Exercise 4

在美国的困惑：回国还是不回？(ZT)


2005年6月12日13:46 寄托天下


　　在美国呆的时间长了，你会发现，几乎你所遇见的每一个中国人，都是一个祥林.嫂。
他们喋喋不休地反反复复地披星戴月地不断追问你追问自己：以后想不想回国？以后想不想回国？以后想不想回国？……

　　回还是不回，这真是一道算也算不清的多元方程题。

　　曾经，出国留学读学位，毕业留美找工作，娶妻生子买house，是一个水到渠成毋庸置疑的选择。但突然有一天，“市场经济的春风吹遍了祖国的大地”，一直在美国的实验室、公司小隔间里默默耕耘着的中国人猛地抬头，发现太平洋彼岸，祖国的大地上已千树万树梨花开了。

　　紧接着，“坏消息”接踵而来。留学生开始听说以前住他隔壁的张三已经是国内某某大公司的经理了；还有那个人不怎么地的李四，听说他小蜜已经换了半打了；

　　然后，在一次回国的旅途中，他发现自己在美国吃的、穿的、玩的、乐的，只能望国内朋友们的项背了；还发现自己在为一个小数据的打印错误而向自己的部门经理频频道歉点头哈腰的同时，他的老同学，那个以前远远不如他的王二，此刻正坐在KTV包间里打着手机，说“那个房地产的项目贷款，我们还可以再协商协商……”

　　他也免不了察觉，自己的全部精神生活——如果他年少时候的“愤.青”气息还没有被美国的阳光彻底晒化的话——就是窝在某个中文论坛，发两句明天就要被版主当作垃圾清理掉的牢骚而已，而与此同时，他的某某朋友已经成了国内媒体上的“专家学者”，在那些激动人心的关于“转型”的辩论中频频发言……

　　不错，他的确，或最终会，住上美丽的房子。在经过那么多年辛辛苦苦地读书、胆战心惊地找工作之后，“美国梦”实现了。买了大房子，门外有草坪、草坪外有栅栏、栅栏里有花丛。可是，说到底，有一天，他在院子里浇花的时候，突然沮丧地意识到，这样的生活，不过是那曾经被他耻笑的农民理想“面朝黄土背朝天，老婆孩子热炕头”的美国版本而已。

　　那么，他到底还要些什么呢？生活里到底还有些什么比“面朝黄土背朝天，老婆孩子热炕头”更伟大更性.感更美丽呢？更大的房子？他现在的房子已经大得可以闹鬼了。 更正宗的夫妻.肺.片？说实话，出国这么多年，他已经对辣的不那么感冒了。更多的工资？那是当然，不过他下次涨工资的日子其实也不远了……

　　说到底，他内心的隐隐作疼，与这一切“物质生活”都没有什么关系，他所不能忍受的，是“历史的终结”，是那种生活的“尽头感”，是曾经奔涌向前的时间突然慢下来、停下来、无处可去，在他家那美丽的院子里，渐渐化为一潭寂静的死水。窗外的草坪，那么绿，绿得那么持之以恒，那么兢兢业业，那么克尽职守，那么几十年如一日，简直就像是……死亡。

　　而国内的生活呢？虽然据说有很多腐.败，有很多贫富差距，小孩子有做不完的作业，农民有跑不完的上访，工人在不停下岗，甚至据说还曾经有人在路上走着走着就给逮进去打死了，可是，对于有志青年，中国这个大漩涡，是一个多么大的“可能性”的矿藏：愤.青有那么多东西可战斗，资青有那么多钞票可以赚，文青有那么多感情可以抒发——历史还远远没有抵达它的尽头，未来还坐在红盖头里面激发他的想象力，他还可以那么全力以赴地向它奔跑，并且从这全力以赴中感受到“意义”凛冽的吹拂。

　　如果是这样，干嘛不回国算了？难言之痛，一回了之。

　　这时候，他又开始嗫嚅。他开始怀疑自己对国内的种种向往，也许只是“距离产生的美感”。他开始担心如果凑近了观察，会看到祖国脸上的麻子和粉刺。“毕竟，在中国创业，是要靠关系的，我又没有什么关系，回去也白回去。”他说。“美国再怎么不好，基本上还是一个凭本事和能力吃饭的地方，至少还有公平可言，不用平白无故受很多气。”他又说。

　　接着，他想到国内走到哪里人们都是一拥而上没人排队随地吐痰环境污染严重，他感到头疼。又想到国内那些衣衫褴褛的民工一天工作12个小时到年底竟然可能拿不到工资，他感到齿冷。还想到那些个被假药假酒假奶粉毒.害的人们，因此又不可避免地感到胃疼。他越想越多，越想越疼，越想越害怕，最后不可避免地抵达了“文.明”、“民.主”、“法.治”等光芒四射的高度。

　　于是他陷入了僵局。他一会儿想到国内张三李四王二的刺激生活，一会儿又想到了国外王二李四张三的安稳命运。国内的生活，他看不到上限，因而充满希望，但也看不到下限，因而特别危险；国外的生活，他看得到下限，因而感到安全，但也看得到上限，所以特别乏味。国内的生活像是买股票，可能升得快，也可能跌得快；而国外的生活像是定期存款，挣不到哪里去，却也亏不到哪里去。啊，海外的游子，一个个高学历、高收入、高素质的三高“白骨精”，就这样被逼成了成天喋喋不休自言自语的“祥林嫂”。

　　有一次回国，我和几个朋友吃饭，其中一个说“你回国吧，中国多复杂啊……”复杂，嗯，就是这个词，恰切，精确。对于一个有胃口的灵魂来说，“复杂”是多么基本的一种需要，而康州阳光下的郊区，美得那么纯粹，那么安静，对于习惯惹是生非的人来说，说到底是一种灾荒。

　　对“复.杂”的向往，让我暗暗希望，自己能过一辈子东跑西窜、颠沛流离的生活。这个愿望，使我觉得，自己是多么贪婪的一个人。贪图安稳，又贪恋刺激，有了Mr. China，还要Mr. USA。不，回不回国，不仅仅是一个“创业”的问题，甚至不仅仅是一个“文化”的问题，如果说这种贪婪是一种“犯.贱”的话，我坚持要把它推卸到“娜拉的悲剧”这个哲学命题上去：

　　在历史的道路上，人们披荆斩棘、奋勇前进，可是到达了历史的终点之后，啊，站在美利坚五月的美丽风景里，我惊恐而又伤感地想，人们对那坎坷不平然而激荡人心的道路，又犯起了“思乡病”。

[GuoLuke2]

Dilemma in the United States: Go back or not?
Once you've been in the United States for a long period of time, you'll find that almost every Chinese you met was a Sister-in-law Xianling. They repeatedly ask themselves day and night without stopping the same question: Have you thought about going back to China in the near future? Have you? Have you?...
Go back or not? This is a multidimensional math problem that sometimes seems entirely beyond us.

Not many years ago, all these are natural decisions: go abroad to obtain a degree, stay in the US to get a job after graduation, get married and buy a house. However, someday, all of a sudden, "The spring wind of market economy blows all over the mainland China". Those Chinese who were working in laboratories or company's small cubes without being noticed in the US, looked up someday and found on the other side of the pacific ocean, pear flowers are blooming all over the mainland already.
And "bad news" followed. People started to be informed that his former next-door neighbor had already been a senior manager of a big company in China; that low-level Dick had already changed his young female secretaries for half-a-dozen times.
And in a travel back to the motherland followed, he found the foods he was eating, the clothing he was wearing, the games he was playing, and the entertainment he was enjoying in the US all became nothing compared to what his friends were having in China. He also found, while he was apologizing to his department manager because of a small typo of some insignificant data, his old classmate, that Wang Er who was not as good as him and not even close to him in every respects, was sitting in some private luxury KTV room making cell-phone calls--"Regarding to the loan of that real estate project, there is still some space left for our discussing..."
He unavoidably found that all his spiritual live--if his rebelling character that could be traced to his early childhood had not been dried out by the US sunshine--was to perch in some Chinese BBS, grumbling some comments that certainly would be cleaned by the admin as garbage tomorrow. In the mean time, his friend John Doe had become famous as an "expert" according to the media in China and were giving speeches frequently here and there in those exciting discussions about the "reforms of the country-owned enterprises".

Sure, he does live in or will be able to live in a beautiful house. After so many years of diligent study at school and frightful journey of job-hunting, his "American Dream" has been realized. He bought a big house that has front yards covered with grass and a back yard planted with flowers and secured by fences. However, all in all, one day, when he was watering his flowers in his back yard, he suddenly felt that such a life was just the American version of a Chinese peasant's dream--"Facing the brown dirt and pointing his back to the sky, wife and children all resting on the heated bed" and that was what he laughed at.
Then, what does he want really? What else in life is greater, sexier, and prettier then the Chinese peasant's dream? A bigger house? His current house is bigger enough to be haunted by ghosts already. A more genuine dish of Couple Lung Slices? To be honest, after so many year abroad, he was not that interested in hot dishes anymore. More salary? That's for sure and the day of his next salary raise was not far away.
All in all, his heart hurts deeply inside, which has nothing to do with all these mentioned aspects of the "material life". What he cannot withstand is the "historical ending", is the sense of the end of such a life, is the time that was flying just slowed down, stopped, has nowhere to go, and just transformed into a tranquilized pool of water in his beautiful yard. Outside of the window, the grass is still green, so green as it ever was, so green as it ever could be, so green as if it has not changed in the past two decades, and almost as like--death.

How about the life back in China? Even though there is a lot of corruption, there is huge difference between the poor and the rich, there is too much homework for your children to do, there are numerous complaints for peasants to file, there are more and more unemployed workers, and it is heard that somebody working on the road was taken into custody and beaten to death, for ambitious youth like us, China is a big swirl and a mine with unlimited potential. Unsatisfied youths have so many resources to fight on, capitalized youths have so much wealth to be able to earn, and cultural youths have so many emotions to express—history is still far, far away from its end point and the future is still sitting covered by the red scarf to stretch his imagination. He can still run forward in his full speed, benefit from it, and in the mean time realize some sophisticated meaning.

If things are like this, why don't you go back? All these unsayable hurts can be cured with one single act -- go back.
At this time, he started to hesitate again. He started doubting his desire to go back. The beauty might be contributed by the distance. He started worrying that if he checks out his homeland really close, he may see the pocks and acnes on her face. "After all, to do business in China, relationships are indispensable. Because I don't have any relationships in China, going back won't do me any good." he said. "The U.S. is bad but at least it is a place that you can make a living with your capability and caliber. At least there is fairness in the U.S. and you don't have to suffer a lot without any valid reason." he continued.
The next, he thought of the scenes of people surrounding up suddenly and nobody will care to line up, the scenes of people spitting everywhere, and the contaminated environment. His head started to hurt. Thinking of the fact that those poor peasant workers work 12 hours a day and cannot get the salary they were promised to get, he could not repress a shiver. Thinking of those ordinary people suffered from fake medicine, fake spirit, and even fake milk powders, his stomach inevitably aches. The more he thinks, the more it aches. The more he thinks, the more he is frightened. At last, he inevitably reaches the sparkling high level of "civilization", "democracy", and "law".

Upon that he stuck there. One minute he thought of the spicy lives of John and Jane in China, and the next minute he thought of the stable lives of Jack and Jill in the U.S. As for the lives in China, he cannot see the upper limit and thus it is exciting. However, he cannot see the lower limit also, and this is where the danger is. As for the lives in the U.S., he can see the lower limit and thus feel safe. In the meantime, he can also see the upper limit and it makes him bored. The lives in China are like buying stocks whose prices can surge and can also slump while the lives in the U.S. are like depositing money in a savings account where your money cannot appreciate very much and cannot depreciate either. Ah, overseas students and scholars who has high education, high earnings, and high quality, are driven crazy to become a sister-in-law Xingling who talks to herself without stopping.
In the trip back to China, I was having dinner with several friends. One of them said: "Come back! China is so sophisticated…" Yes, "sophisticated", this is the word I was looking for. It is so accurate and precise. For a soul that has desires, "sophisticated" is such a basic need. In contrast, the pure and tranquilized sunshine of suburban Connecticut is such a famine for those who get used to causing troubles.

The desire toward "sophisticated" makes me wish silently to have a life of living here and there and making home everywhere. Such a wish makes me feel that I'm such a greedy person. Greed for security and greed for excitement in the meantime! I have Mr. China and want to have Mr. USA too. No, going back or not going back is not just a question of "starting a new business". It is not just a "cultural" question also. If such a greed is kind of "begging for disgrace", I insist to shift it to the philosophy problem of "Tragedy of Nora".
On the road of history, human beings hack their way through difficulties without looking back. However, when they reach the finish line as what I'm doing now, standing in the beautiful scene of May in the U.S., I am scared to find that I start to "homesick" for those uneven and exciting roads I just went though.