Chapter 12 : How to Ask for Support and Get It

第十二章  向伴侣要求爱与支持

 

如果你在婚姻关系中没有得到你要的支持，主要的原因可能是你没有做足够的要求，或者要求的方法不当。

If you are not getting the support you want in your relationships a significant reason may be that you do not ask enough or you may ask in a way that doesn't work.

 

要求爱与支持是任何关系的基础。如果你想获得，你就必须要求。

Asking for love and support is essential to the success of any relationship. If you want to G‑E‑T then you have to A‑S‑K.

男女都难以启齿要求支持。但是，女人比男人更会对“要求”失望或感到挫折，因此，本章特别针对女人而设计。当然，男人若阅读此章，也会更了解女人。

Both men and women have difficulty asking for support. Women, however, tend to find it much more frustrating and disappointing to ask for support than men do. For this reason, I will be addressing this chapter to women. Of course, men will deepen their understanding of women if they too read this chapter.

 

 

女人为何不要求

WHY WOMEN DON'T ASK

 

女人误以为她们不必要求支持，因为她们以为男人会像她们一样，可以直接感受他人的需求，主动给与支持。女人一旦恋爱就会义无反顾地给与爱，她愉快热情地寻找给与支持的方法。她愈喜欢一个人，就愈主动给与爱。在金星上，每个人都主动给与支持，她们不必找理由要求；事实上，不需要求也是她们对他人表示爱的方式。金星上的标语是：“爱是从不必要求！”

Women make the mistake of thinking they don't have to ask for support. Because they intuitively feet the needs of others and give whatever they can, they mistakenly expect men to do the same. When a woman is in love, she instinctively offers her love. With great delight and enthusiasm, she looks for ways to offer her supPort. The more she loves someone, the more motivated she is to offer her love. Back on Venus, everyone automatically gives support, so there was no reason to ask for it. In fact, not needing to ask is one of the ways they show their love for one another. On Venus their motto is "Love is never having to ask!"

 

　　金星上的标语是：“爱是从不必要求！”

　　

基于此一参考点，她会揣测如果配偶爱她，那么无须她要求，他也会提供支持。她更可能故意不要求，以考验他是否真的爱她。男人必须能预测她的需要，和提供非请求的帮忙才能通过她的考验。

Because this is her reference point, she assumes that if her partner loves her, he will offer his support and she won't have to ask. She may even purposefully not ask as a test to see if he really loves her. To pass the test, she requires that he anticipate her needs and offer his unsolicited support!

 

然而这方法在婚姻关系中却对男人无效。男人从火星来，火星上的人若想要支持，必须直接提出要求。男人不会主动提供支持，除非有人向他要求。但有时候也令人非常迷惑，因为如果你以不当的方式向他要求，他可能对你不理睬；如果完全不要求，你所得到的很可能只是一点点或全然一无所获。

This approach to relationships with men doesn't work. Men are from Mars, and on Mars If you want support you simply have to ask for it. Men are not instinctively motivated to offer their support; they need to be asked. This can be very confusing because if you ask a man for support in the wrong way he gets turned off, and if you don't ask at all you'll get little or none.

 

在关系的初始，如果女人没有得到她想要的支持，她会揣测男人已没能力给与了，她则继续耐心地给与，以为过段时间后男人就会赶上。而他想的却是他已经给够了，否则女人怎么会继续给与呢！

In the beginning of a relationship, if a woman doesn't get the support she wants, she then assumes that he is not giving because he has nothing more to give. She patiently and lovingly continues to give. assuming that sooner or later he'll catch up. He assumes, however, he is giving enough, because she continues giving to him.

 

他不知道她正期待着他的回馈。他以为她若有需要或要求更多，她早就停止给与。但因她从金星来，她不只需要更多，也期待他主动给与支持而不必等她开口，而他却等待着她有需要时再开口要求，如她不要求，他便以为自己已经给够了。

He doesn't realize she is expecting him to give back. He thinks that if she needed or wanted more she would stop giving. But since she is from Venus, she not only wants more but also expects him to offer his support without being asked. But he is waiting for her to start asking for support if she wants it. If she is not asking for support he assumes he is giving enough.

 

最后，等到她要求帮忙时，她已付出太多，积满愤怒，因此，她的要求会变成命令。有些女人因必须要求男人支持而对男人生气，就算男人答应并给与一些支持了，她仍气愤的以为：“如果必须要我开口要求，就不算。”

Eventually, she may ask for his support, but by this time she has given so much more and feels so much resentment that her request is really a demand. Some women will resent a man simply because they have to ask for his support. Then, when they do ask, even if he says yes and gives her some support, she will still resent that she had to ask. She feels "If I have to ask, it doesn't count."

 

男人无法对命令或气愤做出好的回应，就算男人乐意给与支持，她的气愤或命令却会使他打退堂鼓。命令会使人却步，使她获取他支持的机会大大减少。有时候，只要他感到她在命令，他就不愿给与了。

Men do not respond well to demands and resentment. Even if a man is willing to give support, her resentment or demands will lead him to say no. Demands are. a complete turnoff. Her chances of getting, his support are dramatically reduced when a request becomes a demand. In some cases he will even give less for a while if he senses that she is demanding more.

 

如果女人没有要求支持，男人便会以为他己给够了。

 

这个模式使得没有觉察这一点的女人，在婚姻关系中和男人相处时显得十分困难。虽然这个问题看似不可解决，但事实上可以的。只要记得男人从火星来的，你就可以学习新的要求方法——有效的方法。

This pattern makes relationships with men very difficult for the unaware women. Though this problem may feel insurmountable, it can be solved. By remembering that men are from Mars you can learn new ways to ask for what you want‑ways that work.

 

我在研讨会上训练成千上万的女性要求的艺术，她们也不断得到立即的成效。本章我们要探讨要求与获得所需的三步骤：(一)练习得当地要求你早已获得的；(二)虽明知他会说不，也练习要求更多，并接受他的拒绝；(三)练习确定的要求。

In my seminars I have trained thousands of women in the art of asking, and they repeatedly have had immediate success. In this chapter we will explore the three steps involved in asking for and getting what you want. They are: (I) Practice asking correctly for what you're already getting; (2) Practice asking for more, even when you know he will say no, and accept his no; (3) Practice assertive asking.

 

步骤一：得当地要求你早已获得的

STEP I: ASKING CORRECTLY FOR WHAT YOU ARE ALREADY GETTING

 

学习如何在婚姻关系中获取更多的第一步是，练习得当地要求你早已获得的。要多察觉配偶已为你做了什么，尤其是小事情，像是提重物、修理东西、清洁打扫、打电话或做家事等。

The first step In learning how to get more In your relationships Is to practice asking for what you are already getting. Become aware of what your partner is already. doing for you. Especially the little things, like carrying boxes, fixing things, cleaning up, making calls, and other little chores.

 

本步骤的重要部分是，开始要求他做他早已在做的小事情，然后向他表示由衷的感激。暂时不要期待他会给与非请求的支持。

The important part of this stage is to begin asking him to do the little things he already does and not to take him for granted. Then when he does those things give him a lot of appreciation. Temporarily give up expecting him to offer his support unsolicited.

 

还有一点很重要，即是不要要求他做过去未曾做的。只要求他做他通常在做的小事情，让他习惯听你用非命令式的口吻要求他做事。

In step I, it is important not to ask for more than what he is used to giving. Focus on asking him to do little things that he normally does. Allow him to become used to hearing you ask for things in a nondemanding tone.

 

不管你如何用美丽的语言提出要求，只要是带命令的口气，他所听到的就是他给的不够。这使他觉得自己没有被爱、被感激。除非你感激他所付出的，否则他会吝于再给与。

When he hears a demanding tone, no matter how nicely you phrase your request, all he hears is that he is not giving enough. This makes him feel unloved and unappreciated. His tendency is then to give less until you appreciate what he is already giving.

 

不管你如何用美丽的语言提出要求，只要语带命令口气，他所听到的就是他给的不够。

 

He may be conditioned by you (or his mother) immediately to say no to your requests.

　　

步骤一：你应改变他，让他积极回应你的要求。男人如果知道你感激他，他就会愈想讨好你，尽可能以积极态度回应你的要求。然后，他会主动提供支持。但不要在这步骤一开始时就期待这种结果。此外，你必须确信他会听你的要求，并有所回应，这就是我说的：“得当地要求。”

In step I you will be reconditioning him to respond positively to your requests. When a man gradually realizes that he is appreciated and not taken for granted and that he pleases you, he will want to respond positively to your requests when he can. Then he will begin automatically offering his support. But this advanced stage shouldn't be expected in the beginning.But there's another reason to start by asking him for what he's already giving. You need to be sure you're asking in a way he can bear you and respond. That's what I mean when I say "asking correctly."

 

 

鼓舞男人的秘诀

Motivating a Man

 

以下有四个如何适当要求男人支持的秘诀，分别是适当的时机、非命令的态度、简短、直接。如果缺乏这些，男人可能轻易停止支持。让我们进一步观察：

There are four secrets of how to correctly ask a Martian for support. If they are not observed, he may be easily turned off. They are: appropriate timing, nondemanding attitude, be brief, be direct, and use correct wording.Let's look at each more closely:

 

一、适当的时机。小心不要要求他做他早已计画要做的事。例如，如果他已打算倒垃圾，不要再对他说：“你能不能倒垃圾？”那会让他觉得你在告诉他该做什么。时机非常重要，还有，如果他已集中精神在某些事上，不要期待他会立刻回应你的要求。

I. Appropriate Timing. Be careful not to ask him to do something that he is obviously just planning to do. For example, if he Is about to empty the trash, don't say "Could you empty the trash?" He will feel you are telling him what to do. Timing is crucial. Also if he is fully focused on something don't expect him immediately to respond to your request.

 

二、非命令的态度。谨记，要求并非命令。不管多小心谴词用字，如果态度是气愤和命令式的，他会觉得你不感激他原先所给与的，而可能对你的要求说不。

2. Nondemanding Attitude. Remember, a request is not a demand. If you have a resentful or demanding attitude, no matter how carefully you choose your words, he will feel unappreciated for what he has already given and probably say no.

 

三、简短。避免给他一长串他为什么该帮助你的理由。你解释得愈多，他愈会反抗，长篇大论使他觉得你不相信他会支持你，他会觉得被你控制了，因而不愿意提供支持。

3. Be Brief Avoid giving him a fist of reasons why he should help you. Assume that lie doesn't have to be convinced. The longer you explain yourself the more he will resist, Long explanations validating your request make him feel as though you don't trust him to support you. He will start to feel manipulated instead of free to offer his support.

 

要求男人支持时，先假设他不需要被说服。

 

女人在难过时，不希望听到一大串理由说明她为何不该难过，男人也一样不希望听到一大串理由说明他为何必须满足她的要求。

Just as a woman who is upset doesn't want to hear a list of reasons and explanations about why she shouldn't be upset, a man doesn't want to hear a list of reasons and explanations about why he should fulfill her request.

 

女人错误地为她们的要求提出一大串辩护理由，她们以为这样做可使他认定她的要求，因而受到激发，而男人听到的却是：“这就是为何你该这样做的由。”你说得愈多，他愈抗拒支持你。但如果他问你：“为什么？”你就可以给他理由，不过一定要简短。练习相信他会在能力范围内支持你。提理由时，要尽可能简短。

Women mistakenly give a list of reasons to justify their needs. They think it will help him see that her request is valid and therefore motivate him. What a man hears is "This is why you have to do it." The longer the list, the more he may resist supporting you. If he asks you "why?" then you can give your reasons, but then again, be cautiously brief. Practice trusting that he will do it, if he can. Be as brief as possible.

 

四、直接。女人通常在没有提出要求支持的情况下，就以为自己已经要求支持了。她需要帮忙时，可能只提出问题，而没有直接要求他的帮忙。她期待他的支持，但却忽略了直接向他要求。

4. Be Direct. Women often think they are asking for support when they are not. When she needs support, a woman may present the problem but not directly ask for his support. She expects him to offer his support and neglects directly to ask for it.

 

不直接的要求虽然暗示了要求，但没有亘接说出来，这些不直接的要求使得男人觉得他不会受到感激。偶尔使用不直接的语句没关系，但如果不断使用，男人便会反抗，他也许不知道自己为什么会反抗。以下的语句是不直接要求的例子，以及男人可能有的反应：

An indirect request implies the request but does not directly say it These indirect requests make a man feel taken for granted and unappreciated. Occasionally using indirect statements is certainly OK, but when they are repeatedly used, a man becomes resistant to giving his support. He may not even know why he is so resistant. The following statements are all examples of indirect requests and how a man might respond to them:

 

她不直接时，他可能产生的误解

WHAT HE MAY HEAR WHEN SHE IS NONDIRECT

 

What she should                                   What she should not             What he’d  think when she is indirect

 (brief ;Q direct)                                  (indirect)

她应说(简短而直接)　　              她不应说(不直接)　　             她不直接时，他的误解

 

 

"Would you pick up                     "The kids need to be                       "If you can pick them

the kids?"                                    picked up and I can't do               up you should, other­

                                                 it."                                                   wise I will feel very

                                                                                                      unsupported and resent you" (demand).

　　．你可不可以去接孩子？　　．我们必须去接孩子，但　　．如果你能够接孩子，你

　　                                                        我没有空。　　                        应该去，否则我会生气，

会觉得你不支持我。(命令)．

 

 

"Would you bring in             "The groceries are in                        "It's your job to bring

the groceries?"                                            the car."                    them in, I went shop­ping" (expectation).

．你可不可以把杂货拿　　     ．杂货在车子里。　　            ．买东西是我的责任，拿

进来？　　                                                                                         东西是你的责任。(期待)

 

"Would you empty the                  "I can't fit anything else           "You haven't emptied

trash ?                                            in the trash can."                               the trash. You shouldn't

                                                                                                            wait so long" (criticism).

．你可不可以倒垃圾？　     　．垃圾桶塞满了，我什么　　．你不应该到现在还没有

也放不进去了。　               　倒垃圾。(批评)

 

"Would you clean up              “The backyard is really           "You didn't clean up

the backyard?"                                     a mess."                                              the yard again. You

            should be more re­

            sponsible, I shouldn't

            have to remind you"

            (rejection).

．你可不可以清理后院？　  　．后院已经像个废墟了。　 　．你很久没清理院子了。

你应该有责任点，不应该

由我来提醒你。(拒绝)

 

"Would you bring in                         "The mail hasn't been              "You forgot to bring in

the mad?"                             brought in."                            the mail. You should re­

                                                                                                            member" (disapproval).

．你可不可以把信拿进来       　．信没有拿进来。               　．你忘了拿信进来。你应

　　                                                                                                              该记得的。(否定)

 

 

Would you take us              "I have no time to                                  "I have done so much,

out to eat tonight?"             make dinner tonight.                                the least you could do

                                                                                                              is take us out tonight"

                                                                                                               (dissatisfaction).

．今晚你要带我们出去吃　　   ．我没有时间做晚饭。       　．我已经做这么多了，你

饭吗？　　                                                                                       至少今晚该带我们出去

　  吃饭吧。(不满意)

 

"Would you take me                        "We haven't gone out      "                       You are neglecting me.

out this week?"                                  in weeks."                                           I'm not getting what I

                   need. You should take

                   me out more often"

．你这星期要带我出去　　        ．我们好几个星期没出去　　   ．你忽略我了，我没有获

吗？　　                                         了。　　                                          得需求。你应该经常带

　　我出去。(气愤)

           

 

5. Use Correct Wording. One of the most common mistakes in asking for support is the use of could and can In place of would and will. "Could you empty the trash?" is merely a question gathering information. "Would you empty the trash?" is a request.

 

Women often use "could you?" indirectly to imply "would you?" As I mentioned before, Indirect requests are a turnoff. When used occasionally they certainly may go unnoticed, but persistently using can and could begins to irritate men.

 

When I suggest to women that they begin asking for support, sometimes they panic because their partners have already made comments many times such as:

 

• "Don't nag me."

 

•‑‑‑Don't ask me to do things all the time."

 

• "Stop telling me what to do."

 

" I already know what to do."

 

"You don't have to tell me that."

In spite of how it sounds to a woman, when a man makes this kind of comment, what he really means is I. I don't like the wa y You ask!" If a woman doesn't understand how certain language' 'can’r affect men, she will get even more snarled. She becomes afraid to ask and starts saying "Could you..." because she thinks she Is being more polite. Though this works well on Venus, it doesn't work at all on Mars.

 

On Mars it would he an Insult to ask a man "Can you empty the trash?" Of course he can empty the trash! The question is not can he empty the trash but will he empty the trash. After he has been insulted, he may say no just because you have irritated him.

 

What Men Want to Be Asked

 

When I explain this distinction between the c words and the w words in my seminars, women tend to think I am making a big deal over nothing. To women there is not much difference‑in fact, "could you?" may even seem more polite than "would you?" But to many men it is a big difference. Because this distinction is so important, I'm including comments by seventeen different men who attended my seminars.

 

I. When I am asked "Could you clean up the backyard" I really take it literally. I say, "I could do it, sure it's possible." But I am not saying "I will do it," and I certainly don't feel like I am making a promise to do it. On the other hand, when I am asked " Would you clean up the backyard" I begin to make a decision, and I am willing to be supportive. If I say yes, the chances of my remembering to do it are much greater because I have made a promise.

 

2. When she says "I need your help. Could you please help?" it sounds critical, like somehow I have already failed her. It doesn't feel like an invitation to be the

 

good guy I want to be and support her. On the other hand, "I need you help. Would you please carry this?" sounds like a request and an opportunity to be the good guy. I want to say yes.

 

3. When my wife says "(,,in you change Christopher's diaper?" I think inside, Sure I can change it. I am capable, and a diaper is a simple thing to change. But then if I don't feel like doing It I might make sonic excuse. Now, if she asked "Would you change Christopher's diaper?" I would say ‑Yeah, sure," and do it. Inside I would feel, I like to participate and I enjoy helping raise our children. I want to help!

 

4. When I am asked‑‑‑Wouldyou help ine please?" it gives me an opportunity to help, and I am more than willing to support her, but when I hear "Could you help me please?'' I feel backed up against the wall, as if I have no choice. lf I have the ability to help then I am expected to help! l don't feel appreciated.

 

5. I resent being asked "could you." I feel like I have no choice but to say yes. If I say. no she will be upset with me. It is not a request but a demand.

 

6. I keep myself busk, or at least pretend to be busy so that the woman I work with doesn't ask me the "could you" question. With "would you" I feel I have a choice, and I want to help.

 

7. Just this last week in), wife asked ine, "Could you plant the flowers today?" and without hesitation I said yes. Then when slit: came Home she asked, " Did you plant the flower?" I said no. She said, "Could you do it tomor row ~ " and again, without hesitation, I Said

yes. This happened every day this week, and the flowers are still not planted. I think if she had asked me "Would you plant the flowers tomorrow?" I would have thought about it, and if I had said yes I would have done it.

 

8. When I say "Yes, I could do that" I am not committing myself to doing it. I am just saying that I could do it. I have not promised to do it. If she gets upset with me I feel like she doesn't have a right. If I say I will do it, then I can understand why she is upset if I don't do it.

 

9. I grew up with five sisters, and now I am married and have three daughters. When my wife says "Can you bring out the trash?" I just don't answer. Then she asks "why?" and I don't even know. Now I realize why. I feel controlled. I can respond to "would you?"

 

I0. When I hear a "could you" I'll immediately say yes, and then over the next ten minutes I will realize why I'm not going to do it and then ignore the question. But when I hear a "will you" a part of me comes up saying "Yes, I want to be of service," and then even if objections come up later in my mind, I will still fulfill her request because I have given my word.

 

II. I will say yes to a "can you," but inside I resent her. I fee[ that if I say no she will throw a fit. I feel manipulated. When she asks "would you," I feet free to say yes or no. It is then my choice, and then I want to say yes.

 

I2. When a woman asks me "Would you do this?" I feel assured inside that I am going to get a point for this. I feel appreciated and happy to give.

 

I3. When I hear a "would you" I feel I am being trusted to serve. But when I hear a "can you" or "could you" I hear a question behind the question. She is asking me if I can empty the trash when it is obvious that I could. But behind her question is the request,which she doesn't trust me enough to directly ask.

 

I4. When a woman asks "would you" or "will you" I feel her vulnerability. I am much more sensitive to her and her needs; I definitely don't want to reject her.

 

When she says "could you" I am much more apt to say no because I know it is not a rejection of her. It is simply an impersonal statement saying I can't do it.

 

She won't take it personally if I say no to a "Could you do this?"

 

I5. For me, , would you" makes it personal, and I want to give, but "could you" makes it impersonal, and I will give if it is convenient or if I don't have anything else to do.

 

I6. When a woman says "Could you please help me?" I can feel her resentment and I will resist her, but if she says "Would you please help me" I can't hear any resentment, even if there is some. I am willing to say yes.

 

I7. When a woman says "Could you do this for me?" I get kind of honest and say "I'd rather not." The lazy part of me comes out. But when I hear a "Would you please?" I become creative and start thinking of ways to help.

 

One way women are sure to relate to the significant difference between would and could is to reflect for a moment on this romantic scene. Imagine a man proposing marriage to a woman. His heart

is full, like the moon shining above. Kneeling before her, he reaches out to hold her hands. Then he gazes up into her eyes and gently says, "Could you marry me?"

 

Immediately the romance is gone. Using the c word he appears weak and unworthy. In that moment, he reeks of insecurity and low self‑esteem. If instead he said "Would you marry me?" then both his strength and vulnerability are present. That is the way to propose.

 

Similarly, a man requires that a woman propose her requests in this manner. Use the w words. The c words sound too untrusting, indirect, weak, and manipulative.

 

When she says "Could you empty the trash?" the message he receives is "If you can empty it then you should do it. I would do it for you!" From his point of view he feels it is obvious that he can do it. In neglecting to ask for his support he feels she is manipulating him or taking him for granted. He doesn't feel misted to be there for her if he can.

 

I remember one woman in a seminar explaining the difference in Venusian terms. She said, "At first I couldn't feel the difference between these two ways of asking. But then I turned it around. It feels very different to me when he says 'No, I can't do it' versus 'No, I will not do it.' The 'I will not do it' is a personal rejection. If he says 'I can't do it' then it is no reflection on me, it is Just that he can't do it.‑­

 

 

要求时常犯的错误

Common mistakes in Asking

 

学习要求最困难的是记得如何发问，这通常需要不断的练习。谨记要求男人支持时，不要太冗长，要简短、直接。练习适切的表达，不可太过冗长。

The hardest part of learning to ask is remembering how to do it. Try using the w words whenever possible. It will take a lot of practice.

To ask a man for support:

I. Be direct.

2. Be brief.

3. Use "would you" or "will you" phrases.

It's best not to be too indirect, too lengthy, or to employ phrases such as "could you" or "can you." Let's look at some examples.

　　

．你可以倒垃圾吗？
．厨房乱七八糟，早就臭死了，垃圾桶也塞不下东西，早该倒了，你能不能去倒？(说得太长)
Would you empty the trash?"                  

"This kitchen is a mess; it really stinks. I can't fit anything else into the trash bag. It needs to be emp­tied. Could you do it?"            (This is too long and uses could.)

 

．可不可以帮我搬这张桌子？　
．聚会前我必须把这桌子换个位置，可是我搬不动。你能不能帮个忙？(说得太长)
"Would you help me move this table?"                

"I can't move this table. I need to rearrange it before our party tonight. Could you please help?"(This is too long and uses could.)

 

．你可以替我把这个放到别的地方

．我无法把这个放到别的地方。(不吗？直接)

"Would you please put this away for me?"

"I can't put all of this away."                   (This is an indirect message.)

 

．你可以把车子里的东西拿进来吗？

．我有四袋东西在车子里，我需要那些东西做晚饭，你可以把它们拿进来吗？(太长、太不直接。)

"Would you bring the groceries in from the car?" 

I have four bags of groceries left in the car. And I need that food to make dinner. Could you bring

them in?"          (This is too long, indirect, and uses could.)

 

．你回家时，可不可以顺便买瓶牛奶

．你顺便到店里去，劳瑞需要一瓶牛奶回来？。我无法再回去了，今天真把我累坏了。你去买好不好？(太长，直接)

"Would you pick up a bottle of  milk on your way Home?"    

"You'll be going by the store.      Lauren needs a bottle of milk. I just can't go out again. I am so tired. Today was a bad day. Could            you get it?"        (This is too long. indirect, and uses could. )

 

．你可不可以去学校接茱莉？

．我无法去接茱莉，你有没有时间？可不可以接她？(太长，太不直接)

“Would you pick up Julie from school?"

Julie needs a ride Home and I      can't pick her up. Do you have time? Do You think you could pick  her up?" (This is too long, indirect, and uses could. )

 

．你今天可以带咪咪去看兽医吗？

．咪咪应该打针了。你想带它去吗？(太不直接)

"Would you take Zoey to the vet today?" 

"It's time for Zoey to get her shots. Would you like to take her to the vet?" (This is too indirect.)

 

．你今晚可以带我们出去吃饭吗？

．我累得做不动晚饭了。我们很久没出去吃饭，你要出去吗？(太长，太不直接)

"Would you take us out to dinner tonight?"                      

"I am too tired to make dinner. We haven't gone out in a long time. Do you want to go out;" (This is too lengthy and indirect.)

 

．你愿帮我拉衣服后面的拉链吗？

．我需要你帮助，可不可以帮我拉拉链？(太不直接)

"Would you zip me up?"            

"I need your help. Could you zip me up?" (This is indirect and uses could.)

 

．你今晚可不可以为我们生火？

．今天好冷，你会替我们生火吗？(太不直接)

“Would you build a fire for us tonight?"              

"It's really cold. Are you going to build a fire?" (This is too indirect.)

 

．你这星期要不要带我去看电影？

．这星期你要去看电影吗？(太不直接)

"Would you take me to a movie this week?"

"Do you want to go to a movie this week?"           (This is too indirect.)

 

．你可以帮劳瑞穿鞋吗？

．劳瑞鞋子还没穿。我们已经迟到了，我没办法做每件事，你可以帮忙吗？(太长，太不直接)

"Would you help Lauren put on her shoes?"                     

"Lauren still hasn't put on her      shoes! We are late. I can't do this all by myself! Could you help?"   (This is too long, indirect, and uses could. )

 

．你可以现在坐下来和我讲讲话吗？

．我不知道出了什么事，我们太久没好好谈谈了，我必须知道你最近在忙什么。(太长，太不直接)

"Would you sit down with me now or sometime tonight and talk about our schedule?"         

"I have no idea of what's going on.We haven't talked and I need to  know what you are doing.. (This is too long and 'Indirect.)

 

现在，也许你已经注意到，你对男人的要求已不算要求他们会听成别的意思。我建议你在进行第二步骤之前，至少花三个星期的时间练习得当的问法。

As you have probably noticed by now, what You think has been asking is not asking to Martians‑they hear something else. It takes a conscious effort to make these little but significant changes in the way you ask for support. I suggest practicing at least three months correcting the way you ask for things before moving on to step two. other request statements that work are "Would you please ... ?" and "Would you mind ... ?"

 

开始第一步骤前，先算算自己有多久没有要求支持。了解你是如何要求的，然后再练习要求他早已给与的，谨记简短与直接。他完成后，要多多感激他。

Start out in step I by being aware of how many times you don't ask for support. Become aware of how you do ask when you do. With this increased awareness, then practice asking for what he 'S already giving you. Remember to be brief and direct. Then give him lots of appreciation and thanks.

 

要求支持的常见问题

Common ~dons About Asking for Support

 

第一步骤也许很困难，有些女人反对这么做，以下常见的问题可提供这类女性一些线索。

This first step can be difficult. Here are some common questions, which give clues to both the objections and the resistance that women may have.

 

　　1.问题：女人可能觉得，我不需要他要求我，那么为何我要要求他？

I. Question. A woman might feel, Why should I have to ask him when I don't require him to ask me?

回答：谨记，男人是从火星来的，他们和女人不同。你必须接受他们的不同才能得到你所要的。你如果试图改变他们，他们会顽强地反抗。只要他们感到被爱与被感激，就会不需你要求就提供支持。

Answer: Remember, men are from Mars; they are different. By accepting and working with his differences you will get what you need. If, instead, you try to change him he will stubbornly resist. Although asking for what you want is not second nature to Venusians, you can do it without giving up who you are. When he feels loved and appreciated he will gradually become more willing to offer his support without being asked. That is a later stage.

 

2.问题：女人可能觉得，我做得比他多时，为何我还要感激他？

2. Question. A woman may feel, Why should I appreciate what he does when I am doing more?

回答：火星人没受到感激就会给得少。如果你要他多给与，你就必须多感激他。男人因感激而受鼓舞。当然，你付出多时，必然很难向他表示感激，可是你只要减少付出，就可以给他多一点感激。想要做这种改变，你必须让他感受到你的爱，也必须让自己得到应有的支持。

Answer: Martians give less when they do not feel appreciated. If you want him to give more, then what he needs is more appreciation. Men are motivated by appreciation. If you are giving more it may, of course, be hard to appreciate him. Gracefully begin to give

less so that you can appreciate him more By making this change, not only are you supporting him in feeling loved, but you will also get the support you need and deserve.

 

3.问题：女人可能觉得，如果必须向他要求支持，他可能以为是在给我恩惠。

3. Question. A woman may feel, If I have to ask him for support, he may think he is doing me a favor.

回答：这是他应有的感觉。爱的礼物就是恩惠。男人一旦觉得他在施舍恩惠，他就会死心塌地的给与。谨记，他是火星人，记分法和你不同。如果他觉得他必须担负给与的义务，他的心就会关闭，减少给与。

Answer: This is how he should feel. A gift of love Is a favor. When a man feels he is doing you a favor, lie is then giving from his heart. Remember, he's a Martian and doesn't keep score the way you do. If he feels that you are telling him he is obligated to give, his heart closes and he gives less.

 

4.问题：女人可能觉得，如果他爱我，他应该、主动提供支持，我不必要求。

4. Question. A woman may feel, If he loves me he should just offer his support, I shouldn't have to ask.

回答：谨记男人从火星来，他们不同。男人一直等待被要求。换个角度看，如果他是金星人，他就会主动提供支持，但他不是，他是火星人。你如能接受这个事实，他会乐意支持你。

Answer: Remember men are from Mars; they are different. Men wait to be asked. Instead of thinking, If he loves me he will offer his support, consider this thought, If he were a Venusian he would offer his support, but he's not, he's a Martian. By accepting this difference, he will be much more willing to support you, and gradually he will begin to offer his support.

 

5.问题：女人可能觉得，如果我要求，他一定认为他做的事比我多，我害怕他可能以为不必给我更多了。

5. Question. A woman may feel, If I have to ask for things he will think I am not giving as much as he is. I am afraid‑he may feel like he doesn't have to give me more!

回答：虽然他不必给与，但他还是大方的。当他听到女人的要求时，他也同时听到女人认为他有资格支持她。他不但不会以为她给得少，反而以为她必是给得多，才会开口要求。

Answer: A man is more generous when he feels as though he doesn't have to give. In addition, when a man hears a woman asking for support (in a respectful way), whit he also hears is that she feels entitled to that support. He does not assume she has given less. Quite the contrary, he assumes she must be giving more or at least as much as he is, and that is why she feels good about asking.

 

6.问题：女人可能觉得，我要求支持时，必须解释为何需要他的帮忙，我怕讲得太简短他会不了解，我不想让我的要求变成一种命令。

6. Question. A woman may feel, When I ask for support, I am afraid to be brief. I want to explain why I need his help. I don't want to appear demanding.

回答：男人听到配偶向他要求时，他相信她必定是有充分的理由。如果她提出一大串理由说明为何他该满足她的需求，他会觉得自己好像不能说不，好像被她控制了。

Answer: When a man hears a request from his partner, he trusts she has good reasons for asking. If she gives him a lot of reasons why he should fulfill her request, he feels as though he can't say no, and if he can't say no then he feels manipulated or taken for granted. Let him give you a gift Instead of taking his support for granted.

如果他想多了解，他会主动问理由，这时你才提出理由，但小心别说得太冗长，只给一个或两个理由。如果他还需要更多资讯，他会让你知道。

If he needs to understand more he will ask why. Then it is OK to give reasons. Even when he asks, be careful not to be too lengthy. Give one, or at most, two reasons. If he still needs more information, he'll let you know.

 

步骤二：练习要求更多(即使你知道他可能说不)

STEP 2: PRACTICE ASKING FOR MORE (EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW HE MAY SAY NO)

 

试图要求男人更多之前，先确定他有感受到你感激他已给与的，再继续要求他支持，但不要期待他做得比现在做的多，他会觉得被感激或被接受。

Before attempting to ask a man for more, make sure he feels appreciated for what he is already giving. By continuing to ask for his support without expecting him to do more than he has been doing he will feel not only appreciated but also accepted.

 

当他习惯听你不过分的要求时，他会觉得不需为了得到你的爱而改变自己，因而乐意去加强能力支持你。此时，你可以冒险多要求一点，但不要让他觉得自己不够好。

When he is used to hearing you ask for his support without wanting more, he feels loved in your presence. He feels he doesn't have to change to get your love. At this point he will be willing to change and stretch his ability to support you. At this point you can risk asking for more without giving him the message that he is not good enough.

 

这方法的第二步骤是让他知道，即使他说不，仍能得到你的爱。如果他知道你能接受拒绝，他会比较坦然的说是或不。谨记男人一旦有说不的自由，他们会比较愿意说是。

The second step of this process is to let him realize that he can say no and still receive your love. When he feels that he can say no when you ask for more, he will feel free to say yes or no. Keep in mind that men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no.

 

　　男人一旦有说不的自由，他们会比较愿意说是。

　　

女人必须知道如何要求及如何接受拒绝。女人在要求之前，直觉地以为配偶会给与平等的回应，如果她警觉到他会反抗她的要求，就宁可不要求，她觉得被拒绝了，而他当然不知道发生了什么事——只有她知道。

It's important that women learn both how to ask and how to accept no for an answer. Women usually intuitively feet what their partner's response will be even before they ask. If they sense that he will resist their request, they won't even bother asking. Instead, they will feel rejected. He, of course, will have no idea what happened‑‑all this has gone on in her head.

 

在这个步骤，练习不要受他的影响，随你想要求就要求。即使你感到他在反抗或知道他会说不，也勇往直前要求支持。

In step 2, practice asking for support in all those situations where you would want to ask but don't because you feel his resistance. Go ahead and ask for support even if you sense his resistance; even if you know he will say no.

 

例如，太太可能对正在看电视新闻的先生说：“你可不可以到商店买鱼回来做晚餐？”她问时，早就有心理准备他会说不。他可能会很惊讶，因为以前她从不会要求打断他看电视新闻，他大概会说：“我新闻正看到一半，你能去买吗？”

For example, a wife might say to her husband, who is focused on watching the news, "Would you go to the grocery store and pick up some salmon for dinner?" When she asks this question, she is already prepared for him to say no. He is probably completely surprised because she has never interrupted him with a request like this before. He will probably make some excuse like "I am right in the middle of watching the news. Can't you do it?"

 

她也许想说：“我当然可以去买，但家里的事总是我在做，我不要当你的仆人，我需要帮忙！”

She may feel like saying "Sure I could do it. But I am always doing everything around here. I don't like being your servant. I want some help!"

 

你要求时，若觉得会受拒绝，就要先有心理准备他会说不，并且有所准备对他说：“好。”如果你想以男人的方式回应，可以说：“没问题。”他会听得很顺耳，但只简单说“好”也就够了。

When you ask and sense you will get a rejection, prepare yourself for the no and have a ready answer like "OK." If you want to be really Martian in your response, you could say "no problem"‑that would be music to his ears. A simple "OK" is fine, however.

 

先要求，再对他的“不”表示没关系，是十分重要的。谨记，你必须让他对你的拒绝感到安心，但这方法只用在你真正对他的“不”无所谓时，要确定你不会因他说“不”而不舒服。

It is important to ask and then act as if it is perfectly OK for him to say no. Remember, you're making it safe for him to refuse. Use this approach only for situations that are really OK if he says no. Pick situations where you would appreciate his support but rarely ask for it. Make sure you will feel comfortable if he says no.

 

以下有些例子可以表明我的意思：

These are some examples of what I mean:

 

　　    何时要求　                                                                 　该说什么

　　．他正在做事，你要他去接小孩。平时          　　．你说：“茱莉刚打电话回来，你要去

　　你不会打扰他，都是你去接孩子。                       　　接她吗？”如果他说不，你就亲切回

答：“好。”

When to ask                                                              What to say

            He is working on something and                          You say "Would you pick up Julie,

            you want him to pick up the kids.                                    she just called?"

            Normally you wouldn't bother                             If he says no, then graciously and

            him, and so you do it yourself.                            simply say "OK."

 

．他通常下班回来都等你做饭，你希望         　　．你说：“你能帮我切马铃薯吗？”或

　　他做饭，但从不要求，你觉得他不愿                 　　“你今晚能不能做饭？”如果他说

意做饭。 　                                                                  　不，你就亲切回答：“好。”

            He normally comes Home and                                         You say "Would you help me cut

            expects you to make dinner. You                         the potatoes?" or "Would you

            want him to make dinner, but you                                    make dinner tonight?"

            never ask. You sense he resists                             If he says no, then graciously and

            cooking.                                                                        simply say "OK."

 

．他通常吃过晚饭后看电视，而你洗         　　．你说：“你今晚要帮我洗碗吗？”或

　　碗。你希望他洗碗或至少帮帮忙，                  　　“你要帮我把盘子拿来吗？”或在适

　　可是从没要求。你觉得他讨厌洗碗。               　　当时机说：“你今晚要洗碗吗？”如

　　你可能不在意他做了多少，因此仍旧               　　果他说不，你就亲切回答：“好。”

洗碗。

            He normally watches TV after din‑                                   You say "Would you help me with

            ner while you wash the dishes.                             the dishes tonight?" or "Would

            You want him to wash them, or at                                    you bring in the plates?" or wait

            least help, but you never ask. You                                    for an easy night and say "Would

            sense he hates doing dishes. May‑                         you do the dishes tonight?"

            be you don't mind it as much as he                                   If he says no then graciously and

            does, so you go ahead and do it.                           simply say "OK. "

 

 

．他要去看电影，你想要去跳舞。通常         　　．你说：“你今晚要带我去跳舞吗？我

　　你不会坚持要求跳舞。                                         　　想跟你跳舞。”如果他说不，你就亲

切的说：“好。”

            He wants to go to a movie and                             You say "Would you take me

            you want to go dancing. Normally                                   dancing tonight? I love to dance

            you sense his desire to see the                                           with you."

            movie and you don't bother asking                                   If he says no, then graciously and

            to go dancing.                                                                simply say "OK."

 

．你们两人都累得想上床睡觉了。但明        　　．你说：“你可以把垃圾拿出去吗？”

　　天一早要收垃圾，你知道他很累，因                　　如果他说不，你就亲切的说：“好。”

此不要求他把垃圾拿出去。

            You are both tired and ready to go                                   You say "Would you take the

            to bed. The trash is collected the                          trash out?"

            next morning. You sense how                                          If he says no, then graciously and

            tired he is, so you don't ask him to                                   simply say "OK."

            bring the trash out.

 

．他很忙，时间被一个很重要的计昼占        　　．你说：“你能给我一点时间吗？”如

　　满了。他很专心，你不想让他分心，                　　果他说不，你就亲切的说：“好”

但又想和他讲话。你通常感受到他的                　　反抗，因而放弃要求他拨时间给你。

            He is very busy and preoccupied                          You say "Would you spend some

            with an important project. You                            time with me?"

            don't want to distract him because                                    If he says no, then graciously and

            you sense how focused he is, but                          simply say "OK."

            you also want to talk with him.

            Normally you would sense his

            resistance and not ask for some time.

 

．他很专心、很忙，但你的车子在店里        　　．你说：“你今天可不可以载我去拿我

　　修理，你通常认为他很难重新安排时                　　的车？”如果他说不，你就亲切的

间，因此没有要求他载你去拿车。                    　　说：“好。”

            He is focused and busy, but you                           You say "Would you give me a

            need to pick up your car, which                           ride today to pick up my car? It's

            has been in the shop. Normally                            being repaired."

            you anticipate how difficult it                                          If he says no, then graciously

and

            will be for him to rearrange his                            simply say "OK."

            schedule and you don't ask him

            for a ride.

 

 

以上的例子都是练习对他说“不”有心理准备，学习接受和相信他。接受他说不，相信他能力够时，会提供支持。每次你要求男人支持而他说不时，你没有让他觉得他错了，他就会给你五到十分。下次你要求时，他会比较有反应。你以爱的方式要求他的支持，是在帮助他提高给与的能力。

In each of the above examples, be prepared for him to say no and practice being accepting and trusting. Accept his no and trust that he would offer support if he could. Each time you ask a man for support and he isn't made wrong for saying no, he gives you between five and ten points. Next time you ask he will be more responsive to your request. In a sense, by asking for his support in a loving way, you are helping him stretch his ability to give more.

 

我是在数年前从一名女士那学到这个方式。我们正从事一个非营利的计画，需要一些义工，她想打电话请我的好朋友汤姆来帮忙，我告诉她不必打，因我知道汤姆此时不可能来帮忙。她说她还是会打，我问为什么，她说：“我打电话请他支持时，若他说不，我会很亲切、很了解。下次我再打给他要求支持另一个计画时，他会比较愿意说好。他对我会有好印象。”她说得对。

I first learned this from a woman employee years ago. We were working on a nonprofit project and needed volunteers. She was about to call Tom, who was a friend of mine. I told her not to bother because I already knew he would not be able to help this tune. She said she would call anyway. I asked her why, and she said, "When I call I will ask for his support, and when he says no I will be very gracious and understanding. Then next time, when I call for a future project, he will be more willing to say yes. He will have a positive memory of me." She was right.

　　

当你要求男人支持，不因他说不而拒绝他时，他会记得，下次就会比较愿意支持你。相反的，如果你牺牲你的需要，没有要求，他也不知道你需要他做什么。你不要求，他如何会知道呢？

When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember that, and next time he will be much more willing to give. On the other hand, if you quietly sacrifice your needs and don't ask, he won't have any idea how many times he is needed. How could he know if you don't ask?

 

　　当你要求男人支持，不因他说不而拒绝他时，他会记得，下次就会比较愿意支持你。

　　

当你逐渐要求更多，你的配偶偶尔会心甘情愿说好，此时，向他要求是安全的，这是建立健全关系的方法之一

As you gently continue to ask for more, occasionally your partner will be able to stretch his comfort zone and say yes. At this point it has become safe to ask for more. This is one way healthy relationships are built.

 

 

培养健全的关系

healthy relationships

 

配偶双方有权要求所需，也有权说不，这种关系就是健全的。

A relationship is healthy when both partners have permission to ask for what they want and need, and they both have permission to say no if they choose.

 

例如，我记得我女儿五岁时，有一次我和一位家里的客人站在厨房里。她要求我把她举起来，让她玩些把戏，我说：“不，今天不行，我很累了。”

For example, I remember standing in the kitchen with a family friend one day when our daughter Lauren was five years old. She asked me to lift her up and do tricks, and I said, "No, I can't today. I am real tired."

 

她坚持，顽皮的说：“拜托，爹地，拜托，只举一下。”

She persisted, asking playfully, "Please, Daddy, please, Daddy, just one flip."

 

客人说：“你父亲累了，他今天工作过度，你不应该要求。”

The friend said, "Now, Lauren, your father is tired. He has worked hard today. You shouldn't ask."

 

她马上回答说：“我只是问问。”

Lauren. immediately responded by saying, "I am just asking!"

 

　　客人说：“但你父亲爱你，无法对你说不。”

(事实是，如果他不能说不，是他的问题而不是她的。)

"But you know your father loves you," my friend said. "He can't say no to you."

(The truth is, if he can't say no, that's his problem, not hers.)

 

我太太和三名女儿马上齐声说：“哦，他可以说不！”

Immediately my wife and all three daughters said, "Oh yes he can!"

 

我为我的家人感到骄傲。虽然这种关系的建立花了不少时间，但我们都学习了解要求支持与接受“不”。

I was proud of my family. It has taken a lot of work, but gradually we have learned to ask for support and also to accept no.

 

 

步骤三：练习确定的要求

STEP 3: PRACTICE ASSERTIVE ASKING

 

若你已能亲切地接受“不”，你就已做好步骤三的准备了。本步骤是帮助你确定你所有的力量获取所需。你要求他的支持，若他仍反抗你的要求，你不要说“好”，你要练习接受他的反抗，但继续等到他说是。

Once you have practiced step 2 and you can graciously accept a no, you are ready for step 3. In this step you assert your full power to get what you want. You ask for his support, and if he starts making excuses and resists your request, you don't say "OK" as in step 2. Instead you practice making it OK that he resists but continue waiting for him to say yes.

 

让我们假设他正要上床，你要求他：“你可不可以去商店买些牛奶！”他回答说：“我很累，我要睡觉。”此时，什么都不要说，站在那里，接受他反抗你的要求。不要拒绝他的反抗，反而他会更有可能答应。

Let's say he is on his way to bed, and you ask him. "Would you reply with "I made you dinner, I washed the dishes, I got the kids ready for bed, and all you did was plant yourself on this couch! I don't ask for much, but at least you could help now. I am *so exhausted. I feel like I do everything around here."

 

　　确定要求的艺术是，要求后保持沉默。要求后，期待他呻吟、叹息、皱眉、咆哮、嘀咕、抱怨。女人通常误解男人的抱怨，误以为那是他不愿满足她的需求的方式，事实并非如此，他抱怨表示他正在考虑她的要求。如果他不考虑她的要求，他会平静的说不。男人抱怨是个好讯息表示他在试图考虑你的要求。

The art of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have made a request. After you have asked, expect him to moan, groan, scowl, growl, mumble, and grumble. A woman will generally misinterpret a man's grumbles. She mistakenly assumes that he is unwilling to fulfill her request. This is not the case. His grumbles are a sign that he is in the process of considering her request. If he was not considering her request then he would very calmly say no. When a man grumbles it is a good sign‑‑‑he is trying to consider your request versus his needs.

 

男人抱怨是个好讯息——表示他在试图考虑你的要求。

 

争论开始了。但你若知他抱怨归抱怨，心里已准备答应你，你就会以沉默反应。你的沉默表示你相信他正在斟酌答应你。

The argument starts. On the other hand, if you know that grumbles are just grumbles and are often his way of starting to say yes, your response will be silence. Your silence is a signal that you trust that he Is stretching Inside and about to say yes.

 

他会因考虑你的要求而改变内在反抗的方向。他的抱怨就像打开生锈的铰炼必会发生一些摩擦声，但一旦打开，摩擦声就消失了。

He will go through internal resistance at shifting his direction from what he's focusing on to your request. Like opening a door with rusty hinges, the man will make unusual noises. By ignoring his grumbles they quickly go away.

 

有时，男人抱怨是因他正想答应你的要求。女人因不了解他这种反应，而避免要求他支持，或以为他是针对你而发，因此也会以拒绝反击。

Often when a man grumbles he is in the process of saying yes to your request. Because most women misunderstand this reaction, they either avoid asking him for support or they take it personally and reject him in return.

 

前面提到的例子，他正要上床，你要他去商店买牛奶，他或许会抱怨。

In our example, where he is headed for bed and you ask him to 90 to the store for milk, he is likely to grumble.

 

他看起来很困扰，说：“我累了，我想睡觉。”

.I'm tired," he says with an annoyed look. "I want to go to bed."

 

如果你把他的反应误解为拒绝，你可能会回答：“我为你做晚餐、洗碗盘、哄孩子睡觉，你却只躺在沙发上！我不要求太多，但你现在至少要帮一点忙，我太累了，我觉得全家似乎只有我一个人在做事。”

If you misunderstand his response as a rejection, you might

• "I don't ask you for much."

• "It will only take you fifteen minutes.,,

• "I feel disappointed. This really hurts my feelings.

• "You mean you won't do this for me."

• "Why can't you do it?"

 

 

让男人答应你的秘诀

Programming a Man to Say Yes

 

某次，我正想上床睡觉，我太太要求我到商店买牛奶时，我开始思索如何让男人答应这个问题。我记得那天我大声抱怨，她没有与我争论，只是安静听着，以为我终会去做。最后我去买了，但上车时重重地关上车门。

I first became conscious of this process when my wife asked me to buy some milk at the store when I was on my way to bed. I remember grumbling out loud. Instead of arguing with me, she just listened, assuming that eventually I would do it. Then finally I made a few banging noises on my way out, got in my car, and went to the store.

 

但当我与新目标——牛奶接近时，抱怨不见了。我感受到我对太太的爱与支持，我觉得自己真是个好男人。相信我，我喜欢那种感觉。

Then something happened, something that happens to all men, something that women don't know about. As I now moved closer to my new goal, the milk, my grumbles went away. I started feeling my love for my wife and my willingness to support. I started feeling like the good guy. Believe me, I liked that feeling.

 

我在商店买到牛奶时很高兴，当我拿到牛奶瓶时，我完成了我的新目标。成就令男人舒服。我顽皮地将瓶子拿在右手中，看着瓶子说：“嗨，看看我，我为太太买了牛奶，我是大方的男人，真是好家伙。”

By the time I was in the store, I was happy to be getting the milk. When my hand reached the bottle, I had achieved my new goal. Achievement always makes men feel good. I playfully picked up the bottle In my right hand and turned around with a look of pride that said "Hey. look at me. I'm getting the milk for my wife. I go to the store and get some milk." 

 

我把牛奶拿回家时，她高兴地拥抱我，说：“真谢谢你，我很高兴不必换衣服出去买。”如果她忽略我，也许我会气她，下次她再叫我买，我可能更加抱怨。但她没忽略我，她给我许多爱。

When I returned with the milk, she was happy to see me. She gave me a big hug and said, "Thank you so much. I'm so glad I didn't have to get dressed." If she had ignored me, I probably would have resented her. Next time she asked me to buy the milk I would have probably grumbled even more. But she didn't ignore me, she gave me lots of love.

 

我看见自己的反应，听见自己的声音说，我太太多好呀！第二次她又要我去买，我仍旧抱怨，她也仍旧感激我。

I watched my reaction and heard myself think, What a wonderful wife I have. Even after I was so resistant and grumbly she is still appreciating me.

 

第三次她要求我买时，我比较不抱怨了，回来时，她又感激我，这次我主动说：“应该的。”

The next time she asked me to buy the milk, I grumbled less. When I returned she was again appreciative. The third time, automatically I said, "Sure."

 

一周后，她不再叫我买牛奶了，她说她已买了，令我惊讶的是，我竟然有点失望！我要买牛奶。她的爱使我乐意买牛奶。不管她何时要我买牛奶，我都会很高兴答应。

Then a week later, I noticed that she was low on milk. I offered to get it. She said she was already going to the store. To my surprise a part of me was disappointed! I wanted to get the milk. Her love had programmed me to say yes. Even to this day whenever she asks me to go to the store and get milk a part of me happily says yes.

 

我个人经历了这种内在转变。她接受我的抱怨和感激我的态度，使我较能回应她的要求。

I personally experienced this inner transformation. Her acceptance of my grumbles and appreciation of me when I returned healed my resistance. From that time on, as she practiced assertive asking, it was much easier for me to respond to her requests.

 

Instead of immediately letting him off the hook by saying "OK," say nothing. Stand there and accept that he is resisting your request. By not resisting his resistance there is a much greater chance he will say yes.

 

有目的的沉默

 

确定的要求，关键之一是要求后保持沉默。让你的配偶克服他的反抗，不要否定他的抱怨。你停顿保持沉默就有可能得到他的支持。若你沈不住气，你就失去力量了。

One of the key elements of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have asked for support. Allow your partner to work through their resistance. Be careful not to disapprove of his grumbles. As long as you pause and remain silent, you have the possibility of getring his support. If you break the silence you lose your power.

 

女人常因说下面这些话而不知不觉间打破沉默，失去力量：

Women unknowingly break the silence and lose their power by making comments like:

 

．哦，忘记我说的吧！

* "Oh, forget it."

．我不能相信你会说不，我为你做了这么多事。

* "I can't believe you are saying no. I do so much for you."

　　．我不会要求你更多了。

　　．我只要花你十五分钟。

　　．太令人伤心了，我很失望。

　　．你的意思是不肯帮我忙？

．你为什么不能做？

 

他抱怨时，她为了防御自己的要求，会错误地打破沉默。她企图说服他应该答应她的要求。但不管他答应或不答应，下次她再要求帮忙时，他会更加反抗。

 

确定的要求，关键之一是要求后保持沉默。

 

问问题，然后停顿，给他机会满足你的需求。让他喃喃抱怨，你只消听，他终会答应的。不要误以为他在以抱怨反对你，只要你不和他争论，他就不会反对你。

 

有时他可能不会答应，或问你一些问题以免去做事。小、心，你停顿时，他可能会问：

 

　　．你为什么不能做？

　　．我真的没时间，你可以做吗？

．我很忙，没有空，你在做什么？

 

　　有时，这只是习惯性的问题，你可保持沉默，不要说话，除非他真的要你回答。如果他要你回答，只简短地给一个，然后再要求。确定的要求意指有自信和相信他在能力范围内会支持你。以下为一些例子：

　　他如何反抗她的要求                                       　　她如何以确定的要求回应

　　“我没有时间，你能不能做？”               　　“我也很忙，请你做好吗？”然后再度

　　保持沉默。“我不要做这件事。”           　　“你如果做，我会很感激你。你能为我做吗？”然后再度保持沉默。

 

“我很忙，你在做什么？”                      　　“我也很忙，你能不能做？”然后再度保持沉默。

“我觉得我不喜欢做。”                          　　“我也不喜欢，你能做吗？”然后再度保持沉默。

 

注意，她不再试图说服他，但却抵御他的反抗。如果他累了，不要证明你比他更累，所以他该帮助你；若他真的很忙，不要试图说服你比他更忙。避免找理由认定他该做。谨记，你只是要求而不是命令。

Notice that she is not trying to convince him but Is simply, matching his resistance. If he is tired, don't try to prove tha t you are more tired and therefore he should help you. Or if he thinks he Is too busy don't try to convince him that you are more busy. Avoid giving him reasons why he should do it. Remember, you are just asking and not demanding.

 

如果他还是反抗，就回到第二步骤，亲切地接受他的拒绝，不要在此时表示失望，若随着他的意，他会记得你对他的爱，下次就会比较乐意支持你。

If he continues to resist then. practice step two and graciously accept his rejection. This is not the time to share how disappointed you are. Be assured that if you can let go at this time, he will remember how loving you were and be more willing to support you next time.

 

若你能照步骤做，你会经验到要求与获取支持的成功滋味。你在练习第三步骤的停顿时，也需继续步骤一和步骤二。得当的要求小事情和亲切地接受他的拒绝一样重要。

As you progress you will experience greater success 'm asking for and getting his support. Even if you are practicing the pregnant pause of step three, it is still necessary to continue practicing steps one and two. It is always important that you continue to ask correctly for the little things as well as graciously accept his rejections.

 

 

为何男人对要求十分敏感

WHY MEN ARE SO SENSITIVE

 

你可能会自问，为何男人对于他人的要求支持会这么敏感，这不是因男人懒惰，而是因男人非常需要被接受。任何超出的要求，他都认为是因为他现在的样子没有被接受。

You may be asking yourself why men are so sensitive about being asked for support. It is not because men are lazy but because men have so much need to feel accepted. Any request to be more or to give more might instead give the message that he is not accepted just the way he is.

 

正如女人分享感觉时，对别人的倾听与了解十分敏感一般，男人对女人接受他现在的样子也十分敏感，任何改进他的企图，他都会认为是他不够好，你才企图改变他。

Just as a woman is more sensitive about being heard and feeling understood when she is sharing her feelings, a man is more sensitive about being accepted just the way he is. Any attempt to improve him makes him feel as though you are trying to change him because he is not good enough.

 

火星的标语是：“除非坏了，否则不要修理。”男人一感到女人要求更多并试图改变他时，他得到的讯息就是她认为他坏了，他自然觉得你不爱他现在的样子。

On Mars, the motto is "Don't fix it unless it is broken." When a man feels a woman wanting more, and that she is trying to change him, he receives the message that she feels he is broken; naturally he doesn't feel loved just the way he is.

 

学习要求的艺术之后，你的婚姻关系会更坚固。你愈能收到你需要的爱与支持，你的配偶也会愈高兴。男人最快乐的时候就是满足了他们关心的人。学习得当的要求支持，不但帮助你的男人更感到被爱，也使你得到你应得与需要的爱。

By learning the art of asking for support, your relationships Will gradually become greatly enriched. As you are able to receive more of the love and support you need, your partner will also naturally be quite happy. Men are happiest when they feel they have succeeded in fulfilling the people they care about. By learning to ask correctly for support you not only help your man feel more loved but also ensure you'll get the love