I thought about my great personal sufferings in the distant
past and how, as energy travels in waves, they reach and
shape the present.
I thought about the middle and high school PE classes when
I was lagging behind everybody for a 50m, 100m or 200m
dash, a 400m loop, a double-loop, or, God forbid, a 1000m
More to the point, it was almost always a boys-only run. The
girls would get the easy way out (it seemed easy, anyway) and
they would get together and watch the race. The girls that I tried to impress. They looked as
if they were saying: "Dude, you who fall behind every other
boy. None of us would want you. In this game as well as in
life, the fittest survive. You are out of the gene pool."
The ones with the lowest self-esteem in math classes would
outrun me with such ease and glee, as if they were doing it
for revenge. Friends would pass with a smile and maybe
a few kind words of encouragement. There were pity but no
salvation: I always finished the last.
The body would be relieved in the end but the humiliation
stayed. For days the voice in my head would keep telling me
that I was the weakest fatass in the whole school and probably the whole world and I
would walk with my head hung in shame. And then, just as
the painful memory started to fade, there came another PE
class to refresh.
Nowadays, instead of feeling avenged myself, I looked back
in awe as I undertood that some of the things I did and am
doing could be explained. Why I believe in "柔弱胜刚强." Why I often side with the losers in games. Why I later embrace running. Etc. Etc.