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小时候我常问妈妈这个问题：为什么你和爸爸结婚四年才有我？你看别的阿姨一结婚，第二年就有宝宝了。妈妈总回答说：幸亏结婚四年才生孩子，要是和你爸一结婚就怀宝宝，生出来的就不是你喽。我为此想了几天都没想明白，要是妈妈真的一结婚就很快生宝宝，是男是女都有可能，反正就不是我了，那我将会在哪儿呢？为什么不早不晚，偏偏他们四年后决定生小孩，我就成了那个小孩，我又想，为什么有我之后不久，妹妹就出生了，若是妈妈再等四年，说不定生出个弟弟或另外一个妹妹，那也比总和这个妹妹常常拌嘴打架强呀。
事隔多年，我已完全忘记了这个只有孩提时代才问的问题，有一次我去教会，听牧师讲道，说我们都是被神捡选的人，我眼前一亮，对呀，答案有了，原来我是被神早就选定的，不单是我，所有我们在这个世上的人都是被神捡选的，否则为什么我们会降生在世上，只是很多人不愿意承认这一点罢了。
有时我偶而去教会，听牧师的讲道感觉也非常好，但看到教会很多人如醉如痴的表情，我常常有些不自在，为什么我无法做到像他们一样完全投入呢？曾经有个朋友告诉我说，你跟神的关系应该是像恋人那样，每天和他谈恋爱，将你内心所有的酸甜苦辣告诉他，她讲这话的时候，脸上的表情是那样满足，淡定，我知道她有一个非常爱他的丈夫和温馨的家庭，但她说在信主之前她不快乐，即便她的丈夫仍是那样地爱她。
和神谈恋爱，怎么谈？神不是天上的父亲吗？我不懂，但有一点我知道，神的爱是大能的，不求回报的，而我们地上的人谈恋爱却是要回报的，有谁愿意爱一个不爱自己的人而不求回报呢？即便有，那也是短暂的，是经不起时间考验的。
那么还是做神的儿女吧，小时候父亲工作太忙，不大管我，我一直觉得缺少父爱，初二时我甚至希望我的班主任就是我的爸爸。回想过去成长的经历，那时在我最渴望父爱的时候，若我知道我在天上有一个爱我的父亲，那该多好。
我曾经认识一位神父(FatherBourret)，他两年前去世，享年九十四岁，他十八岁决定跟随主并开始他的神父生涯，足迹遍布全世界每个角落，四十年代初期他曾宣教于中国，在中国一住就是八年直到解放才离开，八十年代他已七十岁高龄，还经常在苏联和美国之间奔波，为苏联争取到很多实际的经济援助，他的名字在苏联广为传颂，听我婆婆讲他在加州也是非常有威望的神父，我在婆婆家见过他几次，我婆婆对他鼎礼膜拜，我却不以为然，直到他生命的最后一个阶段我有机会零距离经常接触到他，才和他有了较深入的平等的交谈。我问他若是人生能重新来过，您是否还会选择在十八岁时做神父，他说他会的。我说您不觉得年迈时没有家人，儿女，很孤独无助吗？他说他有几百个儿女，经常打电话写信，一点都不孤独，吃住都有特别的地方照顾，连墓地都已为他预备好，在一个风景秀丽的山上。每次他到我的诊所，我都主动讲不收费，他说他曾经手过上千万的资产，却不曾为自己留一毛钱，但他又说他也不曾缺过钱，每次有需要的时候神都有为他供应。
看到这位风烛残年的老人的脸上流露着自信，满足和坚毅，他的眉眼之间透着英俊，身高六英尺，不胖不瘦，我猜他年轻时一定是个美男子，我的好奇心又驱使我问了他最后一个问题，我问到：您年轻时看得出一定很帅气，而做为神父又不能结婚成家，您曾经接触过那么多人，难道您的心就是钢铁做的，对身边的女人从没爱慕过？他说，不是的，他有动心过，好几次，但他的职责高于一切，他不能做任何神不喜悦的事。他说这句话的时候，我从他的眼神里看到坚定，无奈，深沉，久远或许还有一丝的痛苦？我说不清，只有上帝知道，一个将自己毕生的精力和青春年华献给主的人所体验的心路历程和那沉甸甸的十字架道路。
相比之下，我常常因为怕受制约而远离教会，常常怕改变自己而不去主动读圣经，我还怕读多了圣经，就少了很多属于自己的娱乐，更怕十字架会沉重的压在我的背上使我喘不过气来。唉，人生如此的短暂，到底是应该注重这短暂的几十年荣华富贵和所谓的享乐，还是要寻求更高更永久的盼望？
希望更多像我一样只体会/看到幸福一面/几面的人， 可以读到你深刻，成熟的领悟。。。从而对人生有更宽厚的理解。。。
will be their last, or your own.
Always seek to resolve your problems or disagreements with loved ones
because if either of you should pass on before, the one who is left alive
will have the rest of their life to ponder those unresolved feelings but
will never find closure. And closure usually brings
peace...
My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was such an embarrassment.
She cooked for students & teachers to support the family.
There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to
say hello to me.
I was so embarrassed.
How could she do this to me?
I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school one of my classmates said, "EEEE, your mom
only
has one eye!"
I wanted to bury myself.
I also wanted my mom to just disappear.
I confronted her that day and said, " If you're only goanna make
me a
laughing stock, why don't you just die?"
My mom did not respond...
I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because
I was full of anger.
I was oblivious to her feelings.
I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her.
So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.
Then, I got married.
I bought a house of my own.
I had kids of my own.
I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts, Then one day, my
mother came to visit me.
She
hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her
grandchildren.
When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at
her for coming over uninvited.
I screamed at her, "How dare you come to my house and scare my
children!"
GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!"
And to this, my mother quietly answered, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I may
have
gotten the wrong address,"
and she disappeared out of sight.
One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house.
So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip.
After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.
My neighbors said that she died.
I did not shed a single tear.
They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.
"My dearest son,
I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to your house and
scared your children.
I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion.
But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you.
I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were
growing up.
You see........when you were very little, you got into an accident, and
lost your eye.
As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you
having to grow up with one eye.
So I gave you mine.
I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my
place, with that eye.
With all my love to you,
Your mother.
将来有那么一天,我不忙了,我一定会去教堂.感受一下那种神圣的气氛.或许有那么一种精神存在于我们世俗生活之上.