正文
Why affairs are such a destructive behavior on marriage? Because affairs make the spouse feel unwanted, inadequent , therefore they feel angry, hurt, pain, ashamed... It hurt them right at the core of who they are. Instead of indulging in these negative feelings, I started looking resources to help understand affairs. I read many books, and I have to say they were all very helpful. The one that is particularly helpful for me was a book called "break free from affair" written by marriage therapist Robert Huizenga who has been working with couples for decades.
It was not exacly a book, it looked like couple of pages stapled together. On each page, there were not too many words in it, but I have to say everywords is worth of gold. What I learned is that not every affair are the same (this book catagorizes affairs into 7 catagories), people get into affair for different reasons: For example one of the type he described is the conquerors, These are people who often appeared to be confident, have no doubt that they will get and deserve what they want, expect others to serve them, ususally these are people with power, influence and status. The reasons for these type of people to get into affairs are the need for excitment, thrill and adventure, despite their outward strength, this type of people often face internal emptiness, they are like a steel tank filled with mashmallows. They will only stop the affair when faced with the possibility of losing their job, family, prestige, etc. and they will promise they will never do it again (and they mean it) but once the internal emptiness return, the person will resume chasing. Typically, these people are not willing to give up their families, but repeatedly cheat. I believe Bill Clinton belong to this catagory.
It is very easy to spot what catagory H and Z belong to. Of the general characteristic for H's catagory, H meet 13 out of 15 (you can not expect erverything fit, because there are millions people who cheat, and the book classify them only into 7 catagories). The fundmental reason people get into affair in this catagory is their weakness. The relationship of him with the other person will run a very predictable course as his relationship with me and his first girl friend. In the begining of the relationship, they view the other person as guiding star, they lean heavily on the other person(If you remember, when we started dating, I was doing good in school, he was not), overtime they view your strength as control, negative feeling develope which take years (10 years cycle for H, in happen in both my relationship with him and with his first girl friend). At that point, they will get into another relationship and the cycle continues. Typically in this kind of affair, the other person is the aggressor, but once the relationship form, he is strongly attached to the other person, and it will take long time to resolved (the author say 2-4 years from his experience ). In most cases of this type of affair, the marriage breakup, he marry the other person and start a new cycle. However, if the marriage is saved, the cycle break up, this can well be the only affair he will have. Maybe I am little bit more defensive of my husband here, I believe H was insecure person because of his childhood experience, his loss of job as the only bread winner in the family worsen the situation. If Z were not around, or has not been planning for years to attack him, how the situation will turn out, I do not know. But it is clear to me H had no interest on Z before he lost his job, and Z, after years planning, finding a perfect moment for herself when H was weakest..
Affairs provoke many negative feelings on the spouse, because it is an act of betrayl, a stab in the back to the spouse. Learning the fundmental reason of why H did what he did really helped me. What he did is not personal, he did because of his psychological make-up. Weather H intended to marry Z, how long it lasted is not a reflection of me, or their relationship. That is why after 2 years of their faked break up, when he confessed to me, I was not making a big fuss over it. Then negative feelings slowly fade away. It take years, and will probably never completely go away, but it can get to a point you restore peace in your heart. Replace those negative feelings was disappointment. My husband was never the person I perceived when I married him, that person never existed, the weakness in his personality was always there, I just did not see it. I wish I never have to experience what I experienced, but, what can be better than the truth? In a sense I am glad it did not happen later, not in the end of my life. Life have ups and downs, giving him ample opportunity to expose his weakness. He told me that was the biggest mistake he ever make in his life, I hope he really learned his lesson this time.
Can I love H again? Yes, it is possible to have loving and peaceful life again after an affair. Although this incident exposed his weakness, I came to realize everyone got weakness in one aspect or another. Even the president of the United States can be an internally empty person! I am glad I married for love in the first place. He is still the one who has the personalities I like, which made rebuilding the relationship easier. Is our relationship going back to what it was? No , never! But it does not mean our house is loveless. Nothing warms up a heart like forgiveness, he told me many times. Yesterday he told me: I do not want us to be survivors, I want us to be the ones who triumph. Love without any dirty spot is beautiful, love with tolerace, forgiveness, endurance is deep.
Is there still a chance H runs away or cheats me again? Of cause! Everyone does. 60% of men experiences affair one time or another, although many were never caught. I would wish H is appreciated enough on his second chance , or knowing enough now about himself, not to repeat his mistake. What I will do if he does again? I can not tell you, because I do not know. Years ago, I would have never thought I had any tolerance on infidelity and we are still together today. The more disappointing he is to me, the more I do not want our children to become him, the outcome will be determined by these two forces. If I decide its time to divorce, I will say to myself, I tried my best, I will not look back.
As to Z, her fundmental reason for the affair is her low self esteem. Typically these type of people experience rejection in childhood and as a teenager which was confirmed by Z. She told me once when she was in college and grduate school back in china, she was considered to be fat and short. "I was not chased" and she feel unwanted. Her hudband's affairs very early in their marriage make this feeling even worse. For this kind of affair, it is not important to marry, having sex relationship make her feel wanted, and that confirms she is OK as a woman. The chances of saving marriage is big for this type (I believe she only wanted to marry H for financial reason after H found job). This book also explains why Z is always so nice to people, eager to please them, because she understand what is like to feel not to be liked by others. When the affairs are reviewed, people around usually think its uncharacteristic of that person because she appears to be "nice". Remember, when I suspected something funny was going on between Z and H, I told myself she was too nice to do that? It also explains why making such a show of her denying H is so worthwhile, it's an announcement that she is dirable. I have to say her self esteem must be at extremely low level for her to be excited on the perspective of being raped by four men.
As you can see now, Z and H's behaviour stem from some kind of defect in their psychology. Maybe one day, the technology is advanced enough, we will just be able to locate a spot in their brain which explains everything. Your are right, we may all have a spot, in different location, with different size --- last Thurday's reaction my writting provoked fully illustrated that point. We all have our unique life experiences, each experience produce a different personality. I do not believe there is a perfect human being exist in this world. Once I was told : In psychologist's view, we all get problems. I can believe that. This believe also explain why I try so hard to not expose my children to a volatile life, because I do not want to give them that spot. Staying with H was not a leftover choice, it is the first choice.
I heard Z and L left the church. Its time to regroup, find new friends. They are considered to be a perfect couple somewhere by someone, not prepared, some of them may fall for Z again. H told me one reason he made his mistake was because he was not prepared, not putting his guard up because they appeared to be such perfect couple. I know it is a excuse, an excuse I am willing to buy.( just like Bill Clinton said, what I did is completely wrong, there is no excuse, but this is the situation how it happened....). I wonder what would have happened if they did not try so hard to pretend to be so great together, maybe their marriage will actually be better. I believe Z's revenge is way overdone. Even if she feels she is not, one would wish she is not targetting a marriaed person.
Sometimes I ponder why God let this happen. H searched for God all his life. He even went to his major trying to find the answer. Just when he thought he found Him, he failed. Z wanted find her self-worth, all she did was adding another name on the list of people who rejected her. Z and L tried so hard to show everyone how great their marriage were, only to reveal how bizzard it was. Or maybe God did let this aweful thing happen for a reason: Maybe I am suppose to bring a fresh idea to this community, perhaps one day this whatever-is-best-for-me-is best-for-everyone-else philosiphy will go away.
I have better news: all these reading does not only help me overcome the negative feeling brought out by the affair, but I learned a lot more on other adeas of marriage. We no longer argue who is right, who is wrong. We learned marriage is about comprimises. All marriage have problems, the question is how you deal with them. In the first ten years of marriage, I centered my life around my husband and children. I lost myself. Now I found it again, I stand up for myself and my children, and life is more fulfilling. My children also benefit: I encourage my very understanding daughter to speak up for herself, do not just giving in to others, so she would not made the same mistake as me. Recently we found a new church. H went talked to the paster, told him what happened to him in the other church, asking him to help us find a bible study group with little temptations, but with a good mentor. My biggest wish for my husband is do not disappoint me and our children, but more importantly, when he ended his jurney in this world, when he is standing in front of the judgement seat, he will be proud of himself.
There is an old saying, What did not kill you make you stonger, I believe full heartedly.
To the readers:
To those who are divorced with children from previous marriage, I do not intend to accuse you. You did your best, and that is enough for any one. I agree with you, if the peace and love can not be restored in the family, it is probably not worth it to save,
To those who are cheated and going through stuggle right now, I wish you success. It is not your fall, even if they say it is. They just want to find justification for themself. Do not buy it! Your are a wonderful person. May peace and grace be with you.
To those who has been cheated and still angry, get a copy of book "break free from affairs", understand why they cheated you. It will give you peace. Angry feeling does not do anything to the person you are angry at, but it is poisoning you. Forgive them, and it will do good for you.
To those who are cheating, affairs are destuctive behaviors. It indicate you get problems, not your spouse, get help. Affairs are like contagious disease, or cancer, spread from one family to another, one generation to the next, threating the whole human race.
Yo those who has happy family life now, I am happy for you. Do not ruin it. You have something very precious, once you ruin it, it will never come back.
Attached is a copy of the comment I received last Friday from 洁心. It seems she explained why I did what I did better than me:
It was not exacly a book, it looked like couple of pages stapled together. On each page, there were not too many words in it, but I have to say everywords is worth of gold. What I learned is that not every affair are the same (this book catagorizes affairs into 7 catagories), people get into affair for different reasons: For example one of the type he described is the conquerors, These are people who often appeared to be confident, have no doubt that they will get and deserve what they want, expect others to serve them, ususally these are people with power, influence and status. The reasons for these type of people to get into affairs are the need for excitment, thrill and adventure, despite their outward strength, this type of people often face internal emptiness, they are like a steel tank filled with mashmallows. They will only stop the affair when faced with the possibility of losing their job, family, prestige, etc. and they will promise they will never do it again (and they mean it) but once the internal emptiness return, the person will resume chasing. Typically, these people are not willing to give up their families, but repeatedly cheat. I believe Bill Clinton belong to this catagory.
It is very easy to spot what catagory H and Z belong to. Of the general characteristic for H's catagory, H meet 13 out of 15 (you can not expect erverything fit, because there are millions people who cheat, and the book classify them only into 7 catagories). The fundmental reason people get into affair in this catagory is their weakness. The relationship of him with the other person will run a very predictable course as his relationship with me and his first girl friend. In the begining of the relationship, they view the other person as guiding star, they lean heavily on the other person(If you remember, when we started dating, I was doing good in school, he was not), overtime they view your strength as control, negative feeling develope which take years (10 years cycle for H, in happen in both my relationship with him and with his first girl friend). At that point, they will get into another relationship and the cycle continues. Typically in this kind of affair, the other person is the aggressor, but once the relationship form, he is strongly attached to the other person, and it will take long time to resolved (the author say 2-4 years from his experience ). In most cases of this type of affair, the marriage breakup, he marry the other person and start a new cycle. However, if the marriage is saved, the cycle break up, this can well be the only affair he will have. Maybe I am little bit more defensive of my husband here, I believe H was insecure person because of his childhood experience, his loss of job as the only bread winner in the family worsen the situation. If Z were not around, or has not been planning for years to attack him, how the situation will turn out, I do not know. But it is clear to me H had no interest on Z before he lost his job, and Z, after years planning, finding a perfect moment for herself when H was weakest..
Affairs provoke many negative feelings on the spouse, because it is an act of betrayl, a stab in the back to the spouse. Learning the fundmental reason of why H did what he did really helped me. What he did is not personal, he did because of his psychological make-up. Weather H intended to marry Z, how long it lasted is not a reflection of me, or their relationship. That is why after 2 years of their faked break up, when he confessed to me, I was not making a big fuss over it. Then negative feelings slowly fade away. It take years, and will probably never completely go away, but it can get to a point you restore peace in your heart. Replace those negative feelings was disappointment. My husband was never the person I perceived when I married him, that person never existed, the weakness in his personality was always there, I just did not see it. I wish I never have to experience what I experienced, but, what can be better than the truth? In a sense I am glad it did not happen later, not in the end of my life. Life have ups and downs, giving him ample opportunity to expose his weakness. He told me that was the biggest mistake he ever make in his life, I hope he really learned his lesson this time.
Can I love H again? Yes, it is possible to have loving and peaceful life again after an affair. Although this incident exposed his weakness, I came to realize everyone got weakness in one aspect or another. Even the president of the United States can be an internally empty person! I am glad I married for love in the first place. He is still the one who has the personalities I like, which made rebuilding the relationship easier. Is our relationship going back to what it was? No , never! But it does not mean our house is loveless. Nothing warms up a heart like forgiveness, he told me many times. Yesterday he told me: I do not want us to be survivors, I want us to be the ones who triumph. Love without any dirty spot is beautiful, love with tolerace, forgiveness, endurance is deep.
Is there still a chance H runs away or cheats me again? Of cause! Everyone does. 60% of men experiences affair one time or another, although many were never caught. I would wish H is appreciated enough on his second chance , or knowing enough now about himself, not to repeat his mistake. What I will do if he does again? I can not tell you, because I do not know. Years ago, I would have never thought I had any tolerance on infidelity and we are still together today. The more disappointing he is to me, the more I do not want our children to become him, the outcome will be determined by these two forces. If I decide its time to divorce, I will say to myself, I tried my best, I will not look back.
As to Z, her fundmental reason for the affair is her low self esteem. Typically these type of people experience rejection in childhood and as a teenager which was confirmed by Z. She told me once when she was in college and grduate school back in china, she was considered to be fat and short. "I was not chased" and she feel unwanted. Her hudband's affairs very early in their marriage make this feeling even worse. For this kind of affair, it is not important to marry, having sex relationship make her feel wanted, and that confirms she is OK as a woman. The chances of saving marriage is big for this type (I believe she only wanted to marry H for financial reason after H found job). This book also explains why Z is always so nice to people, eager to please them, because she understand what is like to feel not to be liked by others. When the affairs are reviewed, people around usually think its uncharacteristic of that person because she appears to be "nice". Remember, when I suspected something funny was going on between Z and H, I told myself she was too nice to do that? It also explains why making such a show of her denying H is so worthwhile, it's an announcement that she is dirable. I have to say her self esteem must be at extremely low level for her to be excited on the perspective of being raped by four men.
As you can see now, Z and H's behaviour stem from some kind of defect in their psychology. Maybe one day, the technology is advanced enough, we will just be able to locate a spot in their brain which explains everything. Your are right, we may all have a spot, in different location, with different size --- last Thurday's reaction my writting provoked fully illustrated that point. We all have our unique life experiences, each experience produce a different personality. I do not believe there is a perfect human being exist in this world. Once I was told : In psychologist's view, we all get problems. I can believe that. This believe also explain why I try so hard to not expose my children to a volatile life, because I do not want to give them that spot. Staying with H was not a leftover choice, it is the first choice.
I heard Z and L left the church. Its time to regroup, find new friends. They are considered to be a perfect couple somewhere by someone, not prepared, some of them may fall for Z again. H told me one reason he made his mistake was because he was not prepared, not putting his guard up because they appeared to be such perfect couple. I know it is a excuse, an excuse I am willing to buy.( just like Bill Clinton said, what I did is completely wrong, there is no excuse, but this is the situation how it happened....). I wonder what would have happened if they did not try so hard to pretend to be so great together, maybe their marriage will actually be better. I believe Z's revenge is way overdone. Even if she feels she is not, one would wish she is not targetting a marriaed person.
Sometimes I ponder why God let this happen. H searched for God all his life. He even went to his major trying to find the answer. Just when he thought he found Him, he failed. Z wanted find her self-worth, all she did was adding another name on the list of people who rejected her. Z and L tried so hard to show everyone how great their marriage were, only to reveal how bizzard it was. Or maybe God did let this aweful thing happen for a reason: Maybe I am suppose to bring a fresh idea to this community, perhaps one day this whatever-is-best-for-me-is best-for-everyone-else philosiphy will go away.
I have better news: all these reading does not only help me overcome the negative feeling brought out by the affair, but I learned a lot more on other adeas of marriage. We no longer argue who is right, who is wrong. We learned marriage is about comprimises. All marriage have problems, the question is how you deal with them. In the first ten years of marriage, I centered my life around my husband and children. I lost myself. Now I found it again, I stand up for myself and my children, and life is more fulfilling. My children also benefit: I encourage my very understanding daughter to speak up for herself, do not just giving in to others, so she would not made the same mistake as me. Recently we found a new church. H went talked to the paster, told him what happened to him in the other church, asking him to help us find a bible study group with little temptations, but with a good mentor. My biggest wish for my husband is do not disappoint me and our children, but more importantly, when he ended his jurney in this world, when he is standing in front of the judgement seat, he will be proud of himself.
There is an old saying, What did not kill you make you stonger, I believe full heartedly.
To the readers:
To those who are divorced with children from previous marriage, I do not intend to accuse you. You did your best, and that is enough for any one. I agree with you, if the peace and love can not be restored in the family, it is probably not worth it to save,
To those who are cheated and going through stuggle right now, I wish you success. It is not your fall, even if they say it is. They just want to find justification for themself. Do not buy it! Your are a wonderful person. May peace and grace be with you.
To those who has been cheated and still angry, get a copy of book "break free from affairs", understand why they cheated you. It will give you peace. Angry feeling does not do anything to the person you are angry at, but it is poisoning you. Forgive them, and it will do good for you.
To those who are cheating, affairs are destuctive behaviors. It indicate you get problems, not your spouse, get help. Affairs are like contagious disease, or cancer, spread from one family to another, one generation to the next, threating the whole human race.
Yo those who has happy family life now, I am happy for you. Do not ruin it. You have something very precious, once you ruin it, it will never come back.
Attached is a copy of the comment I received last Friday from 洁心. It seems she explained why I did what I did better than me:
| “As aweful as the experience had been, it sounds like you've really learned what you needed to learn from it. And you are a stronger woman for it. Instead of turning into a bitter woman and being dragged down into the bottomless hole of low self esteem and feeling not loved, you dug deep and you found forgiveness and compassion in your heart. You could have easily decided to go have an affair just like Z did upon discovering her husband's infidelity, and yet you made a different choice because having an affair was not in you. And by doing so you broke the vicious cycle of using affairs as fillers for one's self esteem in this saga. The spot you talk about is in our subconscious(潜意识）, where all of our emotions and value systems reside. So for example, if you look at persons with drinking problems, a lot of time they are from families with that history. The behaviours all around this person as a child became part of his belief system, so without knowing, this person may decide to turn to the bottle when things become too stressful or too upsetting, because he has witnessed someone else in the family doing that to calm themselves down. And yet when you ask them about their drinking problems, 9 out of 10 times they'll tell you that they want to kick the habbit because it is so destructive. At the conscious level, they know it is very, very bad for them and they truly want to be rid of it, and yet they don't know how to do it because that "spot" in their subconscious level, that belief system has formed a habitual response when they are stressed. It is not to say that we are helpless in those situations, that is where the inner works begin, when you really dig deep inside of yourself and look for the root of the problem. There are payoffs to such work, huge personal growth can come out of it. I think your husband is very fortunate to have you by his side. You are a strong woman and very gounded, your strength, forgiveness and compassion are like the rock, which enables him to work on his issue in a stable enrivonment. I am very proud of you and am in much admiration!" To those of you who support me, I thank you from bottom of my heart. Your support means a lot to me. To those who worry about me, thank you. I will be fine, with him or without him. I am not running away from him for fearing him running away from me. That is not a good reason. I have to try. To those who does not agree with me, I repect your opinion. To those who are ignorant and refuse to get educated, what I can say, you will be ignorant the rest of your life. One would hope these people keep their mouth shut, so they do not embarrase themself. One the other hand, if they like to show their ignorance, what you can do. I wrote this series to say good-bye to the past, I am ready to start a new chapter in my life. Thanks for reading, and good-bye, good luck! Laogudong copy right, do not copy without permission. |  |
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