Chapter 2 ：Mr. Fix‑It and the Home‑Improvement Commi

第二章 修理先生和改善家庭委员会

 

女人对男人最常见的抱怨是，男人不肯倾听。当女人说话时，男人不管是忽略还是听一点点，在评估过困扰女人的原因后，他们都会骄傲地戴上“修理先生的帽子”，提供一个能够令女人好过一点的解答。当她不感激这个爱的姿态时，他就觉得迷惑。不管她告诉他多少次他没在听她说话，他依旧不听，且一直做着同样的事。女人要的是感情的共鸣，但男人却以为她要解答。

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don't listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix‑It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn't appreciate this gesture of love. No matter how many times she tells him that he's not listening, he doesn't get it and keeps doing the same thing. She wants empathy (sympathy), but he thinks she wants solutions.

男人对女人最常见的抱怨，是女人总是企图要改变他们。当女人爱上男人时，她觉得有责任帮助他成长，并帮他改善他的做事方式。她会组织一个“改善家庭委员会”，男人便成了她主要的焦点。不管他如何拒绝她的帮助，她都坚持等待任何帮助他的机会或告诉他该做什么。她以为她在提携他，但他却觉得被控制了。相反的，他要的是她的接纳。

The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a Home‑Improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she persists‑waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she's nurturing him, while he feels he's being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.

这两个问题可藉由先了解为何男人提供解答、女人寻求改善来解决。让我们假装回到从前，观察火星和金星上的生活......在地球未被发现或他们未来到地球以前.....我们可以观察到男人与女人。

These two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. Let's pretend to go back in time, where by observing life on Mars and Venus ‑‑­beforethe planets discovered one another or came to Earth‑we can gain some insights into men and women.

火星人的生活习惯

WE ON MARS

火星人重视力量、能力、效率和成就。他们以实际行动证明他们的能力，并培养力量与技能。他们由达成结果的能力来诠释自己的存在意义。主要是以成功和成就来经验圆满。

Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things to prove themselves and develop their power and skills. Their sense of self is defined through their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment.

男人透过他达成结果的能力来诠释自己的存在意义。

火星上的每件事都反映这个价值，甚至身上衣服的设计也用来反映他们的技能与能力。警察、军人、商人、科学家、计程车司机、技术人员和厨师都会穿制服或至少戴帽子以表示他们的能力和力量。

Everything on Mars is a reflection of these values. Even their dress is designed to reflect their skills and competence. Police officers, soldiers, Businessmen, scientists, cab drivers, technicians, and chefs all wear uniforms or at least hats to reflect their competence and power.

他们不读“今日心理学”(Psychology Today)、(自我)(Self)、(时人)(People)这类杂志。他们比较关心户外活动，譬如打猎、钓鱼、赛车。他们的兴趣在新闻、天气、运动，不注意爱情小说和自我成长类的书。

They don't read magazines like Psychology Today, Self, or People. They are more concerned with outdoor activities, like huntM Fishing, and racing cars. They are interested m the news, weather, and sports and couldn't care less about romance novels and self‑help books.

他们对“物体”和“事情”比较有兴趣，对人们与感觉比较没兴趣。甚至在今日地球上，当女人幻想爱情时，男人幻想跑车、电脑、电器产品、新玩艺儿和更新更强的科技。男人已经先被那些可以帮助他们创造结果和完成目标，并藉此表现力量的“事情”占住了。

They are more interested in "objects" and "things" rather than people and feelings. Even today on Earth, while women fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster computers, gadgets, gizmos, and new more powerful technology Men are preoccupied with the "things" that can help them express power by creating results and achieving their goals.

完成目标对火星人而言很重要，因为那是他证明能力与自我满足的方法。为了满足自我，他必须独自完成目标，其他人不可替他完成。火星人以自力做事为荣。自主是效率、力量和能力的象征。

Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can't achieve them for hirn. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence.

了解火星人的这些特征，可帮助女人明白，为何男人这么反抗被纠正或听取女人的指挥。提供给男人他不主动请求的建议，等于断定他无法自己做事或他不知道自己该做什么，男人必会因此动怒，因为能力问题对他们而言，非常重要。

Understanding this Martian characteristic can help women understand why men resist so much being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is so very important to them.

提供给男人他不主动请求的建议，等于断定他无法自己做事或他不知道自己该做什么。

火星人惯于自己排解问题，除非他需要专家的建议，否则他不会谈论他的问题。他的理论是：“我自己可以做这件事，干嘛牵连别人。”除非他觉得需要别人协助寻求解答，否则他都自己处理问题。在自己能解决的范围内请求他人的帮忙，不啻是能力衰弱的表征。

Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. He reasons: "Why involve someone else when I can do it by myself?" He keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help from another to find a solution. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness.

但是，如果他真的需要帮忙，他就会寻找他尊敬的人来讨论他的问题。火星人与人谈论问题就是邀请对方给与建议。对方(同为火星人)也会因有此机会而觉得荣耀，他会自动戴上“修理先生帽子”，倾听一会儿之后，再提供如宝石般剔透珍贵的建议。

However, if he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honored by the opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. FIX‑It hat, listens for a while, and then offers some jewels of advice.

火星人的这种习惯成了女人提出困扰而男人本能地给与解答的问题之一。当一个女人只纯粹地分享她沮丧的感觉或宣泄她这天遇到的问题时，男人就误以为她在寻找一些专家的建议，于是他戴上了“修理先生帽子”，开始给与建议，以此示爱及尝试帮助她。

This Martian custom Is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix‑It hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and of trying to help.

他想藉由解决她的问题来帮助她好过一点，让她觉得他对她很有帮助。他觉得如果他的能力足以解决她的问题，必能得到她的尊重和爱。

He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems.

若他提供解答，她却仍沮丧不堪，他必会因解答受拒及感到自己无用而难以再倾听她的谈话。他不晓得光是专注与感兴趣的倾听，对女人而言就是支持的表现，他也不知道在金星人的世界中，谈论问题并非就是寻求解答的邀约。

Once he has offered a solution, however, and she continues to be upset it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is being rejected and he feels increasingly useless.

He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.

金星人的生活习惯

life ON VENUS

金星人重视的束西则与火星人不一样，她们重视爱、沟通、美与关系。她们花许多时间互相支持、帮助和滋养。她们透过感觉和关系品质来诠释自己存在的意义；透过分享与建立关系来经历满足感。

Venusians have different values. They value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships.

女人透过感觉和关系品质来诠释自己存在的意义。

They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.

金星上的每件事都反映这些观点。比起关心建造高速公路和高楼大厦，金星人倒宁愿关心融洽、沟通、共同创造爱地生活在一起。相处关系比工作和科技重要得多，她们的世界和火星人几乎是对立的。

Everything on Venus reflects these values. Rather than building highways and tall buildings, the Venusians are more concerned w ith living together in harmony, community, and loving cooperation. relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their world is the opposite of Mars.

她们不穿像火星人表现能力的制服，她们喜欢根据感觉每天穿不同的服饰，着重个人感觉的表现更甚于一切，她们可能会依情绪的变化，每天更换数套服饰。

They do not wear uniforms like the Martians (to reveal their competence). On the contrary, they enjoy wearing a different outfit every day, according to how they are feeling. Personal expression, especially of their feelings, is very important. They may even change outfits several times a day as their mood changes.

沟通对她们最重要。分享个人感觉比完成目标和成功更重要。彼此交谈和建立关系是满足感的最大来源。

Communication is of primary importance. To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous fulfillment.

男人很难理解这点。他只能藉由赢得赛跑、达到目标、解决问题等的满足感经验，试着接近、了解女人分享与建立关系的经验。

This is hard for a man to comprehend. He can come close to understanding a woman's experience of sharing and relating by comparing it to the satisfaction he feels when he wins a race, achieves a goal, or solves a problem.

女人倾向确立关系而非确立目标，她们比较在意表达她们的亲切、爱心和体贴。两个火星人一起吃中饭，为了解决问题，他们会一面吃饭一面讨论计画或业务，同时他们将到餐厅吃饭当成获得食物的方便途径：不必采购、不必烹饪、不必洗碗。但是对金星人而言，和朋友外出吃中饭是培养双方关系的大好机会。女人在餐厅谈话几乎可以像是心理治疗师与病人对话般的亲密和开放。

Instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented; they are more concerned with expressing their goodness, love, and caring. Two Martians go to lunch to discuss a project or Business goal; they have a problem to solve. In addition, Martians view going to a restaurant as an efficient way to approach food: no shopping, no cooking, and no washing dishes. For Venusians, going to lunch is an opportunity to nurture a relationship, for both giving support to and receiving support from a friend. Women's restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient..

金星上每个人都学习心理学，并且至少拥有咨商的硕士学位，她们非常关心个人成长、灵性，及能够帮助生命、治疗与成长的任何事情。金星中到处都是公园、完善的花园、购物中心和餐厅。

On Venus, everyone studies psychology and has at least a master's degree in counseling. They are very involved in personal growth, spirituality, and everything that can nurture life, healing, and growth. Venus is covered with parks, organic gardens, shopping centers, and restaurants

金星人具有高度直觉，几世纪以来，她们以预测别人的需要来培养直觉能力。她们以能够体谅他人的需要与感觉为荣。不必经过另一个金星人的请求就直接帮助对方，是金星人表示爱心的方式。因为金星人不认为证明能力是件多了不起的事，所以她们认为提供帮助并非唐突，请求帮助也不算能力不足。但此时男人却会觉得女人给与他未曾请求的建议是很唐突的，他觉得她不相信他有能力去完成一些事。

Venusians are very intuitive. They have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others. They pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked. Because proving one's competence is not as important to a Venusian, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn't feel she mists his ability to do it himself.

而女人全然无视于男人的这种敏感度，她认为若有人肯帮助她，那是在她的帽子上添饰羽毛，让她觉得自己可爱又受珍视；男人却以为接受帮助是软弱、没能力、不可爱的表现。

A woman has no conception of this male sensitivity because for her it is another feather in her hat if someone offers to help her. It makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved.

在金星，给与忠告和建议表示体贴，金星人坚决相信每件事都可以做得更好，她们有改进事物的天性，只要她们关心某人，她们就会毫不保留的指出如何做才能进步，并给与建议。建议与建设性批评是她们表示爱的行动。在火星则截然不同。火星人倾向解决，他们行事的座右铭是：别改变。他们的天性认为已进行的事就让它进行，他们的共同说辞是：“除非无可挽回，否则别更改。”

On Venus it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Venusians firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love. Mars is very different. Martians are more solution oriented. Ifsomething is working, their motto is don't change it. Their instinct is to leave it alone if it is working. "Don't fix it unless it is broken" is a common expression.

如果女人试着让男人变得更好，男人会认为她要改变他，使他以为他已到了不可救药的地步。女人不知道她对他的关怀可能侮辱了他，她误以为由自己在帮助男人成长。

When a woman tries to improve a man. he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn't realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.

女人放弃给与建议

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE

若不了解男人不愿接受建议的天性，女人很容易在不知不觉间伤害和得罪她最爱的男人。

Without this insight into the nature of men, it's very easy for a woman unknowingly and unintentionally to hurt and offend the man she loves most.

譬如汤姆和玛莉正要赴宴，汤姆开车，二十分钟后，他在同一个区域重复绕了好几分钟，玛莉马上知道他迷路了。她建议他打电话求助，汤姆随即沉默不语。他们虽然终于抵达宴会场所，但整晚却都弥漫着紧张的气氛。玛莉不了解汤姆为什么会难过。

For example, Tom and Mary were going to a party. Tom was driving. After about twenty minutes and going around the same block a few times, it was dear to Mary that Tom was lost. She finally suggested that he call for help. Tom became very silent. They eventually arrived at the party, but the tension from that moment persisted the whole evening Mary had no idea of why he was so upset.

她这方说的是：“我爱你、在乎你，所以才帮助你。”

From her side she was saying "I love and care about you, so I am offering you this help."

他那方却被激怒了，他听到的是：“我不相信你能把我们带到宴会地点，你算是无能”

From his side, he was offended. What he heard was "I don't trust you to get us there. You are incompetent!"

玛莉若不了解火星人的生活，就无法了解不靠她的帮忙而顺利达到目的地对汤姆是何等重要。我们已经探讨过，火星人只有在别人要求时才给与建议，尊敬另一个火星人的方式是，除非他请求帮忙，否则就一直假定他能解决他自己的问题。

Without knowing about life on Mars, Mary could not appreciate how important it was for Tom to accomplish his goal without help. Offering advice was the ultimate insult. As we have explored, Martians never offer advice unless asked. A way of honoring another Martian is always to assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help.

玛莉不知道当汤姆迷路，在同一区域打转时正是爱他、支持他的大好机会。这时候他特别脆弱，特别需要关爱。若能以不给与建议来表示尊敬他，这礼物就相当于他送她一束花或写给她一张爱的短笺一样。

Mary had no idea that when Tom became lost and started circling the same block, it was a very special opportunity to love and support him. At that time he was particularly vulnerable and needed some extra love. To honor him by not offering advice would have been a gift equivalent to his buying her a beautiful bouquet of flowers or writing her a love note.

玛莉学知火星人和金星人的不同后，她学习如何在碰到此类困难时刻帮助他。下次他迷路了，她就深呼吸，克制给与建议的冲动，心中感谢汤姆正试着替她寻路。汤姆很感激玛莉善解人意，接受他开车迷路了但相信他能找到出路。

After learning about Martians and Venusians, Mary learned how to support Tom at such difficult times. The next time he was lost, instead of offering "help" she restrained herself from offering any advice, took a deep relaxing breath, and appreciated in her heart what Tom was trying to do for her. Tom greatly appreciated her warm acceptance and trust.

一般说来，当女人提供给男人非主动请求的建议，企图帮助男人时，她完全不知道对他而看口，她可能太过挑剔、缺乏爱心。虽然她是出于爱，她的建议却会伤害他、得罪他，他的反应可能会很激烈，尤其是他可能会觉得自己像小孩一样，受到批评或看到母亲批评父亲的样子。

Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Even though her intent is loving, her suggestions do offend and hurt. His reaction may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as a child or he experienced his father being criticized by his mother.

一般说来，当女人提供给男人非主动请求的建议，企图帮助他时，她完全不知道对他而言，她可能大过挑剔、缺乏爱心。

有许多男人认为，证明他们能达到目标是十分重要的......即使是像开车到餐厅或赴宴这样的小事。讽刺的是，他对待这种小事可能比大事还敏感，他的感觉就像这样：“我如不能以到达宴会地点这样的小事取信于她，她又如何能相信我能做大事？”男人像他们的火星人祖先一样，以成为专家为荣，尤其是修理机械、抵达某地点或解决问题等。他需要她充满爱心的接受他，而不是批评建议。

For many men, it is very important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it is a small thing like driving to a restaurant or party. Ironically he may be more sensitive about the little things than the big. His feelings are like this: "If I can't be trusted to do a small thing like get us to a party, how can she trust me to do the bigger things?" Like their Martian ancestors, men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places, or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance the most and not her advice or criticism.

男人学习倾听

LEARNING TO LISTEN

同样地，男人若不了解女人与他们之间的差异，他也可能愈帮愈忙。男人必须谨记，女人是靠谈论问题获取亲密关系，而不是倚靠解答。

Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.

因此女人多数只想和丈夫分享她当日的感受，丈夫却自以为在帮助她，而提供一连串解决她问题的答案，反而使她受挫，但他却不知道这为何使她不高兴。

So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn't pleased.

女人多数只想和丈夫分享她当日的感受，丈夫却自以为在帮助她，提供一连串解决问题的答案，反而使她受挫。

譬如，玛莉这天回到家已精疲力尽，她想和丈夫分享她这天的感受。

For example, Mary comes Home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day.

玛莉说：工作太多了，我根本没有一点点私人时间”

She says, "There is so much to do; I don't have any time for myself."

汤姆说：“你应该辞职，不必做得那么累，去找一些你喜欢的事做。”

Tom says, "You should quit that job. You don't have to work so hard. Find something you like to do."

玛莉说：“可是我喜欢我的工作，只是他们过于期望我在短时间内改变一切事。”

Mary says, "But I like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment's notice."

汤姆说：“别听他们的，只要做你能做的就好。”

Tom says, "Don't listen to them. just do what you can do."

玛莉说：“我正是这么做。真不敢相信，我今天竟然忘了打电话给我姑妈。”

Mary says, "I am! I can't believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today."

汤姆说：“别担心，她应该会了解你很忙。”

Tom says, "Don't worry about it, she'll understand."

玛莉说：“你知道她怎么了吗？她需要我。”

Mary says, "Do you know what she is going through? She needs me."

汤姆说：“你太会担心了，才会这么不快乐。”

Tom says, "You worry too much, that's why you're so unhappy."

玛莉生气地说：“我并不是常常不快乐，你可不可以只听我说？”

Mary angrily says, "I am not always unhappy. Can't you just listen to me?"

汤姆说：“我正在听。”

Tom says, "I am listening."

玛莉说：“为什么我还是这么烦呢？（真不知道我为什么自找麻烦？）”

Mary says, "Why do I even bother?"

谈过话后，玛莉比她刚回家期待亲热与安慰时更失望，汤姆也失望地不知道到底哪儿出了毛病，他想帮忙，但解决问题的策略却没奏效。

After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived Home seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem‑solving tactics didn't work.

汤姆不了解金星人的生活，所以他不知道光只是倾听而不提解答有多重要，他的解答只会把事情愈弄愈糟。你看，金星人谈话时从来不提供解答，尊敬另一个金星人的方法是耐心倾听，感同身受地了解对方的感觉。

Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn't understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other's feelings.

汤姆不知道感同身受的倾听玛莉传达她的感觉，可使她得到极度的松懈与满足。而当汤姆了解了金星人的生活及需要的谈话后，他逐渐学习如何倾听。

Tom had no idea that just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Tom heard about the Venusians and how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.

现在，玛莉精疲力尽地回来后，他们的对话有了显著的不同：

When Mary now comes Home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this:

玛莉说;“太多工作了，我没有一点私人时间”

Mary says, "There is so much to do. I have no time for me."

 汤姆深深吸进一口气，缓缓呼出，说：“你今天好像很累。”

Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, "Humph, sounds Ii ike you had a hard day."

玛莉说：“他们期待我在短时间内改变一切事，我不知道怎么办。”

Mary says, "They expect me to change everything at a moment's notice. I don't know what to do."

汤姆稍停后说：“嗯。”

Tom pauses and then says, " "H|mmm."

玛莉说：“我竟然忘了打电话给我姑妈。”

Mary says, "I even forgot to call my aunt."

汤姆轻轻皱眉说：“哦，不太应该。

” Tom says with a slightly wrinkled brow, "Oh, no."

玛莉说：“她现在很需要我，我觉得很难过。”

Mary says, "She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad."

汤姆说：“你很有爱心，来，来这儿，让我抱抱你。”

Tom says, "You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug."

汤姆抱着玛莉，玛莉在他怀里松懈地大叹一声。然后说：“我喜欢和你说话，你让我真正感到高兴，谢谢你当听众，我现在好多了。”

Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, "I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better."

汤姆也感到愉快，他很惊讶自己学习倾听后，太太就变得比较高兴。汤姆认知了他们之间的差异后，他学习不提供解答只倾听的智慧，而玛莉也学习不提供非请求的建议与批评，学习忍耐与接受的智慧。

Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

总结我们在关系中最常犯的错误有：

To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:

1.男人常以“修理先生”自居，提供解决问题的答案来去除女人的难过感觉。

I. A man tries to change a woman's feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix‑It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.

 2.女人尝试以“改善家庭委员会”的姿态和提供非请求的建议、批评，来改变男人的错误行为。

2. A woman tries to change a man's behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the Home‑improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

 

IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX‑IT AND THE Home‑IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE

 我指出这两个主要错误，并不是说“修理先生”和“改善家庭委员会”所做的每一件事都是错的。火星人和金星人都有许多正面特性，以上所讲的错误只是发生在时机及方法上而已。

In pointing out these two major mistakes I do not mean that everything is wrong with Mr. Fix‑It or the Home‑improvement committee. These are very positive Martian and Venusian attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach.

 如果女人难过时，男人没有以修理先生的姿态出现，女人会十分感激他。男人必须谨记：女人在难过及谈论她的问题时，并不是提出解答的时机，她需要人家倾听她说的话，然后会自行调整情绪。她不需要一位“修理先生”。

A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix‑It, as long as he doesn't come out when she is upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.

只要符合需要，男人会很感激“改善家庭委员会”。女人必须谨记：非请求的建议或批评——尤其在他犯错时，会使他觉得受控制、没有爱。为了从错误中学习，他需要她的接纳甚于她的建议。如果男人感到女人并没有要控制他，他会更想请她给他回馈或建议。配偶若抗拒我们，可能是我们在时机和方法上犯了错。，值得我们更进一步探讨这部分的细节。

A man greatly appreciates the Home‑improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism­especially if he has made a mistake‑make him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, 'In order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman Is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.

Understanding these differences makes it easier to respect our partner's sensitivities and be more supportive. In addition we recognize that when our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. Let's explore this in greater detail.

了解男女的差异，使我们比较容易尊敬配偶的敏感，并成为另一半的支持者。另外，我认为配偶若抗拒我们，可能是我们在时机和方法犯了错

如何处理女人的抗拒

WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN'S SOLUTIONS

 女人抗拒男人提供的解答时，他会觉得自己的能力受到怀疑，因而感到不受信任、不被感激，然后从此停止照顾。可理解的是，他愿意倾听的热情必也大打折扣。

When a woman resists a man's solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.

 只要记得女人从金星来，男人此时就能转而了解她为何会抗拒他。他会反省和发觉在她需要感同身受与滋润时，他可能给的是她不需要的解答。

By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing.

以下是一些男人可能犯下无视于感觉与直觉，或提供女人不需要的解答的例子，看你能不能辨别为何她会抗拒：

Here are some brief examples of ways a man might mistakenly invalidate feelings and perceptions or offer unwanted solutions. See if you can recognize why she would resist:

 

1你不应该过分操心。

I. "You shouldn't worry so much."

2我不是那样说的。

2. "But that is not what I said."

3这没什么了不起。

3. "It's not such a big deal."

4是，我很抱歉，我们可不可以把不愉快忘了。

4. "OK, I'm sorry. Now can we just forget it."

5为何你不着手去做呢？

5. "Why don't you just do it?"

6我们谈了呀！

6. "But we do talk."

7你不应该觉得受到伤害，我不是故意的。

7. "You shouldn't feel hurt, that's not what I meant."

8你想说什么？

8. "So what are you trying to say?"

9你不该这样想。

9. "But you shouldn't feel that way."

10你怎能这样说？上个星期我整天和你在一起，我们处得很好。

I0. "How can you say that? Last week I spent the whole day with you. We had a great time."

11好吧，把它忘了吧。

II. " OK, then just forget it."

12好，我会清理后院，你高兴了吧！

I2. "All right, I'll dean up the backyard. Does that make you happy?"

13我总算让你知道这是你该做的事。

I3. "I got it. This is what you should do."

14看吧，我们束手无策了。

I4. "Look, there's nothing we can do about it."

15如果你抱怨做那些事，那么就不要做。

I5. "If you are going to complain about doing it, then don't do it."

16你为何让人家那样对待你？别理他们吧！

I6. "Why do you let people treat you that way? Forget them."

17你如果不高兴，我们只好离婚。

I7. "If you're not happy then we should just get a divorce."

18好，你现在就可以做了。

I8. "All right, then you can do it from now on."

19从现在开始，我会掌握它。

I9. "From now on, I will handle it."

20我当然关心你，其荒谬。

20. "Of course I care about you. That's ridiculous."

21你了解重点了吗？

2 I. "Would you get to the point?"

22我们必须做的是……

22. "All we have to do is...

23事情不只这样而已。

23. "That's not at all what happened."

 

每一句话，不是要消除就是要解释难过的感觉，或者提供一个可以突然将她沮丧的感觉改为积极感受的解答。男人改变此模式的首要步骤是，停止类似以上的“建议”(我们会在第五章做完整的探讨)。总之，练习倾听，不必提供消除难过的方法或解答，是重要的步骤。

Each of these statements either Invalidates or attempts to explain upset feelings or offers a solution designed suddenly to change her negative feelings to positive feelings. The first step a man can take to change this pattern is simply to stop making the above comments (we explore this topic more fully in chapter 5). To practice listening without offering any invalidating comments or solutions is, however, a big step.

男人若能清楚了解引起女人抗拒的不是解答本身，而是提供解答的时机和方式不对，那么他就较能处理女人的抗拒。学习倾听后，他会逐渐体验到女人对他表示难过时，由于他的倾听，她会更感激他。

By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions, a man can handle a woman's resistance much better. He doesn't take it so personally. By learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.

如何化解男性抗拒心态

WHEN A MAN RESISTS THE Home‑IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE

男人抗拒女人的建议时，她会觉得他好像不在乎她；她觉得她没受到尊重，因而她理所当然以为自己没受到支持，再也不相信他。

When a man resists a woman's suggestions she feels as though he doesn't care; she feels her needs are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops trusting him.

这时，若她记得男人从火星来，她就会转而了解为何他抗拒她。她会反省和发现她可能给了他非请求的建议或批评，而不是单纯地与他分享她的需求，提供资讯，或请求他做事。

At such times, by remembering that men are from Mars, she can instead correctly understand why he is resisting her. She can reflect and discover how she was probably giving him unsolicited advice or criticism rather than simply sharing her needs, providing information, or making a request.

女人在无意中可能提供了无恶意的批评，引起男人的抗拒。当你探讨下列这些短例时，请记住：这些小事可能会造成抗拒与怨恨的大隔阂。有些评注隐含了建议或批评。看你能不能辨别为什么他会觉得被控制。

Here are some brief examples of ways a woman might unknowingly annoy a man by offering advice or seemingly harmless criticism. As you explore this list, remember that these little things can add up to create big walls of resistance and resentment. In some of the statements the advice or criticism is hidden. See if you can recognize why he might feel controlled.

 

1那东西你早就有了，为什么还想买？

I. "How can you think of buying that? You already have one."

2那些盘子还是湿的，干了后会留下水迹。

2. "Those dishes are still wet. They'll dry with spots"

3你的头发已经太长了，不是吗？

3. "Your hair is getting kind of long, isn't It?"

4那里有个停车场，把车子开过去。

4. "There's a parking spot over there, turn [the car] around."

5你要和朋友相处，我呢？

5. "You want to spend time with your friends, what about me?"

6你不应该工作得这么累，休息一天吧。

6. "You shouldn't work so hard. Take a day off."

7不要把东西放在那里，会弄丢。

7. "Don't put that there. It will get lost."

8你应该叫水电工人来，他知道怎么做。

8. "You should call a plumber. He'll know what to do."

9为什么我们要排队候位？你没有预约晤？

9. "Why are we waiting for a table? Didn't you make reservations? "

10你应该多花时间和孩子在一起，他们很想你。

I0. "You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you. "

11你的办公室乱七八糟，你在那里怎么思考呢？你什么时候可以把它清一清？

II. "Your office is still a mess. How can you think in here? When are you going to clean it up> "

12你又忘了把它带回家，也许你可以把它放在一个你会记得的特殊地方。

I2. "You forgot to bring it Home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can remember it."

13你开得太快了，慢下来，不然会被开罚单。

I3. "You're driving too fast. Slow down or you'll get a ticket."

14我们下次得先看电影预告。

I4. "Next time we should read the movie reviews."

15我不知道你在哪里(你应该打个电话回来)。

I5. "I didn't know where you were." (You should have called.)

16有人喝了果汁。

I6. "Somebody drank from the juice bottle."

17别用手指拿东西吃，这是个坏榜样。

I7. "Don't eat with your fingers. You're setting a bad example."

18这些薯片太油腻，对你心脏不好。

I8. "Those potato chips are too greasy. They're not good for your heart."

19你没有留足够的时间给自己。

I9. "You are not leaving yourself enough time."

20你应该提前通知我，我无法马上放掉每件事跟你去吃中饭。

20. "You should give me more [advance] notice. I can't just drop everything and go to lunch with you."

21你的这件衬衫和裤子不配。

2I. "Your shirt doesn't match your pants."

22比尔打来三次了，你什么时候可以回他电话？

22. "Bill called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?"

23你的工具箱乱七八糟，我什么都找不到，你应该把它整理好。

23. "Your toolbox is such a mess. I can't find anything. You should organize it."

 

当女人不知道该如何直接请求男人的支持(第十二章)，或积极分享她的意见时(第九章)，她可能会觉得若不给与非请求的建议或批评，她就无法得到她的需求(稍后会再探讨这个论点)。总之，练习接受及不要给与建议和批评，是一个重要步骤。

When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for support (chapter I2) or constructively share a difference of opinion (chapter 9), she may feel powerless to get what she needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism (again, we explore this topic more fully later on). To practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is, however, a big step.

她若清楚了解他并非拒绝她的要求，而是拒绝她接近他的方式，就不会将他的拒绝视为个人的问题，并会寻求更多支持她传达需求的方式。她会逐渐知道，当一个男人觉得问题的解答在接近他而非问题本身接近他时，他就会想要改善自己。

By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him, she can take his rejection less person­ally and explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.

当一个男人觉得是问题的解答在接近他，而不是问题本身在接近他时，他就会想要改善自己。

如果你是个女人，我建议你下星期练习克制给与男人任何非请求的建议或批评，这样你生命中的男人不只会感激你，还会对你更殷勤、更有反应。

If you are a woman, I suggest that for the next week practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you.

　　如果你是个男人，我建议你下星期开始练习倾听，不管女人何时说话，你都以尊重和了解她心情的态度倾听。当你冲动得想提供解答或改变她的感觉时，练习咬咬舌头，你会很惊讶地体验到她有多感激你。

If you are a man, I suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.