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You Married the Wrong Person

(2015-03-02 07:30:07) 下一个


Book Description

Publication Date: January 11, 2015

If they're honest, anyone who's been married more than a month has to admit to having wondered: "Did I marry the wrong person?" Maybe he's not helping around the house enough. Or she's not into sex as much as you'd like. "They say love is blind," laughs Tim Lucas, "but marriage opens your eyes. According to the Bible, none of us are compatible!" With his trademark humor, honesty and insight, Tim reveals how our culture's quest for the "perfect partner" misses the point of marriage. Discover how admitting "You Married the Wrong Person!" can liberate your relationship & allow God to fill the gap between expectation & reality.


Dedicated to my wife Colleen.

I see Jesus more clearly because of you.



Chapter 1 Sex and Spaghetti

Chapter 2 Crazy Stupid Love

Chapter 3 Me-First Marriage

Chapter 4 Idols and Demons

Chapter 5 Happily Incompatible

Becoming a Christian



My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

- Rodney Dangerfield

As a pastor, I’ve officiated dozens of weddings. On the Big Day, I’ve noticed the bride can typically only focus on three things:

The Aisle, where the bride makes her grand entrance.

The Altar, where she stands before God surrounded by family and friends.

And Him, the man to whom she is about to devote her life.

The Aisle . . . the Altar . . . and Him. Aisle. Altar. Him. And somehow from that moment on, the bride assumes this is her life’s mission: I’ll Alter Him!

Let’s be honest, we all have something we’d like to change about our partner. Maybe she’s too talkative. Or he’s too touchy. When my wife Colleen and I first began dating, we looked at couples in restaurants and tried to guess whether or not they were married. Guys on a first date inevitably leaned across the table, tenderly held hands, and stared romantically into the girl’s eyes. “See the way he looks at her,” Colleen whispered enviously. Then she’d nod toward a middle-aged couple sitting in silence at their table, looking bored and distracted. The woman was busy on her phone, the man sat with arms crossed watching football highlights on the TV above the bar.

“I bet they’re married,” she said sadly. “Do you think that will ever happen to us?”

“Touchdown!” I screamed at the big screen on the wall. Colleen frowned.

I quickly pulled my eyes back to my beloved. “I’m sorry, what’d you say?”

Somewhere in the distance a rooster crowed.

I talk with a lot of twenty and thirty-somethings disillusioned by their chances of finding a partner who can fulfill their hopes for a dynamic, lifelong relationship. Many witnessed their own parents’ painful break-ups and are desperate not to repeat the same mistakes. Others are miles into their marriage journey and quietly wondering, “Did I marry the wrong person?”

Whether you’re single and searching for “the perfect match,” or married and wondering “Is this as good as it gets?” at some point we all realize there’s a gap between what we expect in a relationship and the reality we experience.

This book is about closing that gap. I’ve written it for four types of people:

1) Single Friends

Maybe you’re single and feel frustrated by your quest for the “perfect” partner. Good news: I believe compatibility is wildly overrated. I hope to challenge conventional wisdom about what makes for a good match and give you fresh eyes in your search for a spouse.

2) Engaged Couples

This is the book I wish I read before I was married. Most engaged couples invest all their time and energy planning for their Big Day, but don’t give much thought to the day after the wedding. I hope it will spark some dialogue with your partner—and possibly a mentor couple, pastor, or counselor—about what’s involved in planning a healthy marriage, not just a splashy wedding.

3) Married Folks

I talk to a lot of young couples who live in survival mode. Many have a couple of kids and they’re doing all they can to juggle jobs, day care, school or sports. Apart from the periodic “date night,” the romance has cooled, and the pressures of family life replace passion.

Once attraction fades, it doesn’t take long for couples to notice cracks in their foundation. But it’s not beyond repair. God’s Word offers fresh hope to couples that don’t see eye-to-eye on every issue.

4) Those Considering Divorce

Perhaps you’re on the brink of a break-up, and you’ve decided to give it one last chance. You’ve read dozens of books about conflict and communication with titles like 7 Steps to Rekindle Romance, but you must decide whether or not to throw in the towel.

I’ve been praying for you. As a follower of Jesus Christ, I believe if God can raise His Son from the dead, He also has the power to resurrect a dead marriage. I truly believe this. If you don’t have enough faith for your marriage at this point, borrow mine.

If you’re already divorced, I pray God will use this book to help heal your heart and fill you with renewed hope for a fresh start.

And if you’re not yet married, and waiting on God for a spouse, I hope what you discover in these pages will equip you to love someone else the way God loves you.

I realize there are thousands of books about dating, marriage, and modern relationships—many of them longer than this slim volume you hold in your hand. But we designed this book to be read in a single sitting . . . and powerful enough to change your life.

So let’s begin. And let’s get real.



Sex and Spaghetti

Those who marry will face many troubles in this life.

1 Corinthians 7:28

I frequently sit down with couples to plan wedding ceremonies. Oftentimes, the bride and groom include a familiar Bible passage that reads, “Love is patient, love is kind . . . love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). It’s an inspiring piece of Scripture celebrating the triumph of eternal love.

But it’s only half the story.

Just once, I wish someone had the guts to flip a few pages back and quote 1 Corinthians 7:28: “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life.” You don’t see that little nugget on a Hallmark card too often.

The truth is: marriage is hard. All spouses experience conflict, disappointment, and doubts about their partners. In fact, anyone married longer than a month has probably wondered at some point, “Did I marry the wrong person?” Maybe he’s not helping around the house enough. Or she’s not into sex as much as you’d like.

That was our story.

My wife Colleen and I met as freshman in college. We both grew up on the East Coast and attended school in the Midwest where everyone seemed to have stepped out of an L.L. Bean catalog—all khakis and cardigans. But Colleen grew up in Brooklyn, and I’ll never forget the vision as she entered class: tan legs, neon shorts, and big blonde hair. I mean seriously big hair. Bon Jovi big. I’m from New Jersey, so it was love at first sight. I took one look at my Aquanet Princess and wistfully thought, “Hoooome!” We were engaged on July 19, 1997 and married exactly one year later.

Six months in, I had my first doubts.

Like a lot of men, I had pretty high expectations going into marriage, especially when it came to sex. Colleen and I didn’t have sex before our wedding. We believed God wanted us to honor boundaries, but we struggled. It was hard. So I came into marriage rip roarin’ ready to go! I assumed we’d be swingin’ from the chandeliers every night. Or at least every other night.

Screeeetch . . . reality check. At the time, Colleen was working long hours to establish a corporate career in New York City. She took the early commuter train and returned home around 7 p.m. I taught classes at a local high school and typically arrived home by 4 p.m. That gave me three precious hours all to myself. I biked with a buddy, read, worked out or met friends for coffee. It never occurred to me to make dinner; I expected her to do that. And after dinner, it was time for some good ol’ chandelier-shakin’!

Unfortunately, most nights Colleen stumbled off the train bone-tired, collapsed on our couch, and groaned, “Can we order Chinese and go to bed early?” It was hard to take during our first few months. I felt frustrated because she was “always tired,” but I didn’t say anything. A friend who watched Dr. Phil suggested I express my frustration. (That’s what healthy couples do, right?) So one fine Saturday morning, I sat Colleen down at the kitchen table to share my heart.

“Sweetheart,” I began, “I need to get something off my chest. I have a complaint I’ve been keeping secret.”

She put down her coffee cup and looked at me with concern.

“We don’t have enough sex,” I blurted out. “You’re always tired.”

She stared blankly and sipped her coffee before replying calmly, “Well, my complaint is that you’re a slob. And it’s not a secret. Everyone knows it.”

I cocked my head like a dog hearing a high-pitched whistle. Whaaaaaa?

She lit into me. “I come home and it looks like a frat house! There’s a trail of cereal on the floor, plates in the sink, newspapers flung all over.” Her face reddened. “Look at your underwear in the corner! It’s like living in a pig sty. Everything is trashed!”

I was dumbfounded. It took me six months to first suspect I married the wrong person. It took Colleen six days.

I walked out of the house muttering to myself, “This is the thanks I get for taking the high road? I share my heart and she attacks me in return!” My heart grew bitter. Biting my tongue, I vowed never to mention it again.

A few weeks later, it surfaced in an episode we now call “The Spaghetti Incident.” That morning, I dropped Colleen at the train station for her usual daily commute. As our beat-up car pulled to the curb, she opened the door, got out and poked her head back in. “Can you do me a favor tonight?”

“Sure,” I replied.

“Before I get home tonight, can you clean up the kitchen and clear off the dining room table?”

End of this sample Kindle book.

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