Chapter 8 : Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs

第八章  男女不同的感情需求

男人与女人通常都没有意识到他们有不同的感情需求，所以不知道该如何彼此支持，男人通常只是给他们想给的，女人也给她们想给的，两方面都误以为对方的需求和由自己相同，结果两人都不满意、不高兴。

Men and women generally are unaware that they have different emotional needs. As a result they do not instinctively know how to support each other. Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful.

 

男女双方都觉得他们不停的给与，却没得到回报，他们觉得自己的爱没有被发现、被感激，事实上是他们都给了爱，但都不是对方需要的。

Both men and women feel they give and give but do not get back. They feel their love is unacknowledged and unappreciated. The truth is they are both giving love but not in the desired manner.

 

譬如，女人认为她问很多关心的问题或表达关心是一种爱的表现，正如先前所讨论的，这会造成男人的困扰，他可能会觉得中自己受控制而想要逃开，而她则感到迷惑，因为如果人家这样对待她，她会很感激，她不知道自己表达爱的方式反而是最令他困扰的。

For example, a woman thinks she is being loving when she asks a lot of caring questions or expresses concern. As we have discussed before, this can be very annoying to a man. He may start to feel controlled and want space. She is confused, because if she were offered this kind of support she would be appreciative. Her efforts to be loving are at best ignored and at worst annoying.

 

相同的，男人以为他们是在表现爱，但他们表达爱的方式却令女人觉得不被认同与支持，譬如在配偶难过时，他以评论减化她问题的严重性来表现爱与支持，他可能会说：“别担心，这没什么大不了的。”或者他认为要给她很多“空间”，让她冷静下来进入她的洞穴。他的支持方式，使她觉得自己微不足道、没有被爱、受到漠视。

Similarly, men think they are being loving, but the way they express their love may make a woman feel invalidated and unsupported. For example, when a woman gets upset, he thinks he is loving and supporting her by making comments that minimize the importance of her problems. He may say "Don't worry, It's not such a big deal." Or he may completely ignore her, assuming he is giving her a lot of‑‑­space"to cool off and go into her cave. What he thinks is support makes ber feel minimized, unloved, and ignored.

 

如果不洞察男女需求的不同、不了解女人在难过时，需要的是被倾听与被了解，男人就无法了解为什么女人不接受他的帮助。

As we have already discussed, when a woman Is upset she needs to be heard and understood. W'thout this insight into different male and female needs, a mail doesn't understand why his attempts to help fall.

 

 

十二种爱的需求

THE TWELVE KINDS OF LOVE

 

当我们需要爱时，便需整理自己复杂的感情。男女都有六种同等重要的爱情需求，男人基本上需要信任、接受、感激、赞美、肯定和鼓励；女人基本上需要关心、了解、尊重、忠诚、认同和安慰。充分了解这十二种不同的爱，才能担负满足伴侣需求的重大工作。

Most of our complex emotional needs can be summarized as the need for love. Men and women each have six unique love needs that are all equally, important. Men primarily need trust. acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Women primarily, need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. The enormous task of figuring out what our partner needs is simplified greatly through understanding these twelve different kinds of love.

 

检阅以下的明细表，可以协助你看出为何你的伴侣感受不到你的爱。最重要的是，当你不知该如何对待异性时，这张表可直接增进你们的关系。

By reviewing this list you can easily see why, your partner may not feel loved. And most important, this list can give you a direction to improve your relationships with the opposite sex when you don't know what else to do.

 

The Primary love Needs of Women and Men

 

Here are the different kinds of love listed side by side:

 

女人需要感受到　　男人需要感受到

Women need to receive      Men need to receive

 

．关心　　                   ．信任

        I. Caring                       I. Trust

．了解　　                   ．接受

        2. Understanding            2. Acceptance

．尊重　　                   ．感激

        3. Respect                      3. Appreciation

．宠爱　                   　．赞美

        4. Devotion                   4. Admiration

．认同　　                   ．肯定

        5. Validation                  5. Approval

．安慰　                       ．鼓励

        6. Reassurance               6. Encouragement

 

 

 

了解你的基本需要

Understanding Your Primary Needs

 

每一个人最终都需要这十二种爱。这里列出女人基本的六种爱情需求，并非表示男人就不需要这些，男人也需要关心、了解、尊重、忠诚、认同和安慰，但所谓“基本需求”是指，在能接受及感激其他类型的爱之前，必须先满足基本需求。

Certainly every man and woman ultimately needs all twelve kinds of love. To acknowledge the six kinds of love primarily needed by women does not imply that men do not need these kinds of love. Men also need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. What Is meant by "primary need" is that fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.

 

　　在能完全接受及感激其他类型的爱之前，必须先满足基本需求。

　　

男人必须在自己的需求被满足后，才能容纳及感激女人的六种爱情需求；同样的，女人也需要信任、接受、感激、赞美、肯定和鼓励，但她必须先能满足自己的基本需要，才会真正重视及感激另外这六种爱的表现方式。了解伴侣的基本需要是增进关系的强力秘方，记得男人从火星来可帮助你接受，男人有不同的爱情基本需要。

A man becomes fully receptive to and appreciative of the six kinds of love primarily needed by women (caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance) when his own primary needs are first fulfilled. Likewise a woman needs trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. But before she can truly value and appreciate these kinds of love, her primary needs first must be fulfilled.

Understanding the primary kinds of love that your partner needs is a powerful secret for improving relationships on Earth. Remembering that men are from Mars will help you remember and accept that men have different primary love needs.

 

　　

女人容易给与她需要的，而忘记她最爱的火星人可能需要别的东西；同样的，男人会倾向于注意他们所需的，而忘记遵循事实：他们所需的爱并不适合或不能支持他们最爱的金星人。

It's easy for a woman to give what she needs and forget that her favorite Martian may need something else. Likewise men tend to focus on their needs, losing track of the fact that the kind of love they need is not always appropriate for or supportive of their favorite Venusian.

 

这个爱情新诠释最有用、最实用的概念是：这些不同的爱情表现其实是互惠的，譬如，当男人表达他的关心与了解时，女人会由自动回馈他需要的信任与接受；当女人传达信任时，也有同样效果男人会自动回馈她所需要的关心。

The most powerful and practical aspect of this new understanding of love is that these different kinds of love are reciprocal. For example, when a Martian expresses his caring and understanding, a Venusian automatically begins to reciprocate and return to him the trust and acceptance that he primarily needs. The same thing happens when a Venusian expresses her trust‑a Martian automatically will begin to reciprocate with the caring she needs.

 

接下来以实用的方式阐明这十二种爱，揭露它们之间的互惠功能。

In the following six sections we will define the twelve kinds of love in practical terms and reveal their reciprocal nature.

 

一、她需要关心，他需要信任。

I. She Needs Caring and He Needs Trust

当男人对女人的感觉表示兴趣、关心她的幸福时，她会觉得被爱、被关心。如果他因此而让她觉得很特殊，他就已成功地满足了她的第一个基本需要，这样她自然而然会更信任他，变得更开放、更有包容力。

When a man shows interest in a woman's feelings and heartfelt concern for her well‑being, she feels loved and cared for. When he makes her feel special in this caring way, he succeeds in fulfilling her first primary need. Naturally she begins to trust him more. When she trusts, she becomes more open and receptive.When a woman's attitude is open and receptive toward a man he feels trusted.

信任男人就是相信他会尽其所能给伴侣最美好的一切。当女人对男人的能力和意向透露出积极的信念时，他的第一个基本爱情需要就被满足了，因此他自然会更关心和注意她的感觉和需要。

To trust a man Is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his partner. When a woman's reactions reveal a positive belief in her man's abilities and intentions, his first primary love need is fulfilled. Automatically he is more caring and attentive to her feelings and needs.

 

二、她需要了解，他需要接受。

2. She Needs Understanding and He Needs Acceptance

男人如果能不加判断，感同身受地倾听女人传达感觉，她会觉得自己被爱与了解。正确的了解态度是不对原已知道的个人想法或感觉预设立场，而是搜集他所听到的意思，进而确认彼此正在沟通的事。女人被倾听与被了解的需求愈得到满足，她就愈能轻松给与男人所需要的接纳。

When a man listens without judgment but with empathy and relatedness to a woman express her feelings, she feels heard and understood. An understanding attitude doesn't presume to already know a person's thoughts or feelings; instead, it gathers meaning from what is heard, and moves toward validating what is being communicated. The rnore a woman's need to be heard and understood is fulfilled, the easier it is for her to give her man the acceptance he needs.

女人以爱来接纳男人，不试着去改变他，就使他有被接受的感觉。接受的态度是不拒绝，这不是指女人相信他很完美，而是指她不试图改变他，她相信他自己有能力改进。男人一旦觉得自己被接受，他就会很乐于倾听，给与对方所需要与应得的了解。

When a woman lovingly' receives a man without trying to change him, he feels accepted. An accepting attitude does not reject but affirms that he is being favorably received. It does not mean the woman believes he is perfect but indicates that she is not trying to improve him, that she trusts him to make his own improvements. When a man feels accepted it is much easier for him to listen and give her the understanding she needs and deserves.

 

三、她需要尊重，他需要感激。

3. She Needs Respect and He Needs Appreciation

如果男人能认知和优先考虑她的权利、愿望和需求，她会觉得自己受到尊重。以送花或记得结婚周年庆的方式，表示尊重是满足女人第三个基本需要的必要手段。若她能感到受尊重，就能轻易表达出男人需要的感激。

When a man responds to a woman in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels respected. When his behavior takes into consideration her thoughts and feelings, she is sure to feel respected. Concrete and physical expressions of respect, like flowers and remembering anniversaries, are essential to fulfill a woman's third primary love need. When she feels respected it is much easier for her to give her man the appreciation that he deserves.

当女人因男人的努力与表现而受益和感到个人价值时，男人同时也会觉得自己受到感激。感激是被支持时的自然反应。男人感受到感激，就知努力没有白费，而会因此付出更多，也更主动尊重伴侣。

When a woman acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from a man's efforts and behavior, he feels appreciated. Appreciation is the natural reaction to being supported. When a man is appreciated he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to Ove more. When a man is appreciated he is automatically empowered and motivated to respect his partner more.

 

四、她需要专注，他需要赞美。

4. She Needs Devotion and He Needs Admiration

当男人优先满足女人的需求，并骄傲地承诺自己会支持她、满足她时，她的第四个爱的基本要求就得到满足了。女人因受宠爱与特殊对待而感到幸福洋溢。男人若将女伴的感受与需求看得比自己的兴趣如工作、读书、娱乐重要，他就能满足她的被爱需求。女人若感受到他将她视为生命中的第一顺位，她会欣喜地崇拜他。

When a man gives priority to a woman's needs and proudly commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, her fourth primary love need is fulfilled. A woman thrives when she feels adored and special. A man fulfills her need to be loved in this way when he makes her feelings and needs more important than his other interests‑like work, study, and recreation. When a woman feels that she is number one in his life then, quite easily, she admires him.

正如女人需要男人的专宠一般，男人也需要女人的赞美。赞美男人就是以惊奇、喜悦、肯定来尊重他。她如果因他的特质或才干而惊喜，男人就会觉得受到赞美，这些特质或才干包括：幽默、力量、毅力、正直、诚实、浪漫、仁慈、爱心、善解人意和其他所谓的传统品德。如果男人能受到赞美，他会很安心向她献出忠诚与宠爱她。

Just as a woman needs to feel a man's devotion, a man has a primary need to feel a woman's admiration. To admire a man is to regard him with wonder, delight, and pleased approval. A man feels admired when she is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents, which may include humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, and other socalled old‑fashioned virtues. When a man feels admired, he feels secure enough to devote himself to his woman and adore her.

 

五、她需要认同，他需要肯定。

5. She Hods Validation and He Needs Approval

 

当男人不与女人的感觉和需求反抗或争辩反而加以认同时，女人的第五个基本需求就完成了。男人的认同态度坚定女人去感受的权利(谨记，男人可以认同女人的观点，但也可保有自己的观点)。男人若能让女人知道他的认同态度，他必可得到受肯定的基本需要。

When a man does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants but instead accepts and confirms their validity, a woman truly feels loved because her fifth primary need is fulfilled. A man's validating attitude confirms a woman's right to feel the way she does. (It is important to remember one can validate her point of view while having a different point of view.) When a man learns how to let a woman know that he has this validating attitude, he is assured of getting the approval that he primarily needs.

 

男人内心都想成为他心目中女人的英雄或身披闪亮盔甲的武士，她的肯定就是他已完成考验的讯号。女人的肯定态度确认了男人的良善，也表达了对他的满意(谨记，肯定男人并非意味赞同他的想法、做法)。肯定的态度是在寻找或承认他行为背后的充分理由，当他得到他所需要的肯定时，他就能认同她的感觉。

Deep inside, every man wants to be his woman's hero or knight in shining armor. The signal that he has passed her tests is her approval. A woman's approving attitude acknowledges the goodness in a man and expresses overall satisfaction with him. (Remember, giving approval to a man doesn't always mean agreeing with him.) An approving attitude recognizes or looks for the good reasons behind what he does. When he receives the approval he needs, it becomes easier for him to validate her feelings.

 

六、她需要安慰，他需要鼓励。

6. She Needs Reassurance and He Needs Encouragement

当男人反覆表现关心、了解、尊重、认同、专注时，女人求取再次保证的需求就被满足了。男人安慰的态度使女人相信她一直是被爱的。

When a man repeatedly shows that he cares, understands, respects, validates. and is devoted to his partner, her primary need to be reassured is fulfilled. A reassuring attitude tells a woman that she is continually loved.

 

男人通常误以为他只要满足她所有爱的基本需求，使她感觉快乐、安全，她就会相信他永远爱她，其实不然，为了满足她的第六项基本需求，他必须记得要不断安慰她。

A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a woman's primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is loved. This is not the case. To fulfill her sixth primary love need he must remember to reassure her again and again.

 

　　男人通常误以为他只要满足她所有爱的基本需求，使她感觉快乐、安全，她就会相信他永远爱她。

　　

相同的，男人也要靠女人的鼓励才能满足基本需要。女人的鼓励态度使男人有勇气将信心表现在能力和人格上。女人表达出来的信任、接受、感激、赞美和肯定，都可以鼓励男人勇往直前。鼓励可以激发他给与她所需要的安慰。

Similarly, a man primarily needs to be encouraged by a woman A woman's encouraging attitude gives hope and courage to a man by expressing confidence m his abilities and character When a woman's attitude expresses mist, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, and approval it encourages a man to be all that he can be. Feeling encouraged motivates him to give her the loving reassurance that she needs.

　　

男人满足了这六项基本爱情需求后，他会把最好的一面表现出来，但如果女人不知道他的基本需求，以关心代替信任，就可能会在不知不觉间破坏两人的关系，下个故事正是这个例证。

The best comes out in a man when h's six primary love needs are fulfilled. But when a woman doesn't know what he primarily needs and gives a caring love rather than a trusting love, she may unknowingly sabotage their relationship. This next story exemplifies this point.

  

身披闪亮盔甲的武士

THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR

 

男人的内心都有一个英雄或身披闪亮盔甲的武士，他想尽力保护他所爱的女人并为她服务。当他受到信任时，就有可能表现出他最高贵的一面，变得更体贴；但当他感受不到信任、失去活力与力量时，他会马上停止体贴的行为。

Deep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armor. More than anything, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into this noble part of himself. He becomes more caring. When he doesn't feel trusted he loses some of his aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring.

 

一个身披盔甲的武士旅经乡间，突然在街上听到女人的哭泣，他马上会精力充沛策马飞奔，奔向她的城堡，她正被一只野兽困住了。勇敢的武士拔剑刺杀野兽，结果公主接受了他。

Imagine a knight in shining armor traveling through the countryside. Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress. In an instant he comes alive. Urging his horse to a gallop, he races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon. The noble knight pulls out his sword and slays the dragon. As a result, he is lovingly received by the princess.

 

城堡之门打开了，公主的家人和全镇的人民都欢迎他，为他庆祝。他受邀住在城中，人民视他为英雄。他和公主恋爱了。

As the gates open he is welcomed and celebrated by the family of the princess and the townspeople. He is invited to live in the town and is acknowledged as a hero. He and the princess fall in love.

 

一个月后，武士又出去旅行，回来时，听到他的爱人公主哭泣求救，另一只野兽正袭击城堡。武士抵达时，又拔剑要刺杀野兽。

A month later the noble knight goes off on another trip. On his way back, he hears his beloved princess crying out for help. Another dragon has attacked the castle. When the knight arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon.

 

在他跨出步伐前，公主从城堡里哭喊：“别用剑，用绳子比较好。”

Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower, "Don't use your sword, use this noose. It will work better."

 

她丢给他绳子，又好像在示范他该如何使用。他犹豫不决地跟从她的指示，将绳子套上了野兽的颈子，然后用力拉。野兽死了，每个人都很高兴。庆祝晚会上，武士觉得自己并没有立下功劳，因为他用的是她的绳子，而不是自己的剑，他觉得承受不起全镇人民的信任和赞美，他也觉得沮丧而忘了擦亮自己的盔甲。

She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it. He hesitantly follows her instructions. He wraps it around the dragon's neck and then pulls hard. The dragon dies and everyone rejoices. At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didn't really do anything. Somehow, because he used her noose and didn't use his sword, he doesn't quite feel worthy of the town's trust and admiration After the event he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armor

 

一个月后，他又去旅行，随手带着剑，公主叮咛他多保重，并把绳子交给他。他回来时，又看到一只野兽攻击城堡，他马上拔剑往前冲，心里却想着，也许可以用绳子，正在犹豫不决时，野兽向他吐火，烧伤他的右臂，他困扰地望向窗口，公主站在窗前向他挥手。

A month later he goes on yet another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful and tells him to take the noose. On his way Home, he sees yet another dragon attacking the castle. This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe he should use the noose. In that moment of hesitation, the dragon breathes fire and burns his right arm. In confusion he looks up and sees his princess waving from the castle window.

 

她大叫：“绳子没用了，用这包毒药。”

"Use the poison," she yells. "The noose doesn't work."

 

她把毒药丢给他。他把毒药倒入野兽的嘴里，野兽立刻死掉。人人欣喜庆祝，但武士却引以为耻。

She throws him the poison, which he pours into the dragon's mouth, and the dragon dies. Everyone rejoices and celebrates, but the knight feels ashamed.

 

一个月后，他又去旅行。随身带着他的剑，公主叮咛他凡事小心，并要他带着绳套与毒药。她的建议使他困扰，但还是把绳套和毒药放在行囊里。

A month later, he goes on another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful, and to bring the noose and the poison. He is annoyed by her suggestions but brings them just in case.

 

在旅途的某条街上，他听到另一个女人的哭泣，他冲去解救她时，心中的沮丧已完全消除，他重新充满了自信与活力。但在拔剑刺杀野兽时又犹豫起来，他不知道该用剑？用绳套？还是用毒药？公主会建议他用什么？

This time on his journey he hears another woman in distress. As he rushes to her call, his Depression is lifted and he feels confident and alive. But as he draws his sword to slay the dragon, he again hesitates. He wonders, Should I use my sword, the noose, or the poison? What would the princess say?

 

他困惑了好一会儿，随即他回忆起尚未遇见公主前，身上只带着剑的情形。他重新建立自信，丢掉绳套和毒药，以他信任的剑来对付野兽。最后，他刺杀了野兽，城民都欢欣鼓舞。于是，身披闪亮盔甲的武士再也没有回到公主身边，他留在这个城镇过着快乐的日子。后来他结婚了，但在结婚之前，他确信他的伴侣不知道关于绳套和毒药的事。

For a moment he is confused. But then he remembers how he had felt before he knew the princess, back in the days when he only carried a sword. With a burst of renewed confidence he throws off the noose and poison and charges the dragon with his trusted sword. He slays the dragon and the townspeople rejoice.

The knight in shining armor never returned to his princess. He stayed in this new village and lived happily ever after. He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons.

 

牢记每个男人的内在都是一个身披闪亮盔甲的武士，有助于你记得男人的基本需求。虽然男人很感谢你的关怀与帮忙，但有时太多的关怀和帮忙，反而使他信心骤减。

Remembering that within every man is a knight in shining armor is a powerful metaphor to help you remember a man's primary needs. Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it will lessen his confidence or turn him off.

 

你可能在无意中拒绝了伴侣

NOW YOU MAY BE UNKNOWINGLY TURNING OFF YOUR PARTNER

 

Mistakes women c~ make ~g doesn't fed loved

 

男女若不知道对方在乎的事，可能会彼此伤害。我们常可以看到男女不仅以反效果的方式在沟通，并且还常常拒绝对方。

Without an awareness of what is important for the opposite sex, men and women don't realize how much they may be hurting their partners. We can see that both men and women unknowingly cornmunicate in ways that are not only counterproductive but may even be a turnoff.

 

男人在没有得到他们所要的爱情基本需求时，会很容易受到伤害。女人通常不知道她们沟通的方式不但没支持男人，反而还伤害了他们的自负；她可能试着去了解他的感觉，但因他的基本需要与她不同，所以她无法直接帮助他。

Men and women get their feelings hurt most easily when they do not get the kind of primary love they need. Women generally don't realize the ways they communicate that are unsupportive and hurtful to the male ego. A woman may try to be sensitive to a man's feelings, but because his primary love needs are different from hers, she doesn't instinctively anticipate his needs.

 

女人若能了解男人的爱情基本需求，就更能掌握他不满的原因。以下是女人对男人的爱情基本需求最常犯的错误沟通。

Through understanding a man's primary love needs, a woman can be more aware and sensitive to the sources of his discontent. The following is a list of common communication mistakes women make in relation to a man's primary love needs.

 

 

        I. She tries to improve his behav‑             I. fie feels unloved because she

        ior or help him by offering                      doesn't trust him anymore.

        unsolicited advice.

        2. She tries to change or control his                      2. He feels unloved because she

        behavior by sharing her upset or              doesn't accept him as he is.

        negative feelings. (It is OK to share

        feelings but not when they attempt

        to manipulate or punish.)

 

Mistakes wow c~ make Wh S doesn't feel loved

 

        3. She doesn't acknowledge what              3. He feels taken for granted and

        he does for her but complains                  unloved because she doesn't appre­

        about what he has not done.                     ciate what he does.

        4. She corrects his behavior and               4. fie feels unloved because he

        tells him what to do, as if he                    does not feel admired.

        were a child.

        5. She expresses her upset feelings                       5. He feels unloved because he

        indirectly with rhetorical questions                       feels she has taken away her

        like "How could you do that                    approval of him. He no longer

                    feels like the good guy.

        6. When he makes decisions or                6. He feels unloved because she

        takes initiatives she corrects or                 does not encourage him to do

        criticizes him.                things on his own.

 

男人也和女人一样会犯同样的错误。他们通常不知道自己的沟通方式很不尊重与支持女人，男人可能知道她对他生气，但除非他了解她的需求与没感受到爱的原因，否则他便无法改变自己的沟通方式。

Just as women easily make mistakes when they don't understand what men primarily need, men also make mistakes. Men generally don't recognize the was s they communicate that are d srespectful and unsupportive to women. A man may even know that she is unhappy with him, but unless he understands why she feels unloved and what she needs he cannot change his approach. Through understanding a woman's primary needs, a man can be more sensitive to and respectful of her needs. The following is a list of communication mistakes men make in relation to a woman's primary emotional needs.

 

Mistakes men make W_ h she doesn't feel loved

 

        I. He doesn't listen, gets easily                 I. She feels unloved because he is

        distracted, doesn't ask interested               not attentive or showing that he

        or concerned questions.               cares.

Mistakes men "c Why she ~I fed loved

 

        2. He takes her feelings literally               2. She feels unloved because he

        and corrects her. He thinks                      doesn't understand her.

        she is asking for solutions so he

        gives advice.

        3. He listens but then gets angry               3. She feels unloved because he

        and blames her for upsetting him             doesn't respect her feelings.

        or for bringing him down.

        4. He minimizes the importance of                       4. She feels unloved because he is

        her feelings and needs. He                       not devoted to her and doesn't

        makes children or work more                  honor her as special.

        important.

        5. When she is upset, he explains             5. She feels unloved because he

        why he is right and why she                    doesn't validate her feelings but

        should not be upset.                    instead makes her feel wrong and

                    unsupported.

        6. After listening he says nothing             6. She feels insecure because she

        or just walks away.                     doesn't get the reassurance she

                    needs.

 

男人若能了解女人的基本需求，他就比较能掌握她的需求。

 

 

当爱情失败时

WHEN LOVE FAILS

 

人们因直觉地给与他们认为对方所要的，所以爱情常常失败。女人会主动关心了解男人，因为她们的基本爱情需求就是被关心、被了解，但男人常会把这种关心的支持视为她不信任他。他的基本需求是受信任而不是受照顾。

Love often fads because people instinctively give what they want. Because a woman's primary love needs are to be cared for, understood, and so forth, she automatically gives her man a lot of caring and understanding. To a man this caring support often feels as though she doesn't mist him. Being trusted is his primary need, not being m‑ed for

 

然后，如果他没有积极回应她的关心，她就无法理解为何他不感激她的支持。当然，他也给与对方自认为爱的方式，而这却不是她需要的，因此他们陷入了一连串无法满足彼此的失败中。

Then, when he doesn't respond positively to her caring she can't understand why he doesn't appreciate her brand of support. He, of course, is giving his own brand of love, which isn't what she needs. So they are caught in a loop of failing to fulfill each other's needs.

 

贝丝解释：“我无法只给与而没有回收。亚瑟不感激我所给他的。我爱他，但他不爱我。”

Beth complained, saying, " I )ust can't keep giving and not getting back. Arthur doesn't appreciate what I give. I love him, but he doesn't love me."

 

亚瑟解释：“我从来没把事情做好，我不知道该做什么，无论我怎么努力，她还是不爱我，我爱她，但一点用也没有。”

Arthur complained, saying, "Nothing I do is ever good enough. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything and she still doesn't love me. I love her, but it's just not working."

 

贝丝和亚瑟结婚八年了。他们因为没有感受到爱，几乎想要放弃这个婚姻。有趣的是，他们都认为他们给与的比回收的多。贝丝相信她付出很多，亚瑟觉得他付出的更多，事实上，他们两人都有付出，但都没有得到他们想要或需要的。

Beth and Arthur have been married for eight years. They both felt like giving up because they didn't feel loved. Ironically, they both claimed to be giving more love than they were getting back. Beth believed she was giving more, while Arthur thought he was giving the most. In truth they were both giving, but neither was getting what they wanted or needed.

 

他们彼此相爱，但因不了解伴侣的基本需求，所以爱情无法传达。贝丝给与她想收到的，亚瑟给与他想要的，结果两人都精疲力尽。

They did love each other, but because they didn't understand their partner's primary needs their love wasn't getting through. Beth was giving what she needed to receive while Arthur was giving what he wanted. Gradually they burned out.

 

许多人在关系发生困难时就放弃了爱情。如果我们能了解伴侣的基本需求，就比较容易维持彼此的关系。给与对方所需要的，可帮助我们免于事倍功半、精疲力尽。这十二种爱的不同基本需求使我们了解尢什么爱情会失败。为了满足你的伴侣，你必须学习如何给与对方所需的爱情基本需求。

Many people give up when relationships become too difficult. relationships become easier when we understand our partner's primary needs. Without giving more but by giving what is required we do not bum out. This understanding of the twelve different kinds of love finally explains why our sincere loving attempts fail. To fulfill your partner, you need to learn how to give the love he or she primarily needs.

 

 

男人学习心平气和倾听

LEARNING TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY

 

男人可以成功的满足女人基本爱情需求的第一方式是沟通。正如先前所说，在女人的世界里，沟通特别重要，男人由学习倾听女人的感觉，可以有效的表现关心、了解、尊重、专注、认同与安慰。

The number one way a man can succeed in fulfilling a woman's primary love needs is through communication. As we have discussed before, communication is particularly Important on Venus. By learning to listen to a woman's feelings, a man can effectively shower a woman with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.

 

男人倾听女人时的最大问题是容易沮丧或生气，因尢他们忘记女人是从金星来的，应该以不同于男人的方式和她们沟通。下表列出一些应该记得的差异及建议。

One of the biggest problems men have with listening to women is that they become frustrated or angry because they forget that women are from Venus and that they are supposed to communicate differently. The chart below outlines some ways to remember these differences and makes some suggestions about what to do.

 

谨记差异性

NOW TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY

 

 

What Lo remembe                  What to do and what not to do

        I . Remember anger comes from              I. Take responsibility to under­

        not understanding her point of                 stand. Don't blame her for upset­

        view, and this is never her fault.              ting you. Start again trying

                    to understand.

        2. Remember that feelings don't               2. Breathe deeply, don't say any­

        always make sense right away,                 thing! Relax and let go of trying to

        but they're still valid and need                  control. Try to imagine how you

        empathy.                       would feel if you saw

                    the world through her eyes.

        3. Remember that anger may come                       3. Don't blame her for not feeling

        from not knowing what to do to               better from your solutions. How

        make things better. Even if she                can she feel better when solutions

        doesn't immediately feel              are not what she needs? Resist the

        better, your listening and under‑              urge to offer solutions.

        standing are helping.

        4. Remember you don't have to                4. If you wish to express a differing

        agree to understand her point of               point of view make sure she is fin­

        view or to be appreciated as a                  ished and then rephrase her point

        good listener.                 of view before giving your own.

                    Do not raise your voice.

5. Remember you don't fully have                    5. Let her know you don't under­

to understand her point of view to                    stand but want to. Take responsi­

        succeed in being a good listener.              bility for not understanding; don't

                    judge her or imply she can't be

                    understood.

 

 

什么该做，什么不该做

 

　　1.谨记：你生气是因你仍了解她的观

　　1.有责任去了解她，不要责备她引起你

　　点，而并非她引起你的怒气。

　　的难过。开始尝试去了解。2.谨记：“感觉”是不会立即被了解

　　2.深呼吸，什么也不要说！放松，试着

　　的，但她仍然需要被同理。

　　控制自己想要评论的念头，试着想像

　　如果站在她的立场，你会有什么感受。3.谨记：生气可能是因你手足无措而引

　　3.不要责备她没有因提出你的解答而心

　　起，就算她不能马上感觉好些，你的

　　情变好。如果你的解答不是她需要

　　倾听了解一定会对她有帮助。

　　的，她怎么会觉得好过？提供解答

　　时，一定要避免争论。4.谨记：你不必放弃自己的观点，或完

　　4.如果你想表达不同的观点，请先确定

　　赞同她的观点，只为让她感激你是个

　　她已说完，然后在你表达之前先重复

　　好听众。

　　她的观点。不要提高你的声音。5.谨记：不要为了成为她的好听众而表

　　5.让她知道你不明白，但想了解。对自

　　现完全了解她的观点。

　　己的不了解负责，不要批评或指责她

　　的说法令人难以理解。6.谨记：你对她的感觉没有责任，她可

　　6.等到她觉得你已了解她后，再温和地

　　能好像在责怪你，事实上她只是需要

　　解释或道歉。

　　被了解而已。7.谨记：如果她真的让你生气，可能是

　　7.不要和她的感觉与意见争论，等情绪

　　她不信任你。她的内在是个受惊的小

　　较稳定后再拨出时间讨论事情。可以

　　女孩，害怕开放，也害怕受伤害，她

　　练习十一章提供的情书技巧。

需要你的仁慈怜悯。

What to remember What to de and what not to de

        6. Remember you are not responsible                   6. Refrain from defending yourself

        for how she feels. She may sound                        until she feels that you understand

        as though she is blaming you, but             and care. Then it is OK gently to

        she is really ~ to be understood.               explain yourself or to apologize.

        7. Remember that if she makes                7. Don't argue with her feelings

        you really angry she is probably               and opinions. Take time out and

        mistrusting you. Deep inside her is                       discuss things later when there is

        a scared little girl who is afraid of                        less emotional charge. Practice the

        opening up and being hurt and                 Love Utter technique as described

        who needs your kindness and                   in chapter II.

        compassion.

 

男人如果能不生气、不沮丧地倾听女人的感觉，就等于是给了她最美好的礼物。他使她在具备安全感的情况下表达自己，她表达得愈多，就愈觉得被听见与被了解，也愈能给与男人需要的爱的信任、接受、感激、赞美、肯定与鼓励。

When a man can listen to a woman's feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express herself. The more she is able to express herself, the more she feels heard and understood, and the more she is able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance. appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs.

 

 

女人学习授权的艺术

THE ART OF EMPOWERING A MAN

 

不但男人需要学习满足女人爱情基本需求的倾听艺术，女人也需要学习授权的艺术。女人若支持男人，就是授权给他、相信他的能力。当男人被信任、接受、感激、赞美、肯定和鼓励时，他便觉得得到授权。

Just as men need to learn the art of listening to fulfill a woman's primary love needs, women need to learn the art of empowerment. When a woman enlists the support of a man, she empowers him to be all that he can be. A man feels empowered when he is trusted, accepted, appreciated. admired, approved of, and encouraged.

 

如同在那个身披闪亮盔甲的武士故事中所看到的，许多女人试着要帮助她们的男人进步，但却在不知不觉间伤害了他。任何想改变他的企图，反而会夺走他对爱情的基本需求。

Like in our story of the knight in shining armor, many women try to help their man by improving him but unknowingly weaken or hurt him. Any attempt to change him takes away the loving trust. acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that are h's primary needs.

 

Give Trust and Not Advice

 

授权给男人的秘诀，是绝不要尝试改变他或改进他。当然你会希望他有所改变。但绝不要有这欲望。只有他直接请求特别的忠告时，才是他开放、心胸想改变的时候。

The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him. Certainly you may want him to change‑just don't act on that desire. Only if he directly and specifically asks for advice is he open to assistance in changing.

 

授权给男人的秘诀是，绝不要尝试改变化或改进他。

 

在女人的世界里，大家视提供忠告是一种爱的表现，但在男人的世界则不是。女人必须谨记，男人只在对方直接要求时才给与忠告，对男人表示爱的方式是相信他可以自己解决问题。

On Venus, it is considered a loving gesture to offer advice. But on Mars it is not. Women need to remember that Martians do not offer advice unless it directly requested. A way of showing love is to trust another Martian to solve his problems on his own.

 

但这并不表示女人必须压抑她的感觉，只要她不试着改变他，她当然可以沮丧甚至生气，任何改变他的企图都不会受到支持，而且会得到反效果。

This doesn't mean a woman has to squash her feelings. It's OK for her to feel frustrated or even angry, as long as she doesn't try to change him. Any attempt to change him is unsupportive and counterproductive.

 

女人爱上男人时，通常都会开始试着改变他们的关系，她的过度热情，使他成为进步的目标，她会逐步慢慢的改进他。

When a woman loves a man, she often begins trying to improve their relationship. In her exuberance she makes him a target for her improvements. She begins a gradual process of slowly rehabilitating him.

 

 

为何男人抗拒改变

Why Men Resist Change

 

她试过无数的方法想改变他或使他有所进步，她认为那是出于爱，但他却觉得自己受到操控、被拒绝、没有爱。他顽固地拒绝她，因为他觉得她在拒绝他，所以才会想要改变他。当女人试着改变男人时，男人并没有得到改变和成长真正需要的爱的信任与接纳。

In a myriad of ways she tries to change him or improve him. She thinks her attempts to change him are loving, but he feels controlled, manipulated, rejected, and unloved. He will stubbornly reject her because he feels she is rejecting him. When a woman tries to change a man, he is not getting the loving trust and acceptance he actually needs to change and grow.

 

有一次，我问演讲厅里数百名的男女，他们都有共同的经验：女人愈想改变男人，男人就愈抗拒。

When I ask a room filled with hundreds of women and men they all have had the same experience: the more a woman tries to change a man, the more he resists.

 

问题的症结在于女人误解男人抗拒的反应，她误以为他不愿意改变，也许是因为他爱她不够深，但他拒绝改变的更正原因是，他觉得没有得到足够的爱。男人若觉得被信任、接受、感激，自然会自动改变、成长、进步。

The problem is that when a man resists her attempts to improve him, she misinterprets his response. She mistakenly thinks he is not willing to change, probably because he does not love her enough. The truth is, however, that he is resistant to changing because he believes he is not being loved enough. When a man feels loved, trusted, accepted, appreciated, and so forth, automatically he begins to change, grow, and improve.

 

Two Kinds of Men/One Kind of Behavior

 

有两种男人，一种是女人想改变他时，他顽固地抵抗，另一种是同意改变，但过一会就马上忘记，恢复原状。男人对改变的反应，不是主动抗拒就是被动抗拒。

There are two kinds of men. One will become incredibly defensive and stubborn when a woman tries to change him, while the other will agree to change but later will forget and revert back to the old behavior. A man either actively resists or passively resists.

 

当男人觉得他的表现没有得到爱时，他会有意识或无意识地重复这个没有被接受的行为。他内在会有一股很强的力量强制他重复这种行为，直到他觉得得到爱与接受为止。想让男人改变，必须让他觉得被爱、被接受，否则他会抗拒，保持原状不改。他需要觉得他的表现被接受了，然后才能自行寻找改进的方式。

When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted. For a man to improve himself he needs to feel loved in an accepting way. Otherwise he defends himself and stays the same. He needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he, on his own, will look for ways to improve.

 

Men Don't Want to Be Improved

 

正如男人想解释女人为什么不该难过般，女人也想解释男人为什么不该有他们表现出的那种行为。男人错误地想“修正”女人，女人也错误地想“改进”男人。

just as men want to explain why women shouldn't be upset, women want to explain why men shouldn't behave the way they do. just as men mistakenly want to "fix" women, women mistakenly try to improve" men.

 

男人以火星人的眼光看这个世界，他们的座右铭是“没有坏就不要修理”，因此女人一且想改变男人—男人就以为她认为他出状况了，这不但伤害了男人，也使男人产生防御的心理，因为他没有感到爱与接受。

Men see the world through Martian eyes. Their motto is "don't fix it, If it isn't broken." When a woman attempts to change a man, he receives the message that she thinks he is broken. This hurts a man and makes him very defensive. He doesn't feel loved and accepted.

 

帮助男人成长的最好方法：不要尝试用任何方式改变化。

 

男人需要别人接受他，忽视他的缺点。要接受一个人的缺点很不容易，尤其是在我们认为他可以变得更好时，但是，如果我们了解帮助男人成长的最好方法是，不要尝试用任何方式去改变他，那么接受缺点就不会太困难了。

A man needs to be accepted regardless of his imperfections. To accept a person's imperfections is not easy,. especially when we see how he could become better. It does, however, become easier when we understand that the best way to help him grow is to let go of trying to change him in any way.

 

The following chart lists ways a woman can support a man in growing and changing by giving up trying to change him in any way:

 

NOW TO GIVE UP TRYING TO CHANGE A MAN

 

What she news to remember Whet she con de

 

        I. Remember: don't ask him too               I. Ignore that he is upset unless he

        many questions when he is upset              wants to talk to you about it.

        or he will feel you are trying to               Show some initial concern, but not

        change him.                   too much, as an invitation to talk.

        2. Remember: give up trying to               2. Trust hirn to grow on his own.

        improve him in any way. He needs                       Honestly share feelings but with­

        your love, not rejection, to grow.             out the demand that he change.

        3. Remember: when you offer                 3. Practice patience and trust that

        unsolicited advice he may feel mis‑                      he will team on his own what he

        trusted, controlled, or rejected.                needs to learn. Wait until he asks

                    for your advice.

        4. Remember: when a man                      4. Practice showing him that he

        becomes stubborn and resists                   doesn't have to be perfect to

        change he is not feeling loved; he is                     deserve your love. Practice forgive­

        afraid to admit his mistakes for                ness. (See chapter I L)

        fear of not being loved.

        5. Remember: if you make sacri‑             5. Practice doing things for your­

        fices hoping he will do the same              self and not depending on him to

        for you then he will feel pressured                       make you happy.

        to change.

 

What she me& I9 remember Whet she con do

 

        6. Remember: you can share nega‑                       6. When sharing feelings, let him

        tive feelings without trying                      know that you are not trying to

        to change hirn. When he feels                  tell him what to do but that you

        accepted it is easier for him to                 want him to take your feelings into

        listen.                consideration.

        7. Remember: if you give hirn                 7. Relax and surrender. Practice

        directions and make decisions                  accepting imperfection. Make his

        for him he will feel corrected                  feelings more important than per­

        and controlled.               fection and don't lecture or correct

                    him.

 

　　如果男女在学习互相支持时，不把个人的要求摆在第一，双方就能够自然地改变与成长。认真了解配偶的六个基本需求，你可以根据这些需求调整爱的支持，使你们的关系更和谐圆满。

As men and women learn to support each other in the ways that are most important for their own unique needs, change and growth will become automatic. With a greater awareness of your partner's six primary needs you can redirect your loving support according to their needs and make your relationships dramatically easier and more fulfilling.