Chapter 7 : Women Are Like Waves

第七章  女人象波浪

 

女人就像波浪般，当她身处在爱中时，她的自尊会如波浪般起伏；感觉好时，她抵达浪峰，情绪低时，便跌落波底。

A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self‑esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash is temporary. After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.

 

当女人的波浪升起时，她觉得自己可给与丰富的爱，但当波浪跌落时，她的内心空虚，需要爱来填满，跌落底点时也是她情绪大扫除的时刻。

When a woman's wave rises she feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. This time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning.

 

如果在波浪上升时，为了表示更有爱心，她压抑消极的感觉或隐藏自己，那么在波浪下跌时，她就会开始经历那些曾经被压抑的消极感觉和尚未被满足的需要。

If she has suppressed any negative feelings or denied herself in order to be more loving on the upswing of her wave, then on the downswing she begins to experience these negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. During this down time she especially needs to talk about problems and be heard and understood.

 

在跌落期间，她特别需要和别人谈论问题、需要被倾听与了解。

 

我太太邦妮形容这种“跌落”的经验就好像掉入黑暗的井中。当女人掉入她的“井”时，她意识到正沉入未知的出自己，沉入黑暗与扩散的感觉。她可能会经历一大堆难以解释的情绪和含糊不清的感觉，她可能会感觉无助、孤单、没有人支持。但当她处在低点时，若感觉到爱与支持，就会马上变好，她会自动上升，在关系中再度散发爱。

My wife, Bonnie, says this experience of "going down" is like going down into a dark well. When a women goes into her "well" she is consciously sinking into her unconscious self, into darkness and diffused feeling. She may suddenly experience a host of unexplained emotions and vague feelings. She may feel hopeless, thinking she is all alone or unsupported. But soon after she reaches the bottom, if she feels loved and supported, she will automatically start to feel better. As suddenly as she may have crashed, she will automatically rise up and again radiate love in her relationships.

 

女人的自尊起落犹如波浪，跌落低点时正是情绪大扫除的时刻

 

女人在关系中给与和接受爱的能力，正是她对自己感觉的反映，当她对自己不满意时，她绝不能接受或感激伴侣。在跌落期，她有不知所措或情绪化的倾向。当波浪跌入低点时，她变得比较脆弱，需要爱，这时也正是伴侣了解她的需求的好机会。

A woman's ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not feeling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner. At her down times, she tends to be overwhelmed or more emotionally reactive. When her wave hits bottom she is more vulnerable and needs more love. It is crucial that her partner understand what she needs at these times, otherwise he may make unreasonable demands.

 

 

男人如何对应波浪

NOW MEN REACT TO THE WAVE

 

当男人爱上女人时，她开始放出爱的光芒，大多数男人天真地期待她的光芒能持续永恒，但是期待她永恒的爱就好比期待天气从来不变，永远阳光普照一样。生命是种节奏----白天与夜晚、热与冷、夏天与冬天、春天与秋天、乌云与晴朗。同样的，男女关系也自有他们的节奏与周期，表现在爱的能力上，男人抽离又亲近，女人则是上升又跌落。

When a man loves a woman she begins to shine with love and fulfillment. Most men naively expect that shine to last forever. But to expect her loving nature to be constant is like expecting the weather never to change and the sun to shine all the time. life is filled with rhythms‑day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.

 

男女关系表现在爱的能力上时，男人是抽离又亲近，女人则是上升又跌落。

 

男人以为女人情绪的突然改变，完全是因他的行为所引起，她高兴时，他认为这是自己的功劳；她不高兴时，他也觉得应为此负起责任，他可能因不知该如何是好而陷入极大的挫折中。前一分钟她高兴，他相信是因为自己做得好，但下一分钟，她却不高兴了，这使得他既气愤又震惊，因为他一直以为自己表现得当，怎么也没想到她会突然不高兴。

A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible. He may feel extremely frustrated because he doesn't know how to make things better. One minute she seems happy, and so he believes he is doing a good job and then the next minute she is unhappy. He is shocked because he thought he was doing so well.

 

Don't Try to Fix It

 

比尔和玛莉结婚六年了。比尔一直想阻挠玛莉的波浪形态，他试着去“解决”，却愈弄愈糟。他以为她情绪起伏一定是哪里出了问题，他试着向她解释其实她不需要难过，只是徒增玛莉的困惑与沮丧而已。

Bill and Mary had been married for six years. Bill had observed this wave pattern in Mary, but because he didn't understand it, he tried to "fix it," which just made matters worse. He thought something was wrong with her tendency to go up and down. He would try explaining to her that she didn't need to be upset. Mary only felt more misunderstood and thus more distressed.

 

他认为自己是在“解决她的烦恼”，但实际上却是反其道而行。当她进入井中时，正是他学习在此时无条件给她支持而非解决她问题的时候。

The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn't be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can't fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.

 

比尔说：“我不了解我太太玛莉。她会连续几个礼拜扮演最称职的女人，无条件地爱我及任何人，但是突然又会为她所做的事手足无措，并且开始否定我。她的不快乐不是我的错，然而我向她解释却只会使我们吵得更凶。”

Bill said, "I can't understand my wife, Mary. For weeks she is the most wonderful woman. She gives her love so unconditionally to me and to everyone. Then suddenly she becomes overwhelmed by how much she is doing for everyone and starts being disapproving of me. It's not my fault she's unhappy. I explain that to her, and we just get into the biggest fights."

 

Although he thought he was "fixing it," he was actually preventing her from feeling better. When a woman moves into her well, he needs to learn that this is when she needs him the most, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed, but an opportunity to support her with unconditional love.

 

比尔像许多男人一样，错误的尝试阻止伴侣“跌落”或“沉底”，他想拉她一把以拯救她，他还没学到当女人跌落时，必须跌到底才能上升。

Like many men, Bill made the mistake of trying to prevent his partner from "going down" or "bottoming out." He tried to rescue her by pulling her up. He had not learned that when his wife was going down she needed to hit bottom before she could come up.

 

玛莉跌落的第一个朕兆是手足无措，但是比尔没有感同身受地听她说话，反而以解释为何她不该难过的方式企图拉回她。

When his wife, Mary, started to crash, her first symptom was to feel overwhelmed. Instead of listening to her with caring, warmth, and empathy, he would try to bring her back up with explanations of why she shouldn't be so upset.

 

别试著「解决”女人的低潮女人跌落的最后所求不是需要别人告诉她为何她不该情绪跌落。在这个时候需要有人伴着她，分享她的感觉，对她的经历感同身受。男人就算不能全然了解女人为何手足无措，也可以给她爱及更多的注意与支持。

 

Now Men Are Confused

 

渐渐的，比尔虽然知道女人像波浪一样有起有伏，但仍然觉得迷惑。他觉得太太陷在井中时，他练习倾听，当她谈到一些令她困扰的事时，他没有提供任何“解决”的建议，倾听二十分钟后他开始觉得很难过，因为太太的情况并没有好转。

After learning how women are like waves, Bill was still confused. The next time his wife seemed to be in her well, he practiced listening to her. As she talked about some of the things that were bothering her, he practiced not offering suggestions to "fix her" or make her feel better. After about twenty minutes he became very upset, because she wasn't feeling any better.

 

他告诉我：“我很专心的倾听，她也似乎很开放，分享得更多，但是她好像又渐渐难过起来，好像我愈听她愈难受，我告诉她不应该更难过，却引起大争论。”

He told me, "At first I listened, and she seemed to open up and share more. But then she started getting even more upset. It seemed the more I listened the more upset she got. I told her she shouldn't be getting more upset and then we got into a big argument."

 

虽然比尔有花时间倾听玛莉，但他仍然试着想解决她的问题，他期待她能马上好转，他不知女人在井中时，只要觉得有人支持就好，她不需要马上让自己好转，在支持她的当时，她的情绪可能会变得更糟，但那是她已获得帮助的讯号，他的支持可能帮忙她更快跌入底部，然后加快转好的速度。她先要沉入底部才能上来，这是周期。

Although Bill was listening to Mary, he was still trying to fix her. He expected her to feel better right away. What Bill didn't know is that when a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported she doesn't necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But that is a sign that his support may be helping. His support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is the cycle.

 

比尔感到迷惑的是，当他倾听时，她却没有从他的支持中获益，反而更加糟糕。为了防止这种迷惑的发生，男人必须记得：有时他成功地支持了她，但她却可能表现得更难过，如能了解女人在上升前需先沉入底部，男人就可以放掉期待，不必计较她为什么不能立即好转。

Bill was confused, because as he listened to her she appeared to get no benefit from his support. To him she just seemed to be going deeper. To avoid this confusion a man needs to remember that sometimes when he is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset. Through understanding that a wave must hit bottom before it can rise again he can release his expectations that she immediately feel better in response to his assistance.

 

就算男人成功地支持了女人，她也可能表现得更难过。

 

比尔学到了这个新的洞见后，就对玛莉更了解也更有耐性。学习如河支持掉在井中的玛莉后，他也明白自己无法预测她会难过多久——有时她的井会特别深。

With this new insight, Bill was able to be rnore understanding and patient with Mary. After becoming much more successful in supporting Mary in her well, he also learned that there was no way to predict how long she would be upset; sometimes her well was deeper than at other times.

 

 

重复的起伏与争论

RECURRING CONVERSATIONS AND ARGUMENTS

 

女人从井中出来时又会成为一个可爱的人，男人通常无法理解这种积极的改变，他们会以为困扰她的事已经完全解决或痊愈了，但这是不对的，这只是个假象，他只因她突然更积极、有爱心，就误以为她的问题都解决了。

When a woman comes out of the well she becomes her usual loving self again. This positive shift is generally misunderstood by men. A man typically thinks that whatever was bothering her is now completely healed or resolved. This is not the case. It is an illusion. Because she is suddenly more loving and positive he mistakenly thinks all her issues are resolved.

 

当她的波浪再度下降，同样的问题又升起时，他就没耐性了，因为他以为问题早就解决。所以如果不了解“波浪理论”，那么当她在井中时，就很难确定她的感觉。女人未解决的感觉又出现时，他可能会有不适当的回应：

When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. When her issues come up again he becomes impatient, because he thinks they have already been resolved. Without understanding the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in the "well."  When a woman's unresolved feelings recur, he may respond inappropriately by saying:

 

　　1.我们这样做已经是第几次了？

　　2.我早已听过了。

　　3.我想我们已经解决那件事了。

　　4.你什么时候才可以不必再说了？

　　5.我不要再谈这件事了。

　　6.真不可思议！我们又在争论同样的事。

7.你为什么有这么多问题？

I. "How many times do we have to go through this?"

2. "I've heard all this before."

3. "I thought we had established that."

4. "When are you going to get off it?"

5. "I don't want to deal with this again."

6. "This is crazy! We are having the same argument."

7.‑‑‑Whydo you have so many problems?"

 

女人一掉到井中，深藏的问题就会浮上表面，这些问题也许是在关系中形成的，通常是在过去的关系及童年就已深藏在心中。过去所留下待解决或待治疗的问题无可避免的要拿上台面，以下是她掉到井中时可能经验到的感觉：

When a woman goes into her well her deepest issues tend to surface. These issues may have to do with the relationship, but usually they are heavily charged from her past relationships and childhood. Whatever remains to be healed or resolved from her past inevitably will come up. Here are some of the common feelings she may experience as she goes into the well.

 

她掉入井中的警讯(迫切需要他的爱)

WARNING SIGNS FOR MEN THAT SHE   MAY BE GOING INTO HER WELL OR WHEN SHE NEEDS HIS LOVE THE MOST

 

她的感觉           　　她可能说

She feels                     She my say  I

 

．手足无措           ．太多事要做了。

        Overwhelmed                "There is so much to do."

．没有安全感       ．我需要更多。

        Insecure                 "I need more."

．愤怒                   ．每一件事都是我做。

        Resentful                 "I do everything."

．烦恼          　　 ．但是，那个……

        Worried                   ‑‑‑Butwhat about     "

．迷惑           　　．我不仅为什么……

        Confused                " I don't understand why"

．疲惫           　　．我什么事也做不了了。

        Exhausted               "I can't do anything more."

．无助           　　．我不知该怎么办？

        Hopeless                 "I don't know what to do."

．消极           　　．我不在乎，随你要怎么做。

        Passive       "I don't care, do what you want."

．要求           　　．你应该：…．

        Demanding              "You should"

．抑制           　　．我不想要……

        Withholding            "No, I don't want to"

．不信任       　　．你是什么意思？

Mistrustful                "What do you mean by that?"

．控制           　　．好，那么你……

        Controlling              "Well, did you         ?"

．否定           　　．你怎能忘记……

Disapproving             "How could you forget?"

 

当她在困难时刻得到许多支持时，她会相信和对方之间的关系，能够毫无冲突地进出井中，或者不必对生命做太大的挣扎，这是爱的关系带来的祝福。

As she feels more and more supported at these difficult times, she begins to trust the relationship and Is able to journey in and out of her well without conflict in her relationship or struggle in her life. This is the blessing of a loving relationship.

 

女人在井中时，男人的支持是她由衷感激的礼物。她会逐渐从过去的影响中解脱出来，虽然仍会有起伏，但却不至于过度掩盖她爱的天性。

        To support a woman when she is in her well is a special gift that she will greatly appreciate. Gradually she will become free from the gripping influence of her past. She will still have her ups and downs, but they will not be so extreme that they overshadow her loving nature.

 

 

了解女人的需要

UNDERSTANDING NEEDINESS

在我的关怀研讨会中，汤姆抱怨说：“我和苏珊在关系在初建立时，她看来很好强，但没多久就变得很软弱了。我安慰她，我爱她，她对我很重要。我们谈了许多后，这个障碍解除了。但是一个月后，她又有了相同的不安全感，好像把我们当初所讲的都抛诸脑后。我觉得很沮丧，因此大吵　　了一架。”

During my relationship seminar Tom complained, saying, "In the beginning of our relationship, Susan seemed so strong, but then suddenly she became so needy. I remember reassuring her that I loved her and that she was important to me. After a lot of talking we got over that hurdle, but then again a month later she went through the same insecurity. It was as if she had never heard me the first time. I became so frustrated with her that we got in a big argument."

 

汤姆很惊讶别的男人也有相同的经验。汤姆遇见苏珊时，她正在波浪的高峰，关系开始后，苏珊对汤姆的爱开始成长。当她抵达高峰后，马上就觉得自己很脆弱、占有欲很强，变得没有安全感，要求汤姆给她更多的关注。这是跌落井中的开端，但汤姆却不明白她为什么会改变。经过好几个小时热烈的讨论后，苏珊觉得舒服多了，汤姆也再度向她保证他的爱与支持，苏珊现在又往上爬了，他心里才觉得松了口气。

Tom was surprised to see that many other men shared his experience in their relationships. When Tom met Susan she was on the upswing of her wave. As their relationship progressed Susan's love for Tom grew. After her wave peaked, suddenly she started feeling very needy and possessive. She became insecure and demanded more attention. This was the beginning of her descent into the well. Tom could not understand why she had changed, but after a rather intense discussion that went on for hours, Susan felt much better. Tom had reassured her of his love and support, and Susan was now swinging up again. Inside he felt relieved.

 

汤姆以为已经成功的解决了问题，但一个月后，苏珊又再度跌落，和上次一样有相同的不安全感，这次汤姆失去了耐性，他一个月前已向她保证过他的爱与支持，但她却不相信他，这使他觉得受辱。出于自我防卫，他负面地批判苏珊需要他再次保证的需求，结果当然引起了一场争执。

After this interaction Tom thought he had successfully solved this problem in their relationship. But a month later Susan began to crash and began feeling the same way again. This time Tom was much less understanding and accepting of her. He became impatient. He was insulted that she would mistrust him again after he had reassured her of his love a month before. In his defensiveness he negatively judged her recurring need for reassurance. As a result they argued.

 

Reassuring insights

 

汤姆了解女人像波浪般，也知道苏珊重复的需求和没有安全感是自然、不可避免、短暂的现象。他也才知道过去他以为爱的回应可以、永久治疗苏珊内心深处的想法，是多么幼稚天真。

By understanding how women are like waves, Tom realized that the recurrence of Susan's neediness and insecurity was natural, inevitable, and temporary. He realized how naive he had been to think that his loving response to Susan's deepest core issues could permanently heal her.

 

当苏珊掉在井中时，汤姆学到让她轻易解决内心问题也成功地让他们免于争吵的方法：

Tom learning successfully to support Susan when she was in her well not only made it easier for her to do her inner healing but also helped them not to have fights at those times. Tom was encouraged by the three following realizations.

 

1.男人的爱与支持无法永久解决女人的问题，但他的爱可使女人安全地往井中探底。他学习包容女人的波浪起伏，每次他都会更支持她。

I. A man's love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman's issues. His love, however, can make it safe for her to go deeper into her well. It is naive to expect a woman to be perfectly loving all the time. He can expect these issues to come up again and again. Each time, however, he can get better at supporting her.

2.女人掉入井中，并非他的错或失败。为了支持她，他不能阻止她去，但却能帮助她渡过难关。

2. A woman going into her well is not a man's fault or his failure. By being more supportive he cannot prevent it from happen' rig, but he can help her through these difficult times.

3.女人掉落底部后，有能力自己升上来，男人不需替她解决这个问题。她没有崩溃，只是需要他的爱、耐心与了解。

3. A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom. A man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience, and understanding.

 

 

女人没有安全感时

WHEN A WOMAN DOESN'T FEEL SAFE IN HER WELL

 

女人在亲密关系中，波浪会有增加的倾向，但基本上，她会安全度过周期；同样的，她也会尽力伪装无事，压抑消极的感觉。

This tendency to be like a wave increases when a woman is in an intimate relationship. It is essential that she feel safe to go through this cycle. Otherwise she works hard at pretending that everything is always all right and suppresses her negative feelings.

 

女人在井中时如觉得不安全，唯一的警觉就是避免亲密与性爱，或经由耽溺的方法来压抑麻木的感觉，如饮酒、暴食、过度工作或过度关心。即使是耽溺于某些事物中，她仍会周期性地跌落井中，又不受控制地升上来。

When a woman doesn't feel safe to go into her well, her only alternative is to avoid intimacy and sex or to suppress and numb her feelings through addictions like drinking, overeating, overworking, or overcaretaking. Even with her addictions, however, she periodically will fall into her well and her feelings may come up in a most uncontrolled fashion.

 

你可能听过有许多从不吵架或争论的夫妻，突然决定离婚，在这种例子中，有大部分是女人为了避免吵架，压抑自己负面的感觉，结果日积月累下来，渐渐对爱情感到麻木而感受不到爱。

You probably know stories of couples who never fight or argue and then suddenly to everyone's surprise they decide to get a divorce. In many of these cases, the woman has suppressed her negative feelings to avoid having fights. As a result she becomes numb and unable to feel her love.

 

压抑负面感觉，会造成正面感觉也被压抑，此时，爱情便宣告死亡。避免争论和吵架是好事，但不是透过压抑来避免。我们会在第九章中探讨，如何在不压抑感觉的情况下又得以避免争论。

When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies. Avoiding arguments and fights certainly is healthy but not by suppressing feelings. In chapter 9 we will explore how to avoid arguments without suppressing feelings.

 

压抑消极感觉，会影响积极感觉也被压抑，此时，爱情便宣告死亡。

 

 

情绪大扫除

Emotional Housecleaning

 

当女人的波浪落下来时，正是她情绪大扫除的时候，若不经由情绪大扫除的发泄，女人会慢慢失去爱与被爱的能力，压抑感觉会使她的自然波浪受阻，而逐渐缺乏热情，产生没有爱的感觉。

When a woman's wave crashes is a time of emotional cleansing or emotional housecleaning. Without this cleansing or emotional catharsis a woman slowly loses her ability to love and to grow m love. Through controlled repression of her feelings her wave nature is obstructed, and she gradually becomes unfeeling and passionless over time.

 

有些有经前症候群的女人，为了避免处理负面情绪，会反抗自己的自然波浪，也有些成功处理自己感觉的女人，可以感受到经前症候群不会困扰她。我们将在第十一章探讨更多处理负面情绪的治疗技巧。

Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear. In chapter II we will explore more healing techniques for dealing with negative emotions.

 

就算是个自信、成功的女强人，也需要偶尔拜访一下她的井。男人通常都误以为如果他的女伴在工作表现上很成功，她就不会有情绪大扫除的时候，但事实上正好相反。

Even a strong, confident. and successful woman will need to visit her well from time to time. Men commonly make the mistake of thinking that if their female partner is successful in the work world then she will not experience these times of emotional housecleaning. The opposite is true.

 

尤其是女人在工作中，通常是处于压力和情绪的污染下，她迫切地需要情绪大扫除；相同的，男人在极端的工作压力下，也需要像橡皮筋一样抽离。

When a woman is in the work world she generally is exposed to stress and emotional pollution. Her need for emotional housecleaning becomes great. Similarly, a man's need to pull away like a rubber band may increase when he is under a greater amount of stress at work.

 

有项研究显示，女人的自尊通常在二十一到三十五天之问起落循环一次。没有研究表明男人多久会像橡皮筋般抽离一次，但我的经验是，男人的周期和女人差不多。女人的自尊周期不必然与月经周期一致，但平均是二十八天一次。

One study revealed that a woman's self‑esteem generally rises and falls in a cycle between twenty‑one and thirty‑five days. No studies have been done on how often a man pulls back like a rubber band, but my experience is that it is about the same. A woman's selfesteem cycle is not necessarily in sync with her menstrual cycle, but it does average out at twenty‑eight days.

 

当女人穿上上班服后，她就与情绪处理者的角色分离了，回家时，她需要伴侣给她温柔的、爱的支持。认知女人掉入井中并不会影响她的工作能力是很重要的，但掉入井中却会深深影响她与亲密爱人之间的沟通。

When a woman puts on her Business suit she can detach from this emotional roller coaster, but when she returns Home she needs her partner to give the tender loving support that every woman needs and appreciates at these times. It is important to recognize that this tendency to go into the well does not necessarily affect a woman's competence at work, but it does greatly influence her communication with the people she intimately loves and needs.

 

Now a Man Con Support a Woman in the Well

 

聪明的男人会设身处地帮助女人安全起落，他会放下判断与要求，学习如何给与必要的支持，如此便能在往后享受爱与热情不断滋长的关系。

A wise man learns to go out of his way to help a woman feel safe to rise and fall. He releases his judgments and demands and learns how to give the required support. As a result he enjoys a relationship that increases in love and passion over the years.

 

在学习支持女人时，他可能必须经历一些感情的风暴与干旱期，但终究会得到丰富的报酬。未启蒙的男人仍然一直陷在风暴和干旱的痛苦中，如果他不去明白爱惜井中的她的艺术，他们之间的爱会逐渐受到压抑，停止成长。

He may have to weather a few emotional storms or droughts, but the reward is much greater. The uninitiated man still suffers from storms and droughts, but because he does not know the art of loving her through her time in the well, their love stops growing and gradually becomes repressed.

 

 

她在井中，他在洞穴

WHEN SHE'S IN THE WELL AND NE'S IN THE CAVE

 

哈里斯说：“我回家就尝试每件在研讨会中学到的事，具的有效。我们很亲近，我觉得彷若置身天堂。但我的太太卡丝突然抱怨我看太多电视，她开始把我当孩子对待，我们发生了很大的冲突。我们一向处得很好，可是这回不知出了什么事。”

Harris said, "I tried everything I learned in the seminar. It was really working. We were so close. I felt like I was in heaven. Then suddenly my wife, Cathy, started complaining that I watched too much TV. She started treating me like I was a child. We got in a huge argument. I don't know what happened. We were doing so well."

 

这是波浪和橡皮筋同时发生的例子。参加研讨会后，哈里斯成功地对太太和家庭付出比以往多，卡丝很高兴，并且几乎不能相信。他们比过去更亲密，她的波浪正在高峰，持续几个礼拜后，有一个晚上哈里斯决定要看电视，晚一点再睡，他的橡皮筋开始向外拉，他需要抽离到他的洞穴中。

This is an example of what can happen when the wave and the rubber band occur around the same time. After taking the seminar, Harris had succeeded in giving more to his wife and family than ever. Cathy was delighted. She couldn't believe it. They had become closer than ever. Her wave was peaking. This lasted for a couple of weeks, and then Harris decided to stay up late one night and watch TV. His rubber band was starting to droop. He needed to pull away into his cave.

 

当他抽离时，卡丝深受伤害，她的波浪马上开始跌落，她认为他的抽离是他们新的亲密经验的终止。几个礼拜前她、心满意足，现在，她以为一切都完了。自她小时候，这种亲密状态就是她的梦想，他的抽离为她带来极大的震撼，对她内在那个敏感的小女孩而言，好像是先给婴儿一块糖，然后又把精拿走。这令她非常难过。

When he pulled away, Cathy was greatly hurt. Her wave began to crash. She saw his pulling away as the end of her new experience of intimacy. The previous couple of weeks had been everything she had wanted, and now she thought she was going to lose it. Ever since she was a little girl this type of intimacy was her dream. Flis pulling away was a tremendous shock to her. To the vulnerable little girl within her it was an experience of giving candy to a baby and then taking it away. She became very upset.

 

Martian and Venusian Logic

 

男人难以了解卡丝被遗弃的感觉。男人会很逻辑地说：“过去两个礼拜我表现得很好，难道我不应该为自己抽出一点时间？我给了你全部的时间，现在该给我自己一些时间了。你应该比过去对我更有安全感，更确信我的爱才对啊！”

Cathy's experience of abandonment is hard for a Martian to understand. Martian logic says "I have been so wonderful for the past two weeks. Shouldn't that entitle me to a little time off? I have been giving to you all this time, now it's time for me. You should be more secure and reassured about my love than ever."

 

女人也逻辑性地谈着不同的经验：“前两星期这么美好，我对你比过去更开放。失去你的注意力使我痛苦。我开始真正开放了，你却溜之大吉。”

Venusian logic approaches the experience differently: "These last two weeks have been so wonderful. I have let myself open up to you more than ever. Losing your loving attention is more painful than ever. I started to really open up and then you pulled away."

 

 

过去的感觉浮现

Now Post Feelings Come Up

 

若不能全然的信任与开放，卡丝就得花数年的时间以保护自己不受伤害。但是只要两个礼拜，充满爱的生活便使她比以前更开放，哈里斯的支持使她能安全地面对过去的感觉。

By not fully trusting and opening up, Cathy had spent years protecting herself from being hurt. But during their two weeks of living in love she started to open up more than she ever had in her adult life. Harris's support had made it safe for her to get in touch with her old feelings.

 

然而，突然间，她又会回到小时候父亲太忙的情形。她把过去未解决的问题和无助、气愤的感觉，全部发泄在哈里斯看电视的行为上。如果这种感觉不出现，卡丝便能欣然接受哈里斯看电视的举动。

Suddenly she began to feel the way she felt as a child when her father was too busy for her. Her past unresolved feelings of anger and powerlessness were projected onto Harris's watching TV. if these feelings had not come up, Cathy would have been able gracefully to accept Harris's wish to watch TV.

 

因为从前的感觉浮现，因此使他看电视的行为对她造成伤害。如果给她机会分享与探讨曾经受到的伤害，内心深处的感觉就会浮现出来。卡丝会先彻底掉入井中，再突然转好。再一次强调，就算他无可避免的短暂抽离使她难受，她也必须要相信彼此间仍然维持着亲密关系。

Because her past feelings were coming up, she felt hurt when he watched TV. If given the chance to share and explore her hurt, deep feelings would have emerged. Cathy would have hit bottom, and then she would have felt significantly better. Once again, she would have been willing to trust intimacy, even knowing it can be painful when inevitably he temporarily pulls away.

 

When Feelings Get Hurt

 

哈里斯不知道她为什么受到伤害，他去告诉她，她不应该觉得受伤害，于是争端又起。男人向女人说她不应该觉得受伤害是最糟糕的事，那会如揭疮疤似的使她更难过。

But Harris didn't understand why she would be hurt. He told her she shouldnt be hurt. And the argument began. Telling a woman she shouldn't feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say. It hurts her even more, like poking a stick into an open wound.

 

 

女人觉得受伤害时，她讲话的语气可能会听来像在骂他，试着向她解释她不应该觉得受伤害，只会使事情更糟糕。有时候正感觉受伤害的女人可以理智地同意她不应该受伤害，但她的情绪仍然会受伤，她需要的是人家了解她为什么会受伤害，而不是对方的指责或解释。

When a woman is feeling hurt, she may sound as if she is blaming him. But if she is given care and understanding, the blame will disappear. Trying to explain to her why she shouldn't be hurt will make matters much worse. Sometimes when a woman is hurting she may even agree intellectually that she shouldn't be hurting. But emotionally she is still hurting and doesn't want to bear from him that she shouldn't he hurting. What she needs is his understanding of why she is hurting.

 

 

无心伤害、争吵有理

Why Men and Women Fight

 

哈里斯非常不明白卡丝的受伤反应，他以为她要求他永远不要看电视。卡丝不是要求他放弃电视，只是要他知道，在那个时刻他看电视会使她痛苦。

Harris completely misunderstood Cathy's hurt reaction. He thought she was demanding that he give up TV forever. Cathy wasn't demanding that Harris give up TV. She just wanted him to know how painful it was for hen

 

女人本能的相信，伴侣如果有听到她的痛苦，就会为她做些改变。当卡丝述说她的伤害时，她只要他听然后向她保证，永远不会再成为过去那个耽溺于电视及要求她在情感上独立的哈里斯就可以了。

Women instinctively know that if only their pain can be heard then they can trust their partner to make whatever changes he can make. When Cathy shared her hurt, she just needed to be heard and then be reassured that he wasn't permanently reverting back to the old Harris, addicted to TV and emotionally unavailable.

 

哈里斯当然有权看电视，卡丝也有权难过；她有权被倾听、被了解、被安慰；哈里斯看电视没错，卡丝难过也没错。

Certainly Harris deserved to watch TV, but Cathy deserved the right to be upset. She deserved to be heard, understood, and reassured. Harris was not wrong for watching TV, and Cathy was not wrong for being upset.

 

男人争取自由的权利，女人争取难过的权利；男人要空间，女人要了解。

 

哈里斯因不了解卡丝的波浪，以为她的反应对他很不公平，他以为每次想看电视时，都得先要抚平她的心情，他变得暴躁，觉得由自己再也不能爱人、亲近人了。

Because Harris did not understand Cathy's wave, he thought her reaction was unfair. He thought he had to invalidate her feelings if he wanted to take time to watch TV. He became irritable and thought, I can't be loving and intimate all the time!

 

RESOLVING CONFLICTS THROUGH UNDERSTANDING

 

哈里斯觉得只是看个电视就会把她的心情弄坏，然而卡丝只是想要被倾听难过的感觉而已。他为了看电视而和卡丝争论，卡丝却是为了伤害与难过而和哈里斯争论。哈里斯认为，卡丝积了十二年的愤怒、无助，居然在两星期的爱情生活中可以全然消失，这简直是天方夜谭。

Harris felt he had to make her feelings wrong to gain the right to watch TV and live his fife and be himself. He argued for his right to watch TV when Cathy just needed to be heard. She ~ed for the right to be hurt and upset. It was naive for Harris to think that Cathy's anger, resentment, and feelings of powerlessness from being neglected for twelve years were going to go away after two weeks of being in love.

 

It was equally naive for Cathy to think that Harris could sustain his focus on her and the family without taking time to pull away and focus on himself.

 

哈里斯的抽离引起卡丝的波浪跌落，她一直没有被解决的感觉开始出现，在那一个晚上，她不只反应了哈里斯的看电视，也反应了数年来所受的漠视。他们的争论变成咆哮，经过两小时后，他们才真正彼此交谈。

When Harris started to pull away it triggered Cathy's wave to crash. Her unresolved feelings started coming up. She was not just reacting to Harris watching TV that night but to the years of being neglected. ]heir argument turned into yelling. After two hours of yelling they weren't talking to each other.

 

透过了解问题症结所在，他们可以解决彼此的冲突和伪装，哈里斯了解他的抽离触发了卡丝的情绪大扫除。在平静谈论后，他学到听她说话的重要，她也明白支持他自由的重要。

By understanding the bigger picture of what had happened, they were able to resolve their conflict and make up. Harris understood that when he started to pull away it triggered Cathy's time to do some emotional housecleaning. She needed to talk about her feelings and not be made wrong. Harris was encouraged by the realization that she was fighting to be heard, just as he was fighting to be free. He learned that by supporting her need to be heard she could support his need to be free.

 

他支持她被倾听的需要，她也会支持他对自由的需要

。

卡丝了解哈里斯抽离后会再回来，所以又再次经历亲密关系，她知道他们与日俱增的亲密关系会引发他的抽离，她也觉知她受伤的感觉会使他觉得被控制，以及他也需要感受到她不是要指挥他去做什么。

Cathy understood that Harris did not mean to invalidate her hurt feelings. In addition she understood that though he was pulling away he would be back and they would be able to experience intimacy again. She realized that their increased intimacy had triggered his need to pull away. She learned that her hurt feelings made him feel controlled, and he needed to feel she was not trying to tell him what he could do.

 

What a MM Con De When He Can't Listen

 

哈里斯问：“如果我不能听她说话，正要去我的洞穴时怎么办？有时候我一开始听，就会变得很生气。”

Harris asked, "What if I just can't listen and I need to be in my cave? Sometimes, I start to listen and I become furious."

 

我让他相信他是正常的。当她的波浪跌落而她最想被倾听时，有时候会引发他的橡皮筋抽离。他不能供给她的需要，他感同身受地同意：“对，我要抽离，她却要说话。”

I assured him that this is normal. When her wave crashes and she needs to be heard the most, sometimes his rubber band is triggered and he needs to pull away. He cannot give her what she needs. He emphatically agreed and said, "Yes, that's right. When I want to pull away, she wants to talk."

 

 

当他需要抽离时，支持她的三步骤

THREE STEPS FOR SUPPORTING HER WHEN HE NEEDS TO PULL AWAY

 

若男人要抽离、女人要讲话时，他勉强倾听只会使事情更糟。不消多久，他就会批评她，或者脾气暴躁、疲倦、困惑，而她则会更难过。当他不能关心、了解、尊重地仔细倾听时，可从下列三个方法得到帮助：

When a man needs to pull away and a woman needs to talk, his trying to listen only makes matters worse. After a short time he either will be judging her and possibly explode with anger or he will become incredibly tired or distracted, and she will become more upset. When he is not capable of listening attentively with caring, understanding, and respect, these three actions can help:

 

　　一、接受自己的要求。

你要做的第一件事是接受自己需要抽离，此时没有余力付出。不管你多想让自已有爱心，你当时就是无法仔细倾听。在无法倾听时，不要勉强自己去做。

I. Accept Yew Limitations

The first thing you need to do is accept that you need to pull away and have nothing to give. No matter how loving you want to be, you cannot listen attentively. Don't try to listen when you can't.

 

　　二、了解她的痛苦。

接着，你必须了解她要的是什么，而非你能给她什么。她的痛苦是应该的，别让她认为她过多的要求或伤害是个错误。当她需要你的爱却遭你漠视时，她会十分挫折；你要空间没有错，她要亲近也没有错。你可能会害怕她不原谅你或不相信你，但你如果关心及了解她的伤害，她会更相信你，更容易原谅你。

2. Understand Her Pain

Next, you need to understand that she needs more than you can give at this moment. Her pain is valid. Don't make her wrong for needing more or for being hurt. It hurts to be abandoned when she needs your love. You are not wrong for needing space, and she is not wrong for wanting to be close. You may be afraid that she will not forgive you or trust. She can be more trusting and forgiving if you are caring and understanding of her hurt.

 

　　三、避免争论，给与安慰。

透过了解她的伤害，别让她觉得她的难过和痛苦是错误的。虽然你不能支持她的需求，但也别让争论使情况更糟，只要安慰她你一定会回来，就是给了她最想要的支持。

3. Avoid Arguing and Give Reassurance 

By understanding her hurt you won't make her wrong forbeing upset and in pain. Although you can't give the support she wants and needs, you can avoid making it worse by arguing. Reassure her that you will be back, and then you will be able to give her the support she deserves.

 

 

以正确表达代替争论

What He Con Say Instead of Arguing

 

哈里斯想独处和看电视都没有错，卡丝受伤害的感觉也没有错，为了免除看电视权利的争论，他可以说：“我知道你很难过，但现在我很需要看电视轻松一下。待我舒服点后再谈，好不好？”这可使他在不伤害她的情况下，得到时间看电视，冷静下来准备听她受伤害的感情。

There was nothing wrong with Harris's need to be alone or watch TV, nor was their anything wrong with Cathy's hurt feelings. Instead of arguing for his right to watch TV, he could have told her something like this: "I understand you're upset, and right now I really need to watch TV and relax. When I feel better we can talk." This would give him time to watch TV as well as an opportunity to cool off and prepare himself to listen to his partner's hurt without making her hurt feelings wrong.

 

她也可能不会有心平气和的反应，但她会尊重他的决定，因篇她要的是他平时有爱心的样子。他不能付出他所没有的，能做的只是避免使情况更恶劣。关键在于他和她都需要尊重。他先取得他所需要的冷静时间后，可以再回来回应她的需要。

She may not like this response, but she will respect it. Of course she wants him to be his usual loving self, but if he needs to pull away, then that is his valid need. He cannot give what he doesn't have. What he can do is avoid making things worse. The solution lies in respecting his needs as well as hers. He should take the time he needs and then go back and give her what she needs.

 

　　男人因需要抽离而不能倾听女人受伤的感觉时，他可以说：“我了解你觉得受伤害了，我需要一点时间想想。让我们先暂停一下。”男人这样先行道歉及停止倾听，比试图去分析她的伤害好得多。

When a man can't listen to a woman's hurt feelings because he needs to pull away, he can say "I understand you feel hurt and I need some time to think about it. Let's take a time‑out." For a man to excuse himself in this way and stop listening is much better than trying to explain away her hurt.

 

What She Con Do Instead of Arguing

 

卡丝问：“他去洞穴后我怎么办？我给他空间，但我得到什么？”

In hearing this suggestion, Cathy said, "If he gets to be in his cave then what about me? I give him space, but what do I get?"

 

卡丝得到了他所能给的最好待遇。她想说话时，如果不硬要他倾听，就可避免争论引发大问题。然后等他回来后，她就可以得到他的支持——他已经为自己填满了支持她的能力。

What Cathy gets is the best her partner can give at the time. By not demanding that he listen to her when she wants to talk, she can avoid making the problem much worse by having a huge argument. Second, she gets his support when he comes back‑when he is truly capable of supporting her.

 

记住，当男人像橡皮筋一样抽离时，他会带更多的爱回来，他也更能倾听，此时是你们两人交谈的良机。

Remember, if a man needs to pull away like a rubber band, when he returns he will be back with a lot more love. Then he can listen. This is the best time to initiate conversation.

 

接受男人去洞穴的需要并不是说你们不需要谈话，而是指不管她何时想讲话，都不要奢望他会倾听。卡丝学会，有些男人有时不想听或说，但过些时候他又很乐意了。时间是很重要的因素，她知道自己可以不要放弃引发交谈，但要找出他愿意倾听的正确时间。

Accepting a man's need to go into the cave does not mean giving up the need to talk. It means giving up the demand that he listen whenever she wants to talk. Cathy learned to accept that sometimes a man can't listen or talk and learned that at other times he could. Timing was very important. She was encouraged not to give up initiating conversation but to find those other times when he could listen.

 

男人抽离时，正是女人寻找朋友支持的时候，如果卡丝想讲话，哈里斯不想听，她可以去找朋友，把男人当成唯一的爱与支持的来源，会使他喘不过气。当女人的波浪跌落，而她的伴侣又正在洞穴时，她必然需要其他的情感支持，否则她不但不能帮助伴侣，反而会怨恨他。

When a man pulls away is the time to get more support from friends. If Cathy feels the need to talk but Harris can't listen, then Cathy could talk more with her friends. It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support. When a woman's wave crashes and her partner is in his cave, it is essential that she have other sources of support. Otherwise she can't help but feel powerless and resent her partner.

 

把男人当成唯一的爱与支持的来源，会使他喘不过气。

 

 

金钱如何制造问题

NOW MONEY CAN CREATE PROBLEMS

 

克里斯说：“我完全糊涂了。我们结婚时很穷，两人努力工作，但仍然连房租都付不出来。有时我太太佩恩会抱怨她的生活太辛苦，这我绝对可以了解。但现在我们的经济情况大有好转，我们的事业也很成功，为什么她还是不快乐、常抱怨？其他女人可能会做许多其他的事来满足自己，但　　是我们却只会吵架。日子不好过时，我们过得很快乐，现在好过了却要离婚了。”

Chris said, "I am completely confused. When we got married we were poor. We both worked hard and we barely had enough money for the rent. Sometimes my wife, Pam, would complain about how hard her life was. I could understand it. But now we are rich. We both have successful careers. How can she still be unhappy and complain? Other women would give anything to be in her situation. All we do is fight. We were happier when we were poor; now we want a divorce."

 

克里斯不了解女人像波浪一样，他娶佩恩时，她的波浪偶尔会跌落，这时，他会听也会了解她的不快乐，他因和对方分享而很容易肯定她的感觉。就他的观察，她有很好的难过理由——他们没有足够的钱。

Chris did not understand that women are like waves. When he married Pam, from time to time her wave would crash. At those times he would listen and understand her unHappiness. It was easy for him to validate her negative feelings because he shared them. From his perspective she had a good reason to be upset‑they didn't have a lot of money.

 

 

金钱不能满足情感需要

Money Doesn't Fulfill Emotional Needs

 

男人有认为金钱可以解决一切问题的倾向。当克里斯和佩恩为告别贫穷而奋斗时，他能倾听及感同身受她的痛苦，然后设法赚更多钱让她免于不快乐。佩恩觉得他真正在关心她。但他们经济好转后，她仍然会偶尔难过，这时他就不了解她为何仍然不快乐。他以为她应该时时刻刻都很快乐，因为他们有钱了，而此时佩恩却觉得他不关心她了。

Martians tend to think money is the solution to all problems. When Chris and Pam were poor and struggling to make ends meet, he would listen and empathize with her pain and resolve to make more money so she wouldn't be unhappy. Pam felt that he really cared. But as their life improved financially she continued to get upset from time to time. He couldn't understand why she still wasn't happy. He thought she should be happy all the time because they were so rich. Pam felt that he didn't care about her.

 

克里斯不知道金钱不能阻止佩恩的难过。当她的波浪跌落时，他们便开始吵架，因为他一心要消除她难过的感觉。讽刺的是，他们愈有钱就吵得愈凶。

Chris did not realize that money could not prevent Pam from being upset. When her wave would crash, they fought because he would invalidate her need to be upset. Ironically, the richer they became the more they fought.

 

他们贫穷时，佩恩的痛苦都集中在金钱上，但女人在经济有了保障后，便开始注意到情感上的需要，这是一个自然、正常而且可以预料的过程。

When they were poor, money was the major focus of her pain, but as they became more financially secure she became more aware of what she was not getting emotionally. This progression is natural, normal, and predictable.

 

 

女人在经济需求得到满足后，便开始注意情感上的需求。

A wealthy Woman Needs More Permission to Be Upset

 

I remember reading this quote In an article: "A wealthy woman can only get empathy from a wealthy psychiatrist." When a woman has a lot of money, people (and especially her husband) do not give her the right to be upset. She has no permission to be like a wave and crash from time to time. She has no permission to explore her feelings or to need more in any area of her life.

 

当女人有了钱之后，人们(特别是她的丈夫)就不给她难过的权利，他觉得她的情绪不应该再像波浪一样有起有伏，他也不认为她应该探讨自己的感觉及生命里其他的需要。

A woman with money is expected to be fulfilled all the time because her fife could be so much worse without this financial abundance. This expectation is not only impractical but disrespectful. Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, a woman needs permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash.

 

当克里斯知道其实他可使太太快乐时，他受到鼓舞了，他记得贫穷时，曾设身处地认同太太的感觉，现在虽然富有了，他仍然可以故技重施，当他知道该如何支持她时，就不再感到无望。当他真心知道关爱和了解是满足她的来源时，他就不再认为只有金钱才可以使她快乐。

Chris was encouraged when he realized he could make his wife happy. He remembered he had validated his wife's feelings when they were poor, and he could do it again even if they were rich. Instead of feeling hopeless, he realized he did know how to support her. He had just gotten sidetracked by thinking his money should make her happy when really his caring and understanding of her had been the source of her contentment.

 

 

重视感觉

FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT

 

有时女人在不快乐时，如果不能得到支持，她就永远不会真的快乐起来。真正的快乐需要能放心的沉浸在其中，放松、治疗、净化情感，这是自然健康的方法。

If a woman is not supported in being unhappy sometimes then she can never truly be happy. To be genuinely happy requires dipping down into the wed to release, heal, and purify the emotions. This is a natural and healthy process.

 

如果我们要感受爱、快乐、信任、感谢等积极的感觉，那么我们也需要定期感受生气、忧愁、害怕及悲伤等。当女人去她的井中时，也是她治疗这些消极感觉的时刻。

If we are to feel the positive feelings of love, Happiness, trust, and gratitude, we periodically also have to feel anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. When a woman goes down into her well is when she can heal these negative emotions.

 

男人也需经历消极感觉才能体会积极的感觉，男人沉默地经历消极感觉时，正是他去洞穴的时候，我们将在第十一章将探讨对男女双方都有效的释放消极感觉的技巧。

Men also need to process their negative feelings so that they can then experience their positive feelings. When a man goes into his cave is a time when he silently feels and processes his negative feelings. In chapter II we will explore a technique for releasing negative feelings that works equally well for women and men.

 

女人走向波峰时，很能自我满足。但往下跌落时，就很在乎她错失了什么；她在心情好时，有能力反应生命中美好的事，但当她跌落时，爱的视觉就布满了乌云，而在乎她在生命中所错失的。

When a woman is on the upswing she can be fulfilled with what she has. But on the downswing she then will become aware of what she is issing When she is feeling good she is capable of seeing and responding to the good things in her life. But when she is crashing, her loving vision becomes cloudy, and she reacts more to what is missing 'm her life.

 

就像半杯水，你可当它是半分满或半分空；女人波浪上升时，也会看到生命丰富的一面，下落时，她看到的是空虚的一面。她上升时忽视的空虚感觉，在下落时都成了她注意的焦点。

Just as a glass of water can be viewed as half full or half empty, when a woman is on her way up she sees the fullness of her life. On the way down she sees the emptiness. Whatever emptiness she overlooks on the way up comes more into focus when she is on her way down into her well.

 

男人若不学习女人像波浪一般，就无法了解或支持他们的配偶。若男人在外事事顺利，而在与配偶的关系中却触礁时，会使他们充满困惑。但若能记得男女的差异，男人就可以在她最需要爱时，给她最需要的支持。

Without learning about how women are like waves men cannot understand or support their wives. They are confused when things get a lot better on the outside but worse in the relationship. By remembering this difference a man holds the key to giving his partner the love she deserves when she needs it the most.