真爱stinks, 你还在找吗？

“真爱”stinks? 你还在找吗？

作者：Futureglory

说起新年的心愿，很多单身的人们都内心渴望能找到自己的那一个。但是去年曾经在群组里发了一个连接，给姐妹们消遣，结果，“ture plus love” 让大家都很头大，引来了一阵感慨。这里的真，不是浪漫主义里的真，是现实的意思。

下面是这个link:

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Know-Its-Real-Love-Advice-from-Martha-Beck

很多姐妹经历过一回后，都不愿看这类的文章。其实这篇文章是讲几个现实的问题。题目应该是两个成熟的人都同意的，尤其是在“爱”的死去活来的时候。我来概括一下。

1． 没有你我照样活，没问题。

想让你的爱的各种需要得到满足，唯一对这些需要负责的人只有一个：yourself.

The "I can't live without you" syndrome ends when we learn to care for ourselves as tenderly and attentively as a good mother. At that point, we're ready to form stable, lasting attachments that can last a lifetime. "I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love.

2． 我的爱是一定会改变的。

大多数女人都希望男人会给你一个commitment, 然而现实是，彼此的爱一定会改变的。每个人，每件事，都在时时的变化，我们变老，经历很多事，生病，失业，换生活的地方。。。等等。。两个不同的人能够随时适应彼此的变化。

A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is virtually indestructible. Infatuation relaxes into calm companionship, then flares again as we see new things to love about each other. In times of trouble and illness, obligation may feel stronger than attraction—until one day we realize that hanging in there through troubled times has bonded us more deeply than ever before. Like running water, changing love finds its way past obstacles. Freezing it in place makes it fragile, rigid, and all too likely to shatter.

悲惨的现实是，我们无法适应，无法容纳，无法原谅，却以为找一个新的来适应，结果却不是如此。

3． 你不是我所需要的一切。

不要迫使对方来满足你的hobby, 每个人都有不同的爱好，培养你自己的健康地爱好。不要说为什么他花了这些时间做了某某事，而不来为我做某某事。对待这个问题的健康解释是，是的，我们的关系（婚姻也好，恋爱也好，朋友也好）不可能是使我的生活非常快乐的唯一原因。

相互支持每个人的不同需求。

The hurt partners usually come in sounding something like this: "How come you have to spend three hours a week playing tennis (or gardening or painting)? Are you saying I'm not enough to keep you happy?" The healthiest response to such questions is "That's right, our relationship isn't enough to make me completely happy—and if I pretended it were, I'd stunt my soul and poison my love for you. Ever thought about what you'd like to do on your own?" Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does.

4． 我不会总是把你攥在手心里。

这一条很喜欢露露妹妹说的一句话，爱情就像是捧着一些沙子，攥得太紧了，沙子会从手中溜走；不管它，却又挥洒了一地。用心得 捧着吧。不要被一些幻想，担忧操纵着，“如果你离开我，我就杀了你”，“你是不是心里想着别的女人”。。。无数个恐惧的念头在你心里徘徊，注意了，controlling is not a healthy way.

摆脱这些问题的方法， heart to heart talk, tell the truth, truth nothing but the truth.

看过远志明的夫妻关系辅导的讲座，健康长久的关系需要心对心的交流。经常的交流，赤裸裸面对。

Getting out of this sticky situation is simple: Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Begin by taking responsibility for your own choices—including the choice to obey the spider man who may have you in his thrall. Then communicate your real feelings, needs, and desires to your partner, without trying to force the reaction you want. If your relationship can't thrive in the clear light of honesty, it is better to get out of it than to sink further into manipulation and control.

5． 你和我不是一个。

是的，在寻找恋人的过程中，我们都在寻找那个 right person, 不可否认，开始的好感都是一种奇妙的chemistry, 大脑产生的感觉让我们还开心，幸福。 很多的人都在宣称找soulmate, 这个词如此的流行，我自己也亲身经历了若干次，很多男士喜欢用这个词。交流了几次，就不是soulmate 了。 问题是， 我们自己的soul 都是很复杂的，我们自己还没搞清楚自己的soul, 那个mate 怎么找到？我不相信一个人能完全读懂另一个人的心思。每日的交流才能保持关系。

既然每个人如此不同，accept people who they are, agree to disagree, 成熟的爱才能往前走。

If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific love for two can be. Follow your heart in a direction your partner wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love an actual person rather than a human mirror.

和正在寻爱的朋友们共勉，祝你成功。

With Love， Glory