【关于子女教育】zt伊敏

歧视事件的全过程，供白区父母参考


（一）


周一去field trip 时感觉孩子受到不公正待遇。在前台投诉被孩子同学听见部分争吵。回家后给负责人写了封信，抄送学校老师，校长及教育局分管小学的领导。信中先描述孩子起了大早的兴奋和盼望，在展厅里的活动。再转到后面的故事，摘抄部分：

After finishing the project that the staff had required, the 18 kids sat on the long bench. They became very excited when the staff put the milk snake around her neck. Kids were eager to ask questions. My daughter was one of them. The staff answered all the kids' questions, even the one sat just beside my daughter, but never looked at my daughter. . My daughter kept raising her hand even though the arm was very tired. She insisted on raising her hand, hoping the staff would allow her to ask the question. One minute, two minutes, three, four...ten....I couldn't bear to look at the sad scene so I approached to the teacher and told her my daughter had been raising her hand for a long time, could she help to let the staff notice. After a while, the staff stood just in front of the teacher. The teacher said there was a student raising her hand...However, before the teacher could finish her words, the staff signaled another student 3 feet away from my daughter to ask a question. The staff paid no attention to the teacher, obviously. It went on and on, everybody noticed my daughter wanted to ask a question except this staff.

When the activity was over, I went to my daughter, what is your question? she said no, I don't have a question. I said "You raised your hand so long and now you tell me you don't have a question?"she said "no！I don't have a question!!!" But her eyes were full of tears.
I waited to be the last one in the room and asked the staff why she did not allow my daughter to ask a question. She pretended to be so surprised and said "oh, I am sorry, I did not see her." There was no sorry in her eyes, only willingly admitted sorry from her mouth.
She did not see, really? When the teacher saw, when other parents saw ( one parent comforted me later saying what I did was understandable and took it easy), the staff was not able to see? Is she blind or is my daughter too dark for the staff to detect?
I apologize being emotional at the front desk. But please tell me which mother, black, white or Asian, can tolerate her own child belittled under so many eyes? When her daughter felt hurt with tears, which mother can say it is Okay, the staff just does not want to answer your question? Under what judgement can the staff ignore a child's question?
I went to the reserve with the teacher's reminder to volunteer mothers deep in heart:
Thanks for agreeing to assist with this field trip. Our schedule is divided into four activities and lunch. You may have to resume the role of the teacher/responsible adult during our activities. I greatly appreciate your time today to enjoy this great resource.
1. While inside the building, your role will be to ensure the students are listening to the presentation, politely raising their hands, and staying on task with the activities. We are representing XX School, so helping make sure students are respectful and well-behaved as learners would be greatly appreciated.
During the session with the staff, I will ask you do make sure the students are being respectful of the staff for listening, following directions, and staying on task. Do NOT be afraid to step in and make sure the students are doing what they need to be doing. .
My daughter is polite, respectful and well-behaved, what did she get in return?......

I strongly feel this staff does not qualify to work with kids. She represents XX center but in a shameful way.

信发出去后，校长立刻给我打了电话，说她会尽快调查这件事，向她的上司汇报，两天之内一定给我回信。

又过了一会，负责人，就是和我在前台争吵的人，回了封信，抄送所有人并加了另一位同校教师，估计和他们经常有联系。

I have spoken with the staff about this incident and we all feel very badly that you and your daughter did not enjoy your time at XXX. We work very hard to educate children about the natural world and to help them see themselves as participants in nature. We have for many years had the pleasure of having XX school visit.
The implication that we would not call on your daughter because of her skin color is incorrect. That attitude would have no place in our program. It would be antithetical to what we trying to accomplish. Many children raise their hands and because of time limitations we cannot call on everyone.
I would be happy to meet with you to talk further about this incident if you feel that would be helpful.


（二）

老公回家后，我们问孩子情况，她不肯说，坚持说都忘了。我们解释这是帮助她，争执不是丢脸的事。她担心如果同学知道了，就都不理她了。我说如果同学知道她被unfairly treated, 他们应该支持她，而不是疏远。她说她的问题在最后被回答了。我很惊讶，因为我没有看见。老公说我做得太仓促，这下他们会有完全的理由说没有歧视，因为回答她问题了。

这时老师给我单独来了封信：

I am so sorry that you feel this way. I know XX was being very respectful and a wonderful representation of a XX student today. I feel badly that she did not have a positive experience.
I wanted to let you know that as the snake was brought out, XX did get a chance to ask her question right before we transitioned to the new activity. You can double-check with her, but I believe her question was regarding the scientific name of the snake (commenting if it was "Orangish Reptilia" or something along those lines). The staff member said that she could find the actual scientific name on the plaque next to the snake's container/aquarium. This happened as students were getting a chance to pet the snake, so there was a lot happening all at once.
Once again, I deeply apologize for your concerns. XX is fortunate to have a parent who cares so deeply. I greatly appreciate that you took the time to come and help today, and I hope you come to volunteer again in the future.

在被动的情况下，老公写了一封信。如果说我的是炸弹，他的就是导弹了：

Dear Mr. XX,

First, thank you very much for your quick email response.

However, after checking with my wife and my daughter about the whole procedure for the incident, I feel that it is too hasty to draw the conclusion now that “ The implication that we would not call on your daughter because of her skin color is incorrect.”

Here is the information I have obtained from my wife and my daughter (Please correct me if any part of the information is not accurate.):

省去重复细节加补充孩子提供的情节，并更正孩子问题被回答。

他把情况类比到大学教室。

。。。 there are minority students and it is a common case that multiple students want to ask questions at the same time. However, I cannot imagine such scenario will happen in a classroom:

The only black student among 18 students raised his hand and wanted to ask a question, the instructor kept ignoring him, called other students, and answered their questions. Some of those students raised their hands after the black student raised his hand, and some students were called twice. The instructor never looked at the black student, and the black student kept raising his hand and hoped that the instructor will allow him to ask the question. Such situation lasted a long time and everybody noticed that the black student wanted to ask a question except the instructor.

When no any other student had a question to ask and some students started to leave the classroom, the staff called the black student finally and answered his question.

If such incident does happen, I am quite sure how the black student will think about the instructor: “he did not call me because of…”

For sure both my wife and me are willing to meet you to talk further about this incident. In order to help us understand the incident better and get more third-party opinions, I suggest to add more people into the meeting. Everyone in the mail list should be invited to attend the meeting. If necessary, we can also invite humanity professors at XX university to attend the meeting and get professional advice from them. As a scientist and researcher, I believe that open discussion is the best way to help us approach the truth and draw correct conclusions.

Thank you for your time to read my email and I am looking forward to hearing from you about our meeting soon.

（三）

周二，负责人单独给我老公回了封信，简短地说同意见面。

老公说看来他们软了，想收缩了。说不如我们也退一步，问我怎么想。我说好，如果只有我们去见他，我要摄像，留会议记录。老公说估计你摄像他们就不谈了。我们商定，先看看，如果感觉不好就要求录像。

见面时间定在周四上午。

下午接孩子回来，她说有四个半同学问，what happened to your mom?

我说他们怎么知道的？They heard you at the frond desk.

你怎么跟他们说的？I denied everything.

为什么还有半个？Well, he tried to ask,but I hushed him.

我一直试图和她探讨这件事，感觉她完全封闭自己。

晚上练琴时，她突然跑过来说，Mom，I have a strong feeling, XX center will never allow XX school 4th graders to visit again.

那一刻，我非常难过。这孩子把一切都揽到自己身上，觉得都是自己的错。想起在离婚过程中，孩子往往觉得父母离婚是因为自己不够乖。这件事对孩子的伤害一定很大，我担心在以后类似情景中，她还敢不敢举手，虽然她告诉我她还是会的。

想了一个晚上，决定和心理医生约时间。

周三，放学，问孩子还有人问没有，没有了。看来事件开始淡化。

晚上，校长来电话，说知道我们第二天的见面。我告诉她，我们准备低调对待这件事，我们是peaceful people.事件闹大对谁都没好处。校长说周二，她和 孩子单独谈话。她问，你的问题回答了吗，孩子说是。再问，听说你举了很久的手？孩子说，I have nothing to say.I have a spelling test. I have to go. 然后就跑了。

孩子完全没有告诉我校长找她谈话了。又开始悲愤。觉得学校有责任给孩子心理辅导。老公说，千万别和学校闹。现在他们知道家长有牙，会小心对待我们，一旦开咬，虽然不说什么，将来一定有无数机会给孩子穿小鞋，难受的是孩子。好，我忍了。自己出钱找心理医生让孩子能够顺利度过难关。


（后续）

昨晚让老公给负责人发了感谢信，具体内容不详。

我给校长和老师发信感谢他们的帮助，让此事件由开始的sadness 变成最后的happy ending. 并告知今天让孩子把syrup 带到教室，让大家分享。

有一些教训，比如不该在前台过于激动，应该不声张，回来写信抗议，这样对孩子的伤害会小很多。虽然此事不是因我而起，但是毕竟因我的强烈反应让孩子在全班面前感到妈妈不cool.

对于是否要求道歉和惩罚，那都是虚的，他们知道错了，会有改进。你对他们让一步,他们会配合我的要求。

对我而言最重要的是，孩子在全班同学面前丢的面子，我让他们在全班面前给我孩子捡回来了。

孩子在学校一直是听老师话的好学生，性格太温和，不知道或不敢闹事。

等事情平静一些，我会跟她谈谈再有类似情况如何对应，比如不必一直举手，可以摇晃引起注意等等。

补充昨天会上我说的几句话，当他们强调中心对孩子们学习科学知识的重要性时我说yes, kids are her to learn nature, the truth of nature, not the truth of some unpleasant HUMAN nature.他们点头无言。

还有，I understand the world is not perfect,but we adults have our complete view of the world, but kids are in the developing stage,we need extra care.他们继续点头。

我出头是因为我不希望孩子受到不公平待遇忍忍就算了，这对她的人格发展非常不好。但是我不闹大也是为了她在学校的处境。让学校知道家长是合作的，不是挑事的，但是我们有能量。如果以后有什么事发生，会多想一想我们的反应。

今天早上，孩子心情很好，我们知道她在学校会开心。

（伊敏是我的好朋友，他们一家人包括可爱的女儿我都见过，今天在子女坛看到了这么大，也可以说是可大可小的事情发生在他们的家庭，我也很担心，还好最后看到的是happy ending，也就放心。。但是整个事情是很值得父母同仁思考的，如何保护好自己的孩子，面对明显的歧视，该怎么做,其实也是很茫然的，种族歧视是一直存在，我们亚裔一直就是汪洋中飘荡的小船，weak。。这就是why我明知道小林球打得还不是那么的好，但是同为亚裔华人我就是要狠夸他，死挺他，不要林疯狂，要的是林长久，长久的给我们华裔长脸争气。。如果可以不上升到荣神益人的高度，单凭一个母亲的平常心，希望林书豪等优秀小孩交出的一份份漂亮考卷，能震撼这个歧视无处不在的世界，给亚裔的小孩，每个小孩，一个同台竞争，平等的机会。。。）