Chapter 13 : Keeping the Magic of Love Alive

 

 

第十三章     永浴爱河

 

 

        爱情关系的矛盾之一是，我们感受到彼此的爱，但突然却觉得和配偶之 间有了情绪上的距离，或以没感情的方式回应他们。也许你可以从下面的例 子中发现自己的情况：

One of the paradoxes of loving relationships is that when things are going well and we are feeling loved, we may suddenly find ourselves emotionally distancing our partners or reacting to them in unloving ways. Maybe you can relate to some of these examples:

 

     1.你可能觉得十分爱你的配偶，但隔日一早起来，却对他或她生气，这使他或她十分困扰。 

I. You may be feeling a lot of love for your partner, and then, the next morning, you wake up and are an noyed and resentful of him or her.

     2.你有爱心、耐心，能接受对方，但第二天，你却变得爱命令，事事不满意。

 2. You are loving, patient, and accepting, and then, the next day, you become demanding or dissatisfied.

     3.你无法想象有一天会不爱配偶，但隔天，你却因争论而突然想离婚。 

3. You can't imagine not loving your partner, and then, the next day, you have an argument and suddenly begin thinking about divorce.  

  4.你的配偶对你做许多有爱心的事，而你却对过去他或她忽略你。感到气愤。 

4. Your partner does something loving for you, and you feel resentful for the times in the past when he or she ignored you.

     5.你被你的配偶深深吸引，却突然对他或她的外貌感到麻木。 

5. You are attracted to your partner, and then suddenly you feel numb in his or her presence.

     6.你和配偶相处愉悦，却突然对你们的关系感到不安全或无力争取你的需求。 

6. You are happy with Your partner and then suddenly feel insecure about the relationship or powerless to get what you need.

     7.你充满自信，相信你的配偶爱你，却突然感到绝望与可怜。 

7. You feel confident and assured that your partner loves you and suddenly you feel desperate and needy.

     8.你原来很大方地给予爱，但却突然变得压抑、主观、吹毛求疵、气愤、或爱控制。 

8. You are generous with your love, and then suddenly you become withholding, judgmental, critical, angry, or controlling.

     9.你的配偶很吸引你，但当他或她作出某种承诺后，你对他或她却失去注意，或转而寻找更有吸引力的人。 

9. You are attracted to your partner, and then when he or she makes a commitment you lose your attraction or you find others more attractive.

     10.你想和配偶做爱，但当他或她主动时，你却不要了。 

I0. You want to have sex with your partner, but when he or she wants it, you don't want it.

     11.你对自己及你的生活感到满意，但突然觉得自己没有价值、被遗弃、不完美。 

 II. You feel good about yourself and your life and then, suddenly, you begin feeling unworthy, abandoned, and inadequate.

12.你这天过得很愉快，很想见到配偶，但当你看到他或她时，对方说的一些话使你失望、挫折、冷漠、疲倦或疏离。

I2. You have a wonderful day and look forward to seeing your partner, but when you see him or her, something that your partner says makes you feel disappointed, depressed, repelled, tired, or emotionally distant.

也许你注意到配偶和你有同样的改变。花片刻时间读上面的例子，想想配偶为何会突然失夫爱你的能力。也许你也同时体验了配偶的改变，夫妻今日相敬如宾，隔日反目成仇的现象是很普遍的。

Maybe you have noticed your partner going through some of these changes as well. Take a moment to reread the above list, thinking about how your partner may suddenly lose his or her ability to give you the love you deserve. Probably you have experienced his or ber sudden shifts at times. It is very common for two people who are madly in love one day to hate each other or fight the very next day.

这些突然的改变令人困惑，但却很平常。如果我们不了解发生的原因，可能会以为自己疯了，或误下断论为爱情已经死亡了。幸运的是，这种现象是可以解释的。爱情带给我们未来的感觉，这天，我们觉得被爱，隔天，我们突然害怕相信爱情。当我们面对信任接受配偶的爱时，会被拒绝的痛苦又会浮上来。 

These sudden shifts are confusing. Yet they are common. If we don't understand why they happen we may think we are going crazy, or we may mistakenly conclude that our love has died. Fortunately there is an explanation. Love brings up our unresolved feelings. One day we are feeling loved, and the next day we are suddenly afraid to trust love. The painful memories of being rejected begin to surface when we are faced with trusting and accepting our partner's love.

 

        不管何时，我们爱自己机被爱时，过去压抑的感觉会浮上心头，暂时遮 蔽了我们爱的意识。我们可能突然变得性急、自卫、吹毛求疵、气愤、爱命令、麻木不仁。 

 Whenever we are loving ourselves more or being loved by others, repressed feelings tend to come up and temporarily overshadow our loving awareness. They come up to be healed and released. We may suddenly become irritable, defensive, critical, resentful, demanding, numb, or angry.

 

        我们感觉很自在时，过去无法表达的感觉又突然浮上心头，爱情能化解这种压抑的感觉，我们逐渐地把它释放到婚姻关系上。 

Feelings that we could not express in our past suddenly flood our consciousness when we are safe to feel. Love thaws out our repressed feelings, and gradually these unresolved feelings begin to surface into our relationship.

 

        你的未解决的感觉好像要等到你感受到爱时，才跳出来等待治疗。我们都绕着过去未解决的痛苦感觉行走，那感觉在我们体内冬眠，直到我们感受到爱时、它们才冒出来。 

 It is as though your unresolved feelings wait until you are feeling loved, and then they come up to be healed. We are all walking around with a bundle of unresolved feelings, the wounds from our past, that he dormant within us until the time comes when we feel loved. Then, when we feel safe to be ourselves, our hurt feelings come up.

 

        如果能够好好处理这些感觉，我们会比较快活，潜在的创作力与爱也比较能发挥。但是，如果不治疗过去，却责备对方，只会令我们更难过，又再一次压抑自己的感觉。 

 If we can successfully deal with those feelings, then we feel much better and enliven more of our creative, loving potential. If, however, we get into a fight and blame our partner instead of healing our past, we just get upset and then suppress the feelings again.

 

          压抑的感觉如何出现  

How Repressed Feelings Come Up

 

压抑的感觉不可能出来说， “嗨，我是你过去未解决的感觉。”如果你童年时被遗弃或被拒绝的感觉出现，你会觉得被配偶遗弃或拒绝。过去的痛苦投射到目前，小事情也会变成大伤害。 

 The problem is that repressed feelings don't come up saying "FL, I am your unresolved feelings from the past." If your feelings of abandonment or rejection from childhood start coming up, then you will feel you are being abandoned or rejected by your partner. The painof the past is projected onto the present. Things that normally would not be a big deal hurt a lot.

 

       数年来，我们一直压抑痛苦的感觉，有一天，我们恋爱了，爱情使我们觉得有足够的安全开放自己、感受感觉。于是我们开始感受到过去的痛苦。 

 For years we have suppressed our painful feelings. Then one day we fall in love, and love makes us feel safe enough to open up and become aware of our feelings. Love opens us up and we start to feel our pain.

Why Coupies May Fight During Good rimes

幸福时，为何夫妻还会吵架 

         我们过去的感觉不止在我们恋爱时出现，也在我们感到幸福快乐时出现。此时，一对夫妻原本应是快乐的，却莫名其妙地吵架了。例如，在以下情况他们可能吵架：搬新家、布置房间、参加孩子毕业典礼、字教庆典、婚礼、收到礼物、度假、搭车，完成计划、庆祝圣诞节或感恩节、决定改变坏习惯、买新车、换工作、中彩券、赚大钱、决定花大钱，或有愉快的性爱时。

Our past feelings suddenly come up not just when we fall in love but at other times when we are feeling really good, happy, or loving. At these positive times, couples may unexplainably fight when it seems as though they should be happy. For example, couples may fight when they move into a new Home, redecorate, attend a graduation, a religious celebration, or a wedding, receive presents, go on a vacation or car ride, finish a project, celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving, decide to change a negative habit, buy a new car, make a positive career change, win a lottery, make a lot of money, decide to spend a lot of money, or have great love making.

 

在以上所有的这些特殊情况，夫妻双方或一方可能在事情发生前后或当时突然经历无可解释的情绪和反应。

At all of these special occasions one or both partners may suddenly experience unexplained moods and reactions; the upset tends to be either before, during, or right after the occasion. It may be very insightful to review the above list of special occasions and reflect or. how your parents might have experienced these occasions as well as reflect on how you have experienced these occasions in your relationships.

 

九＋/＋理论

THE 90/I0 PRINCIPLE

 

了解过去未解决的感觉会定期出现后，我们就更容易了解为何这么轻易就被配偶伤害了。我们有百分之九十的难过和过去有关，这使我们想不出为什么自己会莫名其妙地难过，只有百分之十的难过是和现在的经验有关。

 

By understanding how past unresolved feelings periodically surface, it is easy to understand why we can become so easily hurt by our partners. When we are upset, about 90 percent of the upset is related to our past and has nothing to do with what we think is upsetting us. Generally only about I0 percent of our upset is appropriate to the present experience.

 

让我们看一个例子：配偶若对我们有批评，我们也会觉得受伤害，但因我们是成人，有能力了解配偶不是真的批评我们，或当配偶是心情不好。这种理解可使批评不致于对我们造成太大的伤害，不会把配偶的批评当成是自己的错误。

Let's look at an example. If our partner seems a little critical of us, it may hurt our feelings a little. But because we are adults we are capable of understanding that they don't mean to be critical or maybe we see that they had a bad day. This understanding prevents their criticism from being too hurtful. We don't take it personally.

 

但换一天，配偶的批评就会造成我们很大的伤害。当他们批评时，我们过去的痛苦感觉会渐渐出现，使我们对配偶的批评更敏感，而造成很大的伤害，配偶的批评因引起我们过去的伤害而更加伤害我们。

But on another day their criticism is very painful. On this other day our wounded feelings from the past are on their way up. As a result we are more vulnerable to our partner's criticism. It hurts a lot because as a child we were criticized severely. Our partner's criticism hurts more because it triggers our past hurt as well.

 

小时候，我们了解自己是无辜，父母的否定是他们的问题，但我们却把所有的批评、拒绝和责骂都视为是个人犯的错。当这些小时候未解决的问题一出现，我们就容易把配偶讲的话当成是批评、拒绝、责骂。 

 As a child we were not able to understand that we were innocent and that our parents' negativity was their problem. In childhood we take all criticism, rejection, and blame personally. When these unresolved feelings from childhood are coming up, we easily interpret our partner's comments as criticism, rejection, and blame. Having adult discussions at these times is hard. Everything is misunderstood.

 

我们对配偶批评的反应，百分之十是来自他们的批评内容，百分之九十则和我们的过去有关。 

 When our partner seems critical, I0 percent of our reaction relates to their effect on us and 90 percent relates to our past.

 

        想象某种东西稍微刺到你的手臂或轻轻碰到你，那不会对你造成大伤害，再想象某种东西刺到你的伤口，那就会使你觉得十分疼痛。同样，当未解决的感觉出现时，我们对即使很普通的刺伤或碰撞都会很敏感。 

Imagine someone poking your arm a little or gently bumping into you. It doesn't hurt a lot. Now imagine you have an open wound or sore and someone starts poking at it or bumps into you. It hurts much more. In the same way, if unresolved feelings are coming up, we will be overly sensitive to the normal pokes and bumps of relating.

 

         关系初始时，我们也许不太敏感。过去感觉需过一段时间才会出现，但一旦出现，我们对配偶就有不同的反应。 

 In the beginning of a relationship we may not be as sensitive. It takes time for our past feelings to come up. But when they do come up, we react differently to our partners.

 

 In most relationships, 90 percent of what is upsetting to us would not be upsetting if our past unresolved feelings were not coming up.

 

 

     如何互相支持 

 How We Can Support Each Other

 

    男人的过去经验出现时，他通常会去他的洞穴，此时，他非常感激，需要别人完全的接受，而女人的过去经验出现时，也就是她自尊崩溃时，她需要温柔与体贴。 

 When a man's past comes up, he generally heads for his cave. He is overly sensitive at those times and needs a lot of acceptance. When a woman's past comes up is when her self‑esteem crashes. She descends into the well of her feelings and needs tender loving care.

 

        这些观察可以帮助你控制感觉。如果你对配偶难过，在面对他或她之前，先把你的感觉写在纸上。透过写情书的方法，你的消极感觉会自动放松，过去的伤害也会获得治疗。情书可帮助你掌握现在，让你以更信任、接受、了解与原谅的方式回应配偶。 

 This insight helps you to control your feelings when they come up. If you are upset with your partner, before confronting him or her first write out your feelings on paper. Through the process of writing Love Letters your negativity will be automatically released and your past hurt will be healed. Love Letters help center you in present time so that you can respond to your partner in a more trusting, accepting, understanding, and forgiving way.

 

        了解九十/十理论也可帮助你面对配偶的激烈反应。知道过去经验对他或她的影响，会使你更能付出了解与支持。当配偶的过去经验出现时，不要告诉他们对你的反应过度，否则会更伤害他们，如果你刺中一个人的伤疤，你还会告诉他们反应过度吗？

 Understanding the 90/I0 principle also helps when your partner is reacting strongly to you. Knowing that he or she is being influenced by the past can help you to be more understanding and supportive.

Never tell your partner, when it appears as though their "stuff" is coming up, that they are overreacting. That just hurts them more. If you poked someone right in the middle of a wound you wouldn't tell them they were overreacting.

 

了解过去的感觉如何出现，使我们更了解配偶为何会有莫名的反应，这是他们治疗的过程。给他们一些时间冷静下来重新整理自己。如果你很难倾听他们的感觉，就鼓励他们在谈难过感觉之前先给你写一封情书。 

 Understanding how the feelings of the past come up gives us a greater understanding of why our partners react the way they do. It is part of their healing process. Give them some time to cool off and become centered again. If it is too difficult to listen to their feelings, encourage them to write you a Love Letter before you talk about what was so upsetting.

 

 

       治疗信 

 A Healing Letter

        了解你的过去如何影响你的现在反应，可以帮助你治疗你的感觉。如果你的配偶在某方面令你难过，写一封情书给他，写时间自己目前的难过和过去的经验有什么关系。当你写信时，过去的记忆可能会出现，而你也会发现实际上你是对父亲或母亲难过。此时，要继续写，但对象是父母，然后附上一封爱的回应信。与你的配偶分享这封信。 

 Understanding how your past affects your present reactions helps you heal your feelings. If your partner has upset you in some way, write them a Love Letter, and while you are writing ask yourself how this relates to your past. As you write you may find memories coming up from your past and discover that you are really upset with your own mother or father. At this point continue writing but now address your letter to your parent. Then write a loving Response Letter. Share this letter with your partner.

 

        他们会喜欢听你的信。若不了解我们的过去，我们会倾向于责备配偶，或让配偶觉得被责备。

They will like hearing your letter. It feels great when your partner takes responsibility for the 90 percent of their hurt that comes from the past. Without this understanding of our past we tend toblame our partners, or at least they feel blamed.

    如果你希望配偶更在乎你的感觉，就让他们体验你过去的痛苦感觉。写情书则是让他们体验你痛苦的好机会。

If you want your partner to be more sensitive to your feelings, let them experience the painful feelings of your past. Then they can understand your sensitivities. Love Letters are an excellent opportunity to do this.

 

 

 

         难过的理由 

        YOU ARE NEVER UPSET FOR THE REASON YOU THINK

 

         当你练习写情书探讨自己的感觉时，你会开始发现难过的理由和你当初想的不一样。经历和感受更深的理由后，消极感觉消失了，正如我们会突然被消极感觉所苦，我们也会突然释放痛苦。以下有些例子： 

 As you practice writing Love Letters and exploring your feelings you will begin to discover that generally you are upset for different reasons than you first think. By experiencing and feeling the deeper reasons, negativity tends to disappear. just as we suddenly can be gripped by negative emotions we can also suddenly release them. These are a few examples:

 

        1.有天早上，吉米醒来就深深被配偶所扰，不管她做什么都打扰到他，当他写情书给她时，发现他实际上是难过母亲太爱控制他。这种感觉刚刚出现，所以他写一封短的情书给母亲。在写这封信时，他想象自已觉得爱控制时，实际上已脱离控制。写完后，他再也不对配偶难过了。 

 I. One morning Jim woke up feeling annoyed with h's partner. Whatever she did disturbed him. As he wrote her a Love Letter he discovered that he was really upset with his mother for being so controlling. These feelings were just coming up, so he wrote a short Love Letter to his mother. To write this letter he imagined he was back when he was feeling controlled. After he wrote the letter suddenly he was no longer upset with his partner.

 

     2.和配偶热恋数月后，丽莎突然对配偶挑剔了。她写情书时发现其实自己是害怕不够格和他在一起，怕他不再对她有兴趣。了解了内在恐惧后，她反而能够再次感受爱。 

2. After months of falling in love, Lisa suddenly became critical of her partner. As she wrote a Love Letter she discovered that she was really feeling afraid that she was not good enough for him and afraid he was no longer interested in hen By becoming aware of her deeper fears she started to feel her loving feelings again.

 

        3.比尔和珍共度了一个浪漫的晚上后的第二天却吵得不可开交。起因是珍有点不高兴他忘了做某些事。比尔没有先检讨自己，就突然想离婚。稍后他写情书时，他知道原来自己怕的是被遗弃，他记起小时候父母吵架时，他心中的感受。因此，他写信给父母，并对配偶涌上爱意。 

3. After spending a romantic evening together, Bill and jean got in a terrible fight the next day. It started when jean became a little angry with him for forgetting to do something. Instead of being his usual understanding self, suddenly Bill felt like he wanted a divorce. Later as he wrote a Love Letter he realized he was really afraid of being left or abandoned. He remembered how he felt as a child when his parents fought. He wrote a letter to his parents, and suddenly he felt loving toward his wife again.

 

     4.苏珊的丈夫汤姆正在赶工作进度，他回家时，苏珊极端愤怒。她了解汤姆的工作压力，但在情绪上仍免不了气愤。

4. Susan's husband, Tom, was busy meeting a deadline at work. When he came Home Susan felt extremely resentful and angry. One part of her understood the stress he was under, but emotionally she was still angry.

     当她写情书给汤姆时，发现她是气愤父亲把她单独留在家里与有虐特狂的母亲相处。小时候，她感到无助与被遗弃，现在这种感觉又出现了，于是她写信给父亲，而且马上就不再对汤姆生气了。 

While writing him a Love Letter she discovered that she was angry with her father for leaving her alone with her abusive mother. As a child she had felt powerless and abandoned, and these feelings were again coming up to be healed. She wrote a Love Letter to her father and suddenly she was no longer angry with Tom.

 

        5.瑞雪儿对菲尔深深着迷，菲尔在说爱她并想和她订婚后，第二天，她的感情马上改变了。她对他有了一大堆猜疑，热情也消失了。当她写情书给他时，她发现她是气愤父亲既被动又伤害她的母亲。她写信给父亲后，消极的感觉释放了，又再度对菲尔着迷。

5. Rachel was attracted to Phil until he said he loved her and wanted to make a commitment. The next day her mood suddenly changed. She began to have a lot of doubts and her passion disappeared. As she wrote him a Love Letter she discovered that she was angry with her father for being so passive and hurting her mother. After she wrote a Love Letter to her father and released her negative feelings, she suddenly felt attracted again to Phil.

 

你开始写情书时，也许无法每次都体验到过去的记忆和感觉。但当开放深入自己的感觉时，你会更清楚你所难过的是过去的某些事。 

As you begin practicing Love Letters, you may not always experience past memories and feelings. But as you open up and go deeper into your feelings, it will become clearer that when you are really upset it is about something in your past as well.

 

 

回应迟缓的反应

THE DELAYED REACTION RESPONSE

 

爱情可能会带来过去未解决的感觉，想获取所需时也可能碰上这种情况。我第一次有这种经验是在许多年前，我想和配偶做爱，但她没心情，我心里接受了，第二天我不断暗示，她仍然没兴趣，每天都是这样。

Just as love may bring up our past unresolved feelings, so does getting what you want. I remember when I first learned about this. Many years ago I had wanted sex from my partner, but she wasn't in the mood. In my mind I accepted that. The next day I hinted around, and she still was not interested. This pattern continued every day.

 

         两个星期后，我开始生气了。但那时我不知该如何沟通我的感觉。我没有说出我的感觉和挫折，反而装着若无其事。我掩饰了消极感觉，试着表现爱。两个星期后，我的气愤持续累积。

By the end of two weeks I was beginning to feel resentful. But at that time in my life I didn't know how to communicate feelings. Instead of talking about my feelings and my frustration I just kept pretending as if everything were OK. I was stuffing my negative feelings and trying to be loving. For two weeks my resentment continued to build.

 

        我心里虽气她，但表面上仍做许多取悦她的事，半个月后我买了一件漂亮的睡衣送给她，那天晚上我要她打开盒子、她打开后非常惊喜，我要她穿上看看，她说没心情。 

 I did everything I knew to please her and make her happy, while inside I was resenting her rejection of me. At the end of two weeks I went out and bought her a pretty nightgown. I brought it Home and that evening I gave it to her. She opened the box and was happily surprised. I asked her to try it on. She said she wasn't in the mood.

 

        这时我累了，我把性爱忘记。把自己投入工作，放弃对性爱的渴望。我以压抑气愤来抚平自己。但又过了两周后，我下班回来，她已为我准备了浪漫的晚餐，穿着两周前我送她的睡衣。家里有淡淡的灯光、轻柔的音乐。 

 At this point I gave up. I just forgot about sex. I buried myself in work and gave up my desire for sex. In my mind I made it OK by suppressing my feelings of resentment. About two weeks later, however, when I came Home from work, she had prepared a romantic meal and was wearing the nightgown I had bought her two weeks before. The lights were low and soft music was on in the background.

 

         你可以想象我的反应。我的愤怒突然涌现，我内心说： “你忍受了四个星期。”四星期以来压抑的气愤突然之间出现了。我告诉她的感觉后，我知道她仍乐于给予我所要的，以减轻我过去的愤

 

You can imagine my reaction. All of a sudden I felt a surge of resentment. Inside I felt "Now you suffer for four weeks." All of the resentment that I had suppressed for the last four weeks suddenly was coming up. After talking about these feelings I realized that her willingness to give me what I wanted released my old resentments.

 

配偶突然愤怒时

When Couples Suddenly Fed Their Resentment

 

我开始在其他情况观察这个模式，也在我诊所观察这个现象。当夫妻一方想改变现状以求更好时，另一方可能会突然漠不关心也不感激。 

 I began to see this pattern in many other situations. In my counseling practice, I also observed this phenomenon. When one partner was finally willing to make a change for the better, the other would become suddenly indifferent and unappreciative.

 

     当比尔想尽快满足玛莉的要求时，玛莉的反应很气愤，她说：“太迟了。”或 “那又怎么样？” 

 As soon as Bill was willing to give Mary what she had been asking for, she would have a resentful reaction like "Well, it is too late" or "So what."

 

     有些结婚二十年以上的夫妻常常来问我，我们的孩子已长大离开后，突然太太想离婚。先生一朝清醒想有些改变，当他开始改变，给予她等了二十多年的爱时，她的反应是既冷淡又气愤。 

 Repeatedly I have counseled couples who have been married for over twenty years. Their children have grown up and left Home. Suddenly the woman wants a divorce. The man wakes up and realizes that he wants to change and get help. As he starts to make changes and give her the love she has been wanting for twenty years, she reacts with cold resentment.

 

     好像这二十年是他使她受苦似的，幸好，事情并非无可救药，他们继续分享感觉，听了她的陈述后，已能够了解她被忽略的感觉，她也逐渐能接受他的改变。这个方式也可适用在当男人想离开、女人想改变时。 

It is as though she wants him to suffer for twenty years just as she did. Fortunately that is not the case. As they continue to share feelings and he hears and und  erstands how she has been neglected, she gradually becomes more his changes. This can also  receptive to go the other way; a man wants to leave and the woman becomes willing to change, but he resists.

 

 

期望过高的危机 

 The Crisis of Rising Expectations

 

        另一个反应迟缓的例子发生在社会层面，社会学你为期望过高的危机，这发生在约翰逊执政的六○年代，第一次给予少数民族更多权利，结果所有的气愤、骚动、暴力都爆发了。被封闭的种族情绪突然间释放了。 

 Another example of the delayed reaction occurs on a social level. In sociology it is called the crisis of rising expectations. It occurred 'm the sixties during the johnson administration. For the first time minorities were given more rights than ever before. As a result there were explosions of anger, rioting, and violence. All of the pent‑up racial feelings were suddenly released.

 

        这是压抑感觉出现的另一个例子，当少数民族受到更多的支持时，他们的愤怒开始高涨，过去未解决的感觉全部浮上来，同样的反应也会发生在那些人民受领导者虐待，最终得到自由的国家。 

 This is another example of repressed feelings surfacing. When the minorities felt more supported they felt an upsurge of resentful and angry feelings. The unresolved feelings of the past started coming up. A similar reaction is occurring now in countries where people are finally gaining their freedom from abusive government leaders.

 

 

       为何健康的人也需要辅导 

 WHY healthY PEOPLE MAY NEED COUNSELING

 

        关系越密切，爱情便越增强，结果需要治疗的深度痛苦感觉便渐渐涌出，此时我们因不知该如何处理痛苦而踟蹰了。 

 As you grow more intimate in your relationships, love increases. As a result, deeper, more painful feelings will come up that need to be healed­deep feelings like shame and fear. Because we generally do

not know how to deal with these painful feelings, we become stuck.

 

       治疗痛苦必先分享痛苦，但我们不是害怕就是羞于泄露感觉，而变得沮丧、不安、无聊、气愤，或精疲力尽。这些是我们过去所隐藏的事出现并受阻时的症状。 

 To heal them we need to share them, but we are too afraid or ashamed to reveal what we are feeling. At such times we may become depressed, anxious, bored, resentful, or simply exhausted for no apparent reason at all. These are all symptoms of our "stuff" coming up and being blocked.

 

        你的直接反应不是想逃离爱情就是更加沉溺在某些事物上。这是治疗你的感觉的时机，不要逃离，请治疗师帮忙是明智的决定。 

 Instinctively you will want to either run away from love or increase your addictions. This is the time to work on your feelings and not run away. When deep feelings come up you would be very wise to get the help of a therapist.

 

        我们把出现的内在感觉转嫁到配偶身上，如果我们向现在或过去的配偶传达感觉感到不安全，我们就无法在现在的配偶面前表现感觉，因此，不管你的配偶多么支持你，你和他或她在一起都不会觉得安全，感觉会受阻。 

 When deep feelings come up, we project our feelings onto our partner. If we did not feel safe to express our feelings to our parents or a past partner, all of a sudden we cannot get in touch with our feelings in the presence of our present partner. At this point, no matter how supportive your partner is, when you are with your partner you will not feel safe. Feelings will be blocked.

 

       有个矛盾论调：你因与配偶在一起觉得安全，所以内在恐惧才有机会浮现，但恐惧一浮现，你便又害怕得不敢分享自己的感觉。你的恐惧可能使你麻木，使你踟蹰不前。 

 It is a paradox: because you feel safe with your partner, your deepest fears have a chance to surface. When they surface you become afraid and are unable to share what you feel. Your fear may even make you numb. When this happens the feelings that are coming up get stuck.

 

       有个矛盾论调：你因与配偶在一起觉得安全，所以内在恐具才有机会浮现，但恐惧一浮现，你便又害怕得不敢分享自己的感觉。 

        如果这时你有一名辅导者或治疗师帮忙会很有帮助。如你不会把恐惧转嫁给对方，你可以把浮现的感觉表达出来，但你如果知道只和配偶在一起，就可能会觉得麻木。 

 This is when having a counselor or therapist is tremendously helpful. When you are with someone you are not projecting your fears on, you can process the feelings that are coming up. But if you are only with your partner, you may feel numb.

 

    这就是为什么关系很恩爱的人仍然需要治疗师帮忙的原因。与支持团体分享，效果也很好，和我们不亲密但支持我们的人在一起，是为我们的伤痛打开分享之门。 

 This is why people with even very loving relationships may inevitably need the help of a therapist. Sharing in support groups also has this liberating effect. Being with others whom we don't know intimately but who are supportive creates an opening for our wounded feelings to be shared.

 

       若把未解决的感觉转嫁给亲密的配偶，他或她也无力帮助我们，配偶能做的只是鼓舞我们获得支持。了解过去如何继续影响现在的关系，使我们能接受爱情的潮汐。为了永浴爱河，我们必须适应持续改变的爱情四季。 

When our unresolved feelings are being projected on our intimate partner, he or she is powerless to help us. All our partner can do is encourage us to get support. Understanding how our past continues to affect our relationships frees us to accept the ebb and flow of love. We begin to trust love and its healing process. To keep the magic of love alive we must be flexible and adapt to the ongoing changing seasons of love.

 

 

     爱情四季 

 THE SEASONS OF LOVE

      

婚姻关系就像座花园。想要花草繁盛就必须定时浇水，依不同的季节和不可预测的气候给予特殊的照顾。同样，要永浴爱河也必须了解爱情的四季，为爱情的特殊需求勤加灌溉。 

 A relationship is like a garden. If it is to thrive it must be watered regularly. Special care must he given, taking into account the sea­sons as well as any unpredictable weather. New seeds must be sown and weeds must be pulled. Similarly; to keep t  he magic of love alive we must understand its seasons and nurture love's special needs.

 

       爱情的春天 

 The Springtime of Love

 

        恋爱就像春天，我们觉得好像永远快乐，无法想象自己会不爱配偶。这是天真无邪的时刻，爱情是永恒的，每件事似乎都很完美、每件工作的完成都不费吹灰之力，和配偶似乎是天生一对，我们融洽地一起跳舞、享受美好时光。 

 Failing in love is like springtime. We feel as though we will be happy forever. We cannot imagine not loving our partner. It is a time of innocence. Love seems eternal. It is a magical time when everything seems perfect and works effortlessly. Our partner seems to be the perfect fit. We effortlessly dance together in harmony and rejoice in our good fortune.

 

        爱情的夏天 

 The Summer of Love

 

        在整个爱情的夏天中，我们知道配偶不如我们想象的完美，我们必须为婚姻关系努力。配偶不止是另一个星球的人，也是会犯错误、有缺点的人。 

 Throughout the summer of our love we realize our partner is not as perfect as we thought, and we have to work on our relationship. Not only is our partner from another planet, but he or she is also a human who makes mistakes and is flawed in certain ways.

 

    挫折与失望提高了，杂草必须连根拔起，烈阳下的植物必须加倍浇水。爱与被爱不再那么容易。我们发现我们并非永远快乐，也非永远都能感受到爱。这现象和我们的爱情图像不同。 

 Frustration and disappointment arise; weeds need to be uprooted and plants need extra watering under the hot sun. It is no longer easy to give love and get the love we need. We discover that we are not always happy, and we do not always feel loving. It is not our picture of love.

 

        许多夫妻的爱情在这时破灭了，他们不愿意为婚姻关系效力、只是不切实际地期待永远都是春天；他们谴责配偶，放弃努力；他们不知道爱情并非永远是那么轻而易得，有时需在烈日下辛苦工作才会有结果。在爱情的夏天里，我们必须灌溉配偶的需求和向对方要求我们需要的爱。良好的婚姻关系不是天生的。 

Many couples at this point become disillusioned. They do not want to work on a relationship. They unrealistically expect It to be spring all the time. They blame their partners and give up. They do not realize that love is not always easy; sometimes it requires hard work under a hot sun. In the summer season of love, we need to nurture our partner's needs as well as ask for and get the love we need. It doesn't happen automatically.

 

 

        爱情的秋天 

 The Autumn of Love

 

        夏天辛勤照顾花园的结果，我们丰收了。秋天来了，这是个黄金季节——丰富且满足。我们因了解与接受配偶和我们一样不完美，而体验了成熟的爱。这是感恩与分旱的时刻，夏天辛苦的工作使我们能轻松享受我们创造的爱。 

 As a result of tending the garden during the summer, we get to harvest the results of our hard work. Fall has come. It is a golden time‑rich and fulfilling. We experience a more mature love that accepts and understands our partner's imperfections as well as our own. It is a time of thanksgiving and sharing. Having worked hard during summer we can relax and enjoy the love we have created.

 

       爱情的冬天 

 The Winter of Love

       气候再转变时，冬天来了。在这寒冷、贫瘠的日子里，一切都自然回复它的寂静。这是休息、反省、更新的时刻。我们的关系在此时经历了未解决的痛苦或隐藏的自己，当我们闭上眼睛，痛苦就浮现，这是自我寻找爱与满足的孤独成长时刻，也是治疗时刻、也是男人去洞穴冬眠、女人沉入波浪之 底的时刻。 

 Then the weather changes again, and winter comes. During the cold, barren months of winter, all of nature pulls back within itself. It is a time of rest, reflection, and renewal. This is a time in relationships when we experience our own unresolved pain or our shadow self. It is when our lid comes off and our painful feelings emerge. It is a time of solitary growth when we need to look more to ourselves than to our partners for love and fulfillment. It is a time of healing. This is the time when men hibernate in their caves and women sink to the bottom of their wells.

 

        在黑暗的冬天爱与治疗自己后，春天又回来了。我们再次接受到希望、爱与无限可能的祝福。我们因冬天的之旅做了内在治疗与心里追寻，而更能放开心胸，感受爱情的春天。 

 After loving and healing ourselves through the dark winter of love, then spring inevitably returns. Once again we are blessed with the feelings of hope, love, and an abundance of possibilities. Based on the inner healing and soul searching of our wintery journey, we are then able to open our hearts and feel the springtime of love.

 

 

        成功的婚姻关系 

 SUCCESSFUL relationshipS

 

        学习增进沟通的方法与在婚姻关系中获取所需后，你已对成功的婚姻关系有了万全的准备。你有足够的理由对自己充满希望，你会对爱情的四季适应得很好。 

 After studying this guide for im' proving communication and getting what you want in your relationships, you are well prepared for having successful relationships. You have good reason to feel hopeful for yourself. You will weather well through the seasons of love.

 

        我目睹成千上万的夫妻在一夜之间改变他们的关系。他们星期六来参加我的婚姻关系研讨会，星期日晚餐时，就和好如初了。运用你阅读本书得到的观察与谨记男人从火星来，女人从金星来，你也会得到相同的成功。 

 I have witnessed thousands of couples transform their relationships‑some literally overnight. They come on Saturday of my weekend relationship seminar and by dinnertime on Sunday they are ill love again. By applying the insights you have gained through reading this book and by remembering that men are from Mars and women are from Venus you will experience the same success.

 

        但我要郑重告诉你，爱情是有季节性的。春天，爱情很容易；夏天，爱情很艰辛；秋天，你感到丰收与满足；冬天，你感到空虚。 

 But I caution you to remember that love is seasonal. In spring It is easy, but in summer it is hard work. In autumn you may feel very generous and fulfilled, but in winter you will feel empty. The information you need to get through summer and work on your relationship is easily forgotten. The love you feel in fall is easily lost In winter.

 

        在爱情的夏天时，凡是困难，你没有得到你要的爱，突然你会很快忘掉这本书教给你的每件事；你可能开始谴责配偶，忘了如何灌溉他们的需要。 

 In the summer of love, when things get difficult and you are not getting the love you need, quite suddenly you may forget everything you have learned in this book. In an instant it is all gone. You may begin to blame your partner and forget how to nurture their needs.

 

        冬天的空虚一来，你可能觉得一切毫无希望；你可能责备自己，忘了如何爱与滋润自己；你可能怀疑自己与配偶；可能变得玩世不恭，想放弃一切。这是周期的一部分，黎明之前总是最黑暗。

 When the emptiness of winter sets in, you may feel hopeless. You may blame yourself and forget how to love and nurture yourself. You may doubt yourself and your partner. You may become cynical and feel like giving up. This is all a part of the cycle. It is always darkest before the dawn.

 

 

        想获得成功的婚姻关系，必须接受与了解爱情有不同的季节。爱情有时流畅，有时需努力，就像我们的心有时充实有时空虚一样。我们不该期待配偶永远爱我们或记得如何爱我们，我们也必须了解自己，不要期待自己记得所学过的爱人的每一件事。 

 To be successful in our relationships we must accept and understand the different seasons of love. Sometimes love flows easily and automatically; at other times it requires effort. Sometimes our hearts are full and at other times we are empty. We must not expect our partners to always be loving or even to remember how to be loving. We must also give ourselves this gift of understanding and not expect to remember everything we have learned about being loving.

 

        学习的过程不只需要倾听与运用，也需要忘记与再次记得。从这本书里，你学到了配偶无法教你的事，他们不了解的你已了解了，请实在一点，允许你自己犯错，你所得到的观念也会暂时被忘掉一段时间。 

 The process of learning requires not only hearing and applying but also forgetting and then remembering again. Throughout this book you have learned things that your parents could not teach you. They did not know. But now that you know, please be realistic. Give yourself permission to keep making mistakes. Many of the new insights you have gained will be forgotten for a time.

 

        教育理论说学一样新事物，必须重复听两百次，我们不能期待自己 （或配偶）记住本书所有的新观念，我们必须有耐心，感激本书所提的每一小步。将本书的观念融入你的生活必须花一段时间。

 Education theory states that to learn something new we need to hear it two hundred times. We cannot expect ourselves (or our partners) to remember all of the new insights in this book. We must be patient and appreciative of their every little step. It takes time to work with these ideas and integrate them into your life.

 

     我们不只要重复听两百次，也必须抛弃过去所学的。学习如何拥有成功的婚姻关系，我们不能像天真的孩子般被父母、文化、过去的痛苦经验牵着鼻子走。建立新的爱情婚姻关系是项新的挑战，你是个拓荒者，在新的疆域旅行，有时你会迷失，有时配偶会迷失。利用本书提供的方法为指南，不断引导你到未经测量的领土。 

 Not only do we need to hear it two hundred times but we also need to unlearn what we have learned in the past. We are not innocent children learning how to have successful relationships. We have been programmed by our parents, by the culture we have grown up in, and by our own painful past experiences. Integrating this new wisdom of having loving relationships is a new challenge. You are a pioneer. You are traveling in new territory. Expect to be lost sometimes. Expect your partner to he lost. Use this guide as a map to lead you through uncharted lands again and again.

 

       下次你因共性而感到挫折时，谨记男人从火星来，女人从金星来，就算你忘了本书所谈的，只要记住男女原本不同，就可帮助你更有爱心。不断减轻你的主观和谴责，持续要求你想要的，可促进你需要且应得的爱情关系。 

 Next time you are frustrated with the opposite sex, remember men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Even if you don't remember anything else from this book, remembering that we are supposed to be different will help you to be more loving. By gradually releasing your judgments and blame and persistently asking for W at you want, you can create the loving relationships you want, need, and deserve.

 

        你的未来充满了期待，祝福你继续在爱情与光明中成长。谢谢你让我对你的生活有所帮助。 

You have a lot to look forward to. May you continue to grow in love and light. Thank you for letting me make a difference in your fife

 

Acknowledgments

 

I thank my wife, Bonnie, for sharing the journey of developing this book with me. I thank her for allowing me to share our stories and especially for expanding my understanding and ability to honor the female point of view.

 

I thank our three daughters, Shannon, Julie, and Lauren, for their continued love and appreciation. The challenge of being a parent has allowed me to understand the struggles my parents had and love them even more. Being a father has especially assisted me in understanding and loving my father.

 

I thank my father and mother for their loving efforts to raise a family of seven children. I thank my oldest brother, David, for understanding my feelings and admiring my words. I thank my brother Williarn for motivating me to higher achievements. I thank my brother Robert for all the long and interesting conversations we had until dawn and for his brilliant ideas, from which I always benefit. I thank my brother Tom for his encouragement and positive spirit. I thank my sister Virginia for believing in me and appreciating my seminars. I thank my deceased younger brother Jimmy for his love and admiration, which continue to support me through my difficult times.

 

I thank my agent Patti Breitman, whose help, brilliant creativity, and enthusiasm have guided this book from its conception to its completion. I thank Carole Bidnick for her inspired support at the beginning of this project. I thank Susan Moldow and Nancy Peske for their

expert feedback and advice. I thank the staff at HarperCollins for their continued responsiveness to my needs.

 

I thank all the thousands who participated in my relationship serninars, shared their stories, and encouraged me to write this book. Their positive and loving feedback has supported me in developing this simple presentation of such a complex subject.

 

I thank my clients who have shared their struggles so intimately and trusted my assistance in their journey.

 

I thank Steve Martineau for his skillful wisdom and influence, which can be found sprinkled through this book.

 

I thank my different promoters, who have put their hearts and souls into producing the john Gray relationship Seminars where this material was tried, tested, and developed: Elley and Ian Coren in Santa Cruz; Debra Mudd, Gary and Helen Francell in Honolulu; Bill and Judy Elbring in San Francisco; David Obstfeld and Fred Kliner in Washington, D.C.; Elizabeth Kling in Baltimore; Clark and Dottie Bartell in Seattle; Michael Najarian in Phoenix; Gloria Manchester in L.A.; Sandee Mac in Houston; Earlene Carrillo in Las Vegas; David Farlow in San Diego; Bart and Merril Jacobs in Dallas; and Ove Johliansson and Ewa Martensson in Stockholm.

 

I thank Richard Cohen and Cindy Black at Beyond Words Publishing for their loving and genuine support of my last book, Men, Women, and Relationsbips, which gave birth to the ideas in this book.

 

I thank john Vestman at Trianon Studios for his expert audio recordings of my whole seminar and Dave Morton and the staff of Cassette Express for their continued appreciation of this material and their quality service.

 

I thank the members of my men's group for sharing their stories, and I especially thank Lenney Eiger, Charles Wood, Jacques Early, David Placek, and Chris Johns, who gave me such valuable feedback for editing the manuscript.

 

I thank my secretary, Arlana, for efficiently and responsibly taking over the office during this project.

 

I thank my lawyer (and adopted grandfather of my children), Jerry Riefold, for always being there.

 

I thank Clifford McGuire for his continued friendship of twenty years. I could not ask for a better sounding board and friend.