You've Got Mail

1/5 Very First Zinger





       JOE
 Kathleen Kelly.  Hello.  What a
 coincidence.  Mind if I sit down?

       KATHLEEN
 Yes I do.  I'm expecting someone.

Joe picks up her book, looks at it.

       JOE
 Pride and Prejudice.

Kathleen grabs it back.

       KATHLEEN
 Do you mind?

She places it back on the table, puts the rose into it.

       JOE
 I didn't know you were a Jane Austen
 fan.  Not that it's a surprise.  I bet
 you read it every year.  I bet you just
 love Mr. Darcy, and that your sentimental
 heart beats wildly at the thought that he
 and whatever her name is are really,
 honestly and truly going to end up
 together.

       KATHLEEN
 Would you please leave?

Joe sits down.

       KATHLEEN
 Please?

       JOE
 I'll get up as soon as your friend comes.
 Is he late?

       KATHLEEN
 The heroine of Pride and Prejudice is
 Elizabeth Bennet and she's one of the
 greatest, most complex characters ever
 written, not that you would know.

       JOE
 As a matter of fact I've read it.

       KATHLEEN
 Well, good for you.

       JOE
 I think you'd discover a lot of things if
 you really knew me.

       KATHLEEN
 If I really knew you, I know what I would
 find -- instead of a brain, a cash
 register, instead of a heart, a bottom
 line.

Kathleen is shocked at herself.

       JOE
 What is it?

       KATHLEEN
 I just had a breakthrough, and I have to
 thank you for it.  For the first time in
 my life, when confronted with a horrible,
 insensitive person I actually knew what I
 wanted to say and I said it.

       JOE
 I think you have a gift for it.  It was a
 splendid mixture of poetry and meanness.

       KATHLEEN
 Meanness?  Let me tell you --

       JOE
 Don't misunderstand me, I'm just paying
 you a compliment.

He lifts the book off the table.  Kathleen grabs for it.

       KATHLEEN
 Why are you doing this?

She manages to get the book, leaving Joe with the rose.

       JOE
 What have we have?  A red, no, crimson
 rose, tucked into the pages.  Something
 you read about in a book, no doubt.  One
 of those books with a lady in a nightgown
 on the cover about to throw herself off a
 cliff.

She holds her hand out for it.

       KATHLEEN (cont'd)
 Give it to me.

Joe puts it between his mouth and his nose like a mustache.

       JOE
 It's a joke to you, isn't it?
 Everything's a joke to you.

She grabs the rose.  Puts it back in the book.

       KATHLEEN (cont'd)
 Please leave.  I beg you.

JOE
 Kathleen Kelly.  Hello.  What a
 coincidence.  Mind if I sit down?

       KATHLEEN
 Yes I do.  I'm expecting someone.

Joe picks up her book, looks at it.

       JOE
 Pride and Prejudice.

Kathleen grabs it back.

       KATHLEEN
 Do you mind?

She places it back on the table, puts the rose into it.

       JOE
 I didn't know you were a Jane Austen
 fan.  Not that it's a surprise.  I bet
 you read it every year.  I bet you just
 love Mr. Darcy, and that your sentimental
 heart beats wildly at the thought that he
 and whatever her name is are really,
 honestly and truly going to end up
 together.

       KATHLEEN
 Would you please leave?

Joe sits down.

       KATHLEEN
 Please?

       JOE
 I'll get up as soon as your friend comes.
 Is he late?

       KATHLEEN
 The heroine of Pride and Prejudice is
 Elizabeth Bennet and she's one of the
 greatest, most complex characters ever
 written, not that you would know.

       JOE
 As a matter of fact I've read it.

       KATHLEEN
 Well, good for you.

       JOE
 I think you'd discover a lot of things if
 you really knew me.

       KATHLEEN
 If I really knew you, I know what I would
 find -- instead of a brain, a cash
 register, instead of a heart, a bottom
 line.

Kathleen is shocked at herself.

       JOE
 What is it?

       KATHLEEN
 I just had a breakthrough, and I have to
 thank you for it.  For the first time in
 my life, when confronted with a horrible,
 insensitive person I actually knew what I
 wanted to say and I said it.

       JOE
 I think you have a gift for it.  It was a
 splendid mixture of poetry and meanness.

       KATHLEEN
 Meanness?  Let me tell you --

       JOE
 Don't misunderstand me, I'm just paying
 you a compliment.

He lifts the book off the table.  Kathleen grabs for it.

       KATHLEEN
 Why are you doing this?

She manages to get the book, leaving Joe with the rose.

       JOE
 What have we have?  A red, no, crimson
 rose, tucked into the pages.  Something
 you read about in a book, no doubt.  One
 of those books with a lady in a nightgown
 on the cover about to throw herself off a
 cliff.

She holds her hand out for it.

       KATHLEEN (cont'd)
 Give it to me.

Joe puts it between his mouth and his nose like a mustache.

       JOE
 It's a joke to you, isn't it?
 Everything's a joke to you.

She grabs the rose.  Puts it back in the book.

       KATHLEEN (cont'd)
 Please leave.  I beg you.


2/5 Nothing But a Suit



       KATHLEEN
 No, I won't.  Because the man who's
 coming here tonight is completely unlike
 you.  The man who is coming here is kind
 and funny -- he has the most wonderful
 sense of humor --

       JOE
 But he's not here.

       KATHLEEN
 If he's not here, he has a reason,
 because there is not a cruel or careless
 bone in his body.  I can't expect you to
 know anything about a person like that.
 You've nothing but a suit.


NY 152



INT. SIDEWALK CAFE - ANOTHER DAY

Kathleen and Joe having nachos.

       JOE
 So he didn't exactly answer.

       KATHLEEN
 He did too.  He nailed me.  He knew
 exactly what I was up to.  Which is just
 like him.

       JOE
 But he didn't exactly answer, did he?
 Did he?

       KATHLEEN
 No.

       JOE
 Maybe he's fat.

       KATHLEEN
 I don't care about that.

       JOE
 You don't care that he might be one of
 those guys who's so fat he has to be
 removed from his house with a crane?

       KATHLEEN
 That's very unlikely.

       JOE
 Why else do you think he's putting off
 meeting you?  Although... maybe that's
 not it.  Maybe...

       KATHLEEN
 What?

       JOE
 Never mind.

       KATHLEEN
 What????

       JOE
 He could be waiting til he's paroled.

       KATHLEEN
 Oh, you won't believe this, there was a
 moment when George thought he might be
 the rooftop killer, which was completely
 ridiculous --

Her voice trails off, as she considers whether it could be
true.

       JOE
 What's his handle?

She shakes her head.

       JOE
 Come on, I'm not going to write him.  Is
 that what you think?

       KATHLEEN
 NY 152.

       JOE
 One five two.  One hundred fifty two.
 Very interesting.  He's 152 years old.
 He has 152 hairs remaining on his head.
 He's had 152 moles removed and now he
 has 152 pockmarks.

EXT. FARMER'S MARKET ON BROADWAY - LATER

As they walk past tables of bread and flowers, etc.

       JOE
 His combined college board scores.

       KATHLEEN
 His IQ.

       JOE
 The number of women he's slept with.

       KATHLEEN
 The number of times he's seen The
 Godfather.

       JOE
 That's the first good thing I've heard
 about him.

       KATHLEEN
 His address.  No, no, no.  He would never
 do anything that prosaic.


4/5 What If



       JOE
 Sometimes I wonder...

       KATHLEEN
 What?

They stop walking, they look at each other.

       JOE
 If I hadn't been Foxbooks and you hadn't
 been The Shop Around the Corner and we'd
 just met --

       KATHLEEN
 Don't.

       JOE
 I would have asked for your phone number
 and I wouldn't have been able to wait 24
 hours before calling and asking, "How
 about coffee, drinks, dinner, a movie,
 for as long as we both shall live?"

       KATHLEEN
  (almost a swoon)
 Joe...

       JOE
 And then we would never have been at war.

       KATHLEEN
 No.

       JOE
 The only fight we'd ever have is what
 video to rent on Saturday night.

       KATHLEEN
 Who fights about that?

       JOE
 Some people.  Not us.

       KATHLEEN
 We would never.

A long beat.

       JOE
 If only...

       KATHLEEN
 Please.  I have to go.

She doesn't move.

       JOE
 Let me ask you something?  How come
 you'll forgive him for standing you
 up and you won't forgive me for a
 little tiny thing like putting you
 out of business?

Kathleen looks at him.  Shakes her head.

They look at each other.

       JOE
 Oh how I wish you would.

It's all Kathleen can do not to forgive him.

It's all Joe can do not to kiss her.

       KATHLEEN
 I really do have to go.

       JOE
 You don't want to be late.



5/5 I Wanted It To Be You




Kathleen looks at her watch.

Suddenly she hears a noise.  A dog barking.

And Brinkley comes around the corner.

       VOICE
 Brinkley!  Brinkley!

And hold on Kathleen as she sees.

JOE

And she starts to cry.

And he comes to her.  And puts his arms around her.

       JOE
 Don't cry, Shopgirl, don't cry.

       KATHLEEN
 I wanted it to be you.  I wanted it to
 be you so badly.

And as they kiss, we hold on them.

And crane up and away as we see them, a couple kissing in the
park on a beautiful spring day.

A dog is leaping around them.