，势不可挡。她站起来，没有去阻止安。理智告诉朗馨，安身体的发泄也是倾吐痛苦的一个必要过程。 

        过了一会儿，安终于平静了下来，蓬头垢面，额头上碰出一块淤血。 此时的安，已从旧事的折磨中走了出来，恢复了常态，她招呼朗馨在原位坐下，说：“Did I scare you? What you've heard and seen are my past life. They are my problem.”（“我吓坏你了吧？你刚才听到 和看到的，都是我的过去，是我的心病。”） 

        朗馨伸出手，握紧安的手，关爱地说：“Ann, do you feel better now?”（“安，现在你感觉好受多了吗？”）安平静地点点头，摸了摸额头。朗馨又说：“Did David know what you've told me?” (“你刚才说的这些事，大卫知道吗？”) 安点点头，无奈地说：“He listened to my story before. These past several years, he got tired of it and is no longer willing to hear.” (“以前他还听。这几年，他听腻了，再也不想听了。”)  

        朗馨轻轻地说：“Ann, things happened more than 30 years ago. Allen already died, the baby also died, but you are alive. I very much understand your misfortunate childhood, but they have become past. They should not be the rock that stuck in the way； instead you should use them as experience to guide your present life. Ann, David is a good person; he is warmhearted, hardworking, and has a loving heart. If you believe in God, then you should believe that God already took the devil away from your life, and placed an angel next to you. It's time to start your new life, look……”（“安，事情已过去三十多年了。爱伦死了，那孩子也死了，可你还活着。我非常理解你不幸的童年，但它们都过去了，成为往事。它们不应该成为你日常生活的绊脚石，而应该成为你继续好好活在这世上的借鉴。安，大卫是个好人，热心，勤快，有爱心。如果你信上帝的话，你就应该相信，上帝已把你身边的魔鬼除掉，又把一个天使安放在你的身边。开始新的生活吧，你看……”） 

        朗馨站起来，走到那对关得紧紧的厚窗帘旁，用力一拉：阳关毫无保留地斜射了进来，滤出房间飞浮的灰尘，吓跑了地上的一群正在肮脏中寻欢作乐的蟑螂。安象是坐了电椅一样，从座位上跳了起来，战战兢兢地说：“Please, please don't. I don't want light. I am scared.” （“请不要，我不要光。我害怕！”）看见朗馨被一束阳光沐浴着，安仿佛真的看到了天使一般，她痴痴地问：“Langxin, tell me, where should I start my new life?”(“朗馨，那照你说，我应该从哪儿做起？”) 朗馨走过去，把安也拉进太阳的光辉，又给了她一个结实的拥抱。她感到拥抱安的感觉和拥抱姐姐的感觉是一样的，只是姐姐的身子要小的多。朗馨说：“Ann, do you know? You already started the first step: you opened the window, you let the Sun shines onto you, and you received the warmth of the Sun.”(“安，你知道吗？ 你已迈出了第一步：那就是，你打开了窗户，让阳关照射自己的生活，勇敢地接受了太阳的温暖。”)  （完）