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网上交友：一个美国哥哥给在美国网上寻爱的国美眉们的建议
来源: 1800900 于 09-12-13 10:20:15 [档案] [博客] [旧帖] [转至博客] [给我悄悄话]
A Chinese woman looking for a long-term relationship and/or marriage is dating an American man. Given her objective, it is important for her to know how serious the man is – what the potential is for a long-term relationship with him. So how does the Chinese woman determine if the American man she is dating is serious about a long-term relationship? Here’s the bad news: even American women have tremendous difficulty making that determination about American men. When you are coming at the problem from a fundamentally different cultural context, the task is even harder.
The good news is that there is a tool available that is culture-independent. Generally speaking, the man will be honest about his intentions if you give him the opportunity. So how do you do that? The most important thing is to be honest about your intentions: if you are looking for a long-term relationship, say so. “Oh, no, you’ll scare men off if you say that right away,” I know many of you are saying, because that is what you have heard. But ask yourself this: if a man is so opposed to a long-term relationship that he doesn’t want to date someone who is – what precisely have you lost by not dating him? As opposed to what you definitely do lose by dating him: time you can never recover.
Look at it this way: The first thing a salesman wants to do is to qualify his customer – that is, to determine if the person he is talking to is actually a potential buyer for what he is selling. If the person isn’t qualified, then the salesman is wasting time he could be using to close a sale with another customer. In the same way, if a woman is looking for a long-term relationship, she shouldn’t be wasting time with a man who isn’t a potential customer for one.
In the age of internet dating, being clear about your goals and expectations couldn’t be easier: you just say what they are. “I’m interested in dating men who expect to have a long-term relationship in their life with the right woman,” for example. Pretty clear. The man who swerves away from you because you say that isn’t qualified and you shouldn’t be wasting time on him. (Saying the same thing verbally to men you meet in person is more challenging – so figure out what you want to say, and practice it in front of a mirror, so it is as easy for you to say as “I’d like a glass of wine, please; I don’t drink beer.”)
Once you have put a man in the position to be honest about his intentions, it is important to accept what he says. If he says “I just want to have fun, I’m not looking for a long-term relationship,” believe him. Why would he say that if he really does want a long-term relationship? Ladies, if he says “I just want some entertainment and casual sex on my own terms, with no commitment to you,” believe him – and that’s what “I just want to have fun” means, in case you haven’t figured it out.
American culture is fundamentally different from Chinese, and American men do expect to have a period of fun, with no commitments, to demonstrate that the couple is compatible, before they begin thinking about a long-term relationship or marriage. But if the man you are dating has excluded a long-term relationship or marriage as possible destinations for your relationship, there is no reason to think that you will ever arrive at either with him. So why board a train that can’t get you where you want to go?
89MM的BF
来源: 1800900 于 09-12-13 10:20:15 [档案] [博客] [旧帖] [转至博客] [给我悄悄话]
A Chinese woman looking for a long-term relationship and/or marriage is dating an American man. Given her objective, it is important for her to know how serious the man is – what the potential is for a long-term relationship with him. So how does the Chinese woman determine if the American man she is dating is serious about a long-term relationship? Here’s the bad news: even American women have tremendous difficulty making that determination about American men. When you are coming at the problem from a fundamentally different cultural context, the task is even harder.
The good news is that there is a tool available that is culture-independent. Generally speaking, the man will be honest about his intentions if you give him the opportunity. So how do you do that? The most important thing is to be honest about your intentions: if you are looking for a long-term relationship, say so. “Oh, no, you’ll scare men off if you say that right away,” I know many of you are saying, because that is what you have heard. But ask yourself this: if a man is so opposed to a long-term relationship that he doesn’t want to date someone who is – what precisely have you lost by not dating him? As opposed to what you definitely do lose by dating him: time you can never recover.
Look at it this way: The first thing a salesman wants to do is to qualify his customer – that is, to determine if the person he is talking to is actually a potential buyer for what he is selling. If the person isn’t qualified, then the salesman is wasting time he could be using to close a sale with another customer. In the same way, if a woman is looking for a long-term relationship, she shouldn’t be wasting time with a man who isn’t a potential customer for one.
In the age of internet dating, being clear about your goals and expectations couldn’t be easier: you just say what they are. “I’m interested in dating men who expect to have a long-term relationship in their life with the right woman,” for example. Pretty clear. The man who swerves away from you because you say that isn’t qualified and you shouldn’t be wasting time on him. (Saying the same thing verbally to men you meet in person is more challenging – so figure out what you want to say, and practice it in front of a mirror, so it is as easy for you to say as “I’d like a glass of wine, please; I don’t drink beer.”)
Once you have put a man in the position to be honest about his intentions, it is important to accept what he says. If he says “I just want to have fun, I’m not looking for a long-term relationship,” believe him. Why would he say that if he really does want a long-term relationship? Ladies, if he says “I just want some entertainment and casual sex on my own terms, with no commitment to you,” believe him – and that’s what “I just want to have fun” means, in case you haven’t figured it out.
American culture is fundamentally different from Chinese, and American men do expect to have a period of fun, with no commitments, to demonstrate that the couple is compatible, before they begin thinking about a long-term relationship or marriage. But if the man you are dating has excluded a long-term relationship or marriage as possible destinations for your relationship, there is no reason to think that you will ever arrive at either with him. So why board a train that can’t get you where you want to go?
89MM的BF
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