The timid bully; and other problem species
I'd know a school bully anywhere. He's a squinty-eyed, scowly-faced boy (hat worn backward) who scares little kids out of their lunch money. Even if your image is somewhat different, I think we'd both agree that he's mean and disdains those "weaklings" he picks on.
And, we both might be wrong.
Researchers Todd Kashdan, Patrick McKnight, Anthony Richey, and Stephan Hofmann have recently found that at least some of those tough bullies might actually feel on the inside more like their victims - vulnerable and highly anxious (see Sciencedaily.com; Some bullies are just the shy type). This perspective, of course, is totally different from the socially-hardened, conduct-disordered kid we tend to picture. And, it suggests different kinds of interventions to reduce bullying at schools. Rather than just using disciplinary action, these children can also learn to acknowledge their emotions, inhibit their impulses, and use more socially constructive ways to react socially.
In reading about this study, I was struck by how the findings also apply to so many other circumstances. People often misunderstand the motivation behind what others do. For instance, sometimes when a wife views her quiet husband as uncaring, that same husband is busy showing, rather than speaking, his affection -working extra hours so that she can decorate their home as she pleases, or so that their children can have a better education. And, sometimes an employee views a supervisor as critical while that supervisor sees himself as "spurring growth."
The important point here is not which perspective is right; usually, both have some validity. Rather, it is often more helpful to evaluate each perspective to determine whether it provides an opportunity - for personal growth, growth in a relationship, or for problem-solving. So, if there is a socially anxious bully at school, I'd suggest that his victims learn to stand strong, that the school appropriately discipline the bully, and that some qualified counselor teach the bully how to manage his social anxiety. If you relate more to the husband or supervisor examples, I'd suggest opening up a dialogue with those people (for a brief description of how to do this, see Partner not hearing you? How to communicate effectively).
For me, the most important take-away from the study by Kashdan and others is that we need to carefully consider the possible motivations driving those around us. By understanding where they are coming from, we have taken an important first step in working with toward a better place.
Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps is a clinical psychologist in private practice and is on the medical staff at Somerset Medical Center in Somerville, NJ.
