Skills for bridging the interpersonal gap

"Man's supreme achievement in the world is communication from personality to personality.'

In our society it is rare for persons to share what really matters- the tender, shy, reluctant feelings, the sensitive, fragile, intense disclosurues. It is equally rare for persons to listen intently enough to really understand what another is saying. 

Ineffective commnication causes loneliness, family problems, vocational incompetence and dissatisfaction, psychological stress, physical illness, and even death result when communication breaks down. In addition to the personal frustration and the heartache resulting from it, the interpersonal gap is now one of the major social problems of our troubled society.

Solitude can be a creative, joyous, full aloneness. But loneliness is a painful, dead, empty aloneness. Loneliness can occur even in the midst of a crowd. The common causes of loneliness are following:

• materialism
• the mobility of people
• uprootedness of families
• the bureaucratic structure of organizations
• inadequate methods of interpersonal communication

Marriage, the msot complicated of human relationships, cannot flourish without effective communication. Couples ofen live parallel lives in a marriage without intimacy. "Two people who know they do not understand each other, breeding children whom they do not understand and who will never understand them."

Proximity without intimacy is inevitably destructive. When communication is blocked, love's energy turns to resentment and hostility. 

Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship. When open, clear, sensitive communication takes place, the realtionship is nurtured. When communication is guarded, hostile, or ineffective, the relationship falters. When the communication flow is largely obstructed, the realtionship quickly deteriorates and ultimately dies.

80% of people who fail at work do so for one reason: they do not relate well to other people.  Communication skills are keys to on-the-job success.

Most human interaction is for better or for worse. Each moment with another person can be an opportunity for discovery and growth or for the erosion of identity and the destruction of one's personhood. Our personality development and mental and physical health are linked to the caliber of our commnication. 

People need people. Many believe that mental illness is primarily a problem of inadequate communication. Deficient communication can affect a person's physical health.

Our methods and style of communication are primarily learned responses. Not many people have had models of effective communciation in their home environments. Many of us are victims of victims as far as communication is concerned. In addition to the admonitions adults gave to children, they were modeling certain ways of behaving:

• how to remain superficial
• how to build facades
• how to play interpersonal games
• how to hide from ourselves and others
• how to downplay risk in human relating
• how to manipulate others or endure being manipulated
• how to hurt and punish others

We can unlearn those methods of relating that do not work well for us. Patterns that were acquired in childhood can be replaced by more effective responses. At any period of life, the average person of soound mind and determination can learn improved ways of communicating.

Change is inevitable. The world is changing.  Change is avalanching down upon our heads at such a dizzing pace that we have great difficulty coping with it. Things do not stay the same. If they don't get better, they get worse. 

We need to protect ourselves. One of the key elements in learning communciation skills is to discover how to protect oneself adequately while reducing unnecessary defensiveness.  The following five basic commnicaiton tools are required for effective human relationships.

1. listening skills:  enable us to really understand what another person is saying.
2. assertion skills: enable us to maintain respect, satisfy our needs, and defend our rights without dominating, manipulating, abusing, or controlling others
3. conflict-resolution skills: enable us to deal with the emotional turbulence constructively, to foster closer relationships when the strife is over
4. collaborative problem-solving skills: enable us to resolve conflicting needs that satisfies all parties
5. skill selection: enable us to decide what communication sklls to use in any situation

It is futile to use a skill well but use it in the wrong situation.  Skill development requires a sharp focus- a concentration of energy. We learn best when we are not overwhelmed with too many topics and too much details.