平凸杂谈
才高五斗不觉耻，水灌一坛只作痴。凸情不枉君付意，子志难琢我化石。
正文
老五爵爷小传（The bachelor who is always cool）
爵爷赋
捐得春心不了情
好了疮疤忘了疼
读书原来不作用
老五里面算英雄
逆痕瓢量（你很漂亮）
逆痕克癌（你很可爱）
……
握向庆泥妻换（我想请你吃饭）
……
逆跟握解粪拔（你跟我结婚吧）
爵爷是我那姐们的美国监护人。姐们早就告诉（音song轻声）过我，爵爷就是倍儿逗一主儿。可我他妈耳根子软，愣是不觉得爵爷是拿我开涮呢。那阵儿我老琢磨着哪天接天上能掉下一大馅饼来，准能砸我脑瓜子上。这（音zen三声）么说吧，我觉（音jiao三声）着我自个好像是在一电影儿里头像的。再有就是，爵爷这人也挺能忽悠的。
姐们后来快毕业了。她充好人把大帅哥爵爷顺给我当了监护人。靠，我那姐们可跟我不一样，她是有主儿的，可我是年轻又甩着单儿。
后来我回过味儿来了，敢情爵爷那会儿就会喀哧那几句中文。就那几句儿，还是标（音biao四声）着我那姐们的唾沫星子学（音xiao二声）了三年才学（音xiao二声）出来的。
跟爵爷我（音Mm三声）们立马儿成了铁杆儿。爵爷这监护人可真他妈嘚（音dei三声），月儿月儿都领我下馆子去撮一回两回的，还倍儿有耐心听我东西南北的挑眼子。
爵爷的生活跟我根本不搭嘎。要说有串场儿的地儿，也就是偶尔一块儿下个馆子、瞧个电影儿，不（音bu轻声）介就打个迷你高尔夫。他跟我的嗑倒是越唠越深，一出溜儿就嘚（音de一声）啵（音be轻声）到他自个的男女关系上来了。
爵爷那阵子算得上一情场儿上的大拿。几年前跟一老相好的掰了。据说原因就他妈是爵爷自个不肯要孩子，一个都不肯要。后来，跟第二个又好了很长时间，他从人那儿又颠儿了，还是一样的事儿。再后来这位，爵爷面软了，同意要个孩子，可是坏菜的是人家相好的想结婚的时候，爵爷自个不开面，又放了一回鹰给人。这回，轮上人跟他撒丫子了。
爵爷相好的里头，有一个是芝城这块儿的新闻女主播。爵爷冷不丁儿的跟我抖搂过跟那女主播约过几次会之类的事儿。
后来认识爵爷有阵子了吧，爵爷让东家给支到洛城去打理一个刚收进来的分号。不过爵爷这人够义气，还时不常回来看我。他那时候已经又开始跟洛城一个中国女孩闷得儿密了。爵爷自个跟我说，跟那中国女孩一家子一块儿下馆子的时候，“抹不丢的四周围一扫看，就我一白人小脸儿”。
爵爷俩年以后又折（音zhe 一声）回了芝城。所以跟洛城那中国美女也拜拜了您那。大概齐就在这股节，爵爷开始有点抓瞎了，打卦着自个到底还能不能找到一相好的。
爵爷老嘟囔，“知道吗，从前老有老娘（音nia二声）们给我打电话。现如今没什么人再打电话给我了。”
我就跟着瞎忽捋，“那你且得一阵子才能在芝城再起场子泡妞了。我要看到有好的就告诉（音song轻声）你。”
这节骨眼儿上，爵爷的差事也出了不少篓子。还有就是店里的另一个伙计老给爵爷使楔子。后来爵爷被挤兑（音de轻声）得从10多年的东家扫地出（音chu二声）门。走的时候，爵爷订了一本兔子杂志，每月寄给那个使楔子的伙计来寒碜丫的。
爵爷那阵子喜欢给外国学生当监护人的原因，大概齐是因为他自个在学习上从来就是一棒锤。说真格的，他是恨上学恨得牙痒痒的。所以，爵爷能看见一堆从各个国家来的人进进出出的玩儿命学习，就觉着特热闹特解闷。我估摸着还有一档子原因，就是爵爷一直觉（音jiao三声）着在我们这些个学生面前扮超人角色挺拔份儿，肯定倍儿爽来着。
爵爷的差事上特拌蒜时候，一拍脑壳子，也要再给自个混一名校的文凭不可。这回，他五迷三道的捣鼓上了心理学。 爵爷入学的时候我早就从芝城撤了。
后来我又折（音zhe 一声）回芝城一年，趁他在校的时候去猫过他一眼。他那套原来特抹腻特新潮的公寓里，那阵儿就甭提乱七八糟的多抽抽了。
我真他妈为爵爷不值啊。他跟我扯了些从前没扯过的话。他说自个的情绪问题挺硌应，还他妈的越闹越没谱儿了。
我挺挂着爵爷的，时不常的跟他联系联系。
他那心理学的学位最后也就又成一摆设儿了。爵爷后来又回去干起跟原来类似的差事了。
最后一次我跟爵爷通电话的时候，他说自个现在的生活挺过瘾的，每年去中国两次，美得屁颠儿屁颠儿的！
我只能替爵爷烧高香了。怎么说，爵爷都是在我那些个巨冷又腻味芝城的冬天，对我特慈悲的人。下回我再来芝城，肯定请你撮一顿好吗，我的老伙计，爵爷？
+++++ 英文原文 +++++
The bachelor who is always cool 来源: 安贝儿
Jerry made me blush when I first met him. He sat under the very dramatic window treatment of my roommate, perfectly blonde, tall, and handsome and started talking in Chinese to me:
You are very pretty.
You are very lovely.
.....
Would you like to go for dinner with me?
.....
Will you marry me?
He is foster family of my Chinese house mate Quan. Although Quan has warned me ahead of time, Jerry is a very funny guy, I still couldn't bring myself back to the senses that he was just joking with me. I was ready for a fairy to show up and touch my head with her magic wand and say, Cinderella! Or, more precisely, I thought I was on a set of making movies. Cause, Jerry is very dramatic.
Quan was graduating; she was kind enough to 'transfer' her very handsome looking foster family Jerry to me. The difference is, Quan was married and I was single and much younger.
It turned out those few sentences he spoke to me were the only Chinese he knew at the time --- after about 3 years of learning them word by word from Quan.
We quickly became good friends. The role of a foster family, at least the one that Jerry plays is to bring the foster 'kid' to restaurant monthly and listen to any concerns the foster kid might bring up.
Jerry and I lived parallel lives. Our cross over points were those times we hang out for dinner, movie, or sometime, mini-golf. Our conversation quickly turned from the usual small talks to guess what, relationships.
Jerry was high in the dating game when I met him. He broke up with a first long time relationship a few years back. The only reason was he doesn't want to have kids, not even one. He broke up with his second long term relationship for more or less the same reasons. This time, he gave in on having one kid, but he wasn't ready to propose at the time when the woman thought they dated long enough.
On Jerry's dating list was the news anchor woman in Chicago at the time. He casually mentioned they went out a few times etc.
After I met Jerry for a period of time, his company sent him to LA to integrate the business of a newly acquired LA company. He still made the effort to meet me whenever he is back in town. He started dating this really amazing looking Asian (Chinese) girl in LA. According to him, he would go to these restaurants with her family in LA, when, "looking around, I would be the only white guy!".
Jerry came back to Chicago after about 2 years in LA. And there ended his relationship with the Chinese beauty. It is about this time, when he started to have doubts about finding the right woman.
He would say, "You know, women used to call me all the time. I don't get that many calls these days any more."
I would tell him:" it will take you sometime to have your social life here in Chicago picked up again. If I see anyone who might fit you, I will send her your way."
It is also about this time when Jerry started to have all sorts of problems at work. One of his coworker was clearly giving him a really hard time. Jerry eventually left the company he worked for more than 10 years, not forgetting to subscribe a magazine specializing in gay man and had it delivered monthly to that co-worker as his way of revenge.
One of the reasons I believe Jerry chose to become a foster family is he was a never really good students himself. As matter of fact, he hated school. So it was fascinating for him to see all these people from another country going through advanced education. Another reason is because that, guess what, Jerry's personal hero is super man.
At the low point of his career, Jerry decided to go back to school and get an advanced degree from a prestigious school himself, this time, majoring in psychology.
I already left Chicago when he got into the program. I was back in Chicago one year and visited while he was still in school. His contemporary loft in downtown Chicago used to be so neat and full of good vibe, it was depressing and messy.
I felt sorry for Jerry. We started to touch some issues that he never talked about before. He admitted he has an anger problem. And it is increasing getting out of control.
I was concerned about Jerry and tried to be in touch.
His psychology education turned out to be just another education he got.He went back to his old profession.
Last time I called him, he said he is very happy with his life right now. He goes to China about twice a year and according to him, having a great time.
I could only wish the best for him. After all, he was this great super man who brought all these sun shine to a young woman's life in those awfully cold and soulless Chicago winter months. Next time I am in town, Jerry, my dear friend, how about I treat you for dinner?
评论
gingergirl
2006-11-04 23:35:00
回复
悄悄话
Good review of Beijing dialects, with certain Tianjin things. If it was audio version, it would be fantastic.
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