One of the great paradoxes of life is that conflict occurs most frequently between people who love each other: Husbands and wives, parents and children, siblings and siblings. It is in these relationships that we are most likely to find people fighting.
I am going to focus here on marriage, spending a little time on why couples fight, and then making a few suggestions as to how they might avoid having these fights escalate into all-out marital warfare. I'm not going to show this to my wife, because she'll probably criticize what I've written, since she doesn't really appreciate me, even after all I've done for her!
Anyhow, why do husbands and wives fight, and what can they do about it?
First off, they fight because, whether or not men are truly from Mars and women from Venus, or that was just a cute metaphor to sell millions of books, the fact is that men and women are different. We don't understand each other, we never will understand each other, and no matter how hard we try not to, we will inevitably say the wrong thing.
There is a theory that the fault here lies mainly with men, and some men guiltily go along with this. Not me. The other day I was talking to a woman I know and like, and she said, referring not just to her own husband, but to men in general, "Men are babies."
"Babies?!" I cried out. "Why do you say that? Why? Why? We're not babies, we're not, we're not!"
She smiled.
Men are also accused of being insensitive, of not noticing the nonverbal cues to how their wives are feeling. An almost sure fight-starter for many couples is the husband actually believing his wife is feeling good when he asks her how she's doing and she says, "Fine."
But women have their own issues. Woe to the man who doesn't quickly realize that for many women, how they look is one of the most important things in their lives. And while in most aspects of marriage, honesty is the best policy, here is a place where there is only one answer to a question. When he hears "How do I look?" a man should reflexively say, "Great."
Blind men should say it.
There are many other issues that lead to marital fights, but my wife says I tend to go on too long when I discuss anything, so I'll just stop there. But as I promised earlier, I am now going to share some ways to manage the inevitable conflicts.
That's right, fights are going to happen. It's how you manage them that will determine whether or not your marriage lasts. So here are three simple suggestions to keep fights under control:
1. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. Psychologists and marital counselors agree that putting the focus on your feelings rather than your partner's inadequacies will go a long way to keeping fights manageable.
Example: Don't say, "You're an idiot!"
Do say, "I think you're an idiot!"
2. Schedule your fights. It seems natural to fight when you're angry, like right after your spouse tells you that he has quit his job to become a professional gambler. But beware. Words said in the heat of anger can do lasting damage. So bite your tongue, and as soon as the bleeding stops, say, "Let's talk about this soon, okay? How does next Tuesday morning at my lawyer's office sound?"
3. Apologize, apologize, apologize. When in doubt, say you're sorry. If your partner says, "You don't have to apologize," then apologize for the apology!
You're married. The chances are that sometime in the last hour you did or said the wrong thing, so go ahead, say you're sorry. Keep this in mind: It's better to apologize ten times when you don't have to than not to apologize once when you do. Why take chances
