黄毛和俺的 疯花谑月

最无耻的吃薯片者

老公的口号是减肥，俺的口号是增肥，老公对于薯片这种减肥大敌，向来嗤之以鼻，但是一旦有杀敌之心必然全歼。一日，俺看电视无味，找来薯片，咔咔咔，津津有味嗯……咔咔咔……。独吞毕竟不是俺的作风，老公要不要？老公无视，且，德行！不一会老公悄悄伸出手，坚定而不屑的说，就一片。俺投以鄙视的目光。咔咔，一片歼灭。然后很自然的又伸过手来，撞上我火力强大的轻蔑而鄙视的目光，老公到理直气壮，无耻的一扬脸，举着第二片薯片指着茶几上他的脚说，我是说一只脚一片！别担心老公，俺算你四只好了！

只捉弄我爱的人一

老公的一句名言就是 je n'embetais les gens que j'aime. 只捉弄我爱的人。就是说他不爱的人才懒得去使坏呢。他作弄俺最多的是吓唬俺。俺在车里聚精会神地看书或发呆，他在外面突然脸贴玻璃做鬼脸大声吼叫。得逞了就开心的像个孩子。

有一次他的袜子破了个洞让俺看，俺凑过去看，他就把他的破袜子往俺脸上一扫，俺气的一把夺过袜子按在他嘴上。之后是一场混战。他和俺闹到是舍得力气，好在俺小时候练过，还能和他支把几个回合，到后来他干脆把俺扛起来摔到沙发上，俺只好用计谋了。发出杀猪般的嚎叫，"好痛啊！！！" 老公马上慌掉，傻傻道歉，"pardon laopo，je suis désolé. " 从野兽变成绅士。真管用，俺忍着笑继续装，很严肃的训斥他。看他白痴的样子终于忍不住爆笑。老公回过神儿，又要反扑，俺马上发嗲，"老公真的很痛啊。" 老公当时咽下了这口气，说 "好, 我把袜子扔掉，睡觉了。" 俺在浴室又墨迹了会，也上了楼。刚进门，老公温存的说，快上床。咦，不符合他一贯作风啊，是不是还心有愧意啊。俺的床阿，俺没想太多就扑了过去。刚把灯关掉，一个黑影以迅雷不及掩耳之势捂住了俺的嘴。天杀的，他的臭袜子！俺搬开他的手，抢袜子抢不到，一个转身，把脚丫子放在他脸上，我踩我踩踩踩，他右手搬开俺的脚，把他的脚也往俺脸上放。俺躲，去搁肌他好放开俺的脚，然后弹他的脑嘣。他一手又抓住俺的手，一边趁机搁肌俺。两个人一边纽成一团一边笑得喘不过气儿来。他俩个手抓住俺的手，然后用一只手: 俺又是笑又是纽来扭去，彻底没劲儿了，又想起那招，"老公痛死了。" 他倒是变聪明了"你装的!" 但是手劲明显松了很多，控制在俺挣不脱的力道。俺正躺在他身上一回头用我的绝门武器，口水和舌头去舔他的脸，俺恶心死你。他被激到，猛一翻身把俺亚在他身下。俺两手上举被他的爪子死死钳着，腿也被他的腿压得快不过血了，彻底连招架的士气都没了。他露出峥嵘的面容，伸出美国大牛排似的舌头在俺脸上狂扫。刚才洗脸都没洗这么彻底啊，啊恶心死俺啦。呜呜呜

只捉弄我爱的人二

半夜起夜，做梦都是马桶像床一样的，怕弄醒他，没开灯，下床，下楼，路过厨房，看着窗外黑压压背后有点冒凉气，进了洗手间。爽了。打开洗手间的门，关灯，出来，迷迷糊糊向前，向前。突然感到一只手抓住了俺的小腿，鬼！小偷！顿觉气冲百会，恐具遍布全身直达头皮，爆发出惨绝人寰的叫声啊！！！ 小腿一个反射一蹦三尺高。然后就听到他那得意而且相当满意的哈哈大笑。俺仍惊魂未定，那个挨千刀的！！！！他居然半夜跟我起来下楼, 然后猫在冰箱后面吓唬俺！！！

变成中国人

我拆掉唐装上的一条黑色毛毛领，突发奇想，死磨硬泡盘在老公的黄毛上拍了几张照片，得给我妈寄去看看你变成中国人的样子啊，哈哈。欺负够老公，然后去泡澡做面膜，出来懒懒的靠在老公身上看电视。把那条黑毛毛忘得一干二净。突然老公很认真地说，我发现这段时间吃大米吃中餐，我的毛发变黑了。且，哪有。真的，不信你看看，他指了指小裤裤。我当然坚信那是不可能的，却鬼使神差的冒出好奇心，拉开他的小裤裤，探过头去。“啊！怎么真变黑啦“ 我大脑一时休克竟然没反应过来着实被吓了一跳，他拉出黑毛毛哈哈大笑到没气！狂懊悔自己好猪头啊！！

光头老公

同学看到老公bloc上的照片，亲切友好的赞到，你老公很酷啊，光头啊。嗯！? 好好看看黄毛短寸，前面中间是个发尖，两边比较秃但因为是油性皮肤所以常年锃光瓦亮，他又挺胸昂头，难怪不小心看成个秃子。老公曾难过得跟我说，他妹妹发现他前面两边的头发越来越少了。我安慰他说，是啊像个小兔子尾巴啦，没关系咱把这点掉光安个假辫子就直接可以当清朝人啦。

飞行员老公

洗完澡换好睡衣，我窝回沙发看电视，老公还不出来，一会听到他用奇怪的声音叫我 老婆。

一回头竟然看到他把我白天穿的棕色丝袜套在头上，两个丝袜筒在他耳朵边耷拉下来，像两个辫子，一副小丑模样。看的我又好气又好笑。命令他赶快拿掉。他到听话，乖乖跑回浴室，不一会又出来，这回竟然把我的黑色海绵bra戴在他套着丝袜的头上，在下巴底下刚好扣好挂钩！头套着丝袜，bra的老公神情庄重的挺胸抬头正走过来，一个高抬腿立正，行反手军礼，Madame 我是飞行员dom为您服务！ 晕

我要跟你妈妈告状

我的老公细心的像个女人，而且会碎碎念。而我马虎的像个男人，最讨厌别人的唠叨。好，我早上打开的窗户没有关，上床之前被老公发现了，抓到现行。

“我不喜欢这样，你应该把窗户关上，这样浪费暖气，浪费电……” 嘚嘚嘚然后又来一遍。我心里好气，气得好笑，索性就咯咯的笑了起来。他更气鼓鼓的“我不觉得这有什么好笑，你应该把窗户关上…… ”嘚嘚的 天啊 更觉得好笑了。我说 “老公阿窗户没关而已啊 值得生这么大的气吗? 我就没关了，怎么啦，你要把我杀了吗？告诉你我就这样，我不是故意的，但是我一辈子都是这样的，如果你为这点小事生气，这辈子你气不过来的。这么点小事，看你没完没了地，可真是个大男人，小心眼！” 老公被偶呛得半天没说出来话，也呛得没了脾气最后委屈的说 “我就是中文不好，我要跟你妈妈告状，说你长个毒舌头。我说不过你。” 哈哈心里想老公砸这么白痴的可爱泥。嘴上趁热打火“有能耐你就说好中文告状去，我看得等十年以后了。”

Chose first name

Lao gong send me a website, there is a list of chinese first names for girl. He was very exciting and told me that we could find a name for our baby here! He don't know chinese certainly but there is pinyin and explication. So he chosed severals names seriously and showed me : huiying "like my ante's generation", lin yao "perfect jade, not bad but after his pronciation yao1, so weird" , xiao hong " o non vulgar!" and then he gave me the lien to the website for boy, there is only    so called pinyin and then he chosed one, Guan Ti,关帝 i cannot guess out what is the meaning. And then he told me "he is a god, in charge of security." and he send me his pic!!! Ooooo my god, he want to call his son Guan gong关公!    "Hahahhaa lao gong, it is tooo early to chose the name for baby, i am not in pregenant and we are not marry yet! I will tell our baby that his parents were soooo crazy to do that for him! But lao gong YOU ARE SO CUTE!!!

Jinshihou

One day we watched TV together, and he said "see, the portuguese man, they have too much chest hairs, you know we called them monkey." "Heng! For our chinese, you are the monkey!" He looked not very happy. "lao gong, you are JIN SHI HOU, monkey with golden furs!" "No, I am not a monkey!" "Jin shi hou, it is our national treasure. We love them very much and we do lots of works to protect them. Wait!" I fond some photos from internet and showed to him, frankly those photos really shocked me that Jinshihou is such a beautiful animal! Golden almost orange color furs, big round eyes and their cheek is sky blue!! "Woaww, It is beautiful, like me!!!" So after that he is happy to hear that i called him my jinshihou as his chinese signe is monkey also! And he called me little pig because i am always sleepy when i with him.

Take photo

I told lao gong that Yann (a french guy) was welcomed warmly by chinese people when he visited china, many people asked him to have a photo with. He said proudly" I will ask money for taking the photo with me when i am in china." I gave a blow upon him "o non! If you are in the nude perhaps! I could sale the ticket for you!" " I can!! I am HOU the monkey with golden furs and with the blue eyes!!!" Hahahha I have no words!!

Break air

His mother told me that this afternoon throught SKYPe, they visited a water cave and as habitude lao gong made a stupid mistake when they were in the boat. Lao gong broke his mother and told me "When you make that stupid mistake, i replied with Hi! " "Oh non that is me said HI often to you! Oooo you did it! It is too louder? hahaha" His mother sais "No yan, on contract, ahh that smells terrible!!!" "HAAAAAHAA!!" I can imagie that everyone have to stay in the boat for tolering and laughing at him. Lao gong embarrassed and was serious intentionally "In fact, that was my mother who broke wind." That is the chance to give him a lessons "O NON, i dont believe you, you often do that when we are at home!!!" "hahhahha" happy laughing from his mother.

Littel red enveloppe

During the spring festival, we were shopping in the china town. He fond the small red enveloppe and asked me "what is this pretty enveloppe for? " "That is for Children, we put paper money inside and give it to chidren for bring good luke." "I would like to buy it for you!" He thinks always that I am a child! But if he gives money to me that is not bad hehhehe..... But then i saw him chose a bunch of fake chinese paper money from the goods shelf and cried to me "Do you like this one,lao po?" !!! "NO no no lao gong, that is for dead person!!" Faint!!!!

Speak chinese

I asked lao gong speak chinese to my mother throught telephone. I teached him "wo shi huang mao, da bi zhi 我是黄毛大鼻子" = i am with yellow hair and big nose. He repeated several times and said to my mother carefully. Then i asked my mother "Do you understand?" "Da bi zhi, yes understand, but why he said that he is a striate cat (hua mao花猫)?" fainted by laughts.

Lao gong is proud to learn a little chinese by himself, one day he told me "lao po, I know what should i say to your parents in chinese!" "Really?" Then with his 2kg tongue, "To your father i will say: Wo men he yi bei ba (let's have a drink)!" hehe he caters to my father's liking. "To your mother i will say:Hao chi ji li (Delicious)!" hahaha bootlicker!!

Ask me sth

Lao gong told me that he bought a gold bracele for my birthday. I was so surprise for its expensive price. So I wrote a email to hint to him: when you give it to me you may ask me sth and i could reply you sth! He replyed: oh yes I should ask you sth, ok could you cook red meat for Friday dinner, emmmm and then washe the dishes, wash the clothes, clean the house and iron clothes mmmm lao po i don't know that i asked engough or not?    I was angry and replied him: Foxy stupid!! LL had refused his boyfriends severals times but i had never been asked!! 5555555555    "Don't worry laopo, i will ask you one day!" said by him when he put it on my wrist with romantice music and candles.

Beat et be beaten

"lao gong, you know LL asked the password of his boyfriend's email, and he gave it to her at once!"

"I will tell her bf that he should not do that! Hayaya you chinese girl!!"

"Hah! That is not me, i dont care you will connect with other girls or not, you are so ugly! Anyway, He is glad to give it to LL. In chinese that is called one loves beat and another loves be beaten!"

"I will not ask your password neither because you are ugly also! And I love beat!!!"

"Me too!!! We should practice Gongfu then!"

"Hahahaha Yes!!"

China fans

Lao gong want to change his garden, he discussed a plan with his best friend JP a professional man in this field. Then I told him that I would like to have a moon gate for entering the garden, and the bamboo beside the moon gate. And separate the garden into 2 parts, one part for planting Chinese vegetables. As a china fans, lao gong was exiting to tell JP this new plan. The second day, lao gong received a message from JP " How does a white man turn into a yellow man?!" Lao gong replied him "Like me!"

Fragile gift

Lao gong's daughter is 4 years old. She is very cute and smart. Back form the holiday, lao gong brought me 2 gifts from him- a clothes and from his mother -a bone head ornaments. When only his daughter and I get together, his daughter took the 2 gifts and asked me "Do you like your gifts? One is papa, the other is mine, it is with bone it is fragile, you should be careful with it." Bang! "Her" gift dropped on the floor from her small hand. "Haahh be careful, my dear!" i said. She found that it was not broken and took it up and said to me "ohh, you know it is very sturdy. see" then she knocked the floor again and the table and the wall with "her" "fragile gift".

Difference between Japanese and chinese

In the party with Lao gong's friends, we talked about the difference between Japanses and chinese, lao gong said "it is easy, Japanese takes always their hat of hunting fish. And they are always small but you never know what are they thinking about!"

凄婉的屁

老公來看我﹐我借了朋友的房子。去一個朋友家吃飯，回來已經半夜1點了﹐下了車﹐他到後備箱拿行李﹐我的包包裝了電腦和書特沉﹐我賴他給我拿﹐他不肯﹐說﹕自己拿自己的東西. 我就硬塞到他手里﹕誰讓你是男人﹐你肌肉比我發達﹗他就說﹕歐洲的女人都是自己拿. 我得意的說﹕我不是歐洲女人﹐活該你找我了﹐你就得拿﹗然後蹦蹦跳跳到他前面走﹐他拎着我的包開始沉默抗議. 夜深人靜﹐突然一個悽怨的屁聲打破了寧靜. 我故作平靜的回頭說﹕我知道啦﹐你说你生氣啦﹗他被我氣得笑着掄起包追打我. 跑到了門口﹐我求饒﹕老公﹐以後不敢氣的你放屁了﹗ 他又惱又氣又忍不住笑﹐一把拽過我狂吻﹗﹗﹗